Chapter Eighteen: Envy, Jealousy, and Related Sins
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Envy, Jealousy, and Related Sins
I recently learned that a friend who has written about as many books as I have receives frequent requests for speaking engagements from all over the world. When I heard that, I thought to myself, I have written as many books as she has. Why don’t I receive those kinds of invitations? I was tempted, though only briefly, to be envious of her.
Envy is the painful and oftentimes resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by someone else. Sometimes we want that same advantage, leading to the further sin of covetousness. And sometimes we just resent the other person having something we don’t have. But we don’t just envy people in general. Usually, there are two conditions that tempt us to envy. First, we tend to envy those with whom we most closely identify. Second, we tend to envy in them the areas we value most.
My friend meets both of these criteria. We both labor in the same arena — teaching and writing, which is an area of high value to me. We both have enjoyed some measure of blessing on our work, but neither of us has become what I would call a “high profile” writer or teacher. So I identify with her as a fellow writer and teacher of more or less equal standing in an area that I highly value.
What, then, prompted the temptation to envy? It was that she was enjoying an advantage I didn’t have. She is getting all these international speaking invitations, while I receive almost none. The irony is that I don’t enjoy overseas travel. I don’t like the long flights or going through immigration or dealing with foreign currency or being among people whose language I don’t understand. So why was I tempted to envy my friend? It was because she was getting more recognition than I was. Do you see how subtle the temptation to envy can be?
I am never tempted to envy musicians or artists or highly successful business and professional people. I may admire some of them, but I don’t envy them. Their talents and expertise are completely different from mine, so I don’t tend to compare myself with them. And even within the areas of teaching and writing, there are so many who are obviously much more gifted than I am that envy of them is not an issue for me. They work in the area of high value for me, but they are so far beyond me that I cannot identify with them.
Consider a young baseball player in the minor leagues hoping to someday make it to the majors. He doesn’t envy the major league stars. They are out of his league. But he might envy a fellow team member who is moving up faster than he is, especially if he believes the other player is receiving favor from the team manager. An insurance salesman is not likely to envy a professional athlete who earns a multimillion-dollar salary. But he may well envy another salesman who sells more insurance than he does. A pastor of a small- or medium-size church is not likely to envy the mega-church pastor. But he may be tempted to envy the pastor down the street whose church is growing more than his. The reason we are tempted to envy in these situations is that there are enough things alike that the differences tend to strike us in the face.
Parents may envy other parents whose children are better students or athletes or, if adults, have better jobs. We may envy friends who have a nicer home or drive a more expensive car. The possibilities for envy are endless. Whenever we compare ourselves with anyone whose circumstances seem better than ours, we face the temptation to envy him or her. We may not even want the better circumstances of our neighbor or friend; we just resent their having them. But when we are tempted to envy, we should realize that envy, though it may be a subtle and seemingly minor sin to us, is listed among the vile sins that Paul catalogues in Romans 1:29 and Galatians 5:21.
JEALOUSY
Closely akin to envy is the sin of jealousy. In fact, we often equate these two words and treat them as synonyms. But there is a subtle distinction between them that will again help us see the sinfulness of our hearts. Jealousy is usually defined as intolerance of rivalry. There are legitimate occasions for jealousy, such as when someone is trying to win your spouse away from you. God even declares Himself to be a jealous God who will not tolerate the worship of anyone or anything other than Himself (see Exodus 20:5). Sinful jealousy occurs, however, when we are afraid someone is going to become equal to or even superior to us.
There are several illustrations of jealousy in the Bible to help us see what it looks like. In the early days of the church when the Jewish authorities still had the upper hand, Luke tells us that the high priests and the Sadducees were filled with jealousy toward the apostles because more and more Jews were turning to Christ (see Acts 5:17-18). Later, during Paul’s ministry, Luke records that the Jews of Antioch of Pisidia were jealous of Paul and Barnabas because great crowds were gathering around them to hear Paul preach (see Acts 13:44-45). The classic illustration in the Bible of sinful jealousy is that of King Saul’s jealousy of David. After David slew Goliath, the women of Israel sang, “Saul has struck down his thousands, and David his ten thousands” (1 Samuel 18:7). Saul became angry because they ascribed more honor to David than him. From that time onward, he regarded David as a rival and was jealous of him.
