7 Lost
Principle: As a parent you’re not dealing just with bad behavior, but a condition that causes bad behavior.
Here’s a thought that has the ability to change the way you think about what God has called you to as a parent. It provides a very different way of interpreting those moments when your kids are driving you nuts or when they seem intent on resisting you. It will help you not to personalize things that at the core are not personal at all. This thought can keep you from allowing yourself to think that your son got up with the single-focused intention to wreck your day. It explains why you have to deal with things not just once, but over and over again. And this thought reinforces the significant spiritual nature of your role in the lives of your children.
Here’s the thought that is vital to consider: in parenting you’re not just dealing with your child’s wrong behaviors but his condition. Perhaps you’re thinking right now, “Paul, I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about. I just want my daughter to eat her carrots. I just want my son to pick up his clothes. I’m tired of my children arguing with me. I just want my kids to obey. If they did that, I would be satisfied.” Here’s what you need to understand. All of the resistance that you have to deal with, all of the fussing and complaining, all of the laziness and irresponsibility, all of the sibling squabbles, and all of the foolish choices, are the fruit of something deeper. If you don’t understand that deeper thing, you will settle for surface victories and surface solutions that don’t really lead to lasting change.
I often talk with exhausted and discouraged parents at parenting conferences. Some say, “I feel that nothing I do really works.” Or they ask, “Why am I having to deal with the same thing over and over again?” Or they quietly confess that they can’t wait for the day when the last child has left their home. I have many conversations with parents who in tears tell me that they have little relationship with their children. Or that they’ve read more than one parenting book and nothing has helped. I am deeply persuaded that when you don’t know what you’re dealing with, you become exhausted and discouraged with your “shot in the dark” attempts to deal with it.
So what does it mean to say that in parenting our kids we’re not dealing just with behavior, but with a condition? One powerful sentence that came out of the mouth of the Messiah captures exactly what I’m talking about: “For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost” (Luke 19:10). You and I will never understand the task that God has called us to and the things that we deal with every day until we understand what Jesus means by these words. Our children are not just disobedient; they are disobedient because they are lost. Our children do not just make foolish choices; they make foolish choices because they are lost. Our children do not just have trouble getting along with their siblings; they have trouble getting along with their siblings because they are lost. Our children are not just lazy; they are lazy because they are lost. Our children don’t just resist our authority; they resist our authority because they are lost. Everything that we’re dealing with is the result of something deeper that must be in our understanding and focus.
She was very frustrated, and she wanted to let me know it. “Paul,” she said, “I don’t need a long parenting conference, with a bunch of dos and don’ts. Just give me three days of good behavior, and I would feel that I had died and gone to heaven!” I wasn’t offended, because I’m a dad and I’ve personally felt her frustration. But her brief rant got me thinking. How many other parents are wishing for the same thing or say to their children, “Just behave, please!” They would almost do anything or pay anything or make any bargain necessary to get three days when their children were shining examples of self-initiated, noble behavior from early morning rise to lights out and in bed. But parenting is profoundly more than three days of good behavior or three years of good behavior or three decades of good behavior. Parenting is about the condition that makes good behavior seem such a hard and elusive goal.
Perhaps a medical example would help. If you were suffering from stomach cancer, you would be focused on the condition that you were dealing with, not just the symptoms of that condition. For example, you would celebrate three days free of intense abdominal pain and vomiting, but you wouldn’t think that because you were blessed with three days of freedom from suffering that you were well. And you would know that medications that lesson your symptoms are a blessing because they allow you be comfortable, but they do not offer you a solution. If you were living with stomach cancer, you would know that what you need help with and deliverance from is not just horribly uncomfortable symptoms, but the condition, cancer, that is the cause of every one of your symptoms. It would make no sense for you to attach yourself to a doctor who was great at alleviating symptoms, but had no understanding of the disease condition that is the cause of those symptoms.
So it is with parenting. Sure, you should always thank God for any moment when your child listens to you or chooses to do what is right. You should give thanks for those good days when your children are compliant and are getting along with one another. You should be thankful for any conversation that goes well and any situations where, if even for a brief moment, one of your children sees the light. You should be grateful for each time you are respected or when your children let you know they are thankful. You should be grateful for those times when the dinner meal is peaceful or your child’s room is actually neat. But you mustn’t be satisfied with these things. You mustn’t allow yourself to think that these things are solutions. As a parent committed to being part of what God is doing in the lives of your children, you mustn’t be content with alleviating symptoms while your children are suffering from a condition that is destructive to them and will be heartache to you.
