Chapter 12
Chapter 12 Heartbreak and God's Presence by Catherine Allen A: I let you in on my high school stories, I have to admit that it feels more like a confession than anything else.
Imagine driving around in your car, blaring music and analyzing texts between you and your crush. Every day to and from school, my friend and I would discuss the latest updates on the boys in our lives. While the carpool ride was very short, we could unpack a lot of information. My little white sedan was a sacred space that held all my secrets. We would get in the car each afternoon and immediately share what had happened that day. The daily report was filled with all exchanges made: texts, hallway interactions, glances, Facebook messages, weekend plans, dreams, and hopes for tomorrow.
One of the first things that comes to mind when I think of high school is boys and romance. And what comes to mind when I think of romance is sweaty hands. Not just clammy, but full-on sweaty. The perspiration on my palms was an outward projection of an inward problem. I was anxious and eager to have a boyfriend. I want to blame growing up with a soundtrack of Taylor Swift as the reason for my deep-seated romantic side, but the problem was this: my desire to be loved was infinitely greater than my desire to love.
Heartbreak and God's Presence 6/7 When I look back at my high school years and my desire for romance, every cliche comes to my mind. However, the one that was stamped on my heart had to be: "It will happen when you least expect it." Believing this to be true, I would convince myself that if I tried not to expect it, then things would definitely work out in my favor. I remember one of my youth leaders sharing that she had her first kiss at twenty-two. I scoffed—certain I'd have had several boyfriends by then—maybe even be engaged!
As a teenager, there was not a single day when I did not hope for a boyfriend. And while the majority of my friends had boyfriends throughout those years, I did not end up dating anybody. Moreover, I went to a Homecoming dance only once out of all three years of high school, and I was not asked to prom my senior year.
While never being asked or chosen in high school definitely made me feel insecure, unwanted, and unlovable, nothing was quite as painful as unrequited affection. Obviously, I always noticed the cute boys and gossiped about them with my friends. However, my biggest crush was on the same boy for about four years. He and I had one million classes together and ran in the same friend group. He was sarcastic, and I adored him. He would zoom past me in his silver BMW, and I was elated. Guaranteed to see him Monday through Friday during Latin and History classes, my nerves were especially heightened. To manage my fears (and my sweaty palms), I tried to control my expectations, my looks, the way I was perceived, my intelligence, my social life, etc. I thought that if I was better at controlling these things, then I would be more desirable. Day after day, I would wonder what and when something would happen between us.
Three years into this very long and very one-sided crush, I received a text from his best friend that read something to the tune of, he would never ever be interested in me. Filled with heartbreak, rejection, and sadness, my crush and I met up over ice cream where he apologized for his friend's tough-to-swallow
THEJESUS! WISH I KNEW IN HIGH SCHOOL
words. In my heart, I secretly hoped that he would say his friend was mistaken and he actually wanted to be with me. Instead, I just left with embarrassment and shame.
The heartbreak did not end there. Several years later, I entered into my first serious relationship. The closing line of our breakup went something like this: [ had some good features, but in the end he wasn't sure the good outweighed the bad. \n high school, these words would have crushed me. And while they certainly stung, by the grace of God I had an awakening in that moment:
I had never felt more confident that those words were the opposite of God's love for me.
Although I heard the good news of the gospel, the proclamation of God's unshakable love did not resonate with me until after high school. Sadly, deep down, I believed I wasn't good enough. I also believed that if I made enough modifications to myself, I would secure a boyfriend. As a chubby, outgoing, unathletic, mediocre student, I believed that if I was smarter, more attractive, and more soft-spoken, I would be desirable.
After confiding in a mentor about my fear of being single forever, she gently reminded me that "there are no leagues in souls." While we tend to measure someone as "in" or "out" of our league, she wanted me to hear that our worth is incalculable in God's kingdom because we are all sinners, immeasurably loved by an even greater Savior. I was desperate to hear it, but still did not quite believe it.
THE Jesus | WisH | KNEW IN HIGH SCHOOL Sally Lloyd-Jones in The Jesus Storybook Bible says, "It's not about keeping rules! ... You don't have to be good at being good for God to love you. You just have to believe what Jesus has done and follow him. Because it's not about trying, it's about trusting."' This message of grace continues to cover me. It soothes my wounds with each announcement: you are loved as you are.
Name (Grand Rapids: ZonderKidz, 2007), 340.
Heartbreak and God's Presence
My constant striving to be loved was best met in Christ, my Savior. He is the One who leaves the ninety-nine to find the one
(see Luke 15:3—7). He is the One who seeks and saves sinners.
He is the One who is filled with delight—bursting with celebration—at the rescue of one soul. "And when he found it, he lays [us] on his shoulders, rejoicing. And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them,
'Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that was lost'"
(vv. 5—6).
There is nothing that can keep God at arm's length, because he is always rejoicing over you and he promises that he will never leave you (see Hebrews 13:5). Your "bad" thoughts, words, and deeds are no secret to Jesus. Psalm 139:4 says, "Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lorp you know it altogether."
Not only does he know it, but his love bears it, endures it, and continues to the end (see | Corinthians 13).
In adolescence, I missed the true Lover—the One who welcomes me with full love and acceptance. I viewed God solely as a cheerleader—someone there to spotlight my accomplishments and encourage me to "victory." However, what I know now is that the victory was already won, boyfriend or not. I didn't need to be more or less of anything to earn the love of Jesus—I always had it.
Brennan Manning says it best in Abba's Child:
We cannot assume that [God] feels about us the way we feel about ourselves—unless we love ourselves compassionately, intensely, and freely. In human form Jesus revealed to us what God is like. He exposed our projections for the idolatry they are and gave us the way to become free of them. It takes a profound conversion to accept that God is relentlessly tender and compassionate towards us just as we are—not in spite of our sins and faults (that would not be total acceptance), but with
7QO
THE JESUS! WISH | KNEW IN HIGH SCHOOL
them. Though God does not condone or sanction evil, He does not withhold his love because there is evil in us.'
THE Jesus | WANT You To KNow While it may feel like God is far because you lost the perfect crush or feel unworthy, he is near to the broken-hearted and saves the crushed in spirit (see Psalm 34:18). Like me at times, the heartbreak and rejection might make you feel like the least of these, but God's grace is still abundant (see Ephesians 2:8).
My hope is that while worldly love might be hard to come by, you will trust God's steady, constant, faithful love, for it will endure forever. The good and the bad does not hold the power to change what Sally Lloyd-Jones calls, "the Never Stopping,
Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love of God he showed us in Jesus!"? (how romantic is that?). He doesn't love you because you've crafted the perfect, witty prayer. His love does not hinge on what you look like, what you say, what you're interested in, or who you're friends with. God does not love you because he is obligated. He sees you fully, freely, and forever.
DEVOTIONAL QUESTIONS
Read Luke 15:1—7.
1. How does this passage express Jesus's love and pursuit of his people?
The author of chapter 12 discusses a love without conditions. Consider some examples of love you have received in life: both conditional and unconditional.