We, too, can be jealous if we have been blessed of God in some area of life or ministry and then someone comes along whose performance or results are superior to ours. Let’s assume that Ben, a car salesman, has been quite successful and has been the top salesperson at his dealership for three years. But then a new salesperson comes along who rapidly overtakes Ben. He begins to receive the recognition and awards that formerly went to Ben. Very likely, Ben will now be tempted to become jealous.
Ben’s situation happens all the time. There always seems to be a younger person coming along who is smarter or more talented or more gifted than we are. When that happens, many of us experience jealousy. We don’t want someone else to experience the success or blessing of God that we have experienced.
How, then, can we deal with the temptation to envy or to become jealous? First of all, we can, as in so many other areas of subtle sins, turn to the sovereignty of God. We must recognize that it is God who sovereignly gives us our talents, abilities, and spiritual gifts. If we are to successfully combat the temptations to envy and jealousy, we must mentally bring God into the picture. We must remind ourselves that He determines not only what abilities we have but also the degree of those abilities and the blessing He will bestow on their use. It’s obvious as we look around that some are better car salesmen than others. Some are more gifted pastors. Some men are more talented in working with their hands in the building and mechanical trades. Not only are there differing talents and gifts but also there is a widespread diversity in God’s blessing on those gifts. All this is from God, who makes poor and makes rich, who brings low and exalts (see 1 Samuel 2:7). It is God who puts down one and exalts another (see Psalm 75:7). We must recognize that to be envious or jealous of someone is either eliminating God from the picture or else accusing Him of being unfair.
A second weapon against the temptation to envy or become jealous is to remember that all of us who are believers are “one body in Christ and individually members one of another,” or as the NIV translates it, “Each member belongs to all the others” (Romans 12:5). Therefore, Paul says to us, “Outdo one another in showing honor” (verse 10). Instead of being envious of those who have some advantage over us or being jealous of those who may be overtaking us in some way, we should honor and applaud them, for we are all members of the same body in Christ.
Third, we should realize that if we spend emotional energy on envy or jealousy, we lose sight of what God might do uniquely in our lives. To use athletic metaphors, there is no such thing as being second- or third-stringer on the team or sitting on the bench while others play the game. No, God has a place and an assignment for each of us that He wants us to fill. Admittedly, some assignments garner more human recognition than others, but all are important in the plan of God.
COMPETITIVENESS
Closely allied with envy and jealousy is the spirit of competitiveness — the urge to always win or be the top person in whatever our field of endeavor is. The competitive urge begins at an early age. Young children can become quite upset or angry when they don’t win a simple children’s game. But it isn’t just children who have a problem. I’ve seen grown men who were in other respects exemplary Christians lose their temper when they lost or their son’s team lost a ball game. Competitiveness is basically an expression of selfishness. It’s the urge to win at someone else’s expense. It is certainly not loving our neighbor as ourselves.
I realize I’m questioning a “sacred cow” in our culture, because we have elevated competitiveness to a virtue. We teach children directly and by example that it is good to be competitive, that this is the way one gets ahead in the world.
I question, however, whether a competitive spirit is a Christian virtue. I believe the scriptural emphasis is on the virtue of doing one’s best (see, for example, 2 Timothy 2:15). In our work, we are to work heartily (see Colossians 3:23), which is another way of saying, “Do your best.” But, of course, “our best” is not the same for everyone. Some have been blessed with greater skills or intelligence or spiritual giftedness. And of course always seeking to do our best should be motivated by a desire to glorify God, not win recognition for ourselves. The recognition may come, but it should not be our motivation.
Therefore, Ben the car salesman should concentrate on doing his best to sell cars in a God-honoring way. If his best makes him the top salesman in the dealership, he should not be proud but grateful to God for giving him the ability. If his best puts him third or fourth or whatever in the ranking of salesmen, he can take solace in the fact that he did his best.
