Connecting with the Hearts of Young People
Chapter 3
Love Relates
Connecting with the Hearts of Young People
“Dad, I’m not sure if I believe in Christianity. I want to know what is true, but I have a lot of questions.”
What would you say if your son or daughter spoke these words to you? How would you respond if these words came from a young Christian you deeply cared about? Well, as a nineteen-year-old college student, I (Sean) spoke these words to my father, not knowing how he would respond, especially since I was questioning the very message he has committed his life to proclaiming.
And yet I will never forget my father’s confident response: “Son, I am glad to see you exploring your faith seriously, because you can’t live on my convictions. You have to know for yourself what you think is true. If you genuinely seek truth, I am confident you will follow Jesus, because He is the truth. Only walk away from what you have learned growing up if you conclude it is false. And know that your mom and I will love you no matter what you believe.”
Not long ago, I decided to ask my dad how he was really feeling when I told him about my doubt years earlier, assuming he must have been deeply concerned at the time. Was he worried I might abandon my faith? What was actually going through his mind?
His response caught me off guard. He told me that he wasn’t worried about my faith journey because of the depth of our relationship. While he believes the evidence for Christianity is compelling, it was our relationship that gave him confidence I would stay in the faith. There were certainly no guarantees, of course, and my dad is endlessly optimistic by nature, but his response illustrates a point we want to drive home in this book: truth is best learned and sustained in relationship.
Something Timely
If we want the next generation to come to know the faith, we have to teach, model, and incarnate truth in our relationship with them. It is not truth or relationship—it is truth and relationship.
And this is exactly what God has done for us. Rather than merely sending His message through a book, a prophet, or an angel, God came Himself to us through the person of Jesus Christ in both grace and truth (John 1:14). Jesus came down in human flesh so we could know God personally and have eternal life (John 17:3). Jesus traveled with His disciples. He ate with them. He ministered with them. He passed on truth relationally and calls us to do the same (Matthew 28:19–20). Our modern culture is radically different from the first century, but the principle remains the same—we must relationally commit to passing on truth to the next generation.
A Lonely Generation
As we saw in chapter 2, loneliness is a defining feature of young people, including Christians, today. Some studies even suggest Gen Z may be the loneliest generation. A number of reasons account for this, many of which are tied to technology. With ever-present access to social media, young people have been raised to constantly compare their appearance and accomplishments to others, to fear missing out (“FOMO”), and to portray their lives as perfectly happy. These forces can be crushing to the self-image of a young person.
But we think the epidemic of loneliness goes even deeper. At the heart, the loneliness of this generation stems from broken relationships. Jesus said the greatest commandment is to love God and love other people (Mark 12:28–33). So many in this generation hurt because they lack the healthy relationships God has designed them to experience with both Himself and other people. Many are asking the questions, “Who am I?” “Where do I belong?” and “Does my life have any meaning?” without the relational anchor God has designed them to have.
When healthy relationships are lacking, young people experience a vacuum they will seek to fill with a relational counterfeit. This lonely generation will search for something to fill their relational hole, and our culture has many options that can easily become addictive.
To varying degrees, every generation of young people has sought to find their place in the world. But what is different for Gen Z is the depth of loneliness many feel and the availability of endless counterfeits that claim to be able to fill their hearts with meaning.
Let’s consider some of the relational counterfeits vying for the hearts of Gen Z:
Consumerism
Commercials, social media promotions, and celebrities promise this generation that if they just buy a certain product, their lives will be filled. They may not say this directly, of course, but the incessant exposure to advertisements sends young people the message that they are missing out and need a consumer item for fulfillment.
Busyness
With social media, YouTube, television, and more, it is possible to never get bored. But why is this generation so busy and distracted? We suspect a big reason is that many do not want to feel their emotional hurt. They would rather keep it at bay. It is much easier to live in a state of distraction than to confront the loneliness in the human heart.
Pornography
Pornography is epidemic with young people. But why is it so prevalent? The combination of accessibility and teen hormones certainly plays a part. But we believe pornography fulfills a deeper relational need in a counterfeit way. How so? It removes vulnerability, which is necessary for real love. The teen boy, for instance, who struggles to relate to girls no longer needs to risk rejection by asking her out. He can feel good watching the smiling porn star who will never turn him away.
