Chapter Eleven: Self-Control
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Self-Control
Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control.
PROVERBS 25:28
In ancient times the walls of a city were its main defense; without them the city was easy prey to its enemies. To godly Nehemiah, a Jewish captive in the faraway city of Susa, the news that the wall of Jerusalem was broken down signified the ultimate destruction of his beloved city. When he heard the news he sat down and wept.
Self-control is the believer’s wall of defense against the sinful desires that wage war against his soul. Charles Bridges has observed that the person without self-control is easy prey to the invader: “He yields himself to the first assault of his ungoverned passions, offering no resistance. . . . Having no discipline over himself, temptation becomes the occasion of sin, and hurries him on to fearful lengths that he had not contemplated. . . . Anger tends to murder. Unwatchfulness over lust plunges into adultery.”[28]
Self-control is control of one’s self. It is probably best defined as the governing of one’s desires. D. G. Kehl describes it as “the ability to avoid excesses, to stay within reasonable bounds.”[29] George Bethune calls it “the healthful regulation of our desires and appetites, preventing their excess.”[30] Both of these descriptions imply what we all know to be true: We have a tendency to overindulge our various appetites and consequently need to restrain them.
But self-control involves a much wider range of watchfulness than merely control of our bodily appetites and desires. We also must exercise self-control of thoughts, emotions, and speech. There is a form of self-control that says yes to what we should do as well as that which says no to what we shouldn’t do. For example, I seldom want to study the Bible when I first begin a study. There are too many other things that are mentally much easier to do, such as reading the newspaper, a magazine, or a good Christian book. A necessary expression of self-control, then, is to set myself down at the dining room table with Bible and notebook in hand and say to myself, “Get with it!” This may not sound very spiritual, but neither does Paul’s exclamation, “I beat my body and make it my slave” (1 Corinthians 9:27).
Self-control is necessary because we are at war with our own sinful desires. James describes those desires as dragging us away and enticing us into sin (see 1:14). Peter says they war against our souls (see 1 Peter 2:11). Paul speaks of them as deceitful (see Ephesians 4:22). What makes these sinful desires so dangerous is that they dwell within our own hearts. External temptations would not be nearly so dangerous were it not for the fact that they find this ally of desire right within our own breast.
Self-control is an essential character trait of the godly person that enables him to obey the words of the Lord Jesus, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me” (Luke 9:23). It is impossible to be a follower of Jesus without giving diligent attention in our lives to the grace of self-control.
The translators of the New International Version of the Bible have used the expression self-control to translate two different words from the original language. The first word, which is used by Paul in his list called the fruit of the Spirit, refers primarily to moderation or temperance in the gratification of our desires and appetites. A friend of mine who is a former teacher of Greek says it has the literal meaning of “inner strength” and refers to that strength of character that enables one to control his passions and desires.
The second word rendered self-control by the New International Version translators is a word that denotes soundness of mind or sound judgment. It is rendered sober or sensible by other translations. This word conveys the idea of allowing sound judgment to control our desires and appetites, our thoughts, emotions, and actions.
We can readily see that these two ideas complement one another in the biblical meaning of self-control. Sound judgment enables us to determine what we should do and how we should respond; inner strength provides the will to do it. Both sound judgment and inner strength are thus necessary for Spirit-directed self-control.
Sound judgment is critical to the exercise of self-control. It enables the godly person not only to distinguish good from evil but also to sort out the good and the best. Sound judgment enables us to determine the boundaries of moderation in our appetites, desires, and habits. Sound judgment helps us regulate our thoughts and keep our emotions under control.
But sound judgment alone is not enough to enable us to practice self-control. Inner strength is also essential. All too often we know very well what to do, but we do not do it. We allow feelings or desires to overrule our judgment.
Ultimately, self-control is the exercise of inner strength under the direction of sound judgment that enables us to do, think, and say the things that are pleasing to God.
Since the grace of self-control affects so many aspects of our lives, it is helpful to focus our study of it in three major areas: body, thoughts, and emotions.
HONOR GOD WITH YOUR BODY
“The LORD God made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground —trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food” (Genesis 2:9). God created man to enjoy sensuous pleasures; that is, things that are pleasant to our senses and bodily appetites. The trees of His creation were not only good for food but also pleasant to the eyes. There is no doubt that God intends that we enjoy the physical things of this life that He has so graciously provided. As Paul says in 1 Timothy 6:17, “God . . . richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment.”
But man in his sin has corrupted all of the natural blessings God has given. Because our desires have been corrupted, those things God intended for our use and enjoyment have a tendency to become our masters. Paul had to warn the Corinthian believers against this tendency when he said, “‘Everything is permissible for me’ —but I will not be mastered by anything” (1 Corinthians 6:12). The moderation resulting from self-control keeps permissible things from becoming masters of our bodies.
