Chapter 29
Chapter 29 Regret and Rescue by Lucy Kate Green n the climax of the movie The Edge of Seventeen,' the main character (who is angsty, bored, frustrated, and lonely) claims that she watches herself do or say terrible things to her friends and family, hates herself for doing or saying those things, and fears tremendously that she will never be able to change.
I, too, spent much of high school doing and saying terrible things, and consequently hating myself for them.
I instigated gossip, betrayed friends, constantly fought with my parents, neglected school, and drank myself sick. I hated myself for doing these things, yet I didn't change my behavior because somewhere deep down I believed that God hated who I was, too. As a teenager, I really believed that it didn't matter what I did, because I'd already lost the impossible contest for God's approval. I could never atone for the qualities about myself that caused him to hold his nose when he watched me go about my life.
Part of this was natural and not a result of any particular event. I have a tendency to be a legalist; even as a young kid, I didn't know what to do with feelings of guilt other than assume
1. The Edge of Seventeen, directed by Kelly Fremon Craig (2016; Burbank, CA: STX Entertainment, 2016), DVD.
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THE JESUS | WISH | KNEW IN HIGH SCHOOL
that God wanted me to feel guilty. In kindergarten, a boy in my class kissed me unexpectedly at the playground. I had a knot in my stomach for weeks when I would go to church because I was convinced that God couldn't accept me now. How silly, I know, that a six-year-old would have such a great assumption about God's feelings!
But I sensed that there was something perfect about God, something unacceptable about myself, and an irreparable abyss in the middle.
As high school rolled around, I bounced from guy to guy— each week focusing my eyes on someone different—hoping they'd approve of me, uplift me, and replace the nagging sense that I was not enough. Each time I hoped that their acceptance and approval would make me fee/ accepted and approved of, but it never did. With each new guy, my sense of guilt, fear, and disapproval only grew.
Going through boys eventually wasn't enough, so I dove into the world of alcohol. My perception of God's anger only grew as I saw my sin more acutely. I distinctly remember this at a party my junior year. I don't remember much from that night except-for a friend sticking her fingers down my throat out of fear that I would have to go to the hospital because of the amount of tequila I drank. I spent much of the night on the bathroom floor, then moved into the bedroom. Early that morning, I woke up squished between boys. I distinctly remember crying, staring at the ceiling which spun above me, devastated that God could see me like this. I imagined him being furious, disappointed, and silent. Just one more thing on my already tarnished record.
In that moment, I felt like I was waving goodbye to someone who had no choice but to walk away from me.
Though I didn't have the theological knowledge then to understand it, my teenage years were a clear picture of a life without Jesus. I was keenly aware that I was separated from God. I knew I fell terribly short of his standards. I knew that the gap between us was too wide. I knew I had no control.
Regret and Rescue I/1 What I know now is that Jesus was the solution to my deep, painful feelings—he was the bridge that would unite God to myself.
THE Jesus | WisH | KNEW IN HIGH SCHOOL Growing up, I believed that people were basically good and that _I must have been the exception; I felt like a fraud, and I spun out trying to avoid that feeling. I wish I'd known that we are not born perfect. Instead, we are born in sin and selfishness, and any turning from our self-serving plans and desires is a miraculous work of the Spirit. Every one of us is born with a rotten track record, and we aren't capable of anything more. I wish
I'd understood this in high school. The sinful behaviors, guilt, and distance from God had come as a surprise to me, and so | assumed they came as a surprise to God, too.
The Jesus I wish I knew in high school is simple: I wish I'd known that he was not remotely surprised by my falling short, and that the reason he came to earth was to die on the cross for my sins—to bring me across that awful abyss of my sin into the arms of this perfect God.
This truth is proven countless times in Scripture. In Romans 5:8b, Paul writes that "while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." In Matthew 7:11, Jesus reassures his disciples that their
Father in heaven knows that they are evil, and yet loves to give them good gifts. Throughout Peter's life, we see a shaky disciple who denies the crucified Jesus three times. Not only was
Jesus not surprised by this betrayal, Jesus actually told Peter it would happen. During all three years they spent together, Jesus knew that Peter would not be strong enough to stand by him.
