3: Of the Workings of Her Soul In and After This Sickness
3
OF THEWORKINGS OF HER SOUL
IN AND AFTER THIS SICKNESS
[Richard first presents three documents that Margaret wrote in connection with the day of thanksgiving for her recovery. A personal statement of matters for thanksgiving and prayer, which she offered as an agenda to the prayer warriors, is followed by two private outpourings on paper, one a renewal of her personal covenant with God and one a long, ruthlessly honest, self-censuring, and self-encouraging account of her restless spiritual state, finished and signed at midnight on the thanksgiving day. Richard then prints a pastoral letter from himself, chiding her for yielding to fear and unbelief and not being more open about her spiritual struggles, and adds to this three more written messages from herself to herself expressing different facets of her resolve to cleave to God fully.]
Since she was of too timorous and tender a nature, and the sharp work of her repentance was yet upon her spirit: for death to come and seem to summon her away to eternity at such a season and in such an unsettled state, must needs greatly increase her fears, when the strongest long-experienced Christians find it no easy work to die in peace and willing resignation. But she had always a concealing temper, which made it never the easier within.
When God had recovered her, her mother invited those that fasted and prayed for her to keep a day of thanksgiving for her deliverance. I asked her what she would have us give thanks for particularly? And in the morning as we began, she (that was recovered) gave us this following paper:
My life hath been a life of very great mercies, and these have aggravated my sin in overlooking them. Some of those which God hath most affected my heart with, I shall here mention; but alas! with a heart very insensible to the greatness of them.
My mother’s restoration first I thank God for; and next for many mercies of mine own. Four times before this I have been delivered from great danger of death.11
And now I desire to acknowledge his mercy in delivering me from this death-threatening disease, and that in answer to prayers I am here now in competent health to speak of the goodness of the Lord.
I desire to acknowledge it a mercy that God should afflict me; and though I cannot with the Psalmist say, But now I keep thy statutes; I can say, Before I was afflicted I went astray. And how many great sins God hath prevented by this affliction, I cannot tell; but I am sure that God hath dealt very graciously with me; and I have had many comforts in my sufferings, which God hath not given to many of his beloved ones.
I desire to acknowledge God’s great mercy to me in bringing me to this town, under so useful means of grace; and that at such time when I was ready to engage in a course of sin and vanity beyond what I had formerly lived in. This mercy is made much greater by the time; for had the Lord brought me hither in infancy and removed me at riper years, the mercy would not have been so great. And if I had gone longer on in a course of hardening sins, it had been less than now it is.
I desire to acknowledge it a great mercy that I want no outward thing, but am enabled to be helpful unto others and have all the temporal mercies I can well desire for my encouragement in the ways of God.
I desire to acknowledge it a great mercy that God hath given me an interest in the hearts and prayers of so many of his faithful servants in this place.
I desire to acknowledge it a great mercy that God hath made me the child of godly parents, and a child of many prayers.
I desire to acknowledge it a great mercy, which I can never be thankful enough for, that God hath given me a heart in any measure willing to acknowledge his mercies and be thankful for them; and that notwithstanding all that sin and Satan hath done to hinder it, he hath made me desirous this day to give up myself and all that I have to him, taking him only for my God and my chief felicity.
And now the requests that I desire you to make on my behalf are these:
That he will give me a more thankful soul, that I may praise him all my days.
And an humble heart, that I may be taught of God, who looketh on the proud afar off.
And a tender conscience, that I may fear to offend him and hate all sin.
And strength so to resist temptations, that I be not led by Satan to dishonor God or to provoke him.
And a meek and quiet frame of spirit, that I may be contented to bear the afflictions that God shall lay me under without murmuring or repining.
This being that which she gave us, I find under her hand this secret renewal that same day of her covenant with God, which I annex.
This being a day set apart for returning thanks to God for his mercy in delivering me from the gates of death, these people being they that have earnestly supplicated the throne of grace on my behalf, I here now renew my covenant with the almighty God and resolve by his grace to endeavor to get and keep a fresh sense of his mercy on my soul, and a greater sense yet of my sin; I resolve to set myself against my sin with all my might, and not to take its part or extenuate it or keep the devil’s counsel, as I have done, to the wrongdoing of God and the wounding of my own soul. I resolve by God’s assistance to set upon the practice of known duty, and not to study shifts and evasions to put off those duties which are either troublesome, chargeable [i.e., costing money], or likely to render me dishonorable and vile in the eyes of the carnal persons of the world. And this I do upon these considerations and for these reasons.
