9 Foolishness
Principle: The foolishness inside your children is more dangerous to them than the temptation outside of them. Only God’s grace has the power to rescue fools.
Sally has decided at two-and-a-half years old that she will never eat vegetables in her entire life.
Billy is five and has told his parents he won’t sleep if he cannot sleep with them.
Jared argues with his dad every time he’s told what to do.
Cindy is six and thinks it’s dumb that she can’t wear makeup yet.
Bo really does think that his future is in video games and not in doing homework.
Miley is obsessed with sending silly texts to friends during school.
Jason doesn’t think that smoking pot is such a big deal.
Sarah lies whenever it seems necessary to her.
Jennifer is simply obsessed with her appearance.
Peter thinks that sports are the most important thing in his life.
Justin has blown off high school and crushed his chances at going to college.
These are all kids of various ages and in different situations, but the same theme runs through all of their stories. It is the thing that their parents bump into every day. It is the thing that is of greatest danger to them. It’s the thing that will complicate their lives more than they know. It’s the thing that brings repeated conflict into their relationship with their parents. This thing is not first about something they did. No, it’s about who they are. They came into the world with it and they have no ability to free themselves from it, and so they need to be rescued out of it. It’s that sad and dangerous thing the Bible calls foolishness. I am deeply persuaded that if you don’t understand what the Bible says about foolishness, you won’t fully understand what God has called you to as his instrument in the lives of your children.
Here’s where we need to begin. As a parent you are never, ever dealing just with the words and actions of your children. You are always also dealing with the thing that controls their words and behavior: the heart. Sadly, many Christian parents lose sight of this or don’t know this, so they think that their job is to direct and control their children’s behavior. So they spend all of their parental focus and energy on announcing and enforcing the law. Now, as I’ve already said in this book, your children need law and they need authorities that announce it and enforce it, but they need much, much more. The law has a very powerful ability to reveal the sin that lives inside your children, and the law is God’s perfect guide for your children’s living, but the law has no ability to change them. The law will not make them want to do what is right. The law won’t make them humble worshipers of God. The law won’t free them from their arrogance and self-worship. The law won’t make them righteous. The law is a very good thing, but not enough of a thing.
As a Christian parent, you must carry with you, in a way that shapes your parenting, a practical theology of the heart. This biblical theology of the heart must guide you as you interact with the misbehavior of your children. You may be thinking, “Paul, I get what you’re saying, but I don’t know what that looks like as I deal with my children every day.” This is precisely where a little verse in the opening chapters of Proverbs can not only give you insight, but can transform the way you think about what God has called you to be and do in the lives of the children he has entrusted to your care. Read carefully and repeatedly the words of Proverbs 4:23. Remember, what you are about to read are the words of counsel a wise father is giving to his son: “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.”
What does the father mean when he says to his son, “Keep your heart with all vigilance”? Well, what he’s saying is, “Son, if you pay attention to anything, pay attention to this. Focus on this. Make this a priority. Don’t get distracted and forget this.” What is the this? The this is the heart. Why would a wise father say, “Son, be very, very careful to always pay attention to the content and character of your heart”? Why is this such an important thing for a wise father to communicate to his son? Why is it such an important thing for his son to hear? Before I answer the questions I have proposed, I want to make a rather sad observation. There are thousands and thousands of Christian parents who never would think of saying this to one of their children. There are thousands and thousands of Christian parents who have never had a heart-focused conversation with one of their children. So why in the wisdom conversation this father is having with his son, is this the main thing that he wants to say?
The answer to the question that is posited in the first half of Proverbs 4:23 is answered by the second half of the same verse. “Son, pay careful attention to your heart.” Why? Because “from it flow the springs of life.” What does that mean? It means that the life of your children is controlled by their hearts. This means that the words and behavior of your children flow out of whatever is in their hearts. Here’s a biblical definition of the heart: the heart is the causal core of your child’s personhood. It’s the heart that causes your children to do and say what they do and say. Like us, our children live out of their hearts. Like us, their words and behavior are more shaped by what’s inside them than what’s outside them. This means that whatever rules their hearts will control their words and actions.
