5 Identity
Principle: If you are not resting as a parent in your identity in Christ, you will look for identity in your children.
Few parents think about it and almost none are aware that they do it every single day. Your parenting is always shaped by where you look for identity. This may seem like the most impractical suggestion you’ve ever read in a parenting book, but what this chapter is about explains much of the struggle we all experience as we seek to parent our children. It explains why our children have a profound ability to hurt us. It defines why they can make us so angry. It helps you understand how your children have the ability to steal your joy and rob you of your sleep. It explains why you take the success or failure of your children so personally. It defines why your children have the ability to make you feel hugely proud or deeply embarrassed. No matter how much you love your children, the things I have just described are not love struggles; they are identity struggles, and when you get a hold of this, it will change how you see yourself as a parent and how you daily interact with your children.
Sally put her whole life on hold for one purpose and one purpose alone: to make something of her children. She read long books to them before they could talk and had them in music school when kindergarten was still a few years off. Once her children were in school, she not only demanded academic excellence for them, but she chose a variety of extracurricular activities that they were required to participate in, because she thought they would prepare her children for a successful future. Between school and all the other required involvements, Sally’s children had almost no time to themselves. Even the weekends were filled with trips to the museum, the symphony’s matinee performances, and community service projects. Sally was committed to her dream of lavishly successful children, so not only was she driven and unrelenting, but she drove them too.
I met Sally’s son, Jamie, because Sally reached out to me for help with him. His grades at school began to fall, and he had missed showing up for some of his regularly scheduled responsibilities. Sally had begun to worry, but it all came to a head one morning when Jamie refused to leave his room, refused to go to school, and said he had no plans to ever touch his violin again. This kicked off an ugly two-hour battle between Jamie and Sally. Finally, he went to school, but when she went to pick him up for his music lesson, he was nowhere to be found and didn’t show up at home until ten o’clock that night.
Sally saw the dream that she had worked for all those years slipping through her fingers, and she was in a panic. She called me and said that Jamie was out of control, that he would not talk to her, and that she needed help fast. Two days later I met with Sally and Jamie for the first time. I want to describe to you what the two people looked like who sat in front of me that day. Sally was clearly angry and impatient; she fidgeted and sighed. Jamie look like a beaten and defeated young man; he sat with his head down as if he were facing his execution. I tried my best to interview Sally as to what was going on, but she resisted and told me that she didn’t know why I was wasting time talking to her and that it was Jamie who needed the help. She said more than once, “I have worked too hard for too long to throw it all away because my son woke up one morning and decided he wanted to be lazy. I need you to help me get the old Jamie back.”
So I asked Sally to leave for a few minutes so I could talk to Jamie alone. She wasn’t happy leaving, but she did. The first question I asked Jamie when we were alone together was what was going on. I wanted it to be open-ended. I didn’t want him to think I was his mother’s hired gun, although my heart went out to her. As soon as the question had come out of my mouth, Jamie began to cry. He was embarrassed that he was crying, but I assured him it was okay. Quietly, but with the fatalistic anger of a broken young man, he said, “I can’t do it anymore, I just can’t. It’s never enough. The pressure never stops. I have no free time, I have no friends, I have no choices, all I have is work from the moment I get up in the morning until I crash in bed. I practice two hours before school, I have writing classes, music lessons, and college prep after school, and then homework and two more hours of practicing before I hit the bed. And, oh, I forgot, I am required to participate in at least one sport each quarter. I’m not Superman. I just can’t do it anymore, so I told my mom that I quit, I wouldn’t do it anymore. I haven’t been to school and all my other stuff for a few days because I have refused to get out of bed and when I finally get out of bed, I won’t leave my room. If I had some place to run to, I would run, but I don’t.”
As I listened to Jamie, I knew this wasn’t a ploy. He wasn’t just messing with his mom. I knew Jamie meant what he was saying. He had gotten off the success train, and there was nothing that would get him back on again. But there was something else I knew. I knew that I needed to talk to his mom because I knew this mess wasn’t just about Jamie being rebellious and lazy. It was about her too, about heart issues for her that were deep and would be hard for her to accept.
Ask yourself: “What is going on when a parent drives a child to mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion, to the point where the child is willing to throw his or her life away to escape the demands? What is going on inside parents when they are with their child every day, yet they don’t see that something is wrong, they don’t notice the breakdown as it’s happening? What is going on when the child is not allowed to stop because the parent can’t face what it will mean if the child stops? What is going on in the heart of a parent who is more focused on success than on the child who is required to deliver it?”
I invited Sally back in and told her how concerned I was for Jamie, and then I told her that I would like to counsel not only Jamie, but her as well. As I said it, I could see her posture stiffen. “I didn’t come here for counsel. I think I’m doing quite well, given the burdens of parenting I’m bearing.” I tried to kindly tell her that I didn’t think it would work to talk to Jamie without talking to her as well. She could hear only that I was taking Jamie’s part, and she told me that I wouldn’t be talking to either her or Jamie. Obviously offended, she left quickly.