My life hath been a life of great mercy. God hath preserved it more than this once and hath done exceeding great things for me, which engageth me more than many others, though all rational creatures are obliged to live to God their Maker.
God hath not only given me life, but in some measure ability and opportunity to do him service; yea, and already some encouragement in the hopes of the success of some of my poor endeavors. [I suppose on some of her servants.]12 God hath more engaged me to himself by taking me into his family and planting me in his garden and watering me with the dew from heaven. He hath set me in a fruitful soil; he hath given me the high privilege of a part in the hearts and prayers of his people; and I may say that I live to speak it, that God is a God who hears prayers, and hath heard and answered them. Though the tempter be busy to make me think diminutively of this great mercy, yet I must not, but must acknowledge the greatness of it.
As all these and more engagements are upon me, so I am already engaged by the baptismal covenant to God the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost; and to the Father as my God and chief good and only happiness; and to the Son as my Redeemer, Head, and Husband; and to the Holy Ghost as my Sanctifier and Comforter; and I have renewed it in the sacrament of the Lord’s Supper; and how can I go back that have thus far engaged myself and daily receive from God more obligations? Yea, God will expect more from me than from many others. Let me therefore see that I be in good earnest with God and think not to put him off with hypocrisy. Let me not deceive myself, for God will not be mocked; what I sow, I shall reap. If I belong to God, though I suffer whilst I am in the body, they will be but light afflictions and but for a moment; but the everlasting Kingdom will be mine inheritance. And when this life is ended, I shall reign with Christ; I shall be freed from sin and suffering and forever rejoice with saints and angels. But should I prove a hypocrite, I lose my labor, I lose my God; and damnation with devils and damned ones will be my reward forever, and this the greater as my mercies have been abundant and great.
Therefore I here desire this day to renew my covenant with God and to beg the prayers of this people that God will not leave me to myself, but help me (by the sufficient grace of Christ) to keep the covenant which I have made. And I intend to keep this paper by me, to help to remind me, to quicken me to duty and hinder me from sin, and to encourage me to go on cheerfully against temptations, looking still to Christ, who forsaketh not those that by faith and repentance come to him.
To all this let me add these considerations of the vanity of the creature and of all false hopes.
It is contrary to the nature of the creature [i.e., of created things] to be our peace; they are our discomforts and troubles, further than they help to lead us to the Creator. Let me not forget the time when I seemed near death. What comfort had I then in creatures? What ease from them? Was not all my hope in God? All creatures showed me that side of themselves on which vanity was written, and they had nothing that could satisfy my soul. Though I had as much mercy in means and friends as I could possibly desire, yet all this was nothing to me. The trouble of parting with them was much more than the comfort of enjoying them; and so it will be with me still, which should teach me to keep my heart loose from the creature and not over-love anything on this side of heaven. Why should my heart be fixed where my home is not? Heaven is my home, God in Christ is all my happiness, and where my treasure is, there my heart should be. Come away, O my heart, from vanity; mount heavenward, and be not dead or dull if thou wouldst be free from trouble, and taste of real joy and pleasure. Hath not experience yet taught thee, that creature comforts, though they may be roses, have their pricks? Canst not thou be content to look on them and smell them at a distance, and covet no other use of them while thou art in the garden where they grow, and be content to leave them behind thee? If thou must needs have them in thy bosom, thou must scratch thy fingers to get them; and when thou hast them, though the smell awhile delight thee, they will quickly wither and are gone. Away then, O my carnal heart! retire to God, the only satisfying object. There mayest thou love without all danger of excess! Let thy love to God be fixed and transcendent. Amen.
Though these were the strivings of her heart towards God, her fears and troubles did not so pass away; settled peace of soul doth seldom come quickly to young converts, though their sincere resolutions may be settled. I find among her papers yet more of that day’s work, following upon her subsequent examination and review. Bear with the length, if I transcribe it as I find it under her hand.