3. How does God's unconditional, eternal love encourage your heart?
2. Brennan Manning, Abba's Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging (Carol Stream, IL: NavPress, 2015), 3.
3. Lloyd-Jones, The Jesus Storybook Bible, 340.
Heartbreak and God's Presence #1 Se i i a RRS IDOLATRY (noun): Ascribing value to things of this world that should actually be assigned to God himself. Examples might include viewing money, success, or popularity as equal to God.
What this means for you: As a sinner, you naturally make good things into idols. Understanding that only God can satisfy and save you—not a college acceptance letter, or a boyfriend, or a place on the team—leads you to rightly seek your joy and fulflllment in God.
Morality —_ 4 God's Gift by Jessica Thompson O ur family was the superhero Christian family. Everyone was either a pastor, a missionary, or a Sunday school teacher. Everyone was always doing the most for God. Each time the church doors were opened, our family was there.
Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday evening, we spent more time at church than we spent anywhere else besides school and home. If the pastor needed someone to come and clean the bathrooms, my parents would volunteer us to do it. Truly, church was like our second home.
I learned really early on that the best way to make everyone happy was to play the "good Christian girl," and I did it with everything in me. When I was in kindergarten, I won "Ms.
Christian Character'—the award given to the five-year-old who acted the most like a Christian, or told on the most kids for not acting like a Christian. I am not sure which characteristic won me the award, but I am sure I did both with excellence. So from kindergarten on, everything I did was in effort to uphold the idea that I was the kind of girl you wanted your kids to be friends with, because I would make sure that we were all doing the right thing all the time.
Morality and God's Gift
I was committed to this charade of following the rules so that I would think well of myself and have others think well of me. I loved hearing all the adults tell me how "good" I was.
I really thought that if I could just be good enough, God would love me more and my parents and grandparents would love me more and then I would be happy.
This line of thinking led to everything but happiness. I was often sad that I still didn't quite measure up, and then sometimes I was angry with others because they weren't following the rules the way I thought they should. It was a confusing time for me.
As a high schooler, I continued to play the part of the upright, rule-following Christian. I went on short-term mission trips during the summer, I had a Bible verse stitched onto my letterman's jacket, and I was always the one talking about God and inviting people to youth group. While at youth group,
I was the kid who sat up front. I felt like it was my job to make the youth pastor's job easy. I wanted to be the trophy kid of the group. Similar to when I was younger, this behavior worked for me in several different ways. First, everyone seemed happy with me. Second, it kept everyone out of my life because they all thought I was doing great.
The truth is, behind the scenes I was constantly trying to gain love and acceptance by attempting to make boys want me. I was constantly lying. I cheated on my boyfriend and tried to get with my close friends' boyfriends. My life was one big tangled ball of deception.
I went to Bible college right out of high school to get my bachelor's degree in theology—I wanted to study God and the Bible, but not because I loved God or the Bible. I loved following the rules; I loved approving of myself; I loved having others approve of me; I loved the sense of control that rule-following gave to me. I loved feeling superior to everyone else who wasn't following the rules. But I didn't Jove God. God seemed harsh and demanding. I mean who else would create rules that took away all the fun—and then expect me to live by those rules?
#¢)
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I was willing to keep the fake me, the good-me image, going for as long as I needed. But God had different plans.
One of the requirements for Bible college was that you had to attend a prayer service before classes started. I would typically use that time to snooze in my chair. If we had smart phones back then, I would have for sure been on social media or scrolling through memes. I remember very specifically that during one of my nap times, God interrupted me and both literally and spiritually woke me up. In that moment, God broke into my mundane thoughts and apathy and almost in an instant changed my mind and showed me a better way.
I'm not really sure how to explain what actually happened except to say that he impressed on my heart that all of my goodness, all of the good things that I tried to do, all the rules I tried to follow wouldn't make me right with him. I needed the work of Jesus in my life to truly make me good or, as the church people like to say, I needed the work of Jesus—not my own work—to make me holy and righteous. I realized that it wasn't all up to me to pull it off anymore. I realized that someone saw me exactly as I was, my truest self, and chose to love me anyway.
THE Jesus | WisH | KNEW IN HIGH SCHOOL I think that sometimes, without realizing it, the church or the leaders in the church put too much emphasis on "doing big things for God," or "being the best Christian ever." I grew up thinking that in order for God to love me I had to be worthy of his love. I thought that in order for God to accept me I had to earn my way into his acceptance. I thought that if the leaders in the church or my parents or my grandparents were happy with me, then God must be happy with me too. I didn't understand that the way that God would be happy with, or love me, or accept me, was already taken care of by Christ himself. He had lived perfectly for me. My life, my record, my sins, my "good things" that I did to gain approval, were all hidden in the work of Christ. I was mistakenly trusting in what I would do for
Morality and God's Gift vhs) myself, or even what I would do for God, in order to reassure myself that I was a Christian.
God is very clear that there will be no earning your way into his family. Being a part of God's family—or being a Christian— is a gift from a generous heavenly Father to his people. You see, I thought I had to earn my relationship with God by following his rules, but that's not what God primarily wants from us.
In the Bible, God always precedes rule-giving with an assurance of his love. Even when God gave the Ten Commandments in Exodus 20, he starts off by saying, "I am Gop, your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of a life of slavery"
(v. | msc). By saying he is our God, he is saying that he loves us and we are his. We have a relationship with him first. He tells us what he has done for us: he brought us out of a life of slavery.
Then he gives us the rules. He doesn't say, "If you follow these rules, then I will be your God." He gives himself to us first. He always initiates. He always displays his love through redemption. He did it for the Israelites and he does it for us now. He doesn't wait for us to be worthy, he doesn't wait for us to get our acts together. He just comes toward us with love and unspeakable grace.
First John 4:19b says, "First we were loved, now we love.
He loved us first" (msc). And Titus 3:5a echoes this by saying, "he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy..."
We are loved first. We aren't loved more if we follow the rules best. We aren't loved more if we are always at church. We aren't loved more if we do our devotional time every single day.
We aren't loved more if we get it all right. We are loved because of who God 1s, not because of who we are.
Right about now you might be asking, "What about the rules? I thought we had to try and obey them." My answer to that is yes, of course you should try and obey the rules God gives us. But you don't do it to earn God's love; you do it because you are grateful that you are loved. And if you fail at following the rules, God loves you still.
76 THEJESUS! WISH | KNEW IN HIGH SCHOOL
See, Jesus earned God's unending love for you because he was the One who followed every single rule, every day of his life.
And now your life, your failures, your successes, are all hidden by Christ's life; when God looks at you, he sees the perfection of Jesus. He sees the One who kept all the rules not because he wanted people to earn people's approval, but because he loved
God so very much.
THE Jesus | WANT You To KNow The gospel I want you to know is rest. By rest I don't mean take more naps, although I am a big fan of naps; what I mean is that you don't have to work to get God to love you or approve of you.
