3. Empathize with Today’s Young People
3. Empathize with Today’s Young People
Why 25 Is the New 15, and 15 Is the New 25
The number one adult who’s influenced me is Brent. There was a time in the fall when I was suicidal again and he was, like, visibly upset. He said some things like, “Don’t do that . . . we need you.” And he hugged me and teared up. I think he believes in me more than anyone else. He gets me. —Allen, age 21
“Pastor, if I raise my finger, will God know which one I’m going to raise even before I raise it?”
Thirteen-year-old Steve attended church every week with his parents. This particular Sunday, he had stayed after the worship service to ask his pastor this pressing question. The pastor replied, “Yes, God knows everything.”
Haunted by the plight of African children suffering from dire famine, Steve then pulled out a Life magazine cover depicting two children tormented by starvation. He asked the logical follow-up, “Well, does God know about this and what’s going to happen to those kids?” The pastor gave a similar response: “Steve, I know you don’t understand, but yes, God knows about that.”1
If you were Steve, would you be satisfied with the pastor’s answer to your question?
Steve wasn’t.
He walked out of his congregation that day and never again worshiped at a Christian church.
The good—even remarkable—news is that Steve was drawn like a magnet to the faith community, and his pastor specifically, for answers to the dilemmas that most troubled him.
The bad—even tragic—news is that his pastor’s shortsighted response repelled him from the faith community. Permanently.
Even more disheartening is that the pastor failed to grasp the question behind Steve’s question. Similar to the young people in your congregation, Steve wasn’t merely asking an existential question about the nature of suffering. Likely behind Steve’s rather esoteric inquiry about children in Africa were more personal questions about life and faith. Perhaps Steve wondered why God would allow the suffering he himself had experienced in his 13 years, which included bullying at school, financial struggles at home, and most painfully, being relinquished for adoption by his birth parents. As Steve was trying to make sense of the pain in our world, he wanted his pastor to understand and help him make sense of his own pain.
Maybe you have heard of Steve. His last name is Jobs. Steve Jobs, founder and CEO of Apple, Inc., was a churchgoing teenager who wrestled with big questions. He sought out his church to help him pin down answers, but his congregation failed to understand what he was really asking.
Imagine if Steve had been greeted by a different answer from his pastor. One that was an on-ramp to a deeper discussion about faith rather than a conversational dead end. One that acknowledged Steve’s curiosity about suffering in Africa, as well as Steve’s deeper questions about life goals, divine love, and his own place in the world.
Imagine if the pastor had replied to 13-year-old Steve, “That’s a great question. How about if you and I and your dad meet for breakfast this week and talk about it?” Or imagine if Steve’s parents had been attentive enough to initiate a discussion with Steve themselves. Or that any adult had hit the conversational ball over the net to Steve instead of letting it slowly dribble off the court.
Imagine if Steve Jobs had his questions taken seriously by his faith community and he had later poured his entrepreneurial brilliance not only into furthering high-tech interfaces but also into furthering the gospel and mobilizing others to respond to needs globally. Our world would be different today.
Unfortunately, no adult answered Steve’s questions convincingly. No adult peered under the hood of his words to understand the inner cries that sparked his deep dilemmas. As a result, Steve, like so many young people today, walked away from both faith and the faith community.
Young people like Steve who swim in the deep end of challenging cultural and developmental questions often view the church as merely splashing around in the shallow end. Or worse yet, they perceive us standing on the pool deck, wagging our finger and blowing a whistle at them in condemnation of who they are and what they do.
Instead of staying on the deck, churches and parishes that grow young dive into the deep waters of teenagers’ and young adults’ lives. Both in young people’s descriptions of their churches and in our observations during site visits, empathizing with today’s young people bubbled to the surface as a core commitment of growing young.
CORE COMMITMENT: EMPATHIZE WITH TODAY’S YOUNG PEOPLE
By empathy, we don’t mean patronizing young people. Nor do we mean a superficial or false sympathy. We certainly don’t mean judgmentalism, even if it’s cloaked in helpful suggestions (e.g., “Instead of playing video games all day, have you thought about looking online for a job?”).
When we talk about empathy, we mean feeling with young people. As defined by Stanford University’s “D” (Design) School, empathizing is “the work you do to understand people. . . . It is your effort to understand the way they do things and why, their physical and emotional needs, how they think about the world, and what is meaningful to them.”2 In other words, it’s sitting on the curb of a young person’s life, celebrating their dreams and grieving over their despair.
“Empathy is the essence of what it means to be a pastor. It’s the willingness to go to hard places with people. Even if people in my church disagree with me, I hope they know I care about them.” —Eugene Cho, senior pastor at Quest Church
Research Findings
Empathy Seeks to Understand Today’s Young People
The crux of this core commitment isn’t just empathizing with young people in general; growing young begins by understanding today’s young people. While you may already know many young people from your church or community (or you’re still one yourself!), you need to understand more of what’s going on internally, beneath the surface, as well as the external cultural forces that influence their lives and direction. We want to help you do that. Instead of asking you to immerse yourself in the last two decades of world-class research, we’ve done it for you. We’ve combed through the best recent social science, behavioral science, and practical theology research to help you hit the ground running in your journey with teenagers and emerging adults.
We need to offer you two warnings about what it takes to understand today’s teenagers and emerging adults. First, it’s an intense journey. That’s because the issues that today’s young people navigate are intense. Comprehending this generation means slogging through some pretty tough terrain. As a result, the bulk of this chapter’s research findings is more disconcerting than in other chapters. We love that you care enough about young people to try to understand not just the good but also the bad and ugly of their lives. Nonetheless, we’ve tried to balance that unsettling data with a handful of inspiring stories and sidebar quotes from young people grateful for their church’s willingness to jog alongside them.