Someone may argue that Paul tacitly endorsed competitiveness in 1 Corinthians 9:24: “Do you not know that in a race all the runners compete, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it.” But the analogy breaks down at the point of the prize. In a race, only one runner wins and receives the prize. But in the Christian life, we may all receive the prize. Paul is not urging us to compete with one another. Rather, he is saying, “Run the Christian race with the same intensity that the runners run who are competing for the one prize.”
Let me clarify that I’m not writing against friendly competition but against the competitive spirit that always has to win or be the best. Actually, I believe that healthy competition is good, especially for children and high schoolers, as it can provide an arena in which they can seek to do their best. And this kind of competition is not limited to sports. There is competition at science fairs or among bands or at spelling bees. But in whatever competition, the question the child or teenager and their parents should ask is not “Did we win?” but “Did we do our best?”
You can see now that there is a close relationship between envy, jealousy, and competitiveness. We tend to envy a peer who is ahead of us in an area we value highly. We become jealous of a person who is overtaking us. And both of these foster a competitive spirit that says, “I must always win or be number one.” All of these attitudes are the result of ungodly selfishness, of thinking only of ourselves.
CONTROLLING
Envy, jealousy, and competitiveness all may be grouped under one word: rivalry. Instead of viewing each other as fellow members of the body of Christ, we can easily slip into the attitude of viewing them as rivals we are competing against. There is one more subtle sin that we may include in this group. That is the sin of seeking to control others to our advantage or to get what we want.
I once asked a pastor about the source of friction between a couple in his church. Without hesitation, he replied, “She wants to control everything. She always wants to get her way.” In using this illustration, I’m not singling out women as the always-guilty ones. Men and women both are apt to be controllers. In most ongoing interpersonal relationships, there is one who usually has the stronger or more dominant personality. And if that person is not watchful, he or she can control the relationship. This is true not only in a marriage but in any situation where two or more people are working or playing closely together. You see it in children as they play games. Often one wants to make all the decisions and will get angry if he doesn’t get his way.
I have seen this controller mindset at work in a local church where one strong-willed musician continually “fought” the decisions of the church music director. This type of situation is not unique. A friend recently told me of a similar situation at his church. I have another friend, a former pastor and now a missionary, who resigned a pastorate after only six months because one strong-willed family always wanted things done their way. I have even observed it in student ministries at university campuses.
The controller will seek to get his or her way using various methods. One way is to completely dominate a relationship by sheer force of willpower so that the other person (or persons) always gives in and lets him get his way. Another is to get angry when his decisions are questioned or his desires are not readily granted. Often when the controller-type person doesn’t easily get his way, he will resort to manipulation to achieve that end. This may be done in a way designed to make the other person feel guilty or incompetent. The controlling husband may say something such as “Why is dinner never on time?” when the actual fact is that dinner usually is on time. The manipulative wife might say, “You are just like my father” (because her father wouldn’t always let her get her way). In the instance of the musician who wanted to control the church music, the person resorted to character assassination against the music director.
Obviously, the controller wants to get his own way. Instead of submitting to each other (see Ephesians 5:21), there is the urge to control one another. This obviously springs from selfishness. The difficulty in addressing this sin is that the controller is the last one to recognize this tendency in his life.
Since we all still have the flesh waging its guerilla warfare in us, we still have blind spots of sin — especially subtle sin — in our lives. We need the convicting power of the Holy Spirit, and we need the help of others to see those blind spots. So I urge you to ask God to help you see tendencies toward envy or jealousy or competitiveness or controlling others. Ask those closest to you to give you honest feedback. If you are a controller-type person, you may find they are reluctant to do that because of your past behavior. So you must demonstrate a true humility in asking them. Then, instead of becoming defensive — or using it against them — when they are honest with you, wisely accept what they say and take it to God to help you.
I once confronted a controller-type person in our ministry about this tendency in his life (actually, I think I was the third person to do so). Instead of hearing me, he got visibly upset and severed our relationship. He carefully avoided me from that time onward. I have not seen him in some years. But the last I heard of him, he still had the problem. He refused to face his sin.
Don’t be like that. Don’t go through life harboring envy or jealousy or always having to win or get your way. Remember, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble” (1 Peter 5:5). Don’t place yourself in the position of being opposed by God.