Social Media
Social media can be a wonderful way to share ideas, learn new facts, and connect with like-minded people. But humans also need embodied relationships. We need appropriate touch, eye contact, and human presence. Social media can help foster human connection in a remarkable way, but it cannot replace our need for relationships. A digital “like” cannot replace a physical hug.
Video Games
Video games can be a fantastic source of entertainment and connection. But they can also become a counterfeit that young people look to in order to fill their hearts with meaning and significance. Many video games are designed to subtly promise respect, community, identity, and control—the very things many youth are searching for.
Our point is not to disparage everything (except porn, which we think is always wrong). Consumer products can be beneficial. Video games can be fun and entertaining. There is a time for busyness. And we both regularly use social media to share the truth of Christianity. But before we get to practical steps for building relationships with young people, it is vital to understand the role that different counterfeits can play in their lives. We are all built for relationships, and when they are lacking, something will fill the void. Broken relationships are at the heart of why this generation has so many addictions.
Relationships Shape How We View God
As a young agnostic, my (Sean’s) father was challenged to examine the historical claims of Christ. Before heading to law school, he set out to disprove the Christian faith. This was long before Google, and so he traveled internationally to Europe and the Middle East to visit libraries and museums, looking to gather the evidence he believed would disprove the claims of Christ.
Something Timeless
But he ended up concluding that Christianity was in fact true. The evidence merely got his attention, though. His biggest barriers were relational and emotional. People would describe God as a heavenly Father and he would think, Why would I want a heavenly Father when my earthly father is a drunk? His relationship with his earthly father had deeply shaped how he viewed God. It was through an accurate understanding of the character of God as exemplified in Scripture, lived out relationally with other Christians, that he could grasp God’s love and thus be drawn to the faith.
My father’s experience fits what psychologist Paul Vitz refers to as the “theory of the defective father.” The idea is that our relationship with our earthly father deeply affects how we view God. According to Vitz, if someone has a distant, harsh, or disappointing father, belief in a heavenly father becomes difficult (if not impossible). To make his case, Vitz points to prominent atheists who fit the profile, such as Bertrand Russell, Friedrich Nietzsche, Jean Paul Sartre, Albert Camus, and Karl Marx. There are certainly exceptions. And people can have psychological reasons for believing in God. But overall, Vitz stresses how deeply psychological reasons—and in particular human relationships—shape how we view God.
Trust: An Irreplaceable Commodity
Building relationships has always required trust. And trust is especially vital for relating to young people today. Because of mobile technology, Gen Zers are surrounded by never-ending voices vying for their hearts and minds. The question is—who are they going to trust?
If you are an older Baby Boomer, you remember exactly where you were when John F. Kennedy was shot. The rest of us have seen a still photo or the infamous black-and-white video clip of him being shot in the back seat of a car. A handful of conspiracies have arisen around his death. Yet one of the underlying assumptions has been that if we had more information—such as more video cameras or pictures—we could have greater access to the truth.
Fast-forward to 9/11. We have vastly more camera angles and photos for planes hitting the buildings than for the JFK shooting. Yet, are there more conspiracies or fewer? Quite clearly there are more. The takeaway is that more information does not necessarily result in greater confidence in the truth. In fact, sometimes increased access to information leads to greater skepticism.
And this is what we find with Gen Z. As we saw in chapter 2, this is a digital generation that daily experiences information overload. Given how many perspectives there are on every issue, many in this generation wonder what they can know and who they can trust.
There are two key ways to build trust with this generation. The first is knowledge. We listen to doctors because of their expertise about medicine and the human body. And we listen to our car mechanic because of his or her knowledge of cars. If we want young people to listen to us, we must know what we are talking about. We must give them a narrative—a worldview—to effectively navigate challenges that arise in our culture. We will explore this in greater depth in the next chapter.
The second way to build trust with this generation is through relationships. We need to earn the trust to communicate Christian truth to them in a genuine fashion. And that trust is earned through investing our time and energy in getting to know them as individuals. Before we consider specific steps for building relationships, keep in mind these three important principles for connecting with young people:
Relationships Are Not Merely Tools for Instruction
It is easy to think of building relationships as a strategy to teach Christian truth. Gen Zers are strongly motivated by relationships: 75 percent do not want to let others down, and 75 percent want to make a difference for someone else. Yet building relationships is not something we do merely to persuade them to adopt our beliefs, but because God has called us to love them as divine image bearers.