So go ahead and celebrate those three days of good behavior, but don’t let them satisfy your heart.
Your Children Are Lost. What Does That Mean?
Jesus uses the word lost in picturesque ways—the lost sheep, the lost coin, the lost son—and each of these gets at an element of what the condition “lost” means. Lost is one of those words that carries with it a variety of meanings. Lost can mean displaced; lost can mean dead; lost can mean defeated; and lost can mean confused. Three parables in the Bible capture what the biblical category of lost is all about. Understanding the focus of these three parables will help you begin to get a sense of who your children are and what God has called you to as a parent. Remember, your attention needs to be not only on the behavior of your child, but more fundamentally on the condition that produces that behavior. So, you can quit being reactive, but parent in those spontaneous moments with a sense of purpose and direction. Luke 15 is a tremendous help to parents, because, in vivid word pictures, it sheds light on the condition (“lost”) that is the reason for all you have to deal with in the thoughts, desires, choices, words, and actions of your children.
The Parable of the Lost Sheep
Now the tax collectors and sinners were all drawing near to hear him. And the Pharisees and the scribes grumbled, saying, “This man receives sinners and eats with them.”
So he told them this parable: “What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that was lost.’ Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance.”
The Parable of the Lost Coin
“Or what woman, having ten silver coins, if she loses one coin, does not light a lamp and sweep the house and seek diligently until she finds it? And when she has found it, she calls together her friends and neighbors, saying, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found the coin that I had lost.’ Just so, I tell you, there is joy before the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
The Parable of the Prodigal Son
And he said, “There was a man who had two sons. And the younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the share of property that is coming to me.’ And he divided his property between them. Not many days later, the younger son gathered all he had and took a journey into a far country, and there he squandered his property in reckless living. And when he had spent everything, a severe famine arose in that country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, who sent him into his fields to feed pigs. And he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate, and no one gave him anything.
“But when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many of my father's hired servants have more than enough bread, but I perish here with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants.”’ And he arose and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’ And they began to celebrate.
“Now his older son was in the field, and as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. And he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant. And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fattened calf, because he has received him back safe and sound.’ But he was angry and refused to go in. His father came out and entreated him, but he answered his father, ‘Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him!’ And he said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found.’” (Luke 15)
Each of these parables highlights an aspect of what it means to be lost and helps you to understand your experience with your children and your job description as their parent. Taking the parables in order, let’s start with the lost sheep. Three things jump out of this parable. First, sheep need a shepherd. They need the wisdom, the protection, and the sustenance a shepherd can provide. Like your children, sheep were designed by the Creator to thrive under someone’s care. You should never be irritated in those moments where it is clear that your children need you, no matter what it’s interrupting. The fact that your children need to be supervised, cared for, and sustained by you is the wise choice of the Creator. Sheep need shepherding because they’re sheep, and children need parenting because they’re human beings. The needs of your children will get you up early in the morning, will interrupt you a hundred times during the day, and will even interfere with your sleep, but dependent is what they are and care is what God has called you to.
Second, sheep are prone to wander. It is in the nature of sheep to be easily distracted and quickly seduced by the lush green just beyond the borders of the fold. It is the nature of sheep to blindly follow another wandering sheep. So it is with your children. Because of the sin that lives inside them, children are prone to wander out of the protective instruction, correction, and discipline of their parents. They tend to be influenced by other children who are no more capable of guiding themselves than they are. Most of the wrong behavior of your children is not intentionally or self-consciously rebellious. Sometime it is, but most often their disobedience is the fruit of their lostness. Your son or daughter doesn’t get up in the morning and say to him- or herself, “At 8:30 this morning I’m going to have an argument with Mom.” Or, “At 7:30 tonight I’m going to find a way to directly disobey her.” But when you interpret their disobedience this way, you tend to take their disobedience as personal and accuse them of things that were not in their heart. It’s important to emphasize this point; your children will wander, and they’ll do it not because they want to make war with you, but because they’re lost.
But there’s a third aspect to this evocative parable. Once a sheep has wandered, he is incapable of rescuing himself. He needs someone who will search for him, find him, and bring him home. So it is with your children. They don’t so much need to be rescued from the world around them or from their friends; no, they need to be rescued from themselves. There is no greater danger in their lives then the danger they are to themselves. Why? Because they are lost, and in being lost they carry around inside them something that pulls them away from the care and protection that God has designed for them and that makes them think they can live more independently than any human being was designed to live. This means that parenting is a moment-by-moment, day-by-day rescue mission. It means that as parents we need to daily remind ourselves that we’re called to rescue our children again and again, and we should not resent those moments when that rescue is necessary.
