10. Marriage, Family, and Friendships
10
Marriage, Family, and Friendships
Good faith Christians allow their marriages, families, and hospitality to benefit others.
The most significant blow to marriage happened almost fifty years ago.
Thanks to conservative icon Ronald Reagan, marriage is, as far as the government is concerned, nothing more than a contract between two adults. In 1969, then-governor Reagan, a divorced and remarried actor turned politician, was the first to sign “no-fault” divorce into state law.
If you don’t like the way your relationship is headed, you can dissolve it with the check of a box. It doesn’t matter if your kids will be displaced or whether your spouse has kept their covenantal commitments. As far as the government is concerned, you are within your rights to cancel the contract, move on, and let the rest of the family (and society) pick up the pieces.
No harm, no foul.
If you care about marriage—and not just prohibiting gay marriage—you can’t ignore this fact of history.
The fallout has wreaked havoc and devastation in the lives of countless children. Millions of teens and young adults—one-third of them—wake up every morning with only one of their biological parents in the house, making them more likely to drop out of school, to have or cause a teen pregnancy, and to divorce as an adult.1 It’s no wonder young adults are getting married later (if they marry at all). As the graph shows, the average age for first marriages in the United States is twenty-nine for men and twenty-seven for women, compared to twenty-two and twenty, respectively, in 1960.
But the more notable trend is how the curve has gotten steeper in recent years. The age increase between 1990 and 2013 (twenty-three years) nearly matches the rise between 1960 and 1990 (thirty years).2
Mark Regnerus, a researcher and sociologist at the University of Texas at Austin, once commented during his talk at our Q Conference that the “price of sex is low” and marriage suffers the consequences. As we described in the previous chapter, sex is ubiquitous and easily accessible—and now marriage is no longer the barrier to entry that it once was.
That doesn’t mean marriage is entirely off the radar. It’s just not a goal for young adulthood as it was fifty years ago. It’s on the back burner. Eight out of ten Millennials say, “I want to be married at some point” (82 percent), but first . . . “I want to be fully developed as a person” (70 percent), “I want to be financially established” (69 percent), and “I think we should live together” (60 percent).3 Among the goals twentysomethings want to achieve before they turn thirty, marriage doesn’t crack the top five.
What if the church offered a more robust and holistic vision for marriage and family? Instead of personal fulfillment, what if becoming Christlike was the ultimate objective? Marriage, and singleness for that matter, has become more about getting what you want out of life than about discipleship.
Gabe’s friend Jay hoped to get married one day but struggled, as so many today do, with finding “the one.” The pursuit of the perfect match, one’s soul mate, is a modern idea birthed (like so much in our culture) out of the drive for self-fulfillment. For Jay, finding “the one” meant finding a person with a compatible personality, a compelling life story, big dreams for the future, and the desire to have three children. His list was pretty specific.
I told him, “Dude, marriage isn’t about you. If you are meant to be married, God will use it to change you.” In Christian lingo, we call this “sanctification”—the process God uses to make us more holy, more like Christ. As I explained to Jay, “Sure, marriage may be fulfilling, but more than that it’s a significant way God trains us in unconditional love and service. God uses marriage to help you become the person he wants you to be.
“After eighteen years in a marriage,” I went on, “I’ve learned it is a lot like a mirror, reflecting back to me who I really am—whether or not I like what I see. The mirror doesn’t lie and neither does my marriage.”
This was new information to Jay, even though he had been in Christian environments for years. He had been taught that marriage was the ultimate in relational fulfillment. In many churches, marriage is held up as the best place for deep intimacy, unrivaled by any other relationship. Yet the apostle Paul, in 1 Corinthians 7, provides a different perspective. His call to Christ-followers in Corinth to remain single and not be distracted by the needs of a spouse is quite a contrast to most modern Christian teachings on the pursuit of marriage.
When the Sadducees pressed Jesus on the question of marriage after the resurrection, he responded, “When the dead rise, they will neither marry nor be given in marriage. In this respect they will be like the angels in heaven” (Mark 12:25). This teaching, combined with Paul’s instructions, clarifies that singleness is both our origin—our “default setting”—and our ultimate destination. The church, as the bride of Christ, will finally be united with him in the new creation, and each of us will experience the fulfillment and completion we long for in our relationships. But we’ll do so in union with our Lord, not in marriage with each other.
Jesus and Paul offer a vision for human relationships that does not rely on marriage but instead prioritizes discipleship.