Second, while this chapter is crammed with data and statistics, we are not expecting you to memorize all of them—or really any of them. We offer them to help you understand and build better relationships with the young people in your community (and for many, your family) who have undoubtedly been impacted by these nationwide trends.
Empathy Is Contagious
Pay It Forward. This title of a highly acclaimed film (ironically released in 2000, right around the time the high school students we studied were born) echoes a well-known phrase that has become part of our nation’s lexicon. The essence of both the slogan and the film is that when you are the recipient of a good deed, you then “pay it forward” by showing commensurate (or even greater) kindness to others.
We couldn’t help but notice that young people who are surrounded by empathetic adults often become more empathetic themselves. When teenagers and emerging adults are appreciated, understood, and valued, they become conduits through which empathy flows.
Perhaps the most vivid example of how young people mirror the empathy they experience is Bennett. As nine-year-old Bennett and his single mom, Vera, were looking for a church home six years ago, Vera had one major criterion: that the congregation be a safe place for her son with special needs. When she asked the children’s ministry leaders at one large church in the Southwest, “Will you take care of my unusual child?” their response was, “Absolutely. You tell us what we need to know and do. Please give us feedback on how we’re doing.” Vera and Bennett were hooked and have been active members of the congregation ever since.
“You know, this woman at church has just continuously reached out to me. She sent me a note the other day—like a handwritten note—that said, ‘Hey, I am glad that we are getting to know each other. I am happy you are in my life, and I can’t wait to get to know you more in ministry and just as friends.’ It was very unnecessary; it was outrageous. Yet welcome.” —Aimee, age 24
Vera recounted a memory of picking up nine-year-old Bennett from the children’s ministry at the end of a worship service six years ago: “Here’s what this church means to me and Bennett. I have a scene playing in my mind. I am picking up my son, and I see an adult bent down on his level, focused on what my son is saying. He puts his hand on my son’s shoulder, nods his head, and says something that I can’t hear. Both smile, and my son nods his head back. At school, Bennett never feels that understood and secure.”
In a world that often doesn’t take the time to talk to Bennett, such empathy was a magnet for both Bennett and his mom. But Vera continued, “Now my son is 15. This church is his home, and he’s been invited to help serve in the kindergarten class—something I never thought possible. A few months ago, as I again picked him up after worship, he was bent over, listening to a seven-year-old boy. Bennett was nodding his head. I moved close enough to hear what Bennett said as he put his hand on this boy’s shoulder: ‘I understand. I’ve felt that way before too.’ Bennett never could have said that if he hadn’t felt like this church had understood him. He is modeling the empathy that he had experienced.”
The Three Ultimate Questions of Every Young Person
Based on the time we spent with Bennett and hundreds of other young people, as well as our theological reflection, we believe that at the core of what it means to be human lie three ultimate questions. If we are going to empathize with today’s young people, we have to explore these questions. They are often what keep today’s teenagers and emerging adults awake at night.
Who am I?
Where do I fit?
What difference do I make?
The first is a question about identity, meaning a young person’s conception and expression of who they are. This question holds up the mirror and scrutinizes me.
The second is a question of belonging, or a young person’s quantity and quality of life-giving relationships. This question looks around the room, eager to explore us.
The third is a question about purpose, or a young person’s commitment to and ability to engage in meaningful activities that impact others. This question peers out the window and wonders about our world.
THE THREE ULTIMATE QUESTIONS
I’m wondering . . .
My ultimate question is about my . . .
The focus is on . . .
Who am I?
Identity
Me
Where do I fit?
Belonging
Us
What difference do I make?
Purpose
Our world
These Three Questions Are Not Unique to This Generation
When the Fuller Youth Institute gathered the experienced academicians and leaders who serve as our research advisors, we asked them to identify the lies that adults believe about young people. Surfacing at the top of their list was the lie that young people are completely “other.” The typical senior leader or congregation member has bought into the myth that young people are not only a problem but also a problem they can’t relate to. Or empathize with. If it wasn’t for these three questions, that might be true.
But as we’ve spoken to parents, congregational leaders, and other researchers, it’s become clear that these questions of identity, belonging, and purpose traverse across all life stages. During the last 24 hours, I (Kara) have vacillated between pride and insecurity as I’ve assessed who I am and what motivates me as a wife, parent, and leader. Last night, I wondered if I had the energy and courage required to deepen a friendship with a neighbor. This morning, I prayed a big prayer for the young people of our country—one that now causes me to tear up as I remember how it felt to ask God to do a God-sized work in the hearts and minds of young people.
These questions are not corralled by any one generation; they roam the canyons that separate the generations today. In those moments when the gap seems to be growing between those under and those over 30, these common questions enable us to transcend the particular year in which any of us was born and empathize with the young people in our midst.
The Young People You Know Experience These Questions Acutely
Every one of us, regardless of age, contends with a common angst about our identity, belonging, and purpose. Why then is it that those of us over 30 often feel so different from 15- to 29-year-olds? The first of two reasons that we sense a generation gap is that once we pass through the life stages of adolescence and emerging adulthood, we encounter these questions with less fervor. After age 30, we periodically feel the tension of resolving these three ultimate questions, but young people feel that pressure acutely and constantly. Those over 30 sense these big questions as a back-burner presence, with intervals when the heat is turned up. For people under 30, their relational and self-image struggles keep their identity, belonging, and purpose dilemmas at a constant, churning boil.
A Later Finish Line
In addition to this distinction between young and old, we often sense a generation gap because this current generation also develops at a different pace. The time it takes today’s teenagers and emerging adults to mature has changed. On the one hand, their journey toward adulthood has sped up. On the other hand, it has slowed down. Way down.