This means that all of your children’s word problems are first heart problems. The mean things they say to one another begin with hatred, anger, bitterness, selfishness, jealousy, unkindness, impatience, or a lack of love in their hearts. The disobedience that you deal with is not first a behavioral problem; it is a heart problem. Your children disobey because of the pride, rebellion, autonomy, self-sufficiency, and desire for self-rule that control their hearts. It’s not enough to say no or “Because you did this, this is what you’re going to get.”
If parenting must include and focus on the heart, here are two things that you must always keep in mind. First, you must remind yourself again and again, so that in the press of the duties of parenting you don’t forget that all of your children’s behavior problems are heart problems. Yes, it is true; it is the heart that is the problem (both your children’s and yours). The second thing you must call yourself to remember is that lasting change in the behavior of your children (the thing that all parents long for) will always travel through the pathway of the heart. If the heart of your child does not change, his behavior won’t change for very long. This means that every moment of discipline and correction must be accompanied with instruction. And what kind of instruction? When you’re disciplining your child, you are being afforded a God-given opportunity to talk about his heart. Since it is true that his behavior reveals the true condition of his heart, his misbehavior gives you a picture of what controls his heart, and you have been given an opportunity by your Savior of grace to help the child see what is in his heart. Each time you do this, you are part of what God is seeking to do in the life of your child, and you are giving the Spirit of God an opportunity to impart self-knowledge to your child, including a sense of wrong, personal conviction, and a desire to change. In these moments ask questions, tell stories, give illustrations—anything you can do to get the child to step out of himself, to quit defending himself, and to look into and examine his heart.
These moments are not so much “legal” moments, where the emphasis is on the rules and the punishment that is coming for breaking the rules, but on how a God of love is using all of it to help our children see themselves, admit what they see, and reach out for God’s help. This means that these “law” moments are actually “grace” moments, and when you get that, it transforms what you do as you deal with your children. You don’t threaten them: “You just don’t want to think about what I am going to do if I have to break up one more fight today!” You don’t manipulate your children: “If you’re nice to your sisters all next week, I’ll buy you that Star Wars action figure you’ve been asking for.” You don’t try to make your children feel guilty: “I remember when our lives were simple. Now everything gets complicated by the way you behave.” Threat, manipulation, and guilt are tools that parents use to produce change in their children without having to deal with the heart.
This is where the gospel of Jesus Christ that we say we believe is helpful for our parenting. Listen to the bright, golden promise of the work of the Savior that is yet to come: “I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put in you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh” (Ezek. 36:26). Jesus came to give us and our children the one thing that we all desperately need—a new heart. This means that the focus of the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus is not first new behavior, but a renewed heart, because if our hearts are not renewed, our behavior will never change.
Now, what does a “new heart” mean? It doesn’t mean a perfect heart. Notice the word picture of the difference between stone and flesh. As I wrote earlier, if I had a stone in my hands and squeezed it with all of my might, what do you think would happen? Well, the only logical answer is, nothing. That stone is hard, and because it is hard, it’s resistant to change. Flesh is soft, and because it’s soft, it’s moldable or capable of change. Jesus came so that our hearts would be new and renewing. He came so our hearts would change and be changing. This is what he wants for our children. That is why he will expose the hearts of our children to us, so that we can be tools of his work of change. Why is this prophecy about Jesus in the Old Testament? It’s there to remind us that lasting heart change is impossible apart from his rescuing, forgiving, transforming, and delivering grace. Without this grace our children are cursed to live with the stony hearts they were born with, and we are forced to parent without any real hope of lasting change.
But God hasn’t left us without the help of his grace. He sent his Son so that it would be practically possible for us to be instruments of real and lasting heart change in our children. Once you understand this, then you begin to also understand that every moment of discipline and correction is at the same time a God-given opportunity to get at issues of the heart with our children. Your children need your authority, but they also need the grace of insight, because the grace of insight is the doorway to the grace of confession, which is the doorway to the grace of new life.
