8. What should I look for when I go into myself? .... ........ 13 (continued)
8. What should I look for when I go into myself?
Augustine counsels us to seek a light both within us and beyond us.
Where God is there is peace. With this in mind, Augustine counsels seeking such peace, which he beautifully calls "the Sabbath of the heart. For it listens to God, who promises great things, and if it labors in the present, it expands in hope of the future, where the clouds of sadness are brightened; as the apostle says, rejoice in hope (Rom. 12:12). And that very joy in the tranquility of our hope is our
More than merely counsel it, he leads the way:
"Thus being admonished to return to myself, I did enter into my interior self, led on by you. Indeed, I could do so, because you became my helper. And I entered. With the eye of my soul (such as it was) I saw above the very eye of my soul, beyond my mind, Light unchangeable. Not that mundane light, which all things corporal can see, but one of the same kind yet stronger still, almost as though its splendor could have been yet stronger, enough to fill all things with its greatness. Such was not like that light, but different, indeed, quite different from all such as those. Nor was it above my mind as oil is above water. Neither was it as heaven is above earth. It was, nonetheless, above because it created me. And I, having been made by it, stand below it."21
9. What do I need to discover this Light?
Love. "He who knows the truth, knows what that light is; and he who knows it, knows eternity. Love knows it. 0 Truth eternal and true love and beloved eternity, you are my God, for you I long night and day. When I first knew you, you lifted me up in order to see, yet I was not yet capable. You repelled the infirmity of my vision, forcefully streaming forth beams of your light upon me that I trembled with love and awe. I sensed that I was far removed from you, away in the region of unlikeness. And I seemed to hear a voice from on high: `I am the food for grown men. Grow and you shall feed on me. But you shall not transform me, as you do with your food, but you will be transformed into me.' " 22
10. So our prayer is a search for a transcendent and yet immanent God?
God is he who is most remote and most present;23 most high yet closest; 24 more intimate than my most intimate part and higher than the highest part of me; 25 internal and external; 6 "Without interruption or occupying space, with his immutable and exalted power, God is the most interior of all things, because all things exist in him. Further, he is the most external thing, because he is above them all. Thus ... with his immutable eternity he is the oldest of all things and the first of all things; he is the newest, because he comes after them all."27
"Too late have I loved you, 0 Beauty of ancient days yet ever new. Too late have I loved you. For while you were within, I was away, yet all the while I sought you. Deformed, I cast myself among those beautiful forms you had made. You were with me, but I was not with you. Such things kept me far from you, which, unless they were in you, did not exist at all."28
11. If God is transcendent and immanent, why are we enjoined to go into our private room and, with the door shut, pray to our Father who is in a secret place? (cf. Matt. 6:6)
"With full voice I cry to the Lord; with full voice I beseech the Lord (Ps. 142:2). What does it mean to pour out supplications before him? What is `before him'? (What is) in his sight. But what is `in His sight'? Wherever he can see. But where does he not see? Do we not say, `wherever he can see' as if there were somewhere where he could not see? ... He sees where man does not see. No man sees your thoughts, but God does. So pour out your prayer where God alone sees, he who repays all. For the Lord Jesus Christ enjoined you to pray in private. But if you know what `your private room' is and clean it, then pray to God there. And when you pray, go into your private room and, when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in that secret place, and your Father who sees all that is done in secret will reward you. If men are to reward you, pour out your prayer before men. If God is to reward you, pour out your prayer before him; and close the door, lest the tempter enter.""
12. But what does it mean to "shut the door"?
St. Augustine makes of the "door" the human heart, where man is alone with God. But to be alone with God in the sanctuary of the human heart, certain preparatory steps must be taken to ensure an authentic encounter with him. "Cast out of your heart all sordid desires ... greed ... superstitions, blasphemies, and evil thoughts. Throw away your resentment - not only those you harbor toward your friends but those for your enemy, too. Take away all those things, then enter into your heart, and there you will find joy. And when you have thus rejoiced, the very purity of your heart will delight you and impel you to pray ... Enter, purify everything, lift your eyes to the Lord, and he will hear you."30 There, the man of prayer "goes into himself and turns toward the Father, finding in him the safest refuge ... He is freed of himself in order to be united to God.""
Augustine speaks of his own experience of entering and shutting in order to be alone with God: "You were before me, yet I had distanced myself from myself and could not find myself - much less could I find you."32 "Admonished by those writings to turn inward I entered into my inward self under your guidance. I was able to because you had become my Helper. I did enter and with eye of my soul - as murky as it was - and saw above the eye of my soul, above my mind, the Unchangeable Light."33
13. Does this mean that beyond going into a private room, we are that private room? In other words, we are the temples where God is to be found?
"It is clear to us, although we went outward, we were meant to go inward. If only I could find that you said it was to be upon some high and lonely mountain! Since God is on high, I think that he hears me from the heights. Just because you are on a mountain, do you think yourself to be closer to God? Or that he hears you better because you call him from the closest place ... ? Do you seek a mountain? Descend that he may come closer to you. Or do you choose to ascend? Go up, but not by seeking a mountain. The heights, it is said, are in his heart, in the valley of weeping. The valley is humility. Therefore, carry out everything interiorly. Even though you seek some high place, a holy place, make of yourself an earthly temple of God. For the temple of God is holy, and you are that temple. Do you want to pray in a temple? Pray within yourself. Be first a temple of God, because he hears him who prays in his temple."34