Building Relationships Begins with Us
Given that this generation has its own music, dress, language, and technology, it’s less intimidating to wait for young people to take the initiative if they are interested in connecting with us. Yet this is a colossal mistake. The heart of a young person is to be known by a caring adult who believes and expresses: You matter to me. I care about you. I will sacrifice to invest in your life to help you be all God has designed you to be. We must be willing to take the initiative to build relationships with this generation.
Connecting Requires Understanding Their Frame of Reference
Relational conflict often results from unexpressed assumptions. Thus, effective communication involves understanding where another is coming from. And this is particularly true for Gen Zers, who tend to have different assumptions than adults, especially about technology. For instance, many teens do not view it as rude to have a phone out during a conversation. Adults tend to differ. Can we at least aim to understand where they are coming from rather than responding with anger? Our point is simply that building relationships with members of Gen Z involves trying to see the world as they do and imagining what it is like to be a young person today. And keep in mind, seeing the world from their perspective does not necessarily mean you agree with their way of thinking.
Ten Strategies for Connecting with Generation Z
Here are ten strategies we have found helpful in building relationships with young people. You don’t have to do all of these. Start with one, and then try another. Over time, you will grow in your relationships with the Gen Zers in your life.
Share Stories
There is a reason why Jesus told so many stories: we love stories, relate to stories, and remember stories. They shape how we view the world. And they allow us to be known by a young person. Describe special memories about your upbringing, your work, and your hobbies. Be vulnerable, and share both your successes and your failures. You don’t have to tell your entire life story to a young person, but let him or her know you can relate by sharing relevant life experiences and struggles. This generation processes quickly, as we saw in chapter 2, and they are eager to entertain a personal story.
Enter Your Kids’ World
It is impossible to truly know young people until you enter their world. Watch their movie of choice. Listen to their music. Eat at a restaurant they enjoy. Play a video game with them. This not only shows that you value them but gives you a glimpse into their dreams and desires. Rather than merely inviting them into your world, go into theirs.
Practice Empathy
Empathy is the ability and willingness to enter into the feelings of another. If we want to earn favor with young people, we need to give them permission to share their feelings with the security that we will not be quick to judge. Romans 12:15 says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” When young people are sad, share their sorrow. When they are happy, share their joy. Expressing empathy shows young people that we relate to them and recognize them as valuable human beings.
Be a Good Listener
James 1:19 says to “be quick to hear, slow to speak.” As adults, we often get this backward—we are quick to speak and slow to hear. And yet for a distracted and impatient generation, listening can be one of our best ways to connect. Good listening says, “You are important to me. I want to understand you, so I can respond in a caring manner.” Ask genuine questions. Give eye contact. Show empathy. And try to genuinely understand before you speak.
Express Unconditional Love
When I (Sean) was a kid, my father was writing and speaking publicly about abstinence. Yet I was twelve years old and my hormones were kicking in. I remember thinking, if I became sexually active—I could really blow it for my dad. So I decided to ask him what would happen if I got a girl pregnant, and I will never forget what he said: “Son, I don’t care if the whole world calls me a hypocrite; you and I will work it through together.” This was one of the most meaningful ways my father communicated to me that his love was unconditional.
Mentor a Young Person
By suggesting you mentor a young person, we are not asking you to add another program to your schedule. Rather, ask yourself a simple question—what am I already doing that I could include a young person alongside me? Mentoring involves bringing a young person along with you on the tasks you already do anyways. It could be as simple as taking one of your students with you to the store or finding a young person who also enjoys working out. For me (Sean), I try to bring one of my kids, or a student from one of my classes, whenever I speak at a local event. It gives us a chance to be together and build a relationship.
Set Reasonable Boundaries
Even though Generation Z is individualistic, they actually want boundaries. According to one study in Britain, 69 percent of teens thought parental controls online were a good idea. In another study, 54 percent of US teens wished they were better able to limit the amount of time they were on their phones, and over 60 percent would like to spend more time socializing face to face than online. Reasonable boundaries communicate to this generation that we love them enough to protect them from harm (even though they will initially protest such boundaries). For instance, students need certain times and places without smartphones. Teachers can set reasonable boundaries in the classroom. Coaches can do so at practice. And parents must set reasonable boundaries in the home.
Pray
One deep way to show a young person that you care is to pray for him or her. If you are counseling a young person, or just in a conversation, ask if it’s okay if you pray for him or her. You might not have a solution for his or her problem, but it is easy to say, “I am not sure