In comparison with previous generations, today’s journey toward maturity often seems to move in slow motion. Young people are older when they turn the corners of identity, belonging, and purpose typically equated with full adulthood.
The median age for first marriage is now 26.5 for women and 28.7 for men, both of which are more than five years later than 50 years ago.3
The average age for women bearing their first child is 26 years, which is almost five years later than women in 1970.4
Given the uncertainties of today’s economic climate and the increased assumption that a college degree is a universal necessity, more young people are pursuing more higher education. Two-thirds of high school graduates now enter college, a higher proportion than ever before in American history. Among those who graduate from college, approximately one-third head to graduate school the following year.5 While previous generations of young adults plunged into the workforce right after high school or in their early twenties, many of today’s young adults often wait until their late twenties or early thirties to take on a long-term career.
When they eventually dive into the workforce, the average American holds six different jobs between the ages of 18 and 26, and two-thirds of these jobs occur between ages 18 and 22.6
Partly because of young adults’ career and educational odysseys, it takes them longer to become financially independent. In comparison with 1970, parents today provide 11 percent more financial help to young adult children.7 Forty percent of young adults in their twenties move back home with their parents at least once.8
The data paints a clear and compelling picture of what has become labeled an “extended adolescence.”9 The traditional signs that a young person has entered adulthood—a spouse, a family, completed education, a steady job, and financial independence—now occur five or more years later. In no hurry to put down permanent roots and often rejecting one or more of these traditional markers of adulthood altogether, today’s emerging adults are explorers.
This role of explorer is not necessarily a conscious desire or intentional choice. The world young people have been handed is more complex, competitive, and diverse. The conventional array of paths available to young adults has been exponentially multiplied. As a result, there is so much more to explore and navigate—whether they want to or not.
That’s why 25-year-olds sometimes seem like 15-year-olds.
A LATER FINISH LINE
An Earlier Starting Line
Yet the inverse is also true. Sometimes 15-year-olds blow us away with their maturity, acting like 25-year-olds. Just as the finish line of young people’s passage into adulthood is now later, their journey toward identity, belonging, and purpose starts earlier.
Biologically, the onset of puberty, marked by the average age of menarche in girls, has plummeted from age 16 to somewhere between age 12 and 13.10
Culturally, young people have been hit with a tidal wave of pressures that immerses them in what had previously been adult-only currents. From highly competitive sports and extracurricular activities for kindergartners to college preparatory courses for eighth graders, children have arguably seen more, heard more, and done more than almost any previous generation.
AN EARLIER STARTING LINE
At 15, young people carry more access to the world via the mobile devices in their pockets than their parents could ever fathom as teenagers. And yet at 25, they still rely on those same parents to fund the mobile plan that gives them that constant access to the world.
Fifteen is the new 25. Twenty-five is the new 15. Yes, it is that complicated.
Young People’s Erratic Search for Identity
Earlier start + Later finish = Longer race
A longer race full of hazardous holes, confusing alternative paths, and stiff headwinds. Many of these obstacles are timeless challenges that were also navigated by young adults in earlier eras. The rest are new, often the result of the pace and paths chosen by previous generations. Regardless of their origin, these obstacles complicate young people’s exploration of their identity, belonging, and purpose.
As we seek to keep step with young people in their three quests, we need first to examine how the obstacles of pervasive stress and peripheral faith hijack their ability to define themselves.
PERVASIVE STRESS
As today’s young people seek a more coherent sense of identity, the stress that formerly hit them in college, or even after college, now begins in middle school (or younger). By high school, many middle- and upper-class teenagers juggle digital calendars jammed with extracurricular activities that begin as early as 6:00 a.m., after-school study sessions, college entrance exam tutoring, and sports team practices that leave them trailing home after 10:00 p.m.11 Followed by two to three hours of homework.12
Athletes used to specialize in a single sport in high school; now that starts in elementary school. Previously, musicians and artists could freely dabble in various media and instruments throughout high school; present-day teenagers have to claim their craft in middle school. No longer can a kid flirt with a handful of hobbies, discovering various facets of their personality and passions, before choosing what they love. There’s so little time for thoughtful and measured exploration in high school that young adults end up exploring their skills and passions well into their twenties.
A recent study showed that 13- to 17-year-olds are more likely to feel “extreme stress” than adults.13 Even more alarming is that the adults closest to young people are often blind to their heightened stress levels. Approximately 20 percent of teenagers confess that they worry “a great deal” about current and future life events. But only 8 percent of the parents of these same teenagers report that their child is experiencing a great deal of stress.14 Parents often don’t realize the constant heat felt by adolescents, increasing the pressure for them to figure out who they are and what’s important to them.
After adolescence, emerging adults race from the proverbial stress-filled pot into the stress-fueled fire.15 Fewer college students are reporting “above-average” health since this question was first asked in 1985.16
According to sociologist Tim Clydesdale, much of that pressure stems from the hassles of “daily life management.” The ongoing tumult of academic, vocational, and relational dilemmas causes young people to put critical parts of themselves, including their religious, political, racial, gender, and class identities, into an “identity lockbox.”17 This lockbox allows young people to keep their religion and foundational values “safe,” protected from the stress that buffets them daily. But that upside is dwarfed by the downside—while young people are deciding and expressing who they are, their faith and core values are locked up. As they have life-defining conversations, their underlying beliefs remain muted.