In the rather short letter in which Paul instructs Titus in his pastoral duties among the Cretan Christians, Paul frequently refers to the grace of self-control. It is a requirement for elders; it is important for older men, younger men, older women, and younger women; it is in fact to be a characteristic of all believers. Why did Paul so stress this trait of self-control? Because the Cretans were “always liars, evil brutes, lazy gluttons” (Titus 1:12). They were demonstrably in need of the grace of self-control. Someone characterized as a lazy glutton certainly needs to learn self-control of the body.
Self-control of the body should be aimed primarily at three areas of physical temptation: gluttony (in both food and drink), laziness, and sexual immorality or impurity. Although drunkenness is a widespread sin in the non-Christian culture of today, I do not detect that it is a major problem among Christians. But gluttony surely is. Most of us have a tendency to overindulge in the food God has so graciously provided for us. We allow the sensual part of our God-given appetite to rage out of control and lead us into sin. We need to remember that even our eating and drinking is to be done to the glory of God (see 1 Corinthians 10:31).
What about laziness? Most of us would no doubt assent to the widespread need for self-control with respect to food and drink among Christians today. But laziness? I suspect we don’t particularly think of ourselves collectively as a lazy people like those Cretan Christians. We work hard at our jobs, keep our houses painted and our lawns trimmed. Can we have a problem with laziness?
To answer that question, let’s look at an incident in the life of Jesus. Mark records that “very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed” (1:35). That Jesus got up to pray while it was still dark is challenging enough, but note what had happened the night before. Mark tells us that on the previous evening after sunset, the people brought to Jesus all the sick and demon-possessed to be healed; the whole town, in fact, gathered at the door (verses 32-34). Jesus was probably quite weary at the end of that evening.
Now, you and I, under those circumstances, would have tended to sleep in the following morning, feeling that after such a full evening of ministry we deserved a rest and a little pampering. But not Jesus. He knew the importance of getting that time of fellowship with His Father, and He disciplined His physical body in order to do it.
I suspect that the number of Christians who have a consistent, productive time of fellowship with God each day is a very small minority. For some, such a time is nonexistent; for others, it is sporadic at best. This is because we tend to be lazy in body and undisciplined in the use of our time.
There are other Christians who have learned the self-control of getting up in the morning to have fellowship with God but who haven’t learned the self-control of caring for their bodies. Some are abusing their bodies through a constant lack of needed rest and recreation; others are allowing their bodies to become soft and flabby through no exercise at all. Both groups need to learn godly self-control of their bodies.
Sexual self-control belongs to both the body and the mind. There was a time, a generation or so ago, when we would hardly have felt it necessary to exhort Christians to exercise self-control in the area of sexual immorality. Control of impure thoughts, yes; but even the more moral segment of non-Christian society condemned the actual physical acts of immorality. This situation no longer exists. Authorities in our social and psychological areas today are telling us that premarital or extramarital sexual activity is okay as long as it is not emotionally harmful.
Many Christians, unfortunately, are falling prey to such thinking. Immorality among both single and married people is becoming a major concern in the Christian community. The need for sexual self-control among Christians has probably never been greater since the rise of the first-century Gentile church out of gross paganism.
God’s standard for sexual self-control is absolute abstinence outside of the marriage relationship. If, as Kehl suggests, self-control is the ability to stay within reasonable bounds, then we must realize that God’s boundary for sexual activity is limited strictly to marriage. As Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” Paul’s words to the Thessalonian believers also leave no room for compromise on this point: “It is God’s will that you should be holy; that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God” (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5).
The Christian must exercise self-control not only in the area of sexual activity but also in the area of impure thoughts, lustful looks, and suggestive speech. Jesus said, “I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). A lustful look quickly becomes an impure thought. If acts of immorality are becoming a problem among Christians, the thoughts of immorality are a much greater problem. Sexual lust lies latent in the heart of every Christian. Even righteous Job found it necessary to deal decisively with this temptation; he made a covenant with his eyes not to look lustfully at a girl (see 31:1). If Job found it necessary to make this kind of commitment in the day in which he lived, how much more do we need it in today’s society —where sexual lust is exploited even to advertise spark plugs!
The subject of control of our bodies, then, especially in the area of sexual purity, leads naturally to a second area of self-control: our thoughts.
TAKE CAPTIVE EVERY THOUGHT
Paul said, “We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5). Although the immediate context indicates that he was referring to the thoughts of his opponents at Corinth, it still remains a worthy objective for the control of our own thoughts. Self-control of our thoughts means entertaining in our minds only those thoughts that are acceptable to God.
