8. Assimilate or Accommodate
8
Assimilate or Accommodate
Good faith Christians live their convictions and stand out from the crowd.
“Mom, Alex ran up to me at the end of school and said a rumor is going around fifth grade that I don’t like gay people,” said Pierce, Gabe’s son.
Needing more information about this latest chapter of public school life in New York City, Rebekah said, “What happened?”
“During last period, Alisha told me that she had a crush on another girl in our class. I was like, ‘That’s not good. That’s wrong.’ ”
“Really? And what did she say?”
“She was like, ‘Why don’t you like gay people?’ So I told her, ‘I never said that, but I think it’s against God’s laws.’ ”
Uh-oh, Rebekah thought. “You really said that? Out loud?”
Concerned, Rebekah texted me: You have to call me immediately. Pierce just told a kid at school she shouldn’t be gay.
Offended without Warning
Bless his heart. Most kids haven’t finished boarding the politically correct train by age ten, and, without meaning to, Pierce had committed one of our culture’s cardinal sins. Remember that second principle of the new moral code, which 89 percent of Americans espouse?
Thou shalt not criticize another person’s life choices or behavior.
Our public square is rapidly devolving into a place where sharing opinions, especially those that make another person uncomfortable, is off limits. “See something, say something” might work for Homeland Security, but don’t try it with a friend. The new social mantra is “See something, keep your trap shut.”
But avoiding the risk of offending someone or hurting another person’s feelings keeps conversations sterile and impoverished. Don’t get us wrong; sensitivity to others is a good and godly thing. But when risk avoidance prevents honest dialogue or a robust discussion of difficult topics, it’s time for everyone to do some growing up.
Keeping dissenters quiet isn’t just a trend in fifth grade. The drive to create “safe zones” where people are never subjected to opinions or ideas they find offensive can be found everywhere.1 It’s a burgeoning phenomenon on college campuses and in workplaces across America. “It is creating a culture in which everyone must think twice before speaking up, lest they face charges of insensitivity, aggression, or worse.”2
Many of the same young adults pressing for protection from uncomfortable ideas grew up in protective bubbles that society practically made mandatory. From the banning of peanut butter in school cafeterias to snug-fitting bike helmets, their tender years were safeguarded. Instead of “no pain, no gain,” “no gain from pain” would be an apt mantra for the helicopter parents who raised these sensitive souls.
One explanation is the aftermath of the 1999 Columbine school massacre. In the tragedy’s wake, “many schools cracked down on bullying, implementing ‘zero tolerance’ policies. In a variety of ways, children born after 1980—the Millennials—got a consistent message from adults: life is dangerous, but adults will do everything in their power to protect you from harm, not just from strangers but from one another as well.”3
From “trigger warnings” (alerts that college professors must issue if course content might cause a strong emotional response4) to the fight against “micro-aggressions” (unintended or unconscious insults, whether real or perceived, made by nonminorities against minorities), many in the younger generation are emerging into adulthood buffered from harm by safety gates, corner bumpers, and socket covers. Their mental space is so sheltered from cognitive discomfort that, when confronted with an opposing view, they get anxious.
To be fair, Millennials didn’t choose to be overprotected; they’re the losers of their parents’ game. Because protecting people from ideas they’d rather not hear is not only laughable but also ultimately harmful to society. Religious liberty and freedom of speech are rights that can only be put to the test at the distressing intersection of differing ideas. If we run away from that crossroads, these freedoms are simply hypothetical.
Former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg confronted what some have called the “idea police” at Harvard University, and he did it on their own turf. Many people were shocked when, during his 2014 commencement speech, he rebuked political liberals for repressing conservative ideas:
In the 2012 presidential race, 96 percent of all campaign contributions from Ivy League faculty and employees went to Barack Obama. That statistic . . . should give us pause. . . . When 96 percent of faculty donors prefer one candidate to another, you have to wonder whether students are being exposed to the diversity of views that a university should offer. Diversity of gender, ethnicity, and orientation is important. But a university cannot be great if its faculty is politically homogenous.5
Bloomberg was calling for ideas to clash. He understood that the best ideas win in the end and we need not fear beliefs we disagree with. The truth will prevail. Besides, if our beliefs are never subjected to close examination and rigorous argument, how can we feel the confidence that comes with knowing they are true?