You can stop running. You can catch your breath. Hear me: you don't have to live under the burden that everything depends on you. You cannot follow all the rules, no matter how hard you try. You cannot make everyone happy with you no matter what you do. You cannot earn God's eternal love for you. It is already yours right now.
You can believe God is as good as he says he is. You can stop trying to use the rules to make yourself good. God looks at you right now and says, "You are good because of Jesus."
So, dear friend, rest there. Rest in the work that Christ has done for you. Rest knowing that you are a dearly loved child no matter what you did yesterday, no matter what you do today, and no matter what the future holds. Trust that God is all that ~ he promises to be. Believe that Jesus did all the work for you.
Repent of trying to earn your way to God; accept the gift that he has given you. That gift is complete forgiveness, a perfect standing before a holy God, and love everlasting.
DEVOTIONAL QUESTIONS
Read Titus 3:1—11.
In the midst of these commands, where do you see evidence of God's love and grace?
Morality and God's Gift a7 2.
The author of chapter 13 describes her story of trying to earn God's love. How might you identify with this in your own life?
What would it look like for you to rest in God's love?
REST (noun): Freedom from striving. When a person Is made righteous by Christ, they no longer have to prove themselves. They can rest in God's grace and Christ's work.
What this means for you: There is nothing you can do to make Jesus love you more than he already does. You can stop running that race. You are fully loved. pmisearefaeenetpearasaia er oonbiaseeialsipsisealneataeihohatsiag nancies picasa nisiestaneindaisanenanianeesa niannnoanemempeiait
Rejection and the Good News by David Zahl t was a lock, they told me.
The team would meet for its annual post-season banquet.
We'd eat some pizza, our coach would hand out a few awards, and then we'd elect next year's captains. I say captains, plural.
My sophomore year there had been three. My junior year, two.
Water polo is what you call a niche sport—in New England at least. Sunny places like California and Florida boast robust high school programs, both public and private school leagues.
These states tend to feed the US Olympic roster. Up in Connecticut, though, the sport is mainly something for swimmers to do during the off-season. No one takes it that seriously.
When I showed up at boarding school as a new sophomore, I had never played water polo in earnest before. I couldn't tell you the positions, certainly not the rules. I just knew there was a lot of treading water involved. The admissions office must have informed the coach of my facility in the pool, as he wasted no time urging me to go out for the team, assuring me that I'd have a leg up when swim season started that winter. It was a no-brainer, he said.
So out I went, kicking off three seasons of intense play.
Turns out that being a good swimmer was more than half the
Rejection and the Good News
battle. I wasn't going to make any all-American lists, but I more than held my own. By the end of that first year I was starting on varsity, which felt like a big deal. The next fall, I was one of only two juniors who started in every game. The other junior was my good friend Myles.
When captain elections came up, this means there were really only two guys in the running. Fortunately, there had never been less than two captains, so all that remained was to plan my acceptance speech.
You can guess what happened next. The coach tallied the anonymous vote and announced that .
. there would be only one captain next season, and Myles had been chosen.
WHAT?
I was dumbfounded. But it was no prank. Myles looked almost as shocked as I. As the room emptied, everyone avoided eye contact with me, coach included.
Writing about it now, I can still feel a knot form in my belly.
The stakes might seem relatively minor, but at the time, the verdict cut to the core of my seventeen-year-old self.
Most rejections you can write off. You appeal to the "well, I didn't really try that hard" excuse or some form of "who really cares?" In this case, I had tried my hardest for two full seasons. I'd given everything I had and could not pretend I didn't care. There was no way to interpret this rejection other than as a public confirmation of every doubt I'd ever harbored about myself.
You are no leader, my peers had told me. You do not have what it takes, and we will go out of our way to let you know that.
It was crushing.
To this day, I have no idea what happened or why. The coach called me that evening but offered no explanation. He just wanted me to know that he could tell I was upset but hoped I would still get in the water next season. Looking back, the nerve of this guy!
The season after I graduated there would be two team captains again, and to my knowledge there have been two captains
THE JESUS! WISH | KNEW IN HIGH SCHOOL
every year since. Something about me, I could only assume, was so noticeably not-captain-material that tradition had to be suspended.
I remember running into that coach when I was back for a reunion a decade later and fighting the urge to ask about it (or kick him in the shins). These are things you never forget.
THE Jesus | Wish | KNEW IN HIGH SCHOOL While I had grown up in the church, my relationship with God at the time was complicated. I believed in God, I even believed he loved me. But my father was a pastor, I was far away from home, and the Christians on campus were way too eager. I worried that attending fellowship meetings would hurt my chances with the opposite sex. (It probably would've helped them.)
For whatever reason, I did not turn to God in my shame.
Instead, I turned against him. It wasn't because I thought I had let him down somehow, or that he was punishing me. It wasn't even because I had some false notion about God only loving winners.
I knew he was there and I resented him for it.
Meaning, I got mad—at myself for being so un-captain-like and at God for making me that way. Why couldn't I be more like Myles? Maybe in the back of my mind, I knew that God tended not to work through the kind of personal glory a high school senior craved. But my emotional hurt superseded any of that. The rejection ran deep.
It's telling that at no point did I question the authority of my coach and teammates. As far as I was concerned, their authority was ultimate. I had also cut off any fellow Christians who might have pointed out my blind spots. The anger at myself would soon manifest as depression.
You'll note that I haven't mentioned Jesus yet.
For whatever reason, I was scared of Jesus in high school. God felt safer. There were less immediate connotations, political or otherwise, when it came to God, more room to maneuver. Jesus, on the other hand,
Rejection and the Good News
was a lightning rod, and not just among my peers. Committing to him felt infinitely more specific and potentially demanding.
To do so risked alienating those who identified with other traditions (or no tradition). And yet, I found that God-without-Jesus didn't have much to say to me in my rejection and anger.
What I would learn a couple of years later—and what I continue to learn to this day—is that a faith without Jesus at 'its center crumbles. I might not have said as much at the time, but my conception of God-without-Jesus was basically a larger, more powerful version of me; or my father; or worse, an authority figure like my water polo coach.
But the God-revealed-in-Jesus—"the image of the invisible God" as Colossians 1:15 puts it—challenges and even contradicts our expectations of who God should be. We want status.
We want favor. We want to impress, and to lead. Yet Jesus was not driven by ego. He was not consumed by what Brené Brown calls "the shame-based fear of being ordinary,"' or what I might call "the shame-based fear of not being captain."
Instead, Jesus gave up his position at the right hand of God to mix it up with sinners like you and me. He refused to relate to others on the basis of their performance or popularity; in fact, he seemed most interested in those who had been voted down by society or cast aside (and not always unfairly).
I wish I had known then that God is not just like us but bigger, whether that be the worst parts of us or the best. I wish I had grasped the good news of the gospel. Because it is only a God unlike us—a God unbound by fear or the need for approval— who can save us from ourselves.