“I spend hours out of my week going to my church’s worship services, small group meetings, and activities, but that is my favorite part of my week. And it really deepens my faith.” —Carlos, age 19
Although the typical young person is steeped in stress, there is some good news for churches. Thankfully, the hazards caused by stress seem less troublesome for churches and parishes that grow young. Over 80 percent of the young people in the congregations we surveyed agree that their church involvement decreases their stress. Even though church activities and leadership often make young people busier, there’s a significant upside. Congregational involvement seems to lessen anxiety by reminding young people of what’s important and inviting them to step away from the chaos of their lives to refocus on loving God and others.18
PERIPHERAL FAITH
While we applaud that the young people in churches growing young feel less stress, the identity of young people in general is not rooted in their faith as we might hope. The National Study of Youth and Religion (NSYR), a comprehensive sociological study of the faith of over 2,000 13- to 17-year-olds nationwide, uncovered some good news: American teenagers are not hostile toward religion.
But before we celebrate any supposed shift in US religiosity, we must quickly pivot to the bad news. US teens aren’t hostile toward religion because they don’t care about it very much. More specifically, while 3 out of 4 American teenagers claim to be Christians, only about half of those professing Christians view their faith as “very important.” Fewer than half regularly integrate faith practices into their daily lives.19
The NSYR then conducted a second round of research, following the same cohort of teenagers as they became 18- to 23-year-olds. If anything, the influence of religion diminished. Only 45 percent of emerging adults maintain any semblance of faith practices.
While faith is ideally a central force in identity development, the bland faith offered by the typical church is missing a hefty enough gravitational pull. Rather than define themselves by faith, teenagers and emerging adults wander aimlessly, searching down other paths of meaning.
Case Study: A Church Growing Young Empathizes with a Teenager’s Search for Identity
During one of our site visits at an urban Baptist church, we heard the story of Sarah, a high school sophomore who struggled through the identity challenges we’ve just named. Her family was burdened financially, her grades were declining, and her failure to measure up to her talented older brother’s long list of achievements caused perpetual stress. Sarah’s personal turmoil cast a long and suffocating shadow on her relationship with God. Overwhelmed by her heavy load and desperate for relief, she overdosed on drugs.
Thankfully, her suicide attempt wasn’t successful. When members of the congregation found out that Sarah was in the hospital and why, they didn’t judge her or try to minimize her pain. To the contrary, they immediately surrounded her in her hospital room—with prayer and compassion.
And while their support was immediate, it wasn’t only short term. As Sarah returned to home, school, and church, her congregation made space for her to share her ongoing stress and sadness. They let Sarah know it was okay to take baby steps, and sometimes even slide backward, in her journey to explore her identity. Sarah’s faith, which had previously been feeble, has grown stronger because her congregation has rallied and walked with her through the “valley of the shadow of death.”20
Churches that grow young aren’t perfect. The young people who are part of them aren’t perfect either. We wish that Sarah’s search for identity had been smoother and more even. But stumbles are inevitable. What sets churches that grow young apart is not the absence of struggling young people. It’s that when their young people fall, the faith community is there to help them find their footing and then walk with them on the quest to know and express who they are.
Young People’s Uncertain Quest for Belonging
As Sarah’s life demonstrates, young people’s search for identity is closely linked with their quest for belonging. Unfortunately, teenagers’ and emerging adults’ erratic identity development makes forming community more challenging. After all, it’s difficult to develop a tribe when who you are keeps changing. So the teenagers and emerging adults in your church and community often end up socially overstimulated and relationally undersupported. Young people need periodic bursts of energy to continue to pursue social relationships, and technology and sexual experimentation are two such bursts. Yet the relational breadth and quick momentum these bursts offer are ultimately stalled by the absence of adult support.
DIGITAL TECHNOLOGY
Today’s digital technology helps young people connect globally—with their closest friend across town, their favorite musician across the country, and fans of an obscure hobby across an ocean. Teenagers and emerging adults can—and do—connect with everyone and learn about everything online.
Here are some quick facts to help you understand how teenagers use digital technology to stay in touch with others:21
As parents, we navigate questions about our kids’ use of technology every day. For more about how families can chart new, positive paths in their use of technology, visit StickyFaith.org/family.
It’s tempting for older generations to greet young people riveted to their devices with four words: “Put that thing down.” But a better—and growing young—response is to understand why they hunger for that digital connection. As technology scholar and researcher danah boyd suggests, “Fear is not the solution; empathy is.”22
Young people use social media for one major reason: connection. Digital media offers young people desperate for community unprecedented access to their friends, family, and the rest of the world.
But churches growing young appreciate and empathize with how technology is a double-edged sword for young people eager to belong. Digital media magnifies any cracks or holes that exist in young people’s social support structure. Pictures and social media posts about Tuesday afternoon study sessions and Friday night parties can make young people feel like “everyone else” has more friends.23 For teenagers and young adults desperate for a sense of belonging, technology provides quick bursts of momentum that can end up unfortunately petering out.
SEXUAL EXPERIMENTATION
Hoping to connect with others through more than just a screen, the majority of teenagers—including those who view their religion as very important to them—turn to sex. As mentioned earlier, the average age of marriage is now in the late twenties, while the average age of biological puberty is approximately age 13. That 12- to 14-year gap between biological puberty and marriage is a long time for sexually maturing young men and women to wait for sex.24
So they’re not. By age 18, over 75 percent of those who never attend church, and almost 53 percent of those who attend church weekly, are no longer virgins.25 In our (mostly) “anything goes” sexual culture, young people are also exploring sexting, oral sex, and anal sex.
In addition to heterosexual encounters, a common topic in both the media and controversial church discussions is same-sex attraction and identity. When it comes to LGBTQ behaviors of college-aged young adults, 5.2 percent of young men and 14 percent of young women have had sexual contact with a same-sex partner.26
Beyond their quest to belong, a host of reasons motivates teenagers and emerging adults to engage in sexual relationships—pleasure, peer pressure, and inquisitiveness to name a few. Whether young people look to sexual exploration as a fast track to gratification or a shortcut to community, their sexual choices often detour them from the sense of belonging they ultimately seek. More than 55 percent of sexually experienced 15- to 19-year-olds wish they had waited longer to have sex. For 12- to 14-year-olds, that number climbs to 81 percent.27 What initially felt like a speedy path to connection often degrades into a dead end of pain and regret.