Many twentysomethings are naïve to the real ideological conflicts that older generations, for the most part, assume. Instead of a black-and-white world, they navigate personal disagreements and public engagement in the gray. To cope with all that ambiguity, they digest handpicked comments from social media “friends” and “followers” and interact only with those whom they “like” and with those who “like” them. Tone and wit, not logic, win debates. They live in mental solitary confinement—an echo chamber without a door. No ideas get in or out. It’s a safe zone where you can hear yourself talk and feel affirmed when your echo agrees with you.
If you want to be accepted in social settings, the new dogma preaches, hold your tongue or dole out sincere-sounding compliments. Anything else may get you bounced.
I remember fifteen years ago when my coauthor, David, broke the rules. He had noticed that my communication style and manner of leadership, at the ripe old age of twenty-six, were off-putting to my peers. I had no idea. It was a complete blind spot. One day, instead of buttoning his lip or shining me on, he pulled me aside and told me what he was seeing. I was taken aback and embarrassed but then immediately thankful that he cared enough to confront me about a behavior that was unbecoming of the leader I felt called to be.
Some of our most significant learning moments come when a person is bold enough to tell us what we need to hear. As Proverbs 27:6 says, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted” (NIV). It doesn’t mean we always like, agree with, or want to hear it. But the freedom to engage our friends at a deeper level of honesty leads to more real and refreshing relationships. Listen—really listen—to opinions you oppose. By making room for disagreement, you make space for friendship.
Not everyone seeks out this kind of challenge, and many may even want to avoid it. But their relationships are poorer for it. As marriage counselors Les and Leslie Parrot say, conflict leads to intimacy.6 Most of us avoid conflict, thinking life is easier without it. Yet our richest friendships and personal growth opportunities come when we step into the uncomfortable space of conflict, not when we evade it.
Following Jesus radically redefines the ideas by which good faith Christians live. Our relationship with our Creator is reflected in our words and actions. Our faith demands that we adopt a way of life that honors our King.
In some cases, we have to get weird. This isn’t easy. Who wants to be the odd man out, right?
Demonstrating allegiance to King Jesus creates uneasy moments, and we need not seek them out. Merely by faithfully following Christ, we will stand in opposition to a culture that demands our fidelity. As Peter declares in Acts 5:29, “We must obey God rather than human beings!” (NIV). It seems sometimes that it might be easier to go along and get along. But deep in our bones we know that following Jesus requires more.
We have choices to make.
Will we assimilate or accommodate?
Assimilation means embracing the claims, concerns, and commitments of our dominant culture. This is the path of least resistance and will elicit the fewest questions. You will fit right in with the status quo—no hard questions to answer or awkward moments to navigate. Like the disciple Peter, you may be afraid to acknowledge Jesus and the truth that is within you. In the short-term, it may feel wise and socially expedient to avoid the difficult conversations.
Accommodation means you choose a countercultural way. Your life stands out as odd and curious, tethered to a different set of truths. This puts you at odds with culture’s conventional wisdom. You are confident enough, however, to live alongside those with whom you disagree. For good faith Christians, accommodating those we oppose is critical to maintaining a faithful Christian witness. We must support the right of every person to live by his or her conscience. This means finding ways to accommodate one another even when—no, especially when—we hold an opposing view.
With an accommodation viewpoint, we don’t seek out conflict. But when the commitments and claims we’ve made diverge from those of the majority culture, we don’t hesitate to stand out.
The Old Testament book of Daniel provides a picture of standing in humble opposition. According to Daniel 3, the Judean exiles Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego had become provincial leaders in Babylon, a nation that had set itself against the things of God. Somehow, even in exile, they found a way to accommodate this pagan culture without assimilating into it.
But when they were instructed to bow down to the golden image of King Nebuchadnezzar, they stood in boldness—together.
Their non-Jewish peers reported them to the king: “There are some Jews—Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego—whom you have put in charge of the province of Babylon. They pay no attention to you, Your Majesty. They refuse to serve your gods and do not worship the gold statue you have set up” (Dan. 3:12).
These friends lived under a different set of assumptions about the world they inhabited than the surrounding culture, and their actions showed it. Their lives stood in contrast to those of their peers. The social pressure to assimilate was no match for their faithfulness. They said no.
And their boldness changed the future for their people in exile.
When King Nebuchadnezzar ordered the three Hebrews thrown into a white-hot furnace to die for their treason, he saw a fourth figure beside them in the flames. He cried out:
Praise to the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego! He sent his angel to rescue his servants who trusted in him. They defied the king’s command and were willing to die rather than serve or worship any god except their own God. Therefore, I make this decree: If any people, whatever their race or nation or language, speak a word against the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, they will be torn limb from limb, and their houses will be turned into heaps of rubble. There is no other god who can rescue like this! (Dan. 3:28–29).