This Jesus was rejected by his closest disciples—his teammates, if you will—but he did not reject them in return. His right-hand man Peter flat-out denied knowing Jesus three times, at moments when it might have done either of them some good, and yet Jesus refused to disown Peter after his resurrection.
1. Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead (New York: Gotham, 2012), pias
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Believe it or not, he gave the man more authority rather than less. The least captain-like was appointed captain.
On the cross, Jesus took on the full weight of our faulty judgments, casual cruelties, and thirst for glory, and allowed it to crush him. The One who could walk on water was drowned for the sake of those who had turned against him. This includes you.
THE Jesus | WANT You To KNow God is not who you want him to be—and that's okay. More than okay! He does not play by your rules. The voices that echo through the halls of every high school, and sometimes in our own heads, are different from the voice of God. His approval of you is not subject to any vote or public opinion. It is only dependent on the death and resurrection of Jesus.
This means that the rejection you fear—indeed, the rejection you might experience from your peers or from the authority figures in your life—is not the rejection of God.
He would rather reject himself than be alienated from you.
As Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 1:18—20a: "As surely as God is faithful, our word to you has not been Yes and No. For the Son of God, Jesus-Christ, whom we proclaimed among you, Silvanus and Timothy and I, was not Yes and No; but in him it is always
Yes. For all the promises of God find their Yes in him."
For every banquet that goes disastrously wrong in this life, there is one to come in the next life that will not disappoint, where every tearful rejection will be made right and every angry outburst soothed.
Funny as it sounds (and painful as it feels!), every rejection you experience now brings you closer to the heart of God in a way that you can hardly imagine.
Myles and I spoke on the phone recently, twenty years on, and we both agreed that I would've made an insufferable captain. Fortunately, God saved me from what I wanted, and he will save you too.
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DEVOTIONAL QUESTIONS
Read Colossians 1:15—20.
1. What do you learn about Jesus through this passage?
How has he made all things right?
The author of chapter 14 shares his personal experience with rejection. How can you relate?
How does Jesus's rejection shape your perspective on approval and status? ea 2 EN eM PH NP ENOUGHNESS (noun): The reality that you lack nothing.
What this means for you: There will be times when you feel inadequate—like you don't quite measure up. The truth is—on your own, you could never measure up. But in Christ, you are more than enough. You lack nothing and are fully accepted by God the Father.
He 6ea dae eee erg A PEE ge Na see de eect eee
Conformity and Freedom by Melina Smith n 1992, I was thirteen years old, in the seventh grade, and living the dream. Troll dolls were all the rage; The Cure's
"Friday I'm in Love" was number one on the air waves; Will Smith was on the cover of Teen Magazine; and I loved Jesus and knew he loved me.
You see, I grew up in Arizona, which is a pretty great place to grow up when you're figuring yourself out. The West provides the illusive freedom of self-discovery. There is no dress code, so I was welcome to try on as many hats (Blossom hats included) as I wanted. It felt like real freedom to me—like real
Christian freedom.
In the nineties I attended an urban middle school with some rough edges. I had classmates who were in various neighborhood gangs. Some were pregnant, and others went to drinking parties in the desert. I, on the other hand, was a straight-edge, imaginative kid. I followed the rules, lived in my daydreams, and loved my little Arizona life.
I distinctly remember being in first period and trying to figure out why my English partner, Stephanie, was puking most mornings, and why her belly seemed to be growing with each passing month. Like I said, the edges were rough, but I never o4
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felt pressured to fit in; I was in the West, after all—the great space where I could be me, walk my own path, totally confident in who Jesus made me to be.
My middle school years flew by and soon I transitioned to Mesa High in 1994, which was in the largest suburban city in Arizona. The new school had all the trappings of a "better" school in a "better" neighborhood. It was made up primarily of kids from well-to-do LDS families (Mormons), and was dominated by a sense of hyper-moralism. Before then, I had never known even a whiff of cultural constraints or moralism or the social elite. Soon, I realized there were new rules to follow, which included the basics I had learned in church. The rules went like this:
1. NO SEX
2. NO DRUGS
3. NO THRASH METAL
And then to really fit in and earn extra social points, you had to follow unspoken and ever-changing rules of what it meant to be "good."
At first I thought to myself, Thzs should be easy, I got this. I can follow the Golden Rule. Iam a Christian. lama good kid. I will ease right in. Homecoming Queen, here I come!
After about a semester, I found myself shifting and changing myself to fit in, which I never saw happening. I began to feel like one of those new housing developments—where people and things need to look the same to fit in.
The changes that took shape were subtle at first. I became so agreeable, never wanting to be too different, or to push the norm. I began to notice how different I was from the other kids.
My Mexican self suddenly began to hide. Unlike my experience in middle school, I was no longer okay with being different. I became less and less myse/f as I tried to keep up with everyone else. I became less honest about who I was, and pretended to take interest in things I had never even heard of. Slowly over
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time, the rules began to chip away, and my life began to take the shape of a Caboodle box.
1990's Glossary:
A Caboodle box is an oversized beauty product organizer that every teenage girl had. Caboodles have compartments for your scrunchies, your makeup, your jewelry, your crafts, or any other small items you might need to store.
I slowly began to Caboodle my life: I put my faith in Jesus in one compartment, my mixed heritage of being Mexican and Filipino in another compartment, my struggles in another one, and any successes in a different one. Everything was there, but it was tucked away in compartments without any integration. I found myself downplaying the distinctives of my Christian faith with my Mormon friends, which I had never done in middle school. I traded my freedom—a.k.a. the gospel—for a false gospel that had all the trappings of religious dog, rather than living or breathing.
It was as if I was trapped in The Twilight Zone episode eight, "It's a Good Life."' The episode revolves around a small town and family trying to be "good" for a little boy named Anthony.
The rules changed constantly, leaving the entire community trapped in fear of being zapped away for not being good enough.
Looking back, that is the kind of fear I lived under, the fear of being zapped away. I believed the only way out was to hide and compartmentalize.
My senior year of high school, I gave a speech at graduation.
I cringe thinking of it now. A few years ago I listened to it, and could only find sparks of who I am today. I shared jokes that I thought certain friends would appreciate. The entire speech was written to an unknown audience, because I had become unknown to myself. I wish I would have been more secure in the love Christ had over me—the real me.
1. The Twilight Zone, Season 3, Episode 8, "It's a Good Life," directed by James Sheldon and Rod Serling, November 3, 1961, CBS.
Conformity and Freedom
I wish I would have remembered in high school that God is so creative, and he has made us each so uniquely. I had forgotten that God put the stars in the sky, created the jungles, and made me to thrive in Christian freedom. God did not make me to be trapped in a self-made Caboodle.
THE Jesus | WisH | KNEW IN HIGH SCHOOL The trouble with humans, both teenagers and grown-ups, is that we live with so much fear and anxiety. We are afraid that we will be found unworthy of God's love and zapped away. So we compartmentalize our lives and hide the parts of ourselves that seem inferior. The fear of rejection is powerful, often leaving us paralyzed. It prevents us from acknowledging who we actually are and enjoying the forgiveness we have in Christ.