Another observation that I want to make is that understanding what the Bible says about the heart exposes the inherent weakness and inadequacy of what I call monastic parenting. Think with me for a moment about the theology that resulted in the building of medieval monasteries. The thinking was that there’s an evil world out there, and the way to escape that evil is to create a community that lives inside a big wall that separates you from that evil of the surrounding world. The problem is that in little ways and big ways the monasteries that were built struggled with all the same things that they were trying to escape. What was the big mistake that monasteries made? I can tell you; they let people in them! And people brought with them all the evils of their own hearts. You see, culture isn’t the problem, people are. It’s people that cause a culture to be morally wrong and morally dangerous.
Yet, many Christian parents think that the main thing they need to do to produce children who are what God wants them to be is to protect their children from the evils of the surrounding culture. Should your children be exposed to all that our culture has to offer? The answer is obvious: “Absolutely not!” Do they constantly need your wise protection? Again, the answer is obvious: “All the time!” But God has not called us to erect a little family monastery. Please read carefully what I am going to write next. Monastic parenting will not deliver your children from moral danger. What the Bible has to say about the heart, which we have been considering, tells you why. The Bible tell us again and again that the greatest danger to us and our children lives inside us and not outside us. It’s the sin, iniquity, and transgression of our hearts and our children’s hearts that is the biggest moral danger to us. That is why we all need the grace of a new heart, and that is why protective (monastic) parenting is inadequate. You will never build walls of protection that protect your children from the danger that resides in their own hearts. So protect your children; you must because you live in a fallen world. But know that doing this is only a small part of the greater heart work that God has called you to.
If the Heart Is the Problem, Then What Is the Problem with the Heart?
The Bible is very clear about the dysfunction in the heart of every child, and understanding what the Bible says will change the way you think about parenting those that God has entrusted into your care. To understand what is wrong inside the hearts of your children, we look again to Proverbs: “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him” (Prov. 22:15). Folly (foolishness) is what you deal with as a parent every day whether you know it or not. Foolishness is what makes your child think he knows better than you do. Foolishness is what makes her rebel against your authority. Foolishness is what makes siblings constantly fight with one another. Foolishness is what makes a teenager think the world’s way is better than God’s way. Foolishness is what makes a child think it is better to get out of work than to faithfully do his work. Foolishness is what makes a child think that material things are more important than spiritual things. It is foolishness that makes your job as a parent both essential and difficult.
Rather than being unkind, it is in fact biblical to look at your children and to understand that you are parenting fools. It is vital to understand that this foolishness is one of the chief dangers that your children face. And foolishness is a danger they cannot escape, because it resides in their hearts. Fools need help. Fools need rescue. Fools need to understand the danger they are to themselves. Fools need to change.
You may be asking yourself right now, “What is foolishness, anyway?” The fool has the world inside out and upside down. The fool looks at what is foolish and sees it as wise. The fool looks at what is good and sees it as bad. The fool looks at what is false and sees it as true. The fool hates to be ruled by another. The fool hates to have to stay inside of boundaries. The fool wants his own way. The fool looks at others as being in the way. The fool doesn’t think he needs to learn. The fool thinks he is always right. The fool lives for what is fading rather than for what is eternal. The fool puts himself in the middle of things and makes it all about him. The fool demands to be served and hates to have to serve. The fool argues with the wise and listens to other fools. The fool has it all wrong, but is convinced he is always right. The fool walks the path of danger and destruction, but thinks he has the good life. The words of Proverbs are tragic. They should break your heart. Your child has the heart of a fool and because he does, he is a danger to himself and desperately needs God’s arms of rescue that come through your parenting care.
But you cannot really understand either the source or danger of the foolishness that is in the heart of every child without the words of Psalm 53:
The fool says in his heart, “There is no God.”
They are corrupt, doing abominable iniquity;
there is none who does good.
God looks down from heaven
on the children of man
to see if there are any who understand,
who seek after God.