ADULT ABANDONMENT
Empathizing with young people today means admitting that perhaps the allure of technology and sexual exploration stems in part from the lack of support offered by adults. According to our friend and colleague Chap Clark, a defining experience for this generation of teenagers is systemic abandonment. In his ethnographic research, Clark commonly encountered teenagers who viewed neighbors, relatives, teachers, coaches, pastors, priests, and parents as too busy or too self-absorbed to invest in them without an agenda. The family, once a hub of belonging for young people, now increases pressure and a sense of loneliness. Clark contends, “We have evolved to the point where we believe that driving is support, being active is love, and providing any and every opportunity is selfless nurture.”28
“A man in our church became my mentor right around the time my parents ended up separating. He basically became another father figure that I could talk to and ask for advice and hang out with. He has definitely been the most important person in my life from the church. I still talk to him on a regular basis for support and advice eight years later.” —Marcus, age 26
Young people’s hunger for caring adults doesn’t end at the conclusion of adolescence. In a season when emerging adults need the loving presence of others to help them navigate a host of new decisions, that safety net is often ripped away. Wuthnow argues:
We provide day care centers, schools, welfare programs, family counseling, colleges, job training programs, and even detention centers as a kind of institutional surround-sound until young adults reach age 21, and then we provide nothing. . . . Yet nearly all the major decisions a person has to make about marriage, child rearing, and work happen after these support systems have ceased to function. This is not a good way to run a society.29
Churches that grow young recognize that the absence of caring adults and healthy families is the Achilles’ heel that thwarts young people’s ultimate quest for a tribe.
While sometimes our best move is to stay quiet and pray, at other times, the most compassionate and supportive step we can take is to speak up. Based on the empathy we have seen in churches growing young, if you feel called to share your concerns, we recommend you follow this principle: first connect, and then correct. Embracing this approach with young people might mean you:
• Pay attention to how you are feeling before you talk with them. Are you nervous or scared? Do this young person’s choices surface old memories or wounds in your own life?
• Start your conversation by affirming what you appreciate about them.
• Gently probe how they are feeling about the particular issue that concerns you, instead of diving into a lecture or tirade.
• Ask if they can think of any other ways they could respond to that issue.
• Help them explore the pros and cons of those potential responses.
• Share your concerns, and then ask what they think is wrong about any observations you share, as well as what may be right.
• Ask how you can help them make any shifts they desire to make.
• Shower them with the same response whether they don’t want to change, or try to change and fail, or try to change and succeed: unconditional love. Even—or maybe especially—when they disappoint you, please don’t be one more adult who makes them feel abandoned.
• Pray for them. And with them.
Case Study: A Church Growing Young Satisfies a Young Person’s Hunger for Belonging
Seventeen-year-old Ariana had given up hope that her family could provide her with the sense of belonging she craved. The ongoing conflict between her divorced mom and dad consumed so much of their emotional energy that they had little left over for Ariana. Texting friends and dating boys filled some of that hole but not nearly enough.
Ariana’s emotional abandonment soon became physical. Due to her immigration status, her mom was deported to Costa Rica. Now instead of bouncing back and forth between her two parents’ homes, Ariana moved in full-time with her dad. All the anger her dad had showered on her mom was soon aimed toward Ariana. Ariana’s sassy teenage attitude made him all the more furious.
Through her church, Ariana came face-to-face with empathy in a human form. Denise was a single mom who felt like she could relate to Ariana’s pain and isolation because her own parents had divorced when she was in elementary school. When Denise heard that Ariana had a weekend cheerleading competition, she went and sat in the stands. Ariana was so touched that she began texting prayer requests to Denise. The two started sharing meals together, and Denise did her best to attend all of Ariana’s cheer contests.
For most high school seniors, prom is something to look forward to. But for Ariana, it was a night to dread. Since her mom was now absent, Ariana had no one to go shopping with her for just the right dress or help her that evening with her hair and makeup. If you’ve never been a 17-year-old girl, that might not sound like that big of a deal. Trust us. It’s major.
Denise had taken enough steps toward Ariana that Ariana decided it was time to throw the door wide open. Ariana asked Denise to take her shopping and come over on prom night to help her get ready. Knowing how much prom meant to Ariana, Denise cleared her schedule and found a babysitter for her own daughter so the two could shop at local secondhand stores until they found just the perfect dress.
What could have been a time of despair for Ariana was transformed into a time of delight. On the big night, Denise went over to Ariana’s apartment to finesse her hair and makeup. Joining them by video conference was Ariana’s mom in Costa Rica. It was the first time that Denise had “met” Ariana’s mom. Through tears, her mom thanked Denise for being like a “mom” for prom. As Denise described afterward, “When I see kids like Ariana who lack support systems, I try to figure out at least one thing I can do so they know I care. Showing up for Ariana’s cheerleading competition opened a relationship door that not only changed Ariana, it shaped me too.”
Young People’s Meandering Journey toward Purpose
For Ariana and the teenagers you know who crave meaningful community, the path to feeling significant is equally daunting. Young people’s search for purpose is fueled by their deep desire to make a difference, but the robust forces of jaded realism and cultural pluralism often stall their progress.
JADED REALISM
An early 1990s cartoon captured the mixed messages barraging young people in that decade. A young adult in his twenties stands in his bedroom, staring at his bed. Covering his bed are two T-shirts, implying that the young man is trying to choose which to wear. One T-shirt proclaims, “Just Do It” (à la Nike). The other counters, “Just Say No” (an anti-drug slogan from the 1980s). The young man scratches his head, paralyzed by ambivalence about which message he should declare that day.