Good faith Christians recognize that marriage is one avenue of sanctification but certainly not the only way to Christlikeness. It is one form of intimate relationship but certainly not the only one modeled in the New Testament. Don’t get us wrong—marriage is a good thing. But it’s not an ultimate thing. Where the church has made marriage an idol—elevating it as the one relationship that will bring security, fulfillment, and intimacy—we need to think again.
Marriage as a Community Good
Rob and Lauren have properly weighted their marriage in the balance of their church and community. Having lived in New York City for over a decade, they each had a wonderful group of friends. Once they were engaged, everyone asked, “Where are you going to live?” At first, they assumed they’d get a one-bedroom apartment and start life as an exclusive unit. But when strained finances entered the picture, they pursued a different option: living in a larger apartment with a couple of close friends.
Your first thought might be, Why would any newly married couple want to live with their friends? It wasn’t their first inclination, but once they embraced the opportunity, their entire understanding of marriage was transformed.
I was catching up with Lauren the other night, and she explained:
Gabe, our experience has changed how Rob and I think about our marriage. We have this beautiful community of friends, and marriage shouldn’t remove us from them. Our marriage shouldn’t be just about us but about how we can bring life to others, host dinners, engage in late-night conversations, and be a life-giving part of friendships. Even when we move into our own place one day, we have a completely different picture of how our marriage should be used to benefit others.
Lauren beautifully captured how a holy, outward-facing marriage functions in a larger household of faith. Lauren and Rob don’t see their main priority as pairing off from their other relationships. Instead, they see their marriage as a home base for nurturing friendships, welcoming single people, and expanding “family” to include other believers.
We get this idea from Jesus. As the Gospel of Matthew records:
As Jesus was speaking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, asking to speak to him. Someone told Jesus, “Your mother and your brothers are standing outside, and they want to speak to you.” Jesus asked, “Who is my mother? Who are my brothers?” Then he pointed to his disciples and said, “Look, these are my mother and brothers. Anyone who does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother!” (12:46–50)
Jesus revolutionized what it means to be family. In his vision, family isn’t limited to biology; it extends to all those who follow him in doing God’s will.
The Missing Ingredient
My transatlantic red-eye brought me into the Netherlands for my first-ever visit to Amsterdam. I had never been there, but my wife’s family heritage traces back to the Dutch, and I was excited to see the low country for myself.
In my imagination, the Dutch were traditional people, living the good, old way of life. Pale, sweet-faced women wore wooden clogs (Klompen, to be exact) and blue and white dresses and performed a graceful stomp dance, if there is such a thing. Quaint as that picture looked to my mind’s eye, it doesn’t represent modern Amsterdam—a city notorious for its red-light district and anything-goes morality. In 2001, the Netherlands became the first nation to legalize same-sex marriage. Its trailblazing legalization of abortion, euthanasia, and prostitution paved the way for many other European nations to implement similar laws. Its modern society is a long way from my stereotypes of clogs and stomp dances!
I met with several Christian leaders—mostly church planters and entrepreneurs motivated by faith to advance the gospel in their city—and learned a lot about engaging post-Christian culture. European cultural contexts can help us envision where American life may be headed. In the Netherlands, religion is seen as merely irrelevant tradition. Anyone who takes it too seriously is considered extreme. This has forced the faithful to adopt an almost-forgotten essential of gospel living.
Hospitality.
The church leaders shared stories of how conversations about faith were happening because of hospitality. Whether someone was hosting refugees passing through from the Middle East or inviting a colleague over for dinner, the themes of welcoming, celebrating, and humanizing the stranger came up again and again. In Amsterdam, hospitality is a standout, countercultural idea.
It’s nothing new. Actually, it’s quite old, confiscated by modern life when hotels, hospitals, and homeless shelters institutionalized hospitality. (We even have a hospitality industry.) But it’s a clear biblical priority, even mentioned as a spiritual gift (see 1 Cor. 12). Perhaps because it’s so rare in our times, hospitality beautifully expresses God’s vision for human relationships.
One way to practice hospitality is to express interest in others. It’s easy to talk about yourself. But try asking more questions than you are asked in your conversations. It’s a simple but profound truth: people enjoy sharing about themselves, and it helps them feel welcome and special. Difficult conversations can be a little less imposing if we make it our goal to really get to know the other person.
All of this may sound like Relationship 101, but the importance of hospitality caught my attention like a lighthouse on a foggy night. Showering tangible love on those we know—and on those we don’t—allows people to experience the love of Jesus in ways they don’t see coming. Hospitality is good faith in action. In a culture that emphasizes fast meals, online friendship, and casual hookups, hospitality is a truly countercultural experience. The recipient is left longing for more.