Looking back at my teen life, I am reminded of Nicodemus.
He was part of the religious crew—the Pharisees—battling the "candy crush" of ever-changing rules. Nicodemus and I definitely would have vibed. He neither belonged to the physical rough edges of the world, nor did he really find his place with the elite do-gooders. You get the sense he knew Jesus was the real deal, and that life with him meant freedom. But fear forced him to meet Jesus in the dark of night, like forbidden fruit.
Jesus tells him, "But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God" (John 3:21 nrv).
I can so relate to Nicodemus. I sensed that Jesus had the goods, the kind of freedom that would allow me the freedom to be myself, to walk into the light. And Nicodemus sensed this too. That is why in the end, even though it was in the dark,
Nicodemus snuck off to remove Jesus's body from the cross and take it to a tomb. I had a sense of the real Jesus—I could see it and feel it—but all too often I tucked him and myself away, only to be seen privately in the dark when no one was looking.
I wish I had known that God works with the insecure edges of our lives; the edges—both internal and external—are exactly
THE JESUS! WISH I KNEW IN HIGH SCHOOL
where Jesus calls us to our true identity. In high school, where everyone was competing for the moral high ground, Jesus simply functioned as a means to an end. He was simply a footnote in our lives. I wish I had known that God wasn't like a teenage boyfriend—in love with you one day and out the next.
Or like the capricious, impulsive Anthony from The Twilight Zone, ready to zap me away at any moment. God does not vacillate in his feelings toward us; as cheesy as it may sound, God truly is a solid rock, a firm foundation that cannot be shaken
During my middle school life there was no pretension about who was good and who was bad. It was assumed that everyone was working life out, whatever was thrown at them, teen moms and all. That kind of life gave us perspective and the freedom to be ourselves. When you truly see yourself, without fear of being zapped, you can live honestly and transparently, knowing your help comes from God.
THE Jesus | WANT You To KNow The gospel I want you to know is that Jesus shows up over and over again for people with rough edges and insecurity. He shows up everywhere, especially in the unexpected places. Jesus rolls in for the blind, the lepers, and the prostitutes. And he's here for "the goodies," and "the baddies," and people like me living that Caboodle life. God made us as individuals and he gives us both the ups and downs so that we might find our help in him.
When you find yourself tucking parts of yourself away— any part—know that Jesus sees it, covers it, and is with you in those places. You see, the God who created and placed the sun, the moon, and the stars in the sky, is the same God who knows you, loves you, and is for you. He is the One who designed the wings of butterflies, who gives us life in full color, who has created you and will meet you wherever you find yourself.
Hang on to the truth that God is hanging on to you, and that while you might have placed all the pieces of your life into the tiny compartments of a Caboodle box, Jesus will put you
Conformity and Freedom
back together again. He will make you whole so you can walk into the light.
PS. The piecing together again won't just happen once.
Rather, it happens over and over and over again. This is what life is actually all about; it's the tension of what it means to be human.
DEVOTIONAL QUESTIONS
Read John 3:1-21.
1. When Nicodemus comes to meet with Jesus in the dark of night, how does Jesus respond?
The author of chapter 15 describes hiding her true self for the sake of being accepted. Have you ever worn a "mask" to fit in?
3. How does the love, grace, and unconditional acceptance of Jesus allow you to walk into the light as one uniquely created by God?
WORTHY (noun): The reality that your life has -value.
What this means for you: God knew you before the creation of the world. He counted every hair on your head. He knew your name and had a plan for your life. These truths assure you that you are worthy—that your life has meaning. These truths shape who you are.
C .
GC: la I) } Ini 1] Hy} i} Flaws and Faithfulness by Lauren Hansen n the spring of 1995 I was thirteen, and I was to meet a boy in the woods.
I have no idea how this meeting was set up. I only recall that I thought he liked me. And that opportunity for affirmation was enough for me. I told my babysitter I was going to go on a walk. I blow-dried my hair and then swept it up behind a perfectly placed headband. I put on a full face of makeup and made sure to select the most kissable lip gloss. I picked out my wardrobe to look pretty and feminine: a white blouse with skyblue embroidered flowers at the top and my best jeans to match.
Finally, I examined myself in the mirror, took a deep breath, and headed out the door.
We were to meet in the woods at a boulder the size of a Chevy; I arrived at the location first. I positioned myself so that the light coming through the trees would perfectly frame my face, while I casually leaned up against the rock. After a few minutes, I heard him approach.
It was all over quickly.
He greeted me, asked how I was, and then he left.
Nothing happened.
Flaws and Faithfulness
What was that? | thought. He must not like me. Why doesn't he like me? Then I firmly concluded, It must have been how big my hips looked leaning up against that rock.
Self-worth is a tricky find. Ever since I can remember, I wanted to be loved. I craved to be loved. I searched high and low in all the wrong places. I thought that love had to be earned, that I had to be what people wanted in order to get their love in return. And if I could just mold myself into their expectations, then I'd find what I so desired.
I thought if I got good grades, my teachers and administrators would love me. SoI made straight As. I thought if I excelled in an extracurricular activity, I'd earn praise from parents and peers. So I was on the dance team. I thought if I looked like a magazine cover model, I'd be the envy of every girl and the desire of every boy. So I starved myself.
Anorexia was the sharp tool I used to carve the best image of me. I quickly learned that I could shape myself into smallersized clothes, starve myself into jealous compliments, and harm myself into the sixteen-year-old ideal. I have never received more compliments in my life than when I was dangerously underweight. All that affirmation cloaked the ugly truth of my addiction. I would lie, flake out, judge others, suffer mood swings, and feel consistent physical pain, all for the sake of love and acceptance. My mom, a former model herself, took me to a modeling agency to assess me as potential talent. What would they change about me before putting me onto the runway?
They'd pluck my eyebrows.
I had come that close to "perfection."
And it was totally empty.
My desires and efforts were crushing. If I eat this forbidden food, will my body grow larger, and will I lose love? If they really knew me, would they like me at all? Do I even like myself? My mind constantly raced with calculations of doing enough. Getting 100 percent on a quiz, not missing one move on the dance team and, of course, not eating anything beyond my list of acceptable food
THE JESUS! WISH I KNEW IN HIGH SCHOOL
and caloric intake, which must have been only enough to feed a fish. I ran myself ragged to be perfect and to be enough.
And I actually got darn close to meeting the world's standards.
Until it all came crashing down.
Thanksgiving night of my senior year in high school my family members were out of the house, so I was alone, just me versus the sweet potato casserole—my favorite Thanksgiving dish. The brown sugar, pecans, and butter, with a few yams hidden underneath. Of course, with my eating disorder, I had not had sweet potato casserole in many-a-Thanksgiving. But my unflinching self-control failed me in that moment, all alone in the house on a chilly fall evening. I ate a bite of sweet potatoes.
Then a few more bites after that. And then I immediately began calculating how to negate my lapse in judgment. I decided I'd go on arun. But with the weather, I could not go outside, so I decided I would jog a loop inside my house. Great plan!
