10: Some Uses Proposed to the Reader from This History, as the Reasons Why I Wrote It
10
SOME USES PROPOSED TO THE
READER FROM THIS HISTORY, AS THE
REASONSWHY IWROTE IT
[Richard explains how his narrative confirms the reality of the regenerating work of grace and the truth of the Scriptures that describe it, and draws from the story all sorts of lessons about conversion and the Christian life and the burdens that accompany the blessings of marriage.]
If this narrative be useless to the readers, it must needs be the sin of the author, for idle writing is worse than idle words; but I think it useful (with that which followeth) to all these ends to considering men.
It may help to convince those that are inclined to Sadducism, or infidelity, and believe not the testimony of the sanctifying Spirit as to the truth of the Word of God; but take holiness, as it differs from heathen morality, to be but fancy, hypocrisy, custom, or self-conceit. A man that never felt the working of God’s special grace in his own heart is hardly brought to believe that others have that which he never had himself. And this turneth usually to diabolical malignity, inclining them to hate those, and revile or despise them as deluded, proud, fanatic hypocrites, who pretend to be any better than they are or to have that which they take to be but a conceit. All their religious thoughts they take for the dreams of crazed or proud persons; and their holy discourse and prayers, but for canting and vain babbling. But acquaintance, if intimate with gracious persons, might convince them of their moral error; and true history methinks may do much toward it.
I confess, with thanks to God, that having these forty years found that all our holiness and comfort depends upon our certain persuasion of the life of retribution following, and that our certainty of this depends upon our certain belief of the Holy Scriptures; and we being here in the dark, and too apt to doubt of all that we see not, there are several first-hand experiences or present certainties which have been a great succor to my faith, to save me from temptations to unbelief and doubting and confirm my assurance that the Scripture is God’s Word.
1. In that I undoubtedly see and hear that through all the world there is just such depravity in human nature as the Scripture describeth for [i.e., as constituting] original sin; which condition cannot be the state of man’s integrity, when his reason is much convinced of much of the duty to God, man, and himself which he will not do, and of most of the great sins which he will not forsake.
2. I see the Scripture clearly verified in mentioning the common enmity and war between the serpent’s and the holy seed; it is notorious through the world, in all ages and countries, an enmity which no relation or interest reconcileth.
3. I feel and see the Scripture verified, which describeth all the temptations of Satan, and the secret war within us between the spirit and the flesh.
4. And I feel and see the Scripture fulfilled, which promiseth a blessing on God’s Word and his ordinances.
5. And I feel and see the Scripture fulfilled, which describeth the renewing work of the Holy Ghost and the spiritual difference of the sanctified from others. This is not only in myself, but in others (O how many hundred holy persons have I known) the witness of Christ’s truth and power; and is as Joshua’s and Caleb’s bunch of grapes to assure me of the land of promise and God’s truth, which I see fulfilled in them. Can I doubt of holiness when I feel it and see it in the effects?
6. Even as it persuadeth me the easier to believe that there are devils, when I see their very nature and works in devils incarnate, and see what a kingdom Satan plainly ruleth in the world; and to believe that there is a hell when I see so much of hell on earth.
It may teach us that the state of godliness is not to be judged of by the fears and sorrows in which it usually begins. A man’s life is not like his infancy at his birth. The fears and penitent sorrows, which foolishly fleshly sinners fly from, do tend to everlasting peace and joy; and perfect love will cast out all tormenting fears, unless it be those of a timorous diseased temper which have more of sickness than of sin and will be laid aside with the body, which was their cause. A life of peace and joy on earth may succeed the tremblings of the newborn convert; but a life of full everlasting joy will certainly succeed the perseverance and victory of every believing holy soul.
It may warn all to take heed of expecting too much from so frail and bad a thing as man. My dear wife did look for more good in me than she found, especially lately in my weakness and decay. We are all like pictures that must not be looked on too near. They that come near us find more faults and badness in us than others at a distance know.
It should greatly warn us to take notice of small beginnings; even a spark of affection, honest in the kind, may kindle a flame not easily quenched. How great a matter may a little fire kindle! Almost all sin beginneth in a seed or spark which is very hardly known to be a sin or danger.
Yea, it should warn all to keep all the thoughts, affections, and passions under a constant watch and obedience to God, and know first whether God command them and allow them.
And this history may teach us that, though God usually begins (as is said) our conversion in fears and penitent sorrows, it is holy and heavenly joy which it tendeth to, as more desirable; and we should chiefly seek and should labor to moderate fear and sorrow, and not think we can never have enough. It is too common an error with hon- est souls to think that a hard heart lieth most in want of sorrow and tears, when as it lieth most in want of a tractable compliance and yielding to the commands and will of God, and in an iron neck and obstinate disobedience to God; and to think that a new and tender heart is principally a heart that can weep and mourn, when it is chiefly a heart that easily receiveth all the impressions of God’s commands and promises and threats, and easily yieldeth to his known will.