Christ saith: In the world ye shall have trouble; in me ye shall have peace. Something of both now I find at this time. This night, after returning thanks to God for my recovery, I find my heart sad, and trouble upon my spirit; and well it may be so, for the sins of this day have been very great. My heart hath not answered the expressions of thanks which have been uttered by the mouths of those that spake them to God. No! No, my heart hath not stirred and been drawn out towards my God! The thought of his love hath not ravished my soul. Alas! I scarce felt any holy spark to warm my soul this day. This day, which was a day of the greatest mercy of any in all my life, the day in which I have had an opportunity to give thanks for all the mercies of my life, and thanks itself is a greater mercy than the rest—all other mercies are to prepare for this. This is the work of a glorified saint, even a saint in heaven before the blessed face of God. It is his everlasting business to sing the songs of thanks- giving and praise to the Most High. But my thoughts have not been filled with the sweet foretastes of this blessed work which I might have had this day! O God! I beseech thee to forgive my sin and lay not my deadness to my charge, but overlook my transgressions and look on me in Jesus Christ, my Savior. I am thine, Lord, and not mine own. This day I have under my hand and seal in the presence of witnesses, nay, in thine own presence (who art Witness sufficient, were there no eye to see me or ear to hear me), thou Lord that knowest all things, knowest that I have devoted my all to thee. Take it and accept my sacrifice. Help me to pay my vows! Wilt thou not accept me because I do it not more sincerely and believingly? O wilt thou strengthen my weak desires! I believe, Lord, help my unbelief. Thou that canst make me what I am not, O make me what thou wouldst have me be! In thee there is all fulness, and to thee I desire to come by Christ. Wilt thou now cast me off, because I do it not unreservedly? Lord, I confess the devil tempteth, and the flesh saith, Spare something: What! let all go? And I find in me a carnal selfish principle, ready to close with [i.e., give in to] the temptation. But thou canst prevent and conquer all, and speak death to these corruptions, and bid the tempter be gone. It is thy pleasure here to suffer thy dear children to be tempted; but suffer not temptations to prevail against thy Spirit and grace. If temptation be like a torrent of water to smother, quench, or hide the flame, yet wilt thou never let all the sparks of thy grace be put out in the soul where once thou hast truly kindled it. But, Lord! suffer not such floods to fall in my soul, where the spark is so small already that it is even scarce discernible. O quicken it, and blow it up to a holy flame. Most gracious God! O do it here who hast done it for many a soul! O what have I said? that I have a spark of grace! why the least spark is worth ten thousand times more thanks than I can ever express! And I have been dead and unthankful, as is before confessed. And is that a sign of grace? Unthankful, dead, and dull have I been, and still am; but yet it must needs be from God’s gift in me that I have any desires after him, and that this day I have desired to devote myself to him, and that I can say I would be more holy and more heavenly even as the Lord would have me be. Nay, I do not know the time when I had none of these desires and had no mind to God and the ways of godliness; and do I not know that there be many in this condition who have no desires after Christ and holiness? Here then is a matter of comfort given me from him that doth accept the desires of his poor creatures, even the Lord Christ, who will not quench the smoking flax nor break the bruised reed. I see then that I have yet matter of rejoicing, and must labor to be so humbled for my remaining sins, as may tend to my future joy in believing; but not so as to be discouraged and frightened from God, who is longsuffering and abundant in mercy. Rouse up thyself then to God, my soul. Humbly but believingly repent that thou hast been so unthankful and insensible of the benefits this day received. Up, up and lie not down so heavily; God hath heard prayers for thee and given thee life and opportunity to serve him. He hath given thee all the outward mercies thy heart can desire. He hath given thee dear, godly, able friends, such as can help thee in the way to heaven; yea, he hath set them to beg spiritual mercies for thee, who prevailed for temporal mercies for thee, and oft for many others; why then shouldst thou not watch and pray and wait in hope that he hath heard their prayers this day for thy soul, as formerly for thy body? They are things commanded of God to be asked, and we have his promise that seeking we shall find. It may be this night that many of God’s dear children will yet pray for my soul. I doubt not some will, and shall I not be glad of such advantage? I heard this day that I must not forbear thanks, because the mercies are yet imperfect (else we should never give thanks on earth). Though therefore my grace be yet but a spark, and weak, my body weak, my heart sad, all these administer matter of thanks and praise as well as of supplication. Let me therefore keep close to both, they being the life of my life while I live here; and having daily need of supply from God, let me be daily with him and live as in his presence. Let him be the chief in all my thoughts, my heart and life. And let me remember to be earnest for my poor relations and dear friends, and the church and the people of God in general. And let me strive to keep such a moderate sense of sorrow in my soul, as occasion requireth. I have now cause of sorrow for parting with my dear friend, my father, my pastor.13 He is by Providence called away, and going a long journey: What the Lord will do with him I cannot foresee. It may be he is preparing some great mercy for us and for his praise. I know not but such a day as this may be kept here on his account. The will of the Lord be done, for he is wise and good: We are his own, let him do with us what he pleaseth. All shall be for good to them that love God. I have cause to be humbled that I have been so unprofitable under mercies and means of grace; it may grieve me, now he is gone, that there is so little that came from him left upon my soul. O let this quicken and stir me up to be more diligent in the use of all the remaining helps and means. And if ever I should enjoy this mercy again, O let me make it appear that this night I was sensible of my neglect of it.
