10 Beyond the Victim: Swimming in the Deep Waters of Church Politics

Beyond the Victim

Swimming in the Deep Waters of Church Politics

Leaders are responsible for both the big structures that serve as cornerstones of confidence, and for the human touches that shape a positive emotional climate to inspire and motivate people.

Speaking the truth in love, we must grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ.

As you have read through this book, you probably have said to yourself more than once, But Annette! You don’t understand my situation. The kids are great, but managing relationships with their parents and the church leadership is the hard part!

I get it. Many things you are responsible for are out of your control. You don’t always get to set your own event dates. Sometimes, a project or event gets dumped on your desk at the eleventh hour (like when your boss says, “You can do a little something for the kids during this all-church event this Sunday night, can’t you? . . . With food? . . . For between twenty and two hundred?”). And even when you follow all the procedures perfectly, even when you get your event, music practice, or program scheduled exactly the right way, you can still get bumped by someone who “forgot” to follow the same procedures you were told to follow.

If you think there might be a story behind my attitude, there most certainly is! I was building a worship team for my elementary ministry, struggling mightily to put together some live worship music for the kids. After months of planning, cajoling, and recruiting, I found a drummer and a guitar player with a love for Jesus and for kids. I planned to fill in on the keyboard. But we needed to practice before Sunday morning. My new band members were busy people, and they were willing to sacrifice some personal time, each driving a good distance to come to practice. I found a time that worked for all of us, followed all the required protocols, reserved the room according to church policy, requested the appropriate media support, and invited my fellow musicians.

We were ready to prepare for leading our children in worship the next Sunday, the date the kids had been promised they would have a live band of their very own. But no sooner than had we gotten our equipment set up, young adults began flooding into our practice space. When I explained that we had the space reserved, the young adult pastor just smiled and walked down the hall.

A few minutes later, I received a call from the senior pastor’s office asking me to give up the room. Of course, I should understand that since there would be more young adults coming, and because there were only three of us scheduled to practice, we should yield the space to the larger group.

I was frustrated and more than a little embarrassed. Of course, I gave up the space, and we ended up cancelling the practice. But I felt like I had let my team down. They had given up family time at my request. And I felt like my church had let me down. If you’ve ever felt this way, this chapter is for you.

Sore Loser

I lost the battle of the rehearsal space. For some reason the sting of “losing” at church hurt a lot more than I might have expected. I had the rug pulled out from under me by the very people who told me to stand on the rug in the first place! I’m sure the hurt was made more intense because I had such high expectations of how working in a church would and should feel. This was a far cry from what I expected.

I came out of that experience resolved that if the children’s ministry was ever going to be all that it could be, it was up to me to make it happen. I couldn’t count on anyone else on the church staff to take it up for me. The church had hired me to be the champion of the children’s ministry. And if our kids were to get the kind of attention and priority they deserved and needed, it would be up to me. No number of unscheduled, uncalendared, interrupting, impolite young adult meetings could deter me from that singular mission. (Okay, I might have been a teensy bit bitter.)

I put my head down, doing everything I could to move the ministry forward. When people looked at me, I wanted them to see a hardworking, no-nonsense woman with a laser focus. I was on a singular mission, and I would not be distracted, especially by other programs of the church. So, there I was, me against the world, or at least me against the rest of the church staff.

Turns out, this may not have been the most productive strategy for building a thriving, sustainable children’s ministry. By increasingly isolating myself from the rest of the church staff, I isolated myself from the rest of the church. Ours would be the best children’s ministry ever, and—I’m embarrassed to say out loud—I didn’t really care what happened to the rest of the church.

I would have been happy to see that rule-breaking, room-usurping, young adult staff person’s ministry sink like a rock, forgetting that we were working in the same boat. My attitude was pretty stinky at that point. But somehow, this became the beginning point of discovering the road out of being a victim of church politics and into navigating this sometimes bumpy road with a joyful resilience and a healthy dose of humor.

A New Word for Politics

Few of us like the idea of playing politics, especially in our own congregations. It feels wrong and unspiritual for politics to be in the church in any way. We see politics as a way for people to broker power by being manipulative, underhanded, and divisive. In fact, one definition of politics carries this exact emphasis: “to deal with people in an opportunistic, manipulative, or devious way, as for job advancement.”

Most of us have had the experience of feeling like the victim of someone else’s manipulative techniques when we have felt taken advantage of for the sake of someone else’s less than noble agenda. I don’t want to minimize any of our experiences, but I would like to ask you to look at church politics from a slightly different angle.

Proverbs 21:2 says, “All deeds are right in the sight of the doer, but the LORD weighs the heart.” It is easy, from our self-referential perspectives, to feel pretty good about the actions we’re taking in the church. Our motives feel good and healthy to us. But only God can accurately evaluate our motives, and the motives of those we work alongside.