I wish I could tell you that Sally and Jamie’s story is unique, but it’s not. I think there are thousands and thousands of parents who are doing what Sally did with Jamie. It’s not because they’re unkind, unloving, or abusive. It’s not because they don’t care what happens to their children. I am about to say something that will confuse you. I’m convinced this success-driven system of unrelenting rules, performances, and obligations exists because these parents care too much about the present and future success of their children. The desire for successful children is a good thing that has become a bad thing because it’s become a ruling thing. It causes parents to do things that ultimately crush and embitter their children, all in the name of something good. Read on and let me clear up any confusion.
Human beings were designed to be interpreters. We were created to be rational. We were made to be always thinking. Our thoughts always precede and therefore shape and direct our activity. No action that we take, no choice that we make, and none of the words that we say are in a vacuum. All our actions and reactions are connected to who we think we are, who we think God is, what we think life is about, what we think is important, where we go to find help, and what we look to in order to give us peace, rest, and security. At street level, we don’t really live based on the facts of our existence, but based on the sense that we are making out of those facts. That’s why you can have two people in the very same situation who respond in very different ways to the same set of facts. Your belief system or your worldview is always being exposed by how you parent those who have been entrusted to your care. You don’t respond as a parent because of who your children are and because of what they’re doing, but because of the way you make sense out of who they are and what you’re doing.
Here are a couple examples. If you say to your child, “I can’t believe you would do this to me!” you are not responding to the facts of the situation, but to your interpretation of those facts. Your interpretation is that what your child has done, whether he acknowledges it or not, is a personal attack on you in some way. Or if you spend more time punishing your children for breaking the law than you do talking to your children about Jesus, who perfectly kept the law on their behalf because God knew they never would, your response is not shaped by the fact of their disobedience, but by the sense you are making of their disobedience and how it will change. It is important for all parents to examine the system of belief that shapes their moment-by-moment interactions with their children.
One of the central components of this personal system of belief is the question of identity and meaning and purpose. Every parent asks and in some way answers the “Who am I?” question, and every parent asks and answers the “Where is my meaning and purpose in life to be found?” question. And the way that you answer these questions will determine how you speak and act toward your kids. There are only two places for you and me to look for identity. One place to look is vertically, getting our identity and the direction and assessment of potential from God—from his love and acceptance, his forgiving grace, his constant presence, his power and his promises, and the glory of all of these that he’s showered down on us. When we do this, we come to parenting with hearts that are full and satisfied, we live with courage and hope, and we are not needy, because we have found all that we need in him. As Peter writes, “His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire” (2 Pet. 1:3–4).
Notice the period of time that the hope of this passage is addressing. Peter is not talking about salvation past or salvation future, but about the work of God for you right here, right now. As a Christian parent, no matter what is happening with your kids, you can wake up in the morning and know that you are deeply and faithfully loved by the most important person in the universe. Because God loves you, he hasn’t left you to your own wisdom, strength, and resources. Because he loves you, he will never forsake you in your parenting struggle. Because he loves you, he has connected you to things that are vastly bigger than you. Because he loves you, he not only forgives you, but he also gives you the grace to do better. Because he loves you, he works daily to grow and change you so that you are better able to do what he’s called you to do. Because he loves you, he works to satisfy your heart and fill you with joy that doesn’t depend on circumstances. He loves you so much that he has come to live inside you. He doesn’t just make promises to you; he is present with you in all his power, grace, and glory so that you can have peace of heart, purpose and direction, and courage to face your parenting day.
If you are not resting in your vertical identity, you will look horizontally, searching to find yourself and your reason for living in something in the creation. That could be your possessions, your accomplishments, your career, your spouse, your children, and the list goes on. The problem with this is that created things were never designed to give you identity. They were never designed to satisfy your heart and give you peace. They were not made to give you meaning and purpose. Every good thing in creation is designed to point you to the One who alone is able to give you the identity, peace, and meaning that your heart seeks.
It never works to look to a broken, dysfunctional creation for identity. It always leads to disappointment, fear, anxiety, drivenness, and more control than any one of us will ever have (read 2 Pet. 1:8–9). Peter actually proposes that you can be a Christian and have a life that is “ineffective or unfruitful” because you have forgotten who you are and what you have been given. Sadly, I think this describes many parents. They are looking to get from their children what they have already been given in Christ, and they don’t know that they are doing it. And their anxiety and drivenness as a parent is the result of identity amnesia. Identity amnesia will always lead to identity replacement. What this means for a parent is that if you are not getting your identity from God and the work of his Son, you will probably try to get it from your children.