And now here is comfort, that I have to deal with a God of mercy that will hear a poor repenting sinner; a God that will in no wise cast out those that come to him, but loveth whom he loveth to the end. This is the God whom I have chosen and taken as my portion; the same God is his [i.e., Baxter’s] God, his Guide and Comforter. The whole world is but a little house where God’s children dwell a little while till he hath fitted them for the heavenly mansions. And if he send them out of one room into another to do his work and try their obedience, and if he put some in the darkest corners of his house to keep them humble, though he separate those that are most beloved of each other, it is only so that they may not love so much as to be loath to part and come to him who should have all their love. However it fareth with his children in this house (or howling wilderness), the time will come, and is at hand, when all the children shall be separate from the rebels, and be called home to dwell with their Father, their Head and Husband; and the elect shall be gathered into one. Then farewell sorrow, farewell hard heart! farewell tears and sad repentance! And then blessed saints that have believed and obeyed! Never so unworthy, crowned thou must be! This was the project of redeeming love! When the Lord shall take our carcases from the grave, and make us shine as the sun in glory; then, then shall friends meet and never part, and remember their sad and weary nights and days no more! Then may we love freely! What now is wanting to dispel all sorrow from my heart? Nothing but the greater hopes that I shall be one of this number. This, this can do it. No matter if I had no friend near me, and none on earth; if God be not far from me, it’s well enough; and whatever here befalls the church and people of God, it’s but as for one day, and presently the storm will be all over. Let me therefore cast all my care on God. Let me wait on him in the way of duty, and trust him; let me run with patience the race that is set before me, looking to Jesus, the Author and Finisher of my faith, and believingly go to him in all my troubles; and let me so labor here, that I may find rest to my soul in the rest that remaineth for the people of God.14
Rest! O sweet word! The weary shall have rest, they shall rest in the Lord.
April 1015 on Thursday night at twelve of the clock; a day and night never to be forgotten by the least of all God’s mercies, yea, less than the least, thy unworthy, unthankful, hardhearted creature,
M. CHARLTON
Is not here in all these papers (which I saw not till she was dead) a great deal of work for one day, besides all the public work of a thanksgiving day? If I should give you an account of all her following twenty-one years, what a volume would it amount to! If you ask why I recite all this, which is but matter well known to ordinary Christians, I answer: It is not a matter of knowledge, but of soul workings toward God. Is not this extraordinary in a convert of a year or few months standing? The love of God, and her, makes me think it worth the publishing. They that think otherwise may pass it by, but there are souls to whom it will be savory and profitable.
Yet she continued under great fears that she had not saving grace because she had not that degree of holy affection which she desired; and before in her sickness, her fears increased her disease and danger. I will here, for the use of others in the like case, recite some scraps of a letter of counsel as I find them transcribed by herself.
I advise you to set more effectually to the means of your necessary consolation; your strange silent keeping your case to yourself (from your mother, and all your friends) is an exceeding injury to your peace. Is it God, or Satan, that hindereth you from opening [i.e., disclosing] your sore . . . and make you think that concealment is your wisdom? If it be pride that forbids it, how dare you obey such a commander? Many of our sores are half healed when well opened. If prudence foresees some forbidding inconvenience, you have prudent friends, and two prudent persons may see more than one. But because you will not tell us, I will disjunctively [i.e., in either-or terms] tell it you.
Your trouble of soul is either some affliction, or some sin, or the doubt of your sincerity and true grace.
If it be affliction, dare you so indulge impatience as to give up your hope of future comforts, while you have God’s love and title to salvation? Dare you say that these are of so small weight that a cross like yours will weigh them down? and that you will not rejoice in all the promises of life eternal, till your cross be removed?