The best guideline for evaluating the control of our thoughts is that given by Paul in Philippians 4:8: “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable —if anything is excellent or praiseworthy —think about such things.” Self-control of our thoughts, then, is more than just refusing to admit sinful thoughts —such as lust, greed, envy, or selfish ambition —into our minds. Controlling our thoughts also includes focusing our minds on that which is good and pleasing to God.
Solomon warned us, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23). The meaning of the Hebrew word for “heart” generally refers to our entire conscious person —understanding, emotions, conscience, and will; the warning is particularly applicable, however, to our thought life. It is in our thought life that our emotions and actions begin and that sinful desires plant their roots and entice us into sin.
Our minds are mental greenhouses where unlawful thoughts, once planted, are nurtured and watered before being transplanted into the real world of unlawful actions. People seldom fall suddenly into gluttony or immorality. These actions are savored in the mind long before they are enjoyed in reality. The thought life, then, is our first line of defense in the battle of self-control.
The gates to our thought lives are primarily our eyes and our ears. What we see or read or hear largely determines what we think. Memory, of course, also plays a big part in what we think, but our memories store and feed back only what originally comes into our minds through our eyes and ears. Guarding our hearts begins with guarding our eyes and ears. We must not allow that which panders to sexual lust, greed (called materialism in our present society), envy, and selfish ambition to enter our minds. We should avoid television programs, magazine or newspaper articles, advertisements, and conversations that arouse such thoughts. We should not only avoid them but also, to use Paul’s words to Timothy, “flee from all this” (1 Timothy 6:11). It is well worth noting that in both of his letters to Timothy, Paul felt it prudent to warn Timothy to flee temptation. Although Timothy was a godly leader, he was not exempt from the necessity of exercising self-control.
Solomon said to guard; Paul said to flee. Both verbs convey a much stronger reaction to temptation than most Christians practice. Instead of guarding the gates of our minds, we actually open them to the flood of ungodly material coming to us through television, newspapers and magazines, and the world’s conversations that often surround us. Instead of fleeing from temptations, we too often indulge them in our thoughts.
We allow in our minds what we would not allow in our actions, because other people cannot see our thoughts. But God sees them. David said, “You perceive my thoughts from afar,” and “Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD” (Psalm 139:2,4). The Christian who fears God controls his thoughts —not because of what other people think but because of what God thinks. He prays, “May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer” (Psalm 19:14, emphasis added).
The television and printed media are not the only culprits in leading our thoughts astray. Paul’s checklist for controlled thoughts in Philippians 4:8 includes such requirements as “true” and “noble” as well as “pure.” A Christian may not be particularly bothered with impure thoughts but may be tempted to entertain those that are not true or noble. Listening to such things as gossip, slander, or criticism about others needs to be rejected just as strongly as the tendency to pass them over our tongues.
It is impossible to listen in a condoning manner to gossip or criticism about someone else and then think only thoughts that are true and noble about that person. And if we guard our thoughts we will more easily guard our tongues, for Jesus said, “Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks” (Matthew 12:34).
CURBING OUR EMOTIONS
The emotions that need to be controlled include anger and rage (the so-called “hot temper”), resentment, self-pity, and bitterness. The feelings may be explosive, as in the case of an uncontrolled temper, or they may be only simmering, as in the case of self-pity. But in either case, these emotions are displeasing to God and need to be included in our efforts to exercise self-control.
An uncontrolled temper is a contradiction in the life of a person who is seeking to practice godliness. Outbursts of temper are harmful not only because they release our own ungoverned, sinful passions but more importantly because they wound those who are the recipients of such outbursts. In this respect, temper is a unique challenge in the area of self-control. Ungoverned thoughts and other emotions are sins within our own minds; they harm only ourselves, unless of course they lead to sinful words or actions. But an uncontrolled temper damages the self-respect of others, creates bitterness, and destroys relationships.
We are of course talking here about an uncontrolled temper. Many believers by temperament have a tendency to lash out at those who incur their displeasure in some way, but the godly person has learned to control this tendency.
Solomon said, “Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city” (Proverbs 16:32). To have a temper that requires control is not a mark of ungodliness; to fail to control it is. To succeed, by God’s grace, in controlling an unruly temper is to demonstrate godly self-control.
Someone has said of Proverbs 16:32, “Note what price the Holy Spirit puts on a curbed temper; it is more to be sought than a decisive victory in war.” Charles Bridges has commented, “The taking of a city is child’s play, compared with this wrestling. . . .That is only the battle of a day. This, the weary, unceasing conflict of a life.”[31] The person who painfully struggles, often with failure, to control his temper should take to heart God’s evaluation of this struggle and be willing to pay the price necessary to succeed in it.