The next time you feel like someone in the church is being devious and manipulative, remember there’s a good chance that the person merely wants to “get the job done” and probably even “bear fruit for God.” And, if Proverbs is right and I can’t accurately evaluate my own motives, I’m likely not going to do a very good job at guessing someone else’s.

Dan Reiland writes in an article called “Church Politics,”

It’s rarely malice that drives the personal agenda. It’s more often good people who really believe that what they are doing (what they want) is right. The problem is that good people who are attempting to do good things lose sight of the big picture and begin to justify their part of the mission as The Mission.

Instead of focusing on a word as loaded as politics, I want to suggest that we use a new word, one that feels more clearly consistent with values of the gospel: relationships. Before we can have politics in the church, we have to have relationships (good ones or unhealthy ones)—no relationships, no politics. If we took politics out of the conversation and replaced it with relationships, we would hear ourselves saying things like

Yes, relationships can be messy. But cutting ourselves off from others for the sake of “getting the job done” is worse. This kind of isolation leads to misguided assumptions, loneliness, and ironically not getting the job done. So how do we navigate the challenging, unpredictable waters of church relationships in a way that protects the health of our ministries, our churches, and our coworkers?

Making Relationships Count

When it comes to accomplishing the work of the ministry, the simplest tool we have is relationships. When I became laser focused on building our children’s ministry, I began missing opportunities to build relationships with anyone outside our children’s ministry.

As a young elementary coordinator at a large church, I started out energetic and passionate. It wasn’t long, though, before I was buried under a mountain of tasks that threatened to consume my energy and passion.

I was stressed out. I was overwhelmed. And I consistently lacked the volunteer support our ministry needed. I barely was keeping all the plates spinning. I felt alone and clueless about how to build the ministry I knew the kids deserved.

I was sitting at my desk one day, completely spent, and knew I had to take a walk. I had a few things I needed to tell Jesus about this ministry he had gotten me into. This was his ministry after all. In my lament, I wondered if anyone else in the church really cared what happened with our kids. (Maybe you’ve been on the same walk.) Out of nowhere, I came to a slow realization. I didn’t have a single friend I was spending time with outside of my children’s ministry friends.

There was no one in any other area of the church I felt connected with enough to call on for support. I had been trying to get the job done, but in the process I had walled myself and my piece of the ministry off from the rest of the church. I had built my very own silo, and it wasn’t working so well. And my teammates were drowning in the same deep water.

I realized that none of us likes to work with people who don’t like to work with us. My hyper-ministry-focused isolation had communicated, without my even trying, that I didn’t like and really didn’t care about any ministry in the church but my own. In addition to my stance being less than faithful to the values of Jesus, it wasn’t helping our children’s ministry one bit.

I came back from my walk more clear than ever that it was time for me to step out of my isolation. It started out simply enough. I went out on a limb and actually talked to people in the copy room. I had always seen other people on the church staff as an interruption and distraction to my “real” work.

Then I took a big step and invited a coworker out for lunch. Eventually, I invited a few people to our home for dinner, with fear and trembling, knowing how limited my cooking skills were.

Ministry life was still very busy, so building relationships outside my tight, little children’s ministry bubble took work. But after a few months, I actually had people on the church staff I called my friends. And though I am no longer on staff with this church, I am still close to most of those people today, genuine friends whose value goes far beyond having someone to speak up for me in budget negotiations or having a lunch buddy who will join me for sushi.

I love the way Gary Chapman describes the “love bank” in his book The Five Love Languages. In “relationship economics,” our transactions with each other work not all that different from a bank account. The rules of deposits and withdrawals hold true in marriages, parent-child relationships, and friendships at every level.

When we invest in a friendship, our investment of time and effort gets deposited in our friend’s love bank. The deposit may come in the form of giving encouragement, being a sounding board, or offering wisdom or a fresh perspective. But each positive exchange builds relational capital.

The opposite is true as well, of course. When we snub someone, ignore or dismiss them, we make a withdrawal from their love bank. I was blind to the reality that my isolationist habits were constantly making withdrawals. Do you ever wonder why the choir can get anything they want from the budget committee? Most likely it’s because your choir director has built relationships well.

I had assumed that everyone else was playing politics while I was just doing my job. The truth is that I was playing politics. I was just playing very poorly. I realize now that every opportunity I had to partner with a coworker outside the children’s ministry was not an interruption to my job. It was not just an opportunity to bless me with a life-giving friendship but an opportunity to expand the impact of our ministry as well.