If it be sin, it is either past or present; if past, why do you not repent and thankfully accept your pardon? If present, it is inward corruption or outward transgression. Whichever it be, if you love it, why do you grieve for it and groan under it? If you grieve for it, why are you not willing to leave it and be holy? If you are willing to leave it, and would fain have God’s grace in the use of his means to make you holy, this is the true nature of repentance. And why then are you not thankful for grace received, for pardon, adoption, and your part in Christ, more than you are troubled for remaining in sin? Should none rejoice that have sin to trouble them and keep them in a daily watch and war? Read Romans 7 and 8, if you will see the contrary: If any man sin, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous, and he is the propitiation for our sins. Dare you refuse your comforts on such reasons as would deny comfort to all the world? He that saith he hath no sin is a liar; and will you for this deny the known duty of thanks and praise for all that you have received? You have been taught to differentiate between cause of doubting and cause of filial humiliation. And if it were any particular sin that needs particular help and counsel, why do you not open it for help (which probably would do more against it than many years’ secret trouble and dejection alone will do)?
If it be doubts of your sincerity and grace, why do you refuse to reason the case and say what it is that persuadeth you that you are graceless, that we may try it by the Word of God?
What evidence is it that you want? You have confessed that sometimes you are convinced of your sincerity; and can you so easily deny what you have found as to conclude yourself so miserable as you do? Should all do thus that have not constant apprehensions of their evidence, and whose assurance is hindered by imperfections? You have heard the contrary.
But suppose that you have yet no saving grace or part in Christ, why stand you complaining while Christ stands entreating you to accept his mercy? Is he not in good earnest? The offer is free; it is not your purchase and merit, but consent that will prove your title. Why do you complain and not consent even to the baptismal covenant? Or if you consent, why do you complain as if Christ’s promise were not true, or as if consent were not a proof of saving faith? If you confess that you should not doubt and be dejected on such terms, methinks the cure should be half wrought. Dare you indulge it while you know it to be your sin? Have you not sin enough already? And is it not unkindness to deny so great a mercy as the converting grace which you so lately felt, and to suspect his love who is love itself and hath so largely expressed his love to you? Would you easily believe that your mother would kill you for such defects as you fear that God will damn you for? Yea, though she were perfectly just and holy? Is it consistent to hear ministers tell men that Christ beseecheth them to be reconciled to God and will refuse none that are willing of his grace and cure, and at the same time to hear such as you almost willing to despair, as if God would not be reconciled, nor give grace to them that fain would have it, but will be inclined to reject humbled souls?
Reason not for your distrustful fears and sorrows, but constantly disown them and accuse them, and then they will vanish by degrees and die: Yea, then you will sure oppose them yourself and God will help you. Can you look that God should help you against the sin which you plead for and defend? If faith and love be the vital graces, distrust of God and denying of his love must not be defended as no sin. As the ungodly cannot expect the grace which they refuse, so how can you expect the peace which you oppose, and say as Psalm 77: My soul refuseth to be comforted, and say of your passionate fear and grief, as Jonah of his anger: I do well to be angry, even unto death? Be convinced that Christ is yours, if you accept him and consent, and then that comfort is your interest, right, and duty; and then you will do more to comfort yourself than I am endeavoring when I chide you for your fears. Sure sinful sorrow is no desirable thing, nor to be pleaded for. You durst do nothing to the murder of a friend, no, nor to his grief; and you are bid to love your neighbor as yourself; away then with your weakening griefs mid troubles, lest they prove a degree of self-murder. If you care for yourself, the comfort of your mother and friends, and the honor of the unspeakable riches of God’s grace, at least own it to be your duty to oppose sinful fear, to rejoice in God and serve him with delight and cheerful praises, and to do your best against all that is against this duty. And suffer not your sore to fester by your silence, but open your case to someone who is able to help you impartially to try it by the Word of God and to pray with you that God will mercifully show you your infirmities and the remedy. It would be wisdom to conceal your case from others only if you could well be cured without their help.
Some strivings against her fears and sorrows I find next in this paper following, dated by her April third.16
The sadder my present condition is, the greater is the mercy that I am yet alive: Why then should I not give God thanks for that, and beg the rest which yet I want? And though my life seem but a burden to me sometimes, it is my great mistake; for the greatest afflictions are nothing to hell-torments. Were they as great as ever any had, while I am alive on this side of eternity, there is hope. The time of grace is yet continued; if I be found in mercy’s way, I know not but God may yet be gracious, and give me my soul as he hath done my life at his people’s prayers. For I cannot but look on my life as an answer of their prayers. And surely they desired my life only that I might live to God. I desired it myself on no other terms. It was my earnest request that I might not live, if not to him. Why then should I be persuaded by Satan to think that God will not give me grace as well as life? May I not rather be encouraged with patience to wait for further mercy? It is a mercy that I am in any measure more aware of my danger and have any desire to be holy. I will therefore stir up my soul to thankfulness and be humbled that I can be no more thankful. I will acknowledge the mercy I have received and the probability of future mercy, and this by God’s assistance the devil shall not hinder me from doing.