Yet Jesus also told Peter that his confession would be the rock on which Jesus builds his church—and it was (see Acts 10).
Jesus wasn't surprised by the failings of those around him, and he certainly isn't surprised when I fall short. Even though he is a holy, all-knowing God, he is delighted when sinners draw near to him. He is not mad at them, nor was he mad at me. His heart and mission is to rescue sinners.
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THE JESUS | WISH I KNEW IN HIGH SCHOOL
The basic truth that Jesus came to earth to pay for my sin, is half of what I wish I'd known in high school. I also needed to know the deeper truth, that Jesus came to earth as a radical declaration of God's unwillingness to live without me. Like
Thomas Torrance says, "There is no hidden God behind the back of Jesus." God was not mad at me; he was in love with me.
He created me so that he could spend forever loving me, and he died to show me this love. He doesn't need my life to be a decent offering—he offered everything for me regardless of what I've done (and regardless of what I will do!), all for the joy of having me in his arms (see Hebrews 12:2).
This joy must be the focus of your existence. Not behavior that is pious or worthy, but joy in knowing that you are breathing because he loves you. He wants to love away the guilt, the hurt, the slavery, and the disgust you feel with yourself. When you feel at your very worst, certain that God's love has already expired, envision him running toward the cross to bring you back home. This is the truth; this is your reality.
I am the drunk sixteen-year-old who kissed too many boys. And I am now a twenty-four-year-old youth minister in Birmingham, Alabama. While I am still a sinner, I no longer wince at the thought of God's anger toward me—instead I run toward the God who loves me—the One who left heaven to rescue me.
THE Jesus | WANT You To KNow If you are living with regrets and feel like it's too late; if you're afraid of the God who sees all; if you long for a relationship with Jesus, but have no idea where to start, hear this:
He 1s not surprised by your screwups, and his voice is radically different from those of your peers or your parents or yourself. He doesn't want you to start behaving better, he wants you to know that you are deeply loved, free, and redeemed.
2. Thomas Torrance, The Christian Doctrine of God, One Being Three Persons (New York: T & T Clark, 2001), 243-44.
Regret and Rescue
When I was in high school staring at the spinning ceiling, God didn't just forgive me and then hope Id get back on track.
He was with me in that very moment, telling me there was nothing I could do to make him stop loving me, and nothing | could do to make him love me more. He is with you, he will save you, and he rejoices over you (see Zephaniah 3:17). The open arms of Jesus are a message to you—he is not mad at you. The cross is there to prove it.
DEVOTIONAL QUESTIONS
Read Romans 5:8.
1. What does this passage reveal about God's knowledge of your sin? What has he done in response?
The author of chapter 29 describes how she envisioned God's disapproval. How did this influence her behavior and choices?
How do you think God feels about you when you make mistakes? How do you think God feels about you in general? How might this influence your choices? aS aR IS Ri RS A a ST aE eB
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OMNIPOTENCE
(noun):
Having unlimited : power, able to do anything. In the biblical sense, this is who God is.
What this means for you: You are loved by a mighty and all-powerful God. He can do anything, be in all places, knows absolutely everything, and has plans for you to prosper. When tragedy or challenges enter your life, you can be certain God is in control, and that he turns all things—even the worst things—toward good. Whatever you are dealing with right now, this omnipotent God is with you, he is not surprised by your circumstances, and he is already making a way through it.
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hey can never know."
"T will take this with me to my grave."
"If they really knew who I was, they would never love or accept me."
I was raised in a non-Christian home in the liberal city of San Francisco. Christianity was not the norm. Choosing to follow Jesus meant counting the cost of what my family and friends would think of me, and consciously choosing Jesus over the world. When I eventually did come to Christ, I was convinced that he was the answer to my questions and longings.
Despite this certainty, I faced an unresolved question. If I was so certain of my faith, so devoted to following Jesus, then why did I still struggle so deeply with sin? Why did I still feel the need to hide my sin—from God, from my youth leaders, from my friends? Why wasn't I experiencing true freedom— the kind I heard about at church?