They have all fallen away;
together they have become corrupt;
there is none who does good,
The epicenter of the foolishness that is in the heart of every child is deeply theological. Most Christian parents fail to understand this. The struggles over food, sleep, homework, sibling conflict, possessions, wardrobe, and dating are theological struggles. You see, at the center of the foolishness of the children you are called to parent is a denial of God. I don’t think that passage is talking about formal philosophical atheism (although it would include that). At street level what this passage is talking about is the propensity of our children to live as if God doesn’t exist. This denial of God is living without a sense of need for his authority, wisdom, power, and grace. It’s about inserting myself in the center. It’s about the propensity of our children to make their happiness the most important thing in the universe. It’s denying God’s right to rule and the wisdom of his rules. And when I deny God in this way, I will not appreciate the authorities he has placed in my life and I will not want to submit to the boundaries that God and those authorities place around me. So I will be attracted to what is wrong and do things that I should not do. Because this foolishness is in the heart of every child, the psalmist says, “There is none who does good; not even one” (v. 3). It is important to remember that you can say that you believe in God, but practically deny his existence in the way that you live every day.
Parents, here’s what you have to understand. It is more natural for your children to deny God’s existence than it is for them to humbly recognize it and submit to his holy demands on their lives. It is more natural for your children to be happy in setting themselves up as God, than to willingly and joyfully submit to the one who is God. No wonder that they resist your authority. No wonder they argue with you even though you clearly know more and better. No wonder they’re in constant conflict with one another. No wonder they are entitled, demanding, easily bored, and often unthankful. No wonder you are exhausted at the end of the day. No wonder you get discouraged with the process. Sin reduces all of our children to fools (us too) and because it does, it causes them to live as if God doesn’t exist, and because they do that, they will be attracted to what is wrong and resist when you ask them to do what is right. It is a simple but sad equation. If you do not submit to God’s way, you will want your own way. This defines the struggle of our children and the daily job description of those who parent them.
So How Do You Parent a Fool?
Right away you have to recognize that what we’re considering right now exposes the fundamental inadequacy of reducing Christian parenting down to rules and regulations that are clearly announced and faithfully enforced. Rules are a great protection for your child, but no rule has the power to deliver your child from his foolishness. Here is the spiritual paradox that every Christian parent needs to understand: The only hope for a fool is the God that every fool somehow, someway denies. The only hope for a fool is God’s amazing, rescuing, forgiving, transforming, and delivering grace. This means that as parents we are called to be representatives not only of God’s holy authority, but also of his redeeming grace.
Here’s the rub. We all tend to be better at enforcing the law than we are at extending grace. What does it look like to be visible extenders of God’s invisible grace in the lives of our children? I want to answer the question with the four words that follow. You should carry these four words with you every day as do your parenting work, because these four words represent the rescue and salvation of a fool.
1. Glory
The only solution to your child’s addiction to his own glory is to introduce him to a greater glory. Human beings were meant to live in a life-shaping awe of the existence and glory of God, and when we don’t, we don’t live in the way that we were designed to live. Our job as a parent is to open the eyes of our children to the stunning glory of God. Our job is to help our children to be so blown away by God’s glory that they find joy in submitting to his rule.
Now, God has helped us by creating a world that reveals his glory everywhere you look. God intentionally designed his world to reveal himself, because he knows how easy it is for us to be blind to his existence. Therefore it’s not unnatural to talk about God all the time, because he’s everywhere to be seen. How can you boil an egg, see the rising sun, hear the pounding of the rain, listen to the song of a bird, listen to the sizzle of a steak, watch the falling of the winter’s snow, view the turning of the leaves, stand on a beach and gaze across the seemingly endless ocean, listen to the huge catalog of different-sounding human voices, and not talk to your children about the glory of God? Every day God will give you theological opportunities, moments to help your children see the one thing they desperately need to see. The question is, Are you capturing these glory moments with a mission to rescue your children from their foolishness?