Here are two important warnings. If we build friendships only as a way to further our agenda, we really are playing an ugly, self-centered kind of politics. At first, this was my approach. I set out to make friends because I thought it would help our ministry. I wanted to have friends who would make sure that children’s ministry wasn’t forgotten if I wasn’t included in an important meeting. But when we treat people simply as a means to achieving our agenda (no matter how noble it is), we work at cross purposes with the heartbeat of the gospel.

Most relationships in the church will be with people who are relatively healthy and well-meaning, even if they disagree with us. If you stay in the church long enough though, there’s a chance you may come across someone who exhibits what Scott Peck calls “malignant narcissism.”

Not all relationships in the church are free of destructive intent, though fortunately most are. We would be naive to believe that if we try harder at relationships with colleagues, all will be sunshine and roses. Investing in relationships serves as a solid foundation for navigating church politics, but this step does not guarantee the way will always be easy or clear.

Adding Value

There is something else our imaginary choir director does we can learn a great deal from. They find ways to bring value to the church, not just the music department.

In most churches, music is a big deal and for good reason. When the music is good, the congregation relaxes just a little bit more. When something is off in the music department, you can be sure there will be drama. Since music is central to most worship services, your music director doesn’t have to go out of the way to bring value to the entire church.

For children’s ministers, the task of adding value beyond the children’s ministry requires a little more work. It starts with deciding to be team players.

I know, none of us has time to take on yet another project. And if partnering with your church’s youth department feels like a last-minute fire drill, then find other programs to support. But it’s essential that we find ways to make a positive contribution to other people’s ministries, not just our own. So get out your calendar and identify a few events this year where you and your team can lend support to someone else’s ministry at a rate your team can handle with ease.

It could be as simple as being a cheerleader for the young adult ministry. If you have a resource that will help the older adults with their progressive dinner, share it. Over the summer, connect the youth director with your most helpful fifth-grade parents, knowing that most parents will allow their volunteer commitments to follow their children.

You can offer to have a few of your older elementary kids clean up after a women’s ministry meeting (and then take those kids out for a little pizza or ice cream afterwards—everybody wins!). Adding value to other people’s ministries doesn’t have to require heroic amounts of time, just a little creativity.

Becoming a Children’s Ministry Champion

You have probably noticed by now that the three steps I’ve identified in this chapter almost never show up in a children’s ministry job description. All three of these steps, though, help to create an ecosystem of cooperation and ease in working in your unique ministry context.

The truth is that most children’s ministries don’t receive nearly the attention we might hope from the congregation and church leadership. As the point leader in your ministry, you have a choice: you can complain or you can elevate the profile of the children’s ministry.

If you choose the second option, it’s important to know that this approach is exactly what your church wants from you. As children’s director, I never wanted to let a church staff meeting pass without celebrating something wonderful that had happened in the past week in the children’s ministry or a child, parent, or volunteer who revealed the work of the Spirit.

Most weeks, when it was my turn to talk in staff meeting, with a wink I would say something like, “Since children’s ministry is the most important department in the church . . .” One day, after making this kind of statement, my pastor asked me to stay after staff meeting for a minute. He said, “What you said today about children’s ministry being the most important ministry in the church . . .” My heart sank. I knew I was in trouble. “Yes,” I answered tentatively. He looked me in the eye and said, “Annette, I wouldn’t want a children’s director who felt any other way!” He smiled, I remembered to breathe, and we both went back to work, encouraged and grateful.

My pastor confirmed for me that one role I was hired for—which wasn’t in my job description—was to be a champion and advocate for children, their families, and our children’s ministry. In staff meeting, I recognized that everyone around the table was there to do the very same work for their ministries. I wanted to be careful to keep my comments light-hearted and fun. But I was making a point, and even on a bad day I got to promote the importance of children’s ministry within my own church.

Many children’s ministers feel like they shouldn’t say these kinds of things. It feels like bragging. The sad news is that if you don’t tell the good and miraculous news of what’s happening in the children’s ministry, most folks will never hear it. Sure, the youth director or the music minister may say something nice about what they observed in the children’s ministry, but only you have the exposure to give a new story every week.

I never consider it bragging when I talk about the sacrificial effort of a volunteer, the tender pastoral needs of a parent with a child in the hospital, or the contagious love of Jesus in a six-year-old boy. If we want our children’s ministries to be front and center for our church’s leadership, we get to create the buzz simply by telling a great story once a week. Over the years of watching lots of great children’s ministry workers, I’ve developed a list I call my “secret six”—six ways of we can add the championing of our children’s ministries into the regular flow of what we do.

1. Celebrate successes. It’s easy to get into the habit of completing an event, finishing a program, or wrapping up a meeting and moving as quickly as possible to the next thing. It doesn’t take that much extra work to gather your team after each event for fifteen minutes, let them celebrate a few God-sightings, thank them, and pray for them and for the kids you’ve gotten to serve.