I turned on TVs in multiple rooms, and cruised around the house while watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off. So I'm jogging and congratulating myself on what a whiz I am at this whole perfection thing, and then I see my cat. My sweet kitty had saucersized black eyes. He was terrified. Of me. Something about that moment, jogging around my house while my cat looked on in horror made me realize for the first time that I had lost control of myself.
What do we do when we realize that we've put our hope in all the wrong places? It's a very humbling situation, isn't it?
You think you're all you've got. You think you can handle it.
You think your whole life rests on your shoulders. And then you fail. It was in this precise moment of failure when God came to Save me.
THE Jesus | WisH | KNEW IN HIGH SCHOOL A friend invited me to a Bible study on the book of John for a small group of high school seniors. I had never read the Bible,
Flaws and Faithfulness %3 except for treating it like a Magic 8-Ball from time to time and receiving answers that never made much sense. The parables that I would flip to without fail always tripped me up. But for the first time in that Bible study, I read the whole story of Jesus, and John 3:16 finally made the gospel come alive to me: "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life." It struck me: for God so loved me that he'd given up his Son, his only Son, to win me. Me! It may sound overly simplistic, but that truth was the affirmation I'd always searched for; from the moment that verse clicked, I was saved and on the path to physical healing, just weeks into the Bible study.
What I needed—a Savior—I had; and it had nothing to do with my appearance or efforts. My worth, bigger and more beautiful than I ever imagined it could be, was a gift from God.
I had nothing to do but accept it. Everything else paled in comparison to the light and gift of Christ.
The Jesus who revealed himself to me with only a few short weeks of high school remaining is the Jesus I wish I'd known in all of high school. He gave me a renewed mind. I thought that I could not be acceptable without earning acceptance. I thought
I'd always have to strive in order to be liked. I thought that if I ever truly let people in, they'd find something they didn't like and would abandon me. | thought that life was a masquerade ball where we were all just shuffling around, attracted to the shiniest mirage.
Jesus is different.
I am acceptable because he calls me accepted. I don't have to strive to be liked; I am so loved that God gave me his Son. I can let people in, because the only Person
I truly needed let me in and he will never abandon me. I'm a sojourner in this fallen world with the Lord walking beside me all the way to heaven.
Christian, we are totally loved by God through Christ, and it has nothing to do with being pleasing through physical appearance. God designed us, created us, and sent his only begotten Son to die for us. Why? Because he loves us. God's love
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is different: it can't be earned and won't stop for anything. We could be Instagram perfection, or we could hardly get a single
"like"——neither of those realities change God's abiding love, adoration, and approval of us one bit.
THE Jesus | WANT You To KNow Friend, lay down your striving. You do not have to earn your worth. As a child of God, you are worthy beyond calculation.
Find your rest in your identity in Christ, and strive no more under the heavy weight of looking right, fitting in, or being perfectly pleasing. As a Christian, God looks at you and sees Christ.
You are without stain or blemish. You are adored. Know that Jesus counts you worthy. And, when in doubt, look to the love he showed you on the cross.
DiscUSSION QUESTIONS Read John 3:16.
1. How would you define the word world? Are you included in God's proclamation of love for the whole world?
What parts of yourself—physically or otherwise—do you wish were different?
IfGod created you perfectly in his image, how does this transform the way that you see yourself, particularly the things you can't change? What if you tried to see yourself the way God sees you—created with love and attention, and beautifully clothed in Jesus's perfect righteousness?
Flaws and Faithfulness NEW HEAVENS/NEW EARTH (nouns): At the end of time, Christ will return to the earth, and all will be made perfect. The heavens and earth will join together as one, like Eden.
What this means for you: This world is not your true home; it is not the end of your story. You have an eternal story awaiting you in paradise, where everything wrong will be made right—where there will be no more tears, sickness, or sadness.
No matter what you face each day, you have this certain hope of what's to come. This is only the beginning.
Hae iH) y Fear and Courage by Scott Sauls still remember the feeling I had walking into my first day of high school.
I was afraid.
Would people like me? Or would they ignore me, or worse, make fun of me? Would they notice the acne on my face, or my big goofy hair, or how embarrassingly skinny I was? Well, of course they would. But would I be punished, bullied, or mistreated for these things—things I had no power to change?
It didn't take long to get an answer to the question my fears were asking. The answer was yes.
In my freshman fitness class, it didn't take long for my tall, lanky body to earn me the nicknames "Stick" and "Q-Tip." The coach who taught the class gave me both of these names. During the same semester, the prettiest girl in homeroom—the girl I had a secret crush on at the ttme—nominated me to represent our homeroom in the annual "Mister Pretty Legs" contest.
Wanting to be a good sport, I accepted the prettiest girl's nomination. Two weeks later, all of us who were nominated wore shorts to school. The contest was held during a pep rally at lunch time. When it was their turn, each contestant would step on stage in front of the entire school and be scored by how
Fear and Courage Q7 loudly their fellow students, including freshmen, sophomores, juniors, and seniors, cheered. Ken, who ran track and played varsity football and had Olympic thighs, quads, and calves, went right before me. Predictably, the student body cheered with loud, passionate approval as Ken flexed his perfectly chiseled, muscular legs.
Then, it was my turn. My fellow students' roaring cheers 'turned into roaring laughter. There I stood, the joke of the school—the six foot five, 130-pound stick—mortified. The pretty girl nominated me not out of admiration for my legs, but to ensure that everyone could get a good laugh at my expense. It was humiliating.
From that point forward, I told myself that I would do anything for that sort of thing to never happen to me again.
Whatever it took, I would deflect attention away from my weakest and most embarrassing feature (or so I had been taught to think)—my body type—by becoming special, unique, a stand-out of some sort.
My first attempt at standing out was to try the class clown route. I disrespected my teachers in class, making jokes instead of taking the class seriously. It got me some detentions and some warnings, but it felt worth it because of the positive attention | was getting from my classmates. Instead of teasing me for my skinny frame, they were laughing at my disrespectful jokes. One day, my humor stooped to its lowest low when I looked across the room at a girl named Ann, and in front of everyone said,
"Hey Ann! You are the ugliest girl I have ever seen!" Ann was devastated, but the whole class laughed. And since the whole class laughed, I did it again, except this time to Dean. "Hey
Dean!" I said, "You are the dumbest boy I've ever known!"
Again, the class laughed, but Dean was humiliated.
Truthfully, I walked away from class that day feeling dirty and ashamed. Even now, as a middle-aged adult, I feel horrible about what I did to Ann and Dean that day. I had been so desperate for attention, so desperate for approval, and so desperate
THE JESUS! WISH! KNEW IN HIGH SCHOOL
not to be made fun of or bullied myself, that I had become a bully.
Next time you see a mean girl being mean, or a bully being a bully, remind yourself that mean girls are mean and bullies are bullies not because they feel good about themselves, but because they feel bad about themselves. Like me in high school, they are scared. Scared of rejection, scared of being invisible, scared of feeling like they don't matter. Sometimes we are tempted to do some pretty awful things when we feel scared.