For most of my high school years, these questions haunted me as I strained to live out my newfound convictions of faith and remain chaste in my pursuit of holiness—particularly in the area of lust and sexual relationships. As a teenage boy, I was convinced that none of my other "good" Christian friends were
Isolation and Liberation 7% struggling as horribly as I was. Perhaps it was my non-Christian upbringing; maybe it was because I wasn't as committed to Jesus as I thought I was. Doubts regularly flooded my mind and as a result, I resolved to lock away this ugly part of my heart forever, never to be seen by anyone in the church.
The voices of shame assaulted me daily, telling me that if _ anybody knew who I really was, I would never be accepted; I had to hide. As much as I knew I was saved by grace, deemed holy and pure by Jesus's blood, and declared "justified"—no longer carrying the penalty for my sin—I also worried I was not living as a true Christ-follower. I might have been saved by grace, but my sin was just too shameful for grace to overcome.
The gospel was regularly preached in my youth group, and my youth leaders were committed to displaying the love and grace of Jesus to us; but despite their faithful efforts, something about the gospel still felt foreign. The language of "justifica-
tion,"
"righteousness," and "victory" just didn't hit my heart in a way that allowed me to actually experience freedom from sin.
Jesus might have handled my sin and guilt on the cross, but my shame still prevailed. God might have forgiven me for my sins, but I still felt trapped by the pressure of measuring up to the expectations of those around me. The gospel proclaimed my salvation before God, but it didn't erase the shame I still experienced within my Asian-American community and upbringing.
Growing up half-Korean in a predominantly Asian setting, the individual themes of guilt and innocence were not prevalent. What was prevalent were the themes of a culture built around the common good for the group, and the honor or shame attached to my actions and how they affected that group.
To be spoken highly of by others was of greater importance than being certain that I had followed all the rules. Doing everything right in my own conscience didn't matter if I did not have the approval and admiration of my family and friends. So while I inwardly believed the truth of the cross, I was outwardly still functioning according to the truth of my culture.
THE JESUS | WISH | KNEW IN HIGH SCHOOL
Would I ever experience the full freedom of the gospel?
Either something was wrong with the gospel, or something was wrong with me. I had already lived a life without the gospel, so I was not willing to buy into the former; therefore, the problem must have been with me.
Ashamed of my inability to measure up to the Christian standard, and afraid of what my community would think of me,
I resigned that I might never experience freedom from sin; this was a burden I would have to bear alone. Maybe, after enough years of following Jesus, or enough effort on my own part, freedom would finally come.
THE Jesus | WisH | KNEW IN HIGH SCHOOL Entering college proved no easier; my struggle with lust did not go away, even though I was maturing in faith. In fact, it only got harder as many of my friends were now more sexually active than in high school, and my heart continued to burn for intimacy. It was in this state of internal turmoil that Jesus began meeting me and applying the gospel to my heart in ways that I had not experienced before.
While I received a solid biblical understanding of the gospel through my home church, it was through my church in college that the gospel finally started resonating with my heart. I knew in my head that I was justified—saved by grace and from no efforts of my own—but my culture still told me that my existence was justified by the prestige and honor bestowed by those around me. As a Christian I believed that it was only because of Christ's righteousness (not my own) that I could stand before God, but my cultural experience upheld that I was only blameless if I measured up to others' expectations of me as a son,
| friend, and student.
With great cultural awareness, the pastors and members of that small church in college helped me realize that God's approval of me wasn't bound to my efforts for him, but in Christ's efforts already accomplished for me. No amount of
Isolation and Liberation I/? prestige, honor, or affirmation from others would ever allow me to measure up to Jesus, the perfect Son who—by the world's standards—God should have always been comparing me to (for any Asian readers, we know that there is always a "better sibling/cousin/friend" whom we despised for making us look bad).
Instead, through Christ's sacrifice, God now bestowed on _me the very honor of Jesus, giving me all of the prestige and affirmation that was reserved for him.
Not only was this culturally relevant gospel preached at my church in college, it was also demonstrated in love as people shared honestly and vulnerably with one another. Sins were openly confessed and transparency was encouraged; instead of being reprimanded for showing weakness or being shunned for our imperfections, love was extended with the verbal embrace of Christ and the physical embrace of fellow believers. Though sin was still present in my life, I experienced victory in Christ in such a way that shame no longer had a hold on me.