Although not as harmful to others, other uncontrolled emotions such as resentment, bitterness, and self-pity may be more destructive to ourselves and to our relationship to God. Uncontrolled temper is soon dissipated on others. Resentment, bitterness, and self-pity build up inside our hearts and eat away at our spiritual lives like a slowly spreading cancer.
All of these sinful inner emotions have in common a focus on self. They put our disappointments, our wounded pride, or our shattered dreams on the thrones of our hearts, where they become idols to us. We nurture resentment and bitterness, and we wallow in self-pity. Intellectually we know that in all things God works for our good, that nothing can separate us from His love. But in defiance of those God-given promises, we choose to think about that which is dishonoring to God and destructive of our own spiritual health.
Just as the apostle Paul beat his body (figuratively speaking, of course), so we must subdue our sinful emotions. We must deal decisively with them at their first appearance in our thoughts. Keeping a tight rein on our emotions is just as necessary to godliness as keeping the appetites and desires of our bodies under control.
BREAKING THE CHAINS OF SELF-INDULGENCE
The emphasis in the struggle for self-control should be on the word growing. We will never fully attain self-control in all areas in this life. Furthermore, we must realize that the battle of self-control is different for each of us. One person may have no problem at all with bodily self-control, but he may struggle with thoughts of spiritual pride. Another may never be bothered with impure thoughts but may indulge his emotions in resentment or in self-pity. As we are tempted to judge others for their lack of self-control in areas where we have no problems, let us remember our own areas of struggle and be charitable in our opinions.
Sound judgment is the beginning of self-control, and the Bible is absolutely essential to its exercise. Sound judgment must be based on a thorough knowledge of God’s standard, as revealed in the Scriptures, for our bodies, thoughts, and emotions. Years ago when I first began to grow as a Christian I read the quotation, “God’s Word will keep you from sin, or sin will keep you from God’s Word.” This is not simply a cliché, nor is the Bible some magical wand to wave at temptation. It is sound judgment, growing out of reflection on the Word of God, that warns us when the enemy of sinful desire is assailing the citadel of our hearts.
Sound judgment also enables us to form an accurate estimate of our particular needs in the area of self-control. Paul’s admonition, “Think of yourself with sober judgment” (Romans 12:3), is good advice not only for assessing our spiritual gifts but also for assessing our spiritual needs. Proverbs 27:12 says, “The prudent see danger and take refuge.” Spiritual prudence requires that we know ourselves —our particular weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Only as we study both the Scriptures and ourselves will we be able to exercise sound judgment.
Next, we must face the issue of whether we are truly willing to give up enjoying the fleeting pleasures of sin in return for knowing that our lives are pleasing to God. Kehl points out, “The beginning of self-mastery is to be mastered by Christ, to yield to his lordship. ‘Wouldst thou have thy flesh obey thy spirit?’ Augustine asked. ‘Then let thy spirit obey thy God. Thou must be governed, that thou may’st govern.’”[32] Are you willing to acknowledge Jesus Christ as Lord of your appetites and desires, of your thoughts and emotions? If self-control begins with sound judgment, it must be carried forward by surrender to the authority of Christ in every area of our lives.
Then we must realize that the battle for self-control is fought primarily within our own minds; it is a battle with our own passions, thoughts, and desires. In those areas where we have failed to curb our appetites and emotions, we seem to have invisible antennae sensitively attuned to the corresponding temptations. The proverbial “chip on his shoulder” describes the person whose antenna is constantly searching for the minor incident that he can magnify into an occasion for losing his temper. The person who habitually yields to some bodily appetite or lust is constantly alert for opportunities to indulge that carnal desire. We must learn to say no to those passions when they first enter our minds.
Above all, we must pray for the inner strength of will necessary to curb our passions and desires. It is God who works in us to will and to act. Our own particular areas of vulnerability must be made the subject of earnest, beseeching prayer for God’s grace to work in our wills. At the same time we must realize that the will is strengthened by obedience. The more we say no to sinful desires, the more we will be able to say no. But to experience this, we must persevere through many failures. A large part of learning self-control is breaking bad habits and replacing them with good ones. And this process always involves a certain amount of failure.
Finally, as Kehl points out, “True spiritual self-discipline holds believers in bounds but never in bonds; its effect is to enlarge, expand and liberate.”[33] James describes the word of God as “the perfect law that gives freedom” (1:25). As we grow in the grace of self-control, we will experience the liberation of those who, under the guidance and grace of the Holy Spirit, are freed from the shackles of self-indulgence and are brought into the freedom of true spiritual discipline.