The parable of the lost coin is not about what it means for the coin to be lost; in this parable the spotlight is not on the coin, but on the one searching for it. This short little word picture, just three verses long, is a powerful portrayal of God’s attitude toward the lost. Even though the woman still has nine coins, she intently searches for the one that is lost and when she finds it, she throws a party for her family and friends! This is the attitude of the heavenly Father, who cares about every one of his lost children, and when they are found, he throws a party with the angels in heaven. These three verses portray with power the compassion, the patience, and the grace that we are called to represent as God’s ambassadors in the lives of our children. We’re not mad at them because they’re lost and need our help. We don’t push their lostness in their faces. We don’t remind them how much more righteous we are than they are, and that we would have never thought of doing and saying the things they do and say. No, we parent with mercy and grace. We live with them with patient hearts, and we celebrate every time they confess or choose to do what is right.
The longest of the three lost parables is the parable of the lost son. Perhaps the parable of the prodigal son is the best known of all of Christ’s parables. An entire parenting book could be written out of this parable alone. Let’s consider the ways this parable pictures what lost means and how it helps us to understand our job description as parents. Perhaps first you are hit with how intent this son is to be out on his own and to experience the world. His home offers him everything, but he cannot resist the temptation of independence. One of the scary components of the lostness of our children is their susceptibility to temptation. There is something inside them that hooks them to the dangerous things outside them. Again and again where you want your children to say no, they won’t say no. But there is more. Coupled with the susceptibility to temptation is the tendency toward self-deception. What does this mean? The son in the parable told himself things about himself that were not true. He told himself he was able to handle what he could not handle. Likewise, your child is always talking to herself, and what she says to herself is profoundly important. Your child will tend to tell herself that she is able to do what no child is independently able to do.
All of this leads to the fact that lost people are a danger to themselves, and because they are, they are headed for destruction—although they probably don’t know it. The danger that makes parenting both essential and difficult lives inside your child, not outside him. No child is free of that danger. The susceptibility to temptation and the tendency toward self-deception make your children a danger to themselves. Again, it is vital to understand that the rescue they need is rescue from themselves.
Finally, as the father in the story so powerfully demonstrates, what lost children need most is not criticism, judgment, condemnation, or punishment. Yes, children need authority. Yes, they need rules and the enforcement of those rules. Yes, they need to be held accountable for the choices that they make. But what I am going to say, I cannot emphasize enough; it is one of the central themes of this book. All of the things I just mentioned are important for protecting a child from himself, but they have no power whatsoever to deliver a child from himself, and every child needs that deliverance. Like the lost son, lost children need compassion, lost children need understanding, lost children need patience, lost children need acceptance, lost children need forgiveness, lost children need grace. It is stirring to see that the father of the lost son never gave up, he never gave way to bitterness and anger, he never threw away his hope, he never closed the door of his heart, and he never quit loving his son. He longed for and looked for and was ready for his son’s return. What a beautiful parenting model for all of us. Now here’s what you need to understand; the father in the story is the heavenly Father and the lost son is every one of us. Like our children, we are lost apart from God’s rescue; like our children, we are susceptible to temptation; like our children, we are a danger to ourselves; like our children, we need the patient grace of our heavenly Father.
If all you had to deal with is the occasional bad behavior of your children, if all you had to do was regulate and control that behavior, parenting would be dramatically easier. But that’s not all that you have to deal with. Every day, whether you’ve thought about it or not, you are confronted with the lostness of your children and how it causes them to resist authority, to want their own way, and to think they can do what they are not able to do. As I’ve already written in this book, rules don’t have the power to deliver your children from this condition, but the powerful, transforming grace of God does. Parenting is about being a tool of that grace in the lives of our children.
Two Big Lies Every Lost Child Believes
It is important to understand that every child ever born believes two dangerous and destructive lies. If you pay attention, you can see these lies operating in the lives of your children. The power of these lies should be way more important to you than one bad and frustrating moment you experience with one of your children.
The first lie is the lie of autonomy. What this lie says is that I am a completely independent human being, and because I am, I have the right to live my life any way I choose to live it. It is the belief that my life belongs to me and that I should be able to do whatever I want with my life to make me happy. Part of this lie is the belief that no one should tell me what to do.
Parents who fight with a toddler about what to eat are not really fighting about what to eat. It’s not that he has a different perspective on diet than you do. Come on, he knows nothing about diet. That fight is about autonomy. It’s about that little boy’s resistance to rules. It’s about his belief that his little mouth belongs to him and no one will tell him what to put in it. My daughter decided she didn’t want peas in her mouth. She had no intention of inserting green orbs into her oral cavity, although she had never tasted peas. So she would hold her jaw closed with the force of a pneumatic vice and would not open it. She was not defending herself against peas; she was defending her autonomy. She didn’t know that no human being is designed to live independently.