Even after I quit trying to be a class clown, I still had my fears. I looked for other things besides being funny to tell me I was special, something to deflect attention away from my insecurity, my skinny body, my bushy hair, and all the other things that made me feel ashamed and afraid. So I turned to athletics, having a girlfriend, making better grades, and whatever else would help numb my ever-present social fears. But without Jesus, if I'm being honest, I was never able to shake my fear of rejection.
Many years later I watched the movie Wonder' with our two teenage daughters. (If you haven't seen the movie, I highly recommend it!) The movie did a spectacular job telling the truth about how hard it is being a teenager. The hero of the story is
Auggie and, like me in high school, he had lots of fears and insecurities and had been made fun of about his physical appearance. At the end of the film, he summarizes the experience of every single student, whether popular or invisible, beautiful or average looking, jocks or cheerleaders, academics or chess club members; he says to be kind to everyone, because everyone is fighting a hard battle.
THE Jesus | WisH | KNEW IN HIGH SCHOOL When I was in high school, I did not know Jesus like I know him now. I wish I had, because I would have known that I was not alone. I would have known that the One who made my skinny
1. Wonder, directed by Stephen Chbosky (2017; Santa Monica, CA: Lionsgate, 2018), DVD.
Fear and Courage be) body made me with purpose, and that he did not see me as a Stick or a Q-Tip ora reason to burst out into roaring laughter. Instead, he saw me as fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14), the apple of his eye (Psalm 17:8), and the crown of his creation
(Psalm 8:1—8), created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27).
If I had known Jesus Christ in high school, I would have also known that I didn't have to perform or make myself special by being funny or winning championships or becoming the MVP of a team. I would have known that he already delighted in me, not because of anything smart or funny or amazing that I had done, but simply because of his character.
He takes great delight in me (Zephaniah 3:17), is not ashamed of me (Hebrews 2:11), watches over me (Psalm
121:5—8), is always with me (Matthew 28:20), will never leave me (Hebrews 13:5), has adopted me (Romans 8:15—16), and is a friend who sticks closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24).
And? He has forgiven me for even the worst, meanest, dumbest, most hurtful things I have ever done. When he could condemn me, shame me, laugh at me, and dismiss me like the whole student body did that day—when he could say, "Hey
Scott! You're ugly!" or "Hey Scott! You're dumb!"—he does no such thing. Instead, he says to me, "Hey Scott! I love you! You matter! I'm proud of you! I want to be with you! I want you to know how special you are to me, and that there is nothing you can do to change that! I want you to know that I love you at all times, at your best and at your worst!"
With a friend like Jesus in high school, I imagine that I would not have felt such a need to protect myself from the things and people I feared most. In fact, I might have actually become an encourager to my fellow students who felt the same fears that I did. Because when Jesus draws close to us, he encourages us—he puts courage into us—so we can set our fears under the umbrella of his love and care, and encourage others.
Had I known Jesus in high school, I imagine also that I would have realized, at least on some level, that being funny and good-looking and popular and cool are fine and good as
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long as we don't hurt others; at the same time they are pretty overrated. In the end, it's kindness, like Auggie in Wonder lived—as opposed to being funny and good-looking and popular and cool—that will make the biggest difference. In fact, the older I get, the more convinced I become that being kind is so much better than being popular or cool. Because while being popular and cool might keep you from getting laughed at in high school, being kind is what will help you win at life.
And the earlier you start, the more remarkable and filled with wonder your life will be.
Cool might win high school. But kindness wins life. So, be kind then, because everyone you meet 1s fighting a hard battle.
I imagine that if I had been close to Jesus in high school, I _ would not have cared about being funny, and I would have tried to encourage my classmates—to put courage into them—instead of taking courage from them, by laughing at their expense.
I'm pretty sure that would have been the case. I wish, therefore, that I had started with Jesus much, much earlier in my life.
As the book of Ecclesiastes says, it is always best to get serious about God and get close to Jesus "in the days of your youth"
(21); THE Jesus | Want You To KNow What I wish I had known—and what I want for you—is to know that you matter to God, and there is nothing you can do to change that. He cannot love you more than he already does, and he will not love you less. Because of Jesus, God approves of you and will love you for all eternity.
Maybe this is why the most repeated command in the Bible is, "Do not fear." Specifically, the Bible says this 365 times—once for each day of the year. The reason you and I don't have to fear any more is that in Jesus, God is for us, and God is with us.
I hope this, more than anything else, will give you courage.
And I hope that in gaining the courage that comes from Jesus, you will also become kind.
Fear and Courage
DEVOTIONAL QUESTIONS
Read Zephaniah 3:14—-17.
1. How are you comforted by these words?
The author of chapter 17 bullied people out of fear and insecurity. Where do you find yourself acting out of fear and insecurity?
3. How does knowing the grace and affection of God help you to encourage others?
PERFORMANCE (noun): Accomplishing or fulfilling an act, task, or function.
What this means for you: It's tempting to make a name for yourself—in grades, friendships, and performance. It's tempting to prove your worth.
Even as a Christian, you can be tempted by religious performance.
But your performance can never make God love you more. And there's nothing you can do that would make him love you less.
You are secure in his love, regardless of how well you perform.
¢ ot cy Hy, iy, gy t © r il, wo fal e er ve Shame and Holiness by Kevin Yi A t the church I grew up in, our congregation would pick one weekend in the spring to have our Sunday service at an outdoor park. This was an opportunity for our community groups to picnic together, and to play games for prizes and rewards. The youth group would always have our own time for outdoor activities and games, and we would end early enough to watch our parents participate in their games. The adult games were usually pretty tame, and we'd stand around and make fun of the older adults as they attempted tug-of-rope, three-leggedraces, or digging for candy in piles of flour.
One particular year, I did something that I consider to be a trophy on the mantel of my lifetime's epic fails. As usual, our youth group played our own games at the beginning of the picnic, and when we made our way up the hill back to the main field where the adults were playing theirs, we saw 800 adults on their hands and knees crawling on the grass, looking for something that had obviously been lost.
What kind of lame game 1s this? | thought. You know what would be funny? Whatever it is they're looking for, I should pretend that I found it!
Shame and Holiness
And just like that, I ran into the sea of adults on their hands and knees, and shouted at the top of my lungs in Korean,
"BtQtO1 2 (Cha jah ssuh yo—I found it)!" And when all of the adults looked up at me, I just laughed and said, "No, I was just kidding!"
No. One. Laughed.
My youth pastor grabbed my arm and very quickly explained 'that one of our congregants had lost their incredibly expensive diamond ring, and all of the willing adults had spent the last twenty minutes combing the field area for it during lunch prep.
The blood drained from my face.
I had made this incredibly stupid faux pas in front of, literally, the entire church. I eventually made the walk of shame to my parents' community group picnic area, and it was a frosty reception. I felt like a deep disappointment to my parents that day. I had embarrassed them in front of our whole community.