It’s pretty obvious that what a fool needs is wisdom. As a parent of a fool, you need to be looking for wisdom moments. God will give you opportunities every day to point to how beautiful, protective, practical, helpful, and good God’s wisdom really is. Think about it. Who wouldn’t want to live in a world where everyone was kind, loving, humble, patient, giving, and serving? Who wouldn’t want to live in a world where no one ever stole anything, where no one ever took another person’s wife, where there was no violence or murder, where no one was ever jealous or eaten by envy, where governments weren’t corrupt, and where people were always truthful? I have just described the world that God in his wisdom wants for us.
It is important to understand that since your children do not come into the world hungering for God’s wisdom, as a parent you have to be committed to be a salesman for it. You have to be committed to daily selling to your children what they’re not seeking, and you do that by showing your children how beautiful it is. So don’t be mad when you have to discipline your children. A God of grace is giving you an opportunity to be part of his rescue of them. Patiently capture those moments, not just by enforcing the rules, but by talking about how gorgeous God’s wise way is.
3. Story
As you are doing this, tell the story of the person and work of Jesus to your children again and again and again. Tell them how God could have condemned us all to our foolishness and its results, but instead how he sent his Son so that instead of being condemned, we’d be forgiven and rescued from ourselves. You simply cannot tell this story to your children enough. Talk about how God exercised his power to control history so that at just the right time Jesus would come and extend his sacrificial love to fools who didn’t even recognize his existence. Talk to them about how Wisdom came to rescue fools so that fools would become wise. Start telling this story when they are toddlers and don’t stop telling this story until your young adult children have left your home.
4. Welcome
Finally, talk about how God right here, right now, extends a welcome to them to confess their foolishness, to seek his forgiveness, and to receive his eternal help. Talk to them about how Jesus lived a perfectly righteous life so that unrighteous people could be welcomed into the arms of a perfectly holy God. And tell them that when he extends his forgiving grace to them, he will not turn his back on them ever again, no matter how foolish they are. Don’t yell at your children; lead them to confession. Be a visible representative of the patient and forgiving welcome that God extends to all who come to him.
Parenting is about parenting the heart, and parenting the heart means recognizing and dealing with the foolishness that is in the hearts of all of our children. This confronts us with the fact again that our children don’t just need God’s law; they are also born with a deep, abiding need for his grace, and we are called to be tools of that grace in the hearts and lives of our children.
One more thing needs to be said. If you want to be God’s tool of heart rescue and heart change in the lives of your children, you have to be humbly willing to start with your own heart. It is true that your heart will cause you to be in the way of what God is doing rather than being a willing part of it. Let’s say that it’s 10:30 p.m. and the children you put to bed at 9:00 p.m. are now fighting in their beds. You start down the hallway with feet heavy on the floorboards. You’re probably not saying, “Thank you, God, for this wonderful opportunity to rescue my children from the foolishness that is so dangerous to them. I love your grace.” You’re probably saying, “They’re dead!” And you’re about to go into their room and in anger do and say things that you should not do or say. Now think with me: Why are you angry? I would propose to you that you’re not angry that your children have broken God’s law, because that would be the anger of wisdom, correction, and grace. You’re angry because your children have broken your law, and in your system of law, there shall be no parenting after 10:00 p.m.
Now, I’m about to hurt your feelings. When we go off and rip into our children, we are responding as a fool. A fool turns moments of ministry into moments of anger. A fool personalizes what is not personal. A fool is adversarial in these moments in his responses. And a fool settles for quick solutions that do not get to the heart of the matter. Sadly, I was that fool many times with my children. You see, getting at the foolishness that is in the heart of all of our children begins with us confessing that we’re fools too. It’s not just our children who need rescue. It’s not just our children who forget God and do foolish things. It’s not just our children who want their own way. It’s not just our children who make it all about them. We do all of these things too and because we do, our daily need for God’s rescue and forgiveness is just as great as our children’s is.
The mystery of the way God works is that he sends fools to rescue fools and because he does, it takes grace to be a tool of God’s agenda of rescuing grace. Parents, the more you are ready and willing to confess the foolishness that causes you to need God’s grace, the more you will be willing and ready to extend that grace to the foolish hearts of the children he has entrusted to your care. But remember: because of what Jesus has done for us, that grace is ready for the taking right here, right now.