The battle over what to wear is not a fight about fashion, but about autonomy. The fight about whether your teenage son can go to that party is not first about his deep commitment to the celebrations of his community of peers. That fight is about his continued resistance to being told what he can or cannot do. We all, including our children, resist being ruled. We all, including our children, want our own way. We all, including our children, set our minds on what we think will make us happy and get angry at anyone who stands in our way.
It’s stunning to see the body of a child who is not yet able to talk stiffen in anger, not only because she is not getting her way, but because she already believes that it’s her right to have her own way! It is shocking to see the amount of anger that comes out of a teenager when his mom says no to his weekend plans. He hates authority—not because he hates his parents, but because he believes that he is the only authority that he needs. Parents, every day you deal with the lie of autonomy operating in the hearts of your children; it’s important to see beyond the issue of the moment. Don’t settle for winning a battle about the thing, but rather each time fight for the heart behind the thing.
The second lie is equally dangerous. It is the lie of self-sufficiency. This lie tells your child that he has everything he needs inside himself to be what he needs to be and to do what he needs to do. He doesn’t need your help, rescue, instruction, wisdom, or correction. It doesn’t take long before you have to deal with the delusion of self-sufficiency in the heart of your child. A toddler has discovered that his shoes have laces that need to be tied. So he sits down and begins to fumble with his laces. He has no idea how to tie a bow. He could fumble with his laces for eternity and never end up with a bow, but when you reach down to help him, he slaps away your hand. That slap is not about lace ownership; it’s about self-sufficiency. He desperately wants to believe that he can do quite well without your assistance or instruction. The teenage daughter who is arguing with you as you seek to impart to her some needed wisdom is arguing because she believes in her self-sufficiency, and because she does, she thinks she already has all the wisdom she needs.
No one is autonomous. No one is self-sufficient. Everyone needs parenting care. To believe anything else is to be dangerously deluded and headed for trouble. Parents, the scary thing is that our kids buy into both of these lies. You can see it in their actions, reactions, and responses.
So What Do Lost Children Need?
Lost children need:
1. Insight. The problem with lost children is that they don’t see themselves as lost and because they don’t, they don’t understand how much they need your parenting care. So our children need not just to be told what to do, but they also need to be enabled to see. We need to look for ways to help them to understand the condition of danger that causes their behavior to be disruptive.
2. Compassion. It doesn’t make any sense to get mad at somebody who is lost. It doesn’t make any sense to make it a matter of personal offense against you. It doesn’t make any sense to condemn a lost person with words or throw a punishment at them and walk away. Lost people need understanding and compassion. Lost children don’t need parents who are irritated by their lostness, but rather who mourn it and long for them to be found.
3. Hope. As our children begin to admit the condition that they are in, and as they begin to own the danger they are to themselves, what they need to be assured of is that help is available. They need to know that not only are we not their adversaries, we are their allies. We are here to do anything we can to protect, support, and guide them. But even more, they need to know that God sent his Son to earth so that when they begin to confess their need and cry out for help, they would have just the help that they need.
4. Rescue. Because of all that this chapter has discussed, parenting is not a behavior-control mission; it is a heart-rescue mission. The only hope for a lost child is a radical transformation of his heart. As parents, we have no ability to change our children’s hearts, but the heavenly Father does, and we are his tools in the lives of our children. So we don’t settle for the announcement of rules, the threat of punishment, and the enforcement of consequences. We are looking for every opportunity to address heart issues in our children, praying that as we do, God will work the change in them that only he can accomplish.
5. Wisdom. Our children need the wisdom to know when to say no. A successful life is all about saying no, but not to the authorities in your life, or to the people you’ve been called to love, or to God’s call, but no to yourself. In our children’s lostness they will think things that they should not think, they’ll desire things they should not desire, and they will be pulled by dangerous emotions and seductive temptations. And if they don’t learn when and how to say no, they will end up living as they were never intended to live.
So parents, what’s the bottom line? Well, as Jesus came to seek and to save those who are lost, he calls us to love and to rescue our lost children. We don’t give way to irritation, frustration, impatience, or discouragement. We move toward our children with the grace of forgiveness, wisdom, correction, and rescue, and we pray every day that God will empower our work as parents, and that he will change our children at that deepest of levels where every human being, including us, needs to be changed.