And this may greatly warn us to fear and avoid self-willedness; I mean a will of our own that runs before the will of God and is too much set on anything which God hath not promised; and knows not how to bear frustration or denial, but saith as Rachel: Give it me, or I die. We must learn to follow and not to lead, and to say: The will of the Lord be done; not mine, Lord, but thine; and in every estate to be content. There is no rest but in God’s will.
Yet this tells us that God dealeth better with his weak servants than they deserve, and turneth that oft time to their good, which they deserved should have been their greatest suffering.
This history (and my great experience) saith that there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother, Proverbs 18:24; and that it was God’s Spirit that said, Proverbs 27:10: Thy own friend, and thy father’s friend forsake not; neither go into thy brother’s house in the day of thy calamity: for better is a neighbor that is near than a brother that is far off.
This history tells us how great a mercy it is to have a body meet to serve the soul, and how great an affliction to have an unruly inclination from the body’s temper; and what a tyrant excessive fear is, and how great a blessing it is to have such a passion as faith can rule, and easily quiet.
It tells you also how manifold temptations and affliction God’s servants are liable to in this life.
And it tells you that our greatest good or evil is nearest us. Next God, the best is in our souls, and there is the worst; and next in our bodies, and next in our nearest friends. And it may teach all to expect their greatest sorrows from those or that which they most excessively love, and from whom they have the highest expectations. Only God cannot be loved more than he deserveth. Sorrow beginneth in inordinate love to and joy in what is good.
And it tells us that God’s service lieth more in deeds than in words. My dear wife was faulty indeed in talking so little of religion in company (except it were unresistable to confute in few words an opposer or reviler of religion). But her religion lay in doing more than talk. Yet her example tells us that it is one of Satan’s wiles to draw us to one sin to avoid another, and to make us think that nothing is a duty that hath great inconveniences, or which we can foresee some men will receive hurt from; and so to be unrighteous by being righteous overmuch, and leave much undone for fear of doing it amiss; by which rule we should scarce ever do anything that God commands. He that observeth the wind shall not sow, and he that regardeth the clouds shall not reap, Ecclesiastes 11:4. I speak this on her (at last confessed) error of omitting reasonable speech and duty for fear of hypocrisy and ostentation (which my great friend, Judge Hale,44 was just so guilty of, as I know, and the writers of his Life confess; he would make no great show of zeal in religion lest, if he did anything amiss, religion should be reproached for his sake). Cardinal Richelieu was wont to say (as is written of him) that he hated no counselor more than those that were always saying: Let us do it better, by that hindering the doing of much at all.
You see here, that suitableness in religious judgment and disposition preserveth faster love and concord (as it did with us) than suitableness in age, education, and wealth; but yet those should not be imprudently neglected. Nothing causeth so near and fast and comfortable an union as to be united in one God, one Christ, one Spirit, one church, one hope of heavenly glory; yet accidental unsuitableness should be avoided as far as may be.
There are some great men who know their own names, who (as I have most credible information) have, to greater than themselves, represented me not only as covetous, but as mutable for my marriage.
To whom I now give this satisfaction. As to covetousness, my vindication is a matter unfit for the ears of the world, if reverend men’s backbitings (the same that troubles our common peace) did not make it partly necessary. Through God’s mercy and her prudent care, I lived in plenty, and so do still, though not without being greatly beholden to diverse friends, and I am not poorer than when I married; but it is not by marriage, nor by anything that was hers before. As to my mutability: Whereas one of them reports that I said unto him that I thought the marriage of ministers had so great inconveniences that, though necessity made it lawful, yet it was but lawful, that is, to be avoided as far as lawfully we may; I answer that I did say so to him, and I have never changed my judgment. Yea, my wife lived and died in the same mind. And I here freely advise all ministers that have not some kind of necessity to think of these few reasons among many:
1. The work of the sacred ministry is enough to take up the whole man, if he had the strength and abilities of many men. O how much there is to do oftentimes with one ignorant or scandalous or sad despairing soul! And who is sufficient for all that is to be done to hundreds or thousands! In the primitive church every congregation had many ministers; but covetousness of clergy and people will now allow scarce two to very great parishes. I did not marry till I was silenced and ejected and had no flock or pastoral cure. Believe it, he that will have a wife must spend much of his time in her conference, prayer, and other family duties, with her. And if he have children, O how much care, time, and labor they will require! I know it, though I have none. And he that hath servants must spend time in teaching them and in other duties for them, besides the time and perhaps caring thoughts that all his family expenses will require. And then it will disquiet a man’s mind to think that he must neglect his family or his flock and hath undertaken more than he can do. My conscience hath forced me many times to omit secret prayer with my wife when she desired it, for want of time, not daring to omit far greater work.
2. And a minister can scarce look to win much influence on his flock if he be not able to oblige them by gifts of charity and liberality. And a married man hath seldom anything to spare; especially if he have children that must be provided for, all will seem too little for them. Or if he have none, housekeeping is chargeable, when a single man may have entertainment at easy rates; and most women are weak and apt to live in fear of want, if not in covetousness; and have many wants real or fancied of theirs to be supplied.