I will add one of her papers containing her resolutions after her recovery in some few particulars.
December 30 was my worst day. I did not then think to be alive this day: I ought not to forget it. On Jan. 1, New Year’s Day, I first bled at the nose largely and after mended. The fourth day was kept in humiliation for me. April 10 was set as a day of thanksgiving.
When I thought I should die, I was more than ordinarily aware of my unprofitable life, and had such convictions as usually people in my condition have; and I then made many resolutions as in such cases others do. I had remembered that I had heard much of the promises that many made in sickness, which they never performed; and I thought it was gross hypocrisy to speak now of that which I was past performing (as I thought), but that I had better write down my purposes and announce them if God recovered me, that they might be as strong an engagement on me as if I had spoken them to men.
I. I resolved that I would endeavor to get and keep a sense of that great mercy of God’s restoring me from the peril of threatened death in answer of prayers, which was the greater in that God threatened to take me hence when I was but in the birth and had scarce well begun to live. This mercy I promised to be thankful for and to acknowledge other mercies as God should make me able.
II. I resolved that I would endeavor to be in a fixed state and way of duty; and in order to this, I would take advice of one who is (I conceive) most fit to advise me.17 And I resolved by God’s assistance that I will not consult with flesh and blood nor study my carnal interest, but resolvedly set on the way of duty and freely discourse my thoughts, so far as is requisite to my just advice. And that I will speak my reasons and heart-risings against anything that is propounded to me which I judge unmeet. And I resolved when I saw my duty cheerfully to do it, and keep a sense of the sweetness and obligations of God’s love and mercy.
III. I resolved to pray and labor for a true sense of the sins of this nation in general, and in particular of the sins of my relations and of my own. And that till it please God to give me cause of rejoicing on the behalf of my relations and of my own soul’s recovery and spiritual welfare, I will continue with humiliation to supplicate the Lord. And though I would not shut out a greater duty by a lesser, yet I will avoid all manner of feastings as much as I well can, and all noxious, sensual delights; and when I must be present, I will use some mortifying restraint. And this I would do in my habit, and all other things, but that I would lay no snare on myself by renouncing what occasions may oblige me to, but by all means I would strive to keep upon my heart a sense of my friends’ danger and my own.
IV. I resolve, if Providence concur, to go to London as soon as I can after the day of thanksgiving, for the reasons mentioned in another place.
What these reasons were I find not. This following fragment of hers hints something of it:
I begin already to be aware of my misusing the helps which God had given me. I know now how I should love ordinances and means of grace, and to what end: not to break my heart when Providence removeth them from me or me from them, but I should love them for God and use them for him, and expect my greatest comfort from him and not from men and means themselves. This is no more than what I thought I had known long ago, but I never knew it indeed till now. And now I do but begin to know it. When I felt my heart ready to sink under a burden of sorrow, God was pleased to ask me what I ailed? Was my condition worse than ever? Had I less hopes of his love than heretofore? If not, why do I mourn more than when I lay under that curse? What is it that I have chosen for my hope and happiness? Is that lost and gone? Am I left in such a place and case as God cannot be found in if I truly seek him? or that God cannot sweeten with his presence? If not, why do I not contentedly thank God for what I have already had? I cannot say it’s better that I had never had it than now to leave it. No, I must be willing to submit to God and be humbled in the sense of my abuse of mercy, so far as it may quicken me to diligence for the time to come. And if ever God more trust me with such treasure as once I had, I will strive to show that I better know the worth of it than I did before. My thoughts often tell me that if I were but in a condition in which I had opportunity to serve God with more cost to the flesh than here I do, it would either show my hypocrisy or give me more assuming evidence that I am indeed sincere.
And it is a useful note that I find added to this by her:
If my trouble be for my sin, my care will be more for the removing of my sin than of the affliction.
And if God should take away the affliction it would not content me, unless sin be taken away and my heart amended.
If it be sin that I am troubled for, it will be my great care not to sin in my trouble.
And if it be my sin that troubleth me, I have the more cause to submit to God’s hand and silently bear the punishment of my iniquity. It shameth murmuring when we truly look on sin the cause, though it bring the wholesome sorrow of repentance.
And if I mourn for fear lest God be departing, I should seek him and cleave the closer to him and not depart from God, and then he will not depart from me.