I finally understood that "freedom" and "victory" didn't mean I would never sin again, but that Jesus had liberated me from the need to constantly examine myself in vain attempts to display perfection to the world. Jesus had met me in ways that went beyond my theological understanding of the gospel. He led me into a deeper, more personal, and even culturally specific way that hit my heart with the healing dagger of grace.
Before, I felt like the woman at the well whom Jesus encounters in John 4, anxiously hiding my true self from my community—trapped in isolation by the shame of my own temptations and sin. Like this woman, I dreaded the exposure of my true self and struggles. I hid at all costs. I made every effort to cover myself with more religious activity.
But thankfully, like this woman, Jesus also met me with the bold audacity of his gentle grace. Now, like this woman, I came to experience freedom, to the point where I could run to my village and publicly declare, "Come, see a man who told me all that I ever did" (John 4:29)—as in, the string of men she had been sleeping with in pursuit of living water. Like her, I experienced
THE JESUS | WISH! KNEW IN HIGH SCHOOL
true freedom in the person of Jesus Christ. The exposure of my sin before others was no longer an act of shame, but of honor— exalting Christ and his wondrous gospel.
I wish I could return to my younger high school-self and speak this message of freedom and peace. I wish I could point him to the love and approval he already had in God the Father. I wish I could convey to him how true freedom is not the absence of sin, but the absence of sin's shameful hold. I wish I could have experienced the liberating effects of encountering Jesus—freeing me from the constant need of approval and affirmation from others.
Though I can't go back in time to speak these words to my younger self, I have the privilege of speaking them to you, beloved brother and sister, right now.
THE Jesus | WANT You To KNow Whether you are from a culture that values honor and affirmation from others, or you are a teen overwhelmed by the pressure to measure up to others' opinions of you on social media, I want you to know that only in Jesus—in the multifaceted gospel that reaches all cultures—will you find full freedom. As you labor and toil to daily find approval from friends through tangible
"Likes," or to be recognized and praised by your family, how I hope you will see the vain and fleeting nature of these endless pursuits. How I hope you will truly believe that the only lasting approval comes at the hands of a God who subjected his own
Son to shame and dishonor for your sake.
You might feel like me, like the woman at the well, isolated and ashamed because of your sin; but I also hope you share in our experience with Jesus—of being fully known and accepted,
'radically loved, finally free. A life that has been deeply met with the bold grace of Christ is a life that is free to go and tell others
"all that I ever did," because we know that our only security is found not in the praise and approval from the world, but in the affirmation from a King. Like the Samaritan woman, may
Isolation and Liberation If we leave our jars for drawing water at the well, and run to the living water we find at the cross.
DEVOTIONAL QUESTIONS
Read John 4:1—30.
1. What does Jesus already know about the woman? How does he treat her, in light of what he already knows?
The author of chapter 30 describes his struggle to find freedom from sin in light of his culture and community.
Is there a particular sin in your own life that causes you to hide from others?
What would need to happen in order for you to find full freedom from that sin, before God and others?
Knowing that Jesus knows every single thing about you, can you accept the reality that you are radically loved? How can you begin to experience and live out this freedom of the gospel today?
LIBERATION
(noun): When Christ redeems his people, he also frees them from sin's hold and effects. Liberation will not fully be experienced until the new heavens and new earth, but the freedom from sin found in the gospel—individual and systemic—can be seen and felt in glimpses today.
What this means for you: You may at times feel defeated and discouraged by your own sin, and the sin you see around you in the world. The gospel means that you can experience real freedom today, while you also hope for a future liberation of all of creation, when all sin will be done away with.
Glossary adoption (noun). When a person puts their faith in Christ, they are adopted as a child of God. As his child, they receive all the benefits of being an heir of the King. (p. 37) approval (noun). The belief that someone or something is good or acceptable. (p. 49) Emmanuel (proper noun).