3. In a word, St. Paul’s words are plain to others, but concern ministers much more than other men. First Corinthians 7:7, etc., I would that all men were as I myself. It is good for them that they abide even as I. 28, Such shall have trouble in the flesh. 32, I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: but he that is married careth for the things of the world, how he may please his wife. This is true. And believe it, both caring for the things of the world and caring to please one another are businesses and troublesome businesses; care for house-rent, for children, for servants’ wages, for food and raiment, but above all for debts, are very troublesome things; and if cares choke the Word in hearers, they will be very unfit for the mind of a student and a man that should constantly dwell on holy things.
And the pleasing of a wife is usually no easy task. There is an unsuitableness in the best and wisest and most alike. Faces are not so unlike as the apprehensions of the mind. They that agree in religion, in love and interest, yet may have different apprehensions about occasional occurrences, persons, things, words, etc. That will seem the best way to one that seems the worst to the other. And passions are apt to succeed and serve these differences. Very good people are hard to be pleased. My own dear wife had high desires of my doing and speaking better than I did, but my badness made it hard for me to do better. But this was my benefit; for it was but to put me on to be better, as God himself will be pleased. That it is hard to please God and holy persons is only our fault. But there are too many that will not be pleased unless you will contribute to their sin, their pride, their wastefulness, their superfluities and childish fancies, their covetousness and passions; and too many who have such passions that it requireth greater skill to please them than almost any that the wisest can attain. And the discontents and displeasures of one that is so near you will be as thorns and nettles in your bed.
And Paul concludeth to be unmarried is the better, that we may attend the Lord without distraction, vv. 35, 38.
And what need we more than Christ’s own words, Matthew 19:10-12. When they said then: It is not good to marry, he answers: All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given. For there are some eunuchs who were so born from their mother’s womb; and there are some eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men; and there be eunuchs which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He that is able to receive it let him receive it.
O how many sad and careful hours might many a minister have prevented? And how much more good he might have done if (being under no necessity) he had been sooner wise in this?
Another use of this history is to show men that it is not God’s or our enemies’ afflicting us in worldly losses or sufferings (especially when we suffer for righteousness’ sake) which is half so painful as our own inward infirmities. A man’s spirit can bear his infirmities of outward crosses, but a wounded spirit who can bear? My poor wife made nothing of prisons, distrainings, reproaches, and such crosses, but her burden was most inward, from her own tenderness, and next from those whom she overloved. And for mine own part, all that ever either enemies or friends have done against me is but a flea-biting to me in comparison of the daily burden of a pained body and the weakness of my soul in faith, hope, love, and heavenly desires and delights.
And here you may see how necessary patience is and to have a mind fortified beforehand against all sorts of sufferings, that in our patience we may possess our souls. And that the dearest friends must expect to find much in one another that must be borne with, and exercise our patience. We are all imperfect. It hath made me many a time wonder at the prelates that can think it is the way to concord of millions, to force them to consent to all their impositions, even of words and promises and ceremonies, and that in things where conscience must be cautious; whereas even husband and wife, master and servants, have almost daily differences in judging of their common affairs.
And by this history you may see how little cause we have to be over-serious about any worldly matters, and to mind and do them with too much intenseness of affection, and how necessary it is to possess them as if we possessed them not, seeing the time is short and the fashion of this world passeth away. And how reasonable it is that, if we love God ourselves, yea, or our friends, we should long to be with Christ, where they are far more amiable than here, and where in the City of God, the Jerusalem above, we shall delightfully dwell with them forever; whereas here we were always sure to stay with them but a little while. And had we here known Christ after the flesh, we should so know him no more: whereas believing that we shall soon be with him, even those that never saw him may rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory.
Lastly, here you may see that, as God’s servants have not their portion or good things in this life, so they may have the same sicknesses and manner of death as others. Lazarus may lie and die in his sores among the dogs at the door, when Dives may have a pompous life and funeral. There is no judging of a man’s sincerity or of his future state by his disease or by his diseased death-bed words. He that liveth to God shall die safely into the hand of God, though a fever or delirium hinder him from knowing this, till experience and sudden possession of heaven convince him. Blessed are the dead that die in the Lord, from henceforth: yea, saith the Spirit, that they may rest from their labors, and their works do follow them (Rev. 14:13). Therefore in our greatest straits and sufferings, let us comfort one another with these words: That we shall forever be with the Lord. Had I been [able] to possess the company of my friends in this life only, how short would our comfortable converse have been! But now I shall live with them in the heavenly city of God forever. And they, being there of the same mind with my forgiving God and Savior, will forgive all my failings, neglects, and injuries, as God forgiveth them and me. The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; and he hath taken away but that upon my desert, which he had given me undeservedly near nineteen years. Blessed be the name of the Lord. I am waiting to be next. The door is open. Death will quickly draw the veil and make us see how near we were to God and one another, and did not sufficiently know it. Farewell vain world, and welcome true everlasting life.