We hear similarly contradictory messages about young people’s level of passion. On the one hand, today’s young people are touted as justice crusaders devoted to helping those who are poor or marginalized. They are portrayed as selfless revolutionaries ready to change the world one dollar and social media post at a time. On the other hand, the very same cohort of young people is depicted as egotistical and entitled, motivated primarily by whatever best serves their pursuit of their own happiness.
Which is it? Are today’s young people selfish or selfless?
Yes.
They are both. (Just like all of us.)
In previous FYI research, we asked 500 youth group seniors what they wished they had more of in youth group. Of the 13 options we provided, students’ top answer was “time for deep conversation.”
Second was mission trips.
Third was service projects.
Last was games.
Granted, these were high school seniors. A survey of seventh graders probably would have yielded a different hierarchy. Nonetheless, churchgoing teenagers seem inclined to be changed by Christ to change the world around them.
And yet all too often, this march to “save” the planet and its inhabitants gets tripped up. Outside of the faith community, by the time teenagers enter emerging adulthood, those still interested in changing the world appear to be in the minority. While many church leaders boast about how their young people are involved in service and justice, the best studies of young people in general leave less to shout about.
All too often, young people can’t get their “dream job,” or they find their dream job and get burned out. Or the job they thought was a dream job turns out to be a dead end. While almost 1 in 5 young people attempts to start or run a new business themselves,30 the challenging vocational path that today’s young people explore can easily lead to broad disillusionment and lethargy. Although the young people at churches that grow young are often less jaded, the majority of emerging adults in the US are either consumed by or disappointed with their own haphazard journey. Consequently, they become jaded realists who don’t believe their efforts can move the needle to help others.31
“I had just recently moved to the city, and one of the pastors at our church went out of her way to get to know me. She connected with me every time I was at church. It meant a lot that someone who was in leadership cared about me as a post-college adult. It was so organic and informal that it took me a while to realize that it was happening.” —Soo Yeon, age 23
CULTURAL PLURALISM
As a result of immigration, the average US resident is more exposed to diverse cultures than ever before. By 2020, more than half of our country’s children are expected to be part of a minority race or ethnic group.32
Like the US population in general, American Christians are becoming more diverse. Non-Hispanic whites now represent smaller shares of evangelical Protestants, mainline Protestants, and Roman Catholics than 10 years ago. Racial and ethnic minorities now comprise 41 percent of Roman Catholics (up from 35 percent in 2007), 24 percent of evangelical Protestants (up from 19 percent), and 14 percent of mainline Protestants (up from 9 percent).33 This increase in racial and ethnic diversity in the US church is something to celebrate.
Because the influx of recent immigrants has skewed younger, the teenagers and emerging adults in your community are even more likely to have cross-cultural friendships.34 Perhaps not coincidentally, virtually since birth, the value of cultural diversity is the air this generation has breathed.35
But this appreciation for diversity—meaning an appreciation of others who are different—can also devolve into pluralism, meaning an acceptance of different religious and value systems as equally valid.36 It takes intellectual, social, and worldview maturity to be committed to one belief system while simultaneously recognizing the value of other belief systems. Not all young people (or adults) have this maturity.
Thus the initial burst toward purpose that comes from cross-cultural relationships degenerates into a social and religious inclusivity that thwarts young people’s progress. Struggling in their exploration of a pluralistic culture that either implies or states explicitly that all belief systems are equally valid, many teenagers and emerging adults lack the motivation to share their faith with others. They lack a worldview or faith grand enough to encompass the nuanced and sometimes contradictory beliefs held by themselves and those they care about. Pluralism can become a slow drain on a young person’s energy, emptying them of their passion to impact the world.
On the upside, in churches that grow young, the energy that teenagers and emerging adults pour into civil rights activism—one of the primary justice passions for young people today—often flows directly from their diverse friendships. It is typically a growing relationship with someone who is different—through their race, ethnicity, gender, or sexual preference—that motivates teenagers and emerging adults to march, give, and stand up for those they believe have been marginalized. Sometimes this activism is also grounded in a deep and biblically rooted conviction that reconciliation and social activism on behalf of marginalized groups advances Christ’s kingdom on earth.
Case Study: A Church Growing Young Channels Young People’s Need for Real Purpose in a Pluralistic World
For City Church in downtown Baltimore, ethnic diversity isn’t a drain on the congregation’s energy; it’s one of their primary sparks.
Three years ago, Chapelgate Presbyterian Church, located in the city’s suburbs, birthed the church plant. When confronted with a key question—Is our primary goal as a congregation to grow as large as we can?—Chapelgate resolved that while they wanted to grow, they would best grow young by launching a new congregation in an ethnically diverse downtown district.
The thriving church plant of 75 is now full of college students and young professionals from the neighborhood, as well as older adults drawn to the church’s youthful spirit. At the heart of City Church beats a shared commitment to engage all of its members—whether entrepreneurs in their twenties and thirties or middle-aged parents in their forties and fifties—in purposeful ministry.
That purposeful ministry is grounded in the congregation’s willingness to enter into and empathize with the pain of the city. By launching a community counseling center, the church is helping its neighbors navigate their social and emotional struggles. By serving in community outreach as well as in church programs and worship, young people move past the jaded realism and entitlement that can otherwise thwart their search for purpose. The appeal of City Church is so strong that young people are actually moving into the downtown neighborhood or finding jobs nearby just so they can call the congregation home.
Keyanna, a full-time licensed professional counselor, uses her vocational skills to lead City Church’s benevolence team and provide relief and support for neighbors in trouble. Under her leadership, the church empathetically offers those in dire circumstances both financial and emotional support.