The king not only accommodated their view but also protected them from others who would not be so accommodating. Obviously, we are not advocating that those who disagree should be cut to pieces—we’re in favor of confident pluralism, after all, not barbarism. But Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego show us the undeniable power of a small group standing for what they believe.
Good faith Christians can sustain a similar humble opposition only if we are prepared and in community. It really can feel like social suicide to adhere to biblical ideas that contradict the ideas our world easily embraces. But we must not grow weary in doing well.
In the “church of culture,” the greatest sin you can commit is saying someone else is wrong. No matter how nicely you disagree, it is a real possibility that you could be thrown into the proverbial furnace reserved for social outcasts and cultural traitors. The fact that you disagree is enough to convict you, as Pierce found out at school. One-third of Americans say that anyone who believes same-sex relationships are wrong is intolerant. We’re not talking about bullying gay kids or evicting a lesbian couple from their apartment—just believing that God’s intention for sexuality does not include gay sex.
Being faithful often demands that we express ideas that conflict with the majority culture’s claims, concerns, and commitments. What Christians believe about sin, human purpose, identity, and ultimate meaning is at odds with the beliefs of many others. But we can’t stay quiet.
After my plane touched down in Dallas, I got Rebekah’s text message.
From the tarmac, I called to get the story. Rebekah gave me a summary, and then she put Pierce on the phone.
“Pierce, what happened?”
Sheepish, Pierce told me his story. “I just know it’s not right. In the moment, the words just came out. I’m sorry, Dad.”
“Oh, son, don’t be sorry. You lived out what you believe, and that’s all I can ask for.”
After more encouragement, I hung up. But I knew I needed to take it further. So I sat down and wrote a letter to Pierce not only to affirm him but also to coach him through what could be a really tough day at school the next day. It read:
Pierce,
Son, I’m so very proud of you.
FIRST. Today you showed conviction and boldness to state your opinion on how God uniquely designed boys and girls differently. You can’t expect that all the other kids will feel the same way. In fact, many of them have been told by their parents that boys liking boys and girls liking girls is okay, even to be celebrated. When you say, “Being gay is wrong,” they are very offended because they’ve been taught to believe anyone who thinks being gay is wrong is a bad person. Remember how we’ve talked about this world being upside down? What’s right is often thought to be wrong. What’s wrong is made to seem right. This is a perfect example of that happening. It’s okay though. Part of being a Christian is recognizing that we live by different rules than many other people around us. We trust God’s words in the Bible and the life of Jesus even if they don’t make sense to others.
Now, when you hear people say their opinions—even if you disagree with them—you must always respect them. Jesus says that the first and greatest commandment is “to love God with all your heart” and the second is “to love thy neighbor as thyself.” You scored a 100 percent on the first commandment and maybe a 75 percent on the second. Which brings me to the next important point.
SECOND. As a Christian, showing love to all people, even if you disagree with their opinion, is critical for you, Pierce. Loving your neighbor means being a good friend even when they say something with which you disagree. Otherwise they will think you don’t care about them or that you think you are better than them.
TOMORROW, when you go to school, friends may approach you. If someone says to you, “Why don’t you like gay people, Pierce?” You could respond by sharing your heart the way you did with me tonight.
“I never said I don’t like gay people. I love all people. I believe God made our world so that boys would like girls and girls would like boys. I know you may disagree, and I respect that. But that is my honest opinion.”
Pierce, be prepared that not only students but even teachers may disagree with you. And that’s okay. Jesus tells us that people who don’t know him will be confused about what is good. You need to understand this is an example of a spiritual battle you are facing. It requires courage to follow Jesus in a culture that does not. You can trust that God’s Word is true.
I wish I could be with you and give you a huge hug right now. Instead, I’ll pray courage for you tonight as you drift off to sleep. God is with you. He loves you and all your friends at school so much. Sometimes it feels lonely to stand up for what you believe, but you are not alone.
I love you.
Dad
Accommodating other views creates difficult conversations. But speaking with love and grace, holding to our convictions, and living counterculturally will go a long way toward seeing truth prevail—even when our views don’t align with everyone else’s.
Faithfulness is not easy. Traveling this new landscape will require an unshakable commitment to knowing how the world and human beings were designed to operate. But perhaps even more important, it will require an unshakable commitment to love. Love that helps our families navigate the many difficult conversations that lie ahead, and love that speaks and acts with respect for those with whom we disagree.