Now there are three things to say about trying to get your identity from your children. First, it is a very natural thing to do and a very hard thing to fight. In fact, probably every parent falls into this trap in some way. Second, parenting is a miserable place to look for identity. Think about it: you are parenting lost, rebellious, foolish, blind, self-ruling sinners. I’m not picking on your children. I have just described every fallen human being born into God’s world. Third, it is a crushing burden for your children to have to get up every morning and carry the heavy load of your identity and meaning and purpose and all the expectations and demands that flow from it. No child will carry that load well.
What I have just described is exactly what was happening to Sally and Jamie, and neither one of them knew it. Sally thought she was just being a good mom. But what she didn’t realize is that that system of unrelenting demands was not being done by Sally for Jamie, but by Sally for Sally. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think Sally was self-centered, “it’s all about me,” but she was looking for Jamie to give her a kind of meaning, purpose, and peace of heart that he could never give her. She looked to this fifteen-year-old boy to give her life worth, and he was breaking under the load. The result was that they were both miserable and in a war that neither of them understood or wanted to be in.
Don’t be too hard on Sally. In some way we all look for identity and security where it cannot be found. We all tend to try to get too much of our meaning and purpose from our children. We all tend to ride the up-and-down roller coaster of their compliance or resistance. We all tend to need them to be successful too much. And when we look to our children to give us what we already have in Jesus, we drive them to succeed not simply because we know it is best for them, but because we need their success to feel good about ourselves and to have a reason to get up in the morning and continue. We need their love and respect in order to feel good about our lives. We need them to look a certain way and act a certain way in order to feel that our work as a parent has been worth it. So although we love our kids, we don’t just bring love to our parenting of them, but neediness, which brings self-centeredness, an entitlement, a demandingness, and a drivenness to our parenting. Even though we don’t know it, we begin to treat our kids as if they were given to us to be a living argument or case statement for the fact that we are good people and are doing our job in life well. And perhaps the desire to raise children that we can be proud of is really a desire to feel good about ourselves and the way we have lived our life.
Parents, this is an exhausting and discouraging way to live. It is exhausting to need little, immature sinners to perform well in order to feel good about yourself and your life. It’s exhausting to chase success after success, never being fully satisfied. It’s discouraging to feed off the love of someone too immature to give it to you faithfully. It’s discouraging to personalize your children’s failures as if they were intentionally plotting against you. It’s exhausting to load your schedule with activity after activity until you have little free time left because you need your children to succeed. It’s discouraging to have to face the sin and struggle of your children when you need near perfection to feel it’s been worth it. It’s exhausting and discouraging to ask your kids to give you what they cannot give and for you to need so deeply what you have no power to produce. And as your children get older, they begin to realize that much of what you have been doing has not been for them, but for yourself.
Parents, your children can’t give you life. They can’t give you sturdy hope. They can’t give you worth. They can’t give you peace of heart. They can’t give you right desires and motivation. They can’t give you strength to go on. They can’t give you confidence and courage in the middle of a trial. And they can’t give you that ultimate, heart-satisfying love that you long for. I’m going to say it in a way that I hope will get your attention. It just never works to ask your children to be your own personal saviors. This is a burden they will never bear well, and it will introduce trouble and struggle into your relationship with them. Jesus is your life, and this frees you and your children from the burden of asking them to give you what your Savior has already given you.
Sally was growingly fearful, angry, and discouraged, and Jamie was exhausted and angry too. The more she demanded, the more he resisted. Her relationship with Jamie was disintegrating right before her eyes, but she did not see it and kept driving forward. It was all the sad result of looking to get her identity from a broken and immature young man who would never be able to deliver it to her. Parents, we can do better because of the presence, promises, and power of Jesus that have been lavished on us by grace.
So How Do You Know?
How do you know if you’re putting your identity on the shoulders of your children? How can you know if you are asking your kids to do for you what God has already done for you in his Son? What are the signs that your parenting is driven more by what you need from your children than by what God wants to do through you in your children? Here are five sure indications.
1. Too much focus on success. Of course, if you love your children, you are going to want them to do well. No parent wants her children to fail. You want your children to achieve and to be respected. All parents want their children to try harder and to accomplish more. But this is very different from becoming too focused, too obsessed, and too driven by the achievements of your children.
Could it be that you want your children to succeed too much because you need them to succeed? Could it be that your children are beginning to break under the heavy load of your expectations? Could it be that the resistance you are getting from your children is there not because they are rebellious and lazy, but because you are asking too much of them? Could it be that you are so focused on your children’s accomplishments that you have not paid enough attention to the condition of their hearts? Could it be that your focus on success as a parent is not spiritually healthy for you or your children because this focus is rooted in asking your children to give you that satisfaction of heart that they will never be able to give?