As a major in family studies, Candice finds coordinating the church’s children’s ministry a logical outlet for her career passions.
Frank has an administrative job at the local college, so he values leading worship as his best chance to exercise his guitar and music muscles.
As Patrick, City Church’s minister, explains, “All of these young people dabbled in ministry before, but they are now diving in fully. They have learned what it means to be part of a community and contribute to what God is doing in a grassroots way. Serving in our church has put their spiritual development on overdrive.”
Ideas for Action
As you review the following ideas, perhaps make notes in the margin. Mark if the idea is a fit for your church, who should implement the idea (you or another leader), and whether it can happen now or later. Please don’t try to do everything—instead, aim for two or three ideas that you can act on now. Then at the end of the chapter, use the strategic questions to guide your church toward a specific plan to empathize with today’s young people.
Respond with Grace, Love, and Mission
As academics, we try to lay aside our biases while conducting research, but we are going to let you in on a few biases we hold related to young people’s search for identity, belonging, and purpose. They’re strong ones. We believe the gospel, the Good News of Scripture, matters and offers the most profound answers to young people’s three ultimate questions.
We think that young people’s deepest questions about identity are best answered by God’s grace.
We are convinced that teenagers’ and emerging adults’ need to belong is ultimately met through the unconditional love of community.
We believe their hunger for purpose is satisfied by being involved in God’s mission in the world.
Thus the table we initially presented on page 95 needs a new column.
Grace. Love. Mission. In many ways, these represent the crux of what we—and more importantly, Jesus—offer young people. Since the rest of this book often touches on these three themes, the tangible action steps in this chapter specifically focus on helping you empathize with this generation’s trek toward—or sadly, often away from—good answers. But in the midst of your patient journey with teenagers and emerging adults, don’t be afraid to point them to grace, love, and mission as God’s best resolution to their often painful dilemmas. As you now consider how to best walk alongside young people, we urge you to keep these three generative themes in mind.
THE THREE ULTIMATE QUESTIONS
I’m wondering . . .
My ultimate question is about my . . .
The focus is on . . .
My question is best answered by God’s . . .
Who am I?
Identity
Me
Grace
Where do I fit?
Belonging
Us
Love
What difference do I make?
Purpose
Our world
Mission
Rewind to Your Own Journey
It’s hard for many of us to turn back the years in our memories, but each of us once lived through the teen and young adult stages. If you have access to your old yearbooks, pictures, videos, or journals from those seasons, take a few moments to peruse them.
What was your own quest for identity, belonging, and purpose like? What helped you surge ahead? What roadblocks slowed your progress? How can these memories increase your empathy for today’s teenagers and young adults?
One leader who wants to help his church grow young keeps a picture of himself as a teenager displayed prominently in his office as a continual reminder of that awkward phase. As much as the three of us love young people, that’s a bridge too far for us. But we hope his commitment and creativity inspire you to rewind to your own bumpy journey as a young person.
“I think about what I would have wanted in high school. Someone knowing my name and checking in with me would have been amazing.” —Donya, youth ministry volunteer
Stereotype No More
You or others in your congregation likely have stereotypes about young people. Perhaps . . .
An unemployed 24-year-old = lazy
A 19-year-old taking a “gap year” before starting college = noncommittal
An unmarried 26-year-old = loser
A 28-year-old living at home = codependent parents
Any teenager = rebel
As you hold up these stereotypes against the lengthened explorations of this generation of young people, they start to fade away. When you hear others in your church judging, try gently nudging them toward your growing understanding of identity, belonging, and purpose. If you realize you’re the one doing the judging, put down your gavel and pick up an appreciation for the unique hurdles that teenagers and emerging adults face today. Consider having a conversation with a young person to better understand their choices and behaviors that feel foreign to you.
When You See Something New, Confusing, and Maybe Even Offensive in Culture, Ask Why
Hashtags. Selfies. Apps.
Metrosexual clothing.
Music so loud that you can’t understand the lyrics. (That’s okay, though, because you’re pretty sure if you could, you’d be offended.)
At best, these pieces of youth culture are confusing to many of us over 30. At worst, they are downright annoying. But when you place any one of these pieces in the jigsaw puzzle of a young person’s search for identity, belonging, and purpose, a different picture takes shape. Clothing choices are part of a young person’s quest to explore and define themselves. Constant texting helps them stay connected to their community. Music captures the joys and laments of being young.
Immediately adjacent to almost every confusing cultural trend is a young person’s quest for a meaningful relationship with themselves, their community, and the world. If you can’t decipher the connection between their choices and the three ultimate questions, feel free to ask a young person to help you. Ask them why that trend is popular. Imagine with them how that fad is connected with identity, belonging, or purpose. That conversation alone could help your relationship with one young person, as well as your empathy for young people in general, leap forward.
Walk through Your Facility and Worship Service with the Eyes of a Young Person
“Time in erodes awareness of.”37
This aphorism by pastor Andy Stanley captures how some of us have been part of our congregation for so long that we are blind to how it feels to guests. Especially if those guests are from a generation other than our own.
Your worship center may be the only place emerging adults visit where they are not allowed to bring coffee.
Your worship service may be the only time in the week of high school students when they are sung at. By adults. In robes.
We are not saying you should welcome clumsy coffee drinkers into your worship space. Nor are we implying that you should eliminate your choir.
We are saying we want you to empathize with how the church culture you’ve come to love feels to a first-time visitor, especially a young person. In the spirit of growing young, we hope you take a few steps to make your worship facility and service even more welcoming to young people.
Maybe you take a cue from a Colorado church that offers a cereal bar to middle schoolers and breakfast burritos to high school students.
Perhaps you swap out your uncomfortable Sunday school chairs for cozy couches and beanbags.