Historically, God’s people have been the best—even radical—when it comes to hospitality. “In a number of ancient civilizations, hospitality was viewed as a pillar on which all morality rested. For the people of ancient Israel, understanding themselves as strangers and sojourners, with responsibility to care for vulnerable strangers in their midst, was part of what it meant to be the people of God.”4 Jesus practiced welcome in ways that confounded the religious elites. He ate in the home of a tax collector, fellowshiped with “sinners,” and enjoyed long meals with his disciples. He was so good at showing up at parties that he was accused of being a drunk.
Then Paul took it to a new level. In his letters, he introduced the concept of “households,” groups of assorted believers in all stages of life pursuing godly living together. As pastor Greg Thompson points out, “Many of us are not used to talking about households. And in Christian theology, while the household includes families, it was never limited to them. It not only included all who call on the name of Jesus, but those who needed to find shelter within them.”5
If the idea of hospitality feels a bit strange in our current culture, we must remember it is rooted in Christian theology. “The people of God are aliens and strangers whom God has welcomed into the ‘household of faith.’ In turn, God’s people are to ‘make room’ for the stranger, not only in the community of faith but also in their own personal households.”6
An Open-Door Policy
Have you ever watched Duck Dynasty, the popular reality series set in Louisiana that portrays an extended family’s household of relationships? Behind the cameras and scripted storylines, Willie and Korie Robertson beautifully model hospitality.
Recently, the Lyons family visited the Robertsons in West Monroe. Everywhere we turned, we heard another story of generous Christian hospitality. It was almost unbelievable to see the number of lives and families impacted by their commitment to hospitality.
After a hearty crawfish pasta dinner (one of “Chef Willie’s” favorites), we savored warm blueberry cobbler in the Robertsons’ living room. Leaning back in a recliner with a carb overload, I said to Willie and Korie, “I’m so overwhelmed and refreshed to witness the beautiful way you guys live your lives. I keep meeting people who have one more story of how your family has impacted them. They all feel a part of your family. It’s amazing!”
A bit embarrassed, Willie responded, “Gabe, we are just living life, man . . . not doing anything special, just doing what’s right. We are blessed.”
What I witnessed in those twenty-four hours inspired and convicted me. The web of relationships—family and friends—they have woven is countercultural in the most astonishing, and inviting, way. I encountered three unique relationships in West Monroe that offer a vision of what a modern-day household of faith could look like—even if you don’t like crawfish.
First we met Brian, a twenty-six-year-old man who moved to Louisiana several years back to take care of his mom. When he began looking for a job, he had no luck. He had a criminal record, and employers didn’t think twice about skipping right past his name. Unfortunately, discrimination against former inmates still gets praise in many communities. But Brian was looking for a fresh start and was willing to take any job.
When Duck Commander, one of Willie’s companies, hired him out of hundreds of other applicants, Brian was blown away with gratitude. The Robertsons didn’t mind his history because they saw his real potential. And given the opportunity, he did an outstanding job. He grew in his skills and recently became a manager of another of their businesses.
As we talked, Brian said to me, “I love Willie. He saved my life and introduced me to Jesus. I’ll never work for anyone else!”
Then there is Rebecca. Her friendship with the Robertsons began her junior year in high school when she was a foreign exchange student from Taiwan who came to live with their family. In time, she was fostered and then naturally folded into their family. Today, at age twenty-seven, she helps run a designer fashion boutique, Duck and Dressing, and is actively pursuing adoption so she can give to someone else what was given to her.
The Robertsons adopted one child at five weeks old—and they just keep on adopting. When Korie recently became aware of a twelve-year-old boy who needed a permanent home, she instantly said, “Yes!” With their oldest son heading off to college, they said, “We have a free room opening up in the house. Let’s welcome another family member.”
This is how good faith Christians do family: as a household of faith, with an open-door policy.
You may not think you have the capacity, space, or resources to continually expand your household the way the Robertsons do. But each of us can invite a new friend or acquaintance over for dinner, go out of our way to support adoptive families, and invest time in the life of a child, teen, or young adult. You might even consider fostering a child without a permanent home.
Each family has its own unique dynamics, but Christ calls us beyond our fears and desire for comfort to trust him. We can be confident that when we welcome the stranger, we are welcoming Jesus into our midst.
Our world hungers for friendships, marriages, and families. These are wonderful gifts that are deeply needed, but we can offer something even better. Hospitality creates households of faith where every person can belong.