2. Too much concern about reputation. This cannot be repeated enough. Write down what you’re about to read and tape it to the mirror you look at as you begin each day: God didn’t give you your children to build your reputation but to publicly proclaim his. Vertical identity amnesia leaves us all too worried about what others think about us and what we are doing. It produces in many parents a fear of man that causes us to hide and deny our struggles and present to the world children who are more perfect than any of our children actually are. And when you are too concerned about your public face as a parent, you don’t seek the help you need in your struggle because in order to seek that help you have to admit that you’re not doing so well. It never works to treat a child, who is still broken and needs to be daily rescued by grace, as your trophy.
Could it be that your reputation as a parent means too much to you? Could it be that what others think of your children is too important to you? Could it be that you’re asking immature little sinners to go out and polish your reputation as a mom or dad? Could it be that your desire for reputation keeps you from admitting and seeking help for those places where your parenting is broken?
3. Too great a desire for control. If you need your children to succeed and enhance your reputation because, as a parent, you need the identity that comes from that, then you are going to want to control situations, locations, and people to make sure that happens. There is a significant difference between exercising proper parental authority over your children and a desire to exercise such control over their lives that you can be sure to get from them what you think you need. Under this system of control, children never have the freedom to make mistakes, to learn how to evaluate choices, to decide between options, to develop a reasonable schedule, to assess their potential, to recognize gifts, to discern when they are overcommitted, to learn how to leave time for a healthy relationship with God and others, and to see how good things become bad things when they become ruling things.
Could it be that your desire for success has caused you to exercise a level of control that actually is in the way of your child’s growth and development? Could it be that your anxiety as a parent comes from the fact that you are trying to exercise control over things you don’t have the power to control? Could it be that your quest for parenting control has kept you from resting in the perfectly wise control of your heavenly Father over you and your children?
4. Too much emphasis on doing rather than being. In our parental struggle with success, reputation, and control, we begin to lose sight of what is actually of greatest value to the One we represent. Think about this: God really did harness all the forces of the natural world and direct all the various events of human history so that his Son would come, and by his life and death, rescue us from us. God did this radical, life-altering thing not first so that your children would be successful, but so that they would be united again in a love relationship with him and live lives that are pleasing in his sight. What you and your children need most is not success; it’s redemption. What you and your children need is not the glory of personal achievement but rescue from your bondage to self-glory so that you can enjoy the freedom of living for the glory of another.
Could it be that the achievements that you want your children to produce have kept you from focusing on the things that they desperately need but cannot produce? Could it be that the focus on physical, social, and educational accomplishments has kept you from focusing on their hearts? Could it be that your focus on what you want them to do has put you in the way of what God alone can form your children to be? Could it be that what God values in your children is different from the values that drive your expectations of and responses to your children?
5. Too much temptation to make it personal. When you need your children to be successful, when you need them to build your reputation, and when you need to be in control, you will personalize what is not personal. In subtle ways the focus shifts from how their behavior is viewed by God to how it affects you. It becomes “how could you do this to me?” rather than “this violates what God has called you to be.” It simply devastates a relationship to make something personal that is not personal. It makes your children feel that they are being accused of something they did not do. Let’s say your son leaves a royal mess in the kitchen, and you say to him, “After all I do for you, and this is the way you leave the kitchen?” Now, examine the logic there. Is what he did personal or simply the result of the laziness and self-centeredness of sin that we all still carry around with us? Do you really think that that morning he woke up and said to himself, “At 7:12 a.m. I’m going to drive my mom crazy. I know what I will do; I’ll leave a big mess all over the kitchen. Yeah, that will drive her crazy.” Of course, that is not what happened! What he did was not personal in that way, and neither are many of the other things he does that you have to deal with as his parent. To personalize it misses the point of how God is using that moment to reveal his heart to you, and it causes you to accuse him of intentions that he didn’t actually have.
Could it be that tension has been caused in your relationship to your children because you have tended to personalize what is not personal? Could it be that your desire to get things from your children has caused you to take personal offense at things that are not personal? Could it be that in important parenting moments your tendency to take offense causes you to stand against your children rather than to stand with them in their struggle with sin? Could it be that taking personal offense has caused you to respond with anger to what God is calling you to meet with grace?
Isn’t it good to know that God’s presence with us and provision for us are so full, faithful, and complete that we really do come to our parental calling with everything we need to be what he’s called us to be and to do what he’s called us to do? Isn’t it good to know that because Jesus gives us life overflowing, we are freed from looking for life from our children or anywhere else? Isn’t it good to know that because we are the children of God, we have reason to continue even on our worst, most disastrous parenting day? Isn’t it good to know that as Jesus fully satisfies our hearts, we don’t have to ask our children to provide that satisfaction? It really is the completeness of the work of Jesus for us that frees us from coming to our parenting task needy, exhausted, and discouraged, asking our children to give us what they will never ever be able to give. The question of the moment is, Are you experiencing that wonderful freedom as a parent?