A Hebrew word meaning, "God with us." In the book of Matthew, we learn that Jesus himself is our Emmanuel. (p. 168) enoughness (noun). The reality that you lack nothing. (p. 83) freedom (noun). Being released from eternal death, bondage to sin, and the need to prove ourselves. (p. 144) grace (noun). God's underserved love and favor for. sinners through Christ. (p. 54) hidden in Christ (adjective). On the cross, Jesus was "clothed in our shame, crowned with our thorns, and exposed to the judgment of God that we deserve."! On the cross, there was no place
. for Jesus to hide; he became our hiding place. (p. 125) 1. Eric Watkins, "Hidden with Christ," Ligonier Ministries: the teaching fellowship of R. C. Sproul, 2014, https://www.ligonier.org/learn/devotionals/hidden-with-christ/.
Glossary
human being vs. human doing (nouns). Many people believe that their worth is found in doing (actions and achievements).
But worth is actually found in being created in God's image, formed by his love. (p. 65) identity in Christ (noun). Who you are is based on who Christ is. (pa43) idolatry (noun). Ascribing value to things of this world that should actually be assigned to God himself. Examples might include viewing money, success, or popularity as equal to God. (p. 71) incarnation (noun). The event when God came down to earth and took on human flesh in the person of Jesus. (p. 26) justification (noun). The two-fold process whereby a person's sins are forgiven and they, through faith, receive the perfect righteousness of Christ. (p. 31) liberation (noun). When Christ redeems his people, he also frees them from sin's hold and effects. Liberation will not fully be experienced until the new heavens and new earth, but the freedom found in the gospel from sin—individual and systemic—can be seen and felt in glimpses today. (p. 179)
Man of Sorrows (proper noun). Isaiah 53:3a predicts that many years before the birth of Christ, the Messiah would be "despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with Viel, (bells) new heavens/new earth (nouns). At the end of time, Christ will return to the earth, and all will be made perfect. The heavens and earth will join together as one, like Eden. (p. 95) new life (noun). When Christ saves us, he transfers us from death and darkness into life and light. The joy and peace we experience as Christians is evidence of this transfer to new life. (p. 119)
THE JESUS! WISH | KNEW IN HIGH SCHOOL
omnipotence (noun). Having unlimited power, able to do anything. In the biblical sense, this is who God 1s. (p. 173) performance (noun). Accomplishing or fulfilling an act, task, or function. (p. 101) redemption (noun). In the Bible, redemption refers to crossing over from one thing to another. When Jesus redeems a person, he alters them from darkness to light, from death to life, from an enemy of God to a child of God, from judgment to eternal life. (p. 131) rest (noun).
Freedom from striving. When a person is made righteous by Christ, they no longer have to prove themselves.
They can rest in God's grace and Christ's work. (p. 77) righteousness (noun). The state of being perfectly acceptable to God in every way. Through Christ, sinners are counted as righteous before God. Another way to say it is, you are enough. (p. 163) sin (noun).
1) Disobeying God's commands (behavioral), 2) Desiring to be the god of your own life (theological), 3)
Separation from God (relational). (p. 59) surrender (verb). To release control completely. To give in to the power of another. (p. 8) sympathy vs. empathy (nouns). Having sympathy involves having compassion for another person, even though you can't identify with their suffering. Having empathy involves compassion with understanding. It is a shared experience. (p. 20)
| the body of Christ (noun). This is the worldwide church, Christ's hands and feet on earth—you, me, and our various local churches and Christian organizations. (p. 156) the gospel (noun). The good news of God's grace and redemption for sinners through the life, death, and resurrection
Glossary
of Jesus Christ. It is the primary message of the Bible and of Christianity. (p. 14) the honor/shame worldview (noun). Honor/Shame is a way that many cultures see the world. Honor is given to people who act in line with a shared social code; anyone who fails to live up to that code has shame placed upon them. We see this most often
~ in social media interactions, where we have to be careful what we post, lest we get "cancelled." This worldview can sometimes curb bad behavior, but it can also leave us feeling deeply unworthy. (p. 107) the law (noun). The law often refers to God's commandments in the Bible. We can understand it as God's blueprints for human flourishing. Instead of trusting Jesus with our identity and worth, we often look to law-following to justify ourselves.
But the law cannot give us life; the Holy Spirit is the One who _ gives us life. (p. 138) transformation (or sanctification) (nouns). The process whereby a Christian grows in dependence on the grace of God. As they depend on God, the Lord changes them into a more Christlike person, although they will continue to struggle with sin. (p. 150) worthy (noun). The reality that your life has value. (p. 89)
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