My desire to be funny had brought shame on my family and, once again, I failed to live up to unspoken expectations of what brings honor to my parents.
Honor and shame. Growing up in a Korean home, these were the two guiding principles for understanding my relationship with my parents and their community of influence, especially at church. This means that it was my duty as a faithful son to do whatever I could to make sure that my parents appeared to be excellent, honorable parents who raised obedient, successful children. Whatever ideas I had about my own happiness and joy were frowned upon if that meant compromising my parents' standing in the community. So getting good grades, being accepted to Harvard, and receiving scholarships? Heaps of honor. Mess up at a piano recital or get in trouble at school for reckless and embarrassing behavior? Piles of shame.
Now, I don't blame my parents for this dynamic. By itself, this dynamic is not bad. Bringing honor to my parents 1s a biblical command, and to avoid doing things that would bring them shame is also a wise way to live. But within this framework, I came to view my relationship with God in the same exact way.
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I assumed God was happy with me when I brought him honor and did explicitly Christian things—like evangelize, attend church events, earn good grades, and exemplify good character. But what happened when I looked at pornography, cheated on an assignment, or failed to do my quiet time?
Certainly, I brought shame upon myself and upon God.
At times when I felt particularly shameful, I thought it best to take a break from my relationship with God. I thought I first needed to work on improving myself, and then I could come to him with my accomplishments and hopefully make up for my mistakes.
As a teenager, this was my understanding of how things worked. Jesus was the doorway to a relationship with God, but once I was saved, it was on me to prove my worth to him every single day. And I carried this mindset all throughout my high school and college years. It led me through tiresome and draining cycles of love and hate with the Lord. On one hand, I knew he loved me and I wanted to love him; on the other hand,
I never felt as though I was good enough to truly be accepted.
My relationship with God was always based on how I viewed my own performance. When I thought I was honoring
God through my actions, I was secure. But when I was living in ways that were shameful, I was filled with doubt.
THE Jesus | WisH I KNEW IN HIGH SCHOOL It took mea very long time to recognize that this way of thinking was not consistent with the gospel. God used an Old Testament story, the account of Israel's most famous sin, to open my eyes to his magnificent, shame-busting gospel. It's the story of the Golden Calf, found in Exodus 32. God's people are just starting out on their journey across the wilderness to the Promised
Land; they have just been freed from slavery in Egypt.
In this particular scene, the Israelites are parked in front of Mount Sinai, and they've just committed themselves to following God's law. God then invites Moses to join him on the
Shame and Holiness T0% mountain, to receive the tablets of the law. But when Moses has been gone for quite some time, God's people rebel against Aaron, who is Moses's older brother and second in command.
They demand that Aaron make them new gods to lead them.
(It turns out, you can take the people out of Egypt, but you can't take Egypt out of the people.) How do you think Aaron responds? Does he tell them to have patience? Nope. Does he tell them that making new gods is a bad idea? Nope.
He promptly gives in, gathers up all of their gold jewelry, melts it down, fashions a calf, and declares it to be their new god.
Moses is immediately alerted to the Israelites' sin, and he rushes back down the mountain to witness the ensuing chaos as Israel descends into idolatry. When Moses confronts his brother about what happened, Aaron fumbles around and says that he took the Israelites' gold and "threw it into the fire, and out came this calf" (Exodus 32:24). The story continues, ". .
. Moses saw that the people had broken loose (for Aaron had let them break loose, to the derision of their enemies)" (v. 25). It hit me: Aaron's actions had caused all of Israel to fall into sin, and therefore bring shame to the people of God and God himself. Instead of the word derision, the CSB and NIV translations of the Bible say that Israel had become a "laughingstock," and in the Message paraphrase, a disgrace.
Deep in my soul, I get Aaron. Because Iam Aaron.
Like Aaron, I have been an embarrassment to myself, my church, my friends, and my family. ''ve messed up so many times—and failed in such spectacularly un-Christlike ways— that I have felt deeply unworthy to be called a Christian.
Aaron's story doesn't end here.
Moses prays on behalf of Aaron, and God not only spares his life, but the next time we see Aaron in Exodus 39, he is being clothed in holy, priestly garments—designed exclusively for the priests. These garments were made with the finest materials, and were decorated with precious stones that represented the twelve tribes of Israel. But it is the description of Aaron's crown
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that really catches my attention. Exodus 28:36 says, "You shall make a plate of pure gold and engrave on it, like the engraving of a signet, 'Holy to the Lorn."
This means that the highlight of the priestly garment was a crown that showed off to all of Israel: the wearer of this crown is unique, special, precious, to be set apart for the Lord. You see, Jesus is the greater Moses, who prays on our behalf so that we would be presented before God as "Holy to the Lorn." Just as Aaron is clothed in the finest robes and presented before all of the Israelites, so we are robed in Christ's righteousness, the crowning glory before the entire universe (see Ephesians 2:4—9).
This changed everything. I finally understood that God's grace for me is not something he had to do as some kind of obligation. The Father's grace for me is truly lavish and shocking.
Had I really understood this as a teenager, I would have spent less time trying to earn my standing before God, and more time enjoying the relationship that was available to me through Jesus
Christ. Rather than seeing my spiritual practices of prayer, Bible reading, and volunteering at church as ways to receive God's acceptance, I could have experienced all of those things as a way to enjoy his presence. And during the times when things were hard for me, I wouldn't have viewed it as some kind of harsh punishment for my sinful behavior, but rather, I could have gone through those difficult times knowing that Jesus was with me through my suffering.
THE Jesus | WANT You To KNow Reader, because of what Jesus has done on your behalf, you never have to question God's unending love and care for you.
He is forever invested in your salvation. He does not shame you, but has eternally dignified you and promised a great inheritance through Jesus. Just like Aaron, because of Jesus, you and I are no longer the chief of sinners—we are holy and set apart, prepared to do the work of the kingdom of God with gratitude and passion.
Shame and Holiness
DEVOTIONAL QUESTIONS
Read Exodus 28:36—38.
How might you describe the God who, instead of punishing Aaron, clothes him with holy robes and a le. plate of gold?
The author of chapter 18 describes his desire to behave well for both God and his family. Have you ever felt similarly, or distant from God when you failed?
Because of the grace of Jesus, what does God actually think of you when you fail?
THE HONOR/SHAME WORLDVIEW (noun):
Honor—Shame Is a way that many cultures see the world. Honor is given to people who act in line with a shared social code; anyone who fails to live up to that code has shame placed upon them. We see this most often in social media interactions, where we have to be careful what we post, lest we get
"cancelled." This worldview can sometimes curb bad behavior, but it can also leave us feeling deeply unworthy.
What this means for you: The gospel is good news EES OB a et Se eS Se er for this worldview because your identity and worth are no longer dependent on you doing all of the right things. You are now secure in what Christ has done for you. Though you will stumble and fail often, you will never be "cancelled" by God because the gospel says that you area beloved child of God.