There is always something worth celebrating, if we’re paying attention. You can celebrate with an email thanking your VBS volunteers or a bulletin announcement celebrating record attendance in Sunday school. Maybe once a year you’ll want to go all out (say for the children’s ministry appreciation dinner) and make a short celebration video. And once that event is over, you can share the video with the congregation on the church website. I love to interview kids and ask them questions about their teachers. The whole congregation enjoys this, and your whole church gets to share in celebrating your volunteers.

2. Share the bigger vision. Let people hear regularly what you are trying to accomplish in the children’s ministry. You are not just filling slots with Sunday school teachers, you are asking people to stand in the gap to raise up a generation of lifelong disciples who will transform the world for Christ.

When you ask for help, share the big picture of where you want to go. If you are recruiting volunteers for a community event, go beyond asking someone to cook hot dogs. Make sure they know that they will be part of sharing the love of Jesus with your neighbors. Take that extra thirty seconds to help them understand the kingdom impact of the event and their part in it.

People have trouble being up on what they are not up on. When you share the vision, you help people understand a picture bigger than any individual snafu that may happen.

3. Embrace fun. If you’re having fun, there’s a much better chance the people around you will as well. When your ministry happens in a climate of joy and resilience, people are much more likely to jump onboard and give you the benefit of the doubt, even if they may not understand all the details.

I confess there was a time in my ministry when I felt like I was being criticized by everyone (usually for good reason) for letting so many details fall through the cracks. During this season I brought my defeated and cranky attitude to work with me every day. And—surprise—no one seemed to want to join what I was doing.

No one had the power to stop the cycle of negativity but me. I had to own the fact that being on edge and cranky was my responsibility and that, even when things weren’t going smoothly, I had the freedom to find and embrace the joy and laughter in the work I got to do with children and their parents.

4. Share the dream. You have lots of plans and dreams for your children’s ministry. Some of them have even made it to your calendar! When someone asks, “How’s the children’s ministry?” skip right over “fine” and go right to “I’m really looking forward to . . .”

Paint the picture of a dream or an upcoming event with your volunteers, parents, and colleagues. You are giving the stakeholders in your ministry a way to think about what’s coming. If you don’t give them a good story, it will be easy for them to make up one that may be not so good.

Get your message to the congregation through pictures on the website, the newsletter, or on the screens in the hallways. Even if your plans aren’t fully formed (when are they?), you can always ask for prayer as you finalize your plans.

5. Build trust with key leaders. Of course, in children’s ministry, there are no unimportant “little people.” But in every congregation there are people who have the trust of the rest of the congregation. When a difficult question comes up, the eyes of the congregation turn to those people for guidance.

As you celebrate your successes, share the bigger vision, and talk about plans for the future, give those trusted people a leg up by making sure they know everything essential about the work you are doing. This doesn’t need to be anything formal, though there will be times when you’ll want to specifically invite one of these trusted leaders to coffee to ask for a little advice and to give them a few stories to celebrate.

Your senior pastor should always have at least one recent story from the children’s ministry to celebrate. If you greet an elder in the hallway, you can ask for prayer for your fifth graders about to move into middle school. And make sure your longtime members hear your missional heart as you share why you are doing a cookout for the community.

6. Be patient. Give yourself the time it takes to let change take root. Some organizational experts say that it typically takes three years for real culture change to happen in an organization. Particularly if you are stepping into a ministry that has been struggling, give yourself the grace to let change happen at the Spirit’s pace, not your own. As you bring change, you can be sure you will face resistance. Just bring your persistent, joyful, nonanxious leadership week in and week out, and the change will come.

You will feel like you are saying the same thing over and over, and you probably are. Eventually, the message will catch on, until one day, you’ll start hearing others sharing the same vision you’ve been sharing all this time.

So, what if you decide that you just don’t want to champion the children’s ministry? What if you want to run the program and be left alone?

Well, get comfortable right where you are, because that’s where you’re going to stay. You’ll be missing out on the momentum that comes from having colleagues, leaders and stakeholders passionately on your team, leaning in to help you make the changes that need to happen.

Once your message has caught on, you will begin to feel like you have an army of people to help when you’ve got a heavy load to carry. Without being its champion, your children’s ministry may end up being the best kept secret in the church. Without a champion, the messaging surrounding your ministry is left to chance. Without being a champion, the wild winds of church politics will blow you over every time.

The good news is that we don’t need to get wrapped around the axle of church politics. When we are prepared for the challenges and have laid the relational groundwork well, our efforts at change don’t need to become stalled by nervous parents or anxious church leaders. We’ll never get this dance perfect, but this chapter can be your beginning field guide to the secret world of church politics.

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