Even upgrading your coffee sends the message that you care about weary, caffeine-craving young people.
To figure out which changes make the most sense in your context, start in the parking lot and approach your church campus with the fresh eyes of a first-time young person. Walk your campus, imagining where young people feel accepted and where they feel misunderstood.
Since your church’s online presence will often be a young person’s first impression of your church, invite a teenager or emerging adult to sit next to you as you visit your church’s website. Ask them to show you which portions of your website draw them in, as well as which create distance.
Odds are good that the insights you glean that would make your church culture more hospitable for young people will make all generations feel more at home.
Learn the Name of One Young Person . . . or Two . . . or Even Three
Teenagers and emerging adults want to be known. As we seek to become more empathetic, knowing their name is low-hanging fruit. Every time you show up to church for the next month, make an effort to learn the name of one new young person, with a goal of saying it to them the following week. Bonus points if you remember their name two or three months from now.
Dive Deeper with One Young Person
Understanding identity, belonging, and purpose helps you empathize with the currents and waves navigated by teenagers and emerging adults as a whole. But you will likely stay in the shallow end until you build a quality relationship with one specific young person.
Your niece. Your neighbor. Your neighborhood barista.
If you are stuck and can’t think of anyone, ask a leader at your church if there’s someone they recommend based on a shared hobby (computers, gardening, cooking Thai food) or overlapping vocational interests.
When you meet with that teenager or emerging adult, let them know that you want to understand their world. If you feel out of touch with youth culture, or even culture overall, admit it. Ask them to help you. And thank them repeatedly.
“I grew up in a fatherless home and so I never saw what a biblical dad looked like. But a man in my church invited me to spend time with him. I was able to go over to his house and watch how he would love on his wife and his children. I feel like I can go to him and share my struggles with him. The way he loves me for who I am gives me a picture of what God is.” —Keith, age 24
Huddle Regularly with a Few Young People
One of the members of our Pastor Advisory Council meets every four weeks with the same group of high school students. It’s his monthly opportunity to ask questions about trends in youth culture, as well as hear how they feel about what’s happening in the congregation and even his own preaching. This astute leader is quick to admit that he learns far more from them than they from him.
Don’t Leave Singles Feeling Singled Out
In the past, churches and parishes could offer programs for high school students, college students, and young married couples to cover the developmental stages of 15- to 29-year-olds. But thinking in terms of only these three demographic categories leaves holes in our ministry offerings today. Extended adolescence means there’s a new gap between college and marriage that most congregations ignore. We often blame folks in their twenties for not being involved in our churches, but the reality is that we aren’t offering much (or anything) for single adults that age. Rather than feeling noticed and welcomed, they feel overlooked or somehow inferior.
Empathizing with extended adolescence doesn’t mean you have to launch a full-blown emerging adults or singles program. Instead, invite some emerging adults (perhaps both single and married) into your living room for a meal or to a nearby restaurant to watch the upcoming big game. Ask them what it feels like to be single in your church. Creatively connect them with people from other demographics. See what unfolds naturally as single and married young people get to know you and each other. When it comes to ministry with single emerging adults, slow and organic is usually best.
Support Marriages . . . Tangibly
Most churches’ marriage support can best be described as a few premarital classes, an annual seminar (typically attended by couples who need it the least), and a fairly competent wedding coordinator. Churches growing young in our study took a few small steps—and sometimes a few large leaps—beyond that norm.
They paired up engaged and married couples with older mentor couples.
They offered premarital groups, not just classes, to provide both training and supportive long-term community.
They even offered scholarships for couples to attend therapy together at local professional counseling centers.
The average age at which young people wed is certainly getting later, but empathetic congregations are primed and ready to provide effective support—if and when those wedding bells ring.
Chapter Highlights
• Churches grow young by empathizing, or feeling with, this generation of young people.
• Young people wrestle with three ultimate questions: Who am I? (a question of identity), Where do I fit? (a question of belonging), and What difference do I make? (a question of purpose).
• While these questions are not unique to young people, teenagers and emerging adults generally feel them more intensely than older generations.
• Now that adolescence has been extended and young people are in a longer season of exploration, 25 feels like the new 15, and 15 often seems like the new 25. Their journey has both an earlier starting line and a later finish line.
• Young people’s search for identity is made erratic by their pervasive stress and their peripheral faith.
• Teenagers’ and emerging adults’ quest for belonging is thwarted by omnipresent technology, sexual experimentation, and adult abandonment.
• This generation’s hunger for purpose remains unsatisfied because of their jaded realism and cultural pluralism.
Strategic Questions to Help You Empathize with Today’s Young People
Research Findings
On a scale of 1 to 5 (with 1 being “we’re struggling here” and 5 being “we’re nailing this”), rate your congregation on the research findings presented in this chapter:
1. Our congregation is patient with young people in the midst of their extended adolescence.
1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
2. Our congregation understands the pervasive stress and peripheral religion that stall young people’s search for identity.
1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
3. Our congregation recognizes the digital technology, sexual experimentation, and adult abandonment that handicap this generation’s quest for belonging.
1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
4. Our congregation grasps the jaded realism and cultural pluralism that obstruct young people’s path toward purpose.
1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
5. Our congregation knows how to empathize with today’s teenagers and emerging adults.
1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
Ideas for Action
1. What are you personally already doing to empathize with present-day teenagers and emerging adults?
2. In what practical ways is your congregation already empathizing with this generation of young people? What gets in the way of your empathizing with this generation?
3. Given your ranking of the findings in the previous section, as well as the ideas you’ve read in this chapter, what one or two shifts might you or your church want to make?
4. Who else needs to be part of this conversation?
5. What can you do in the next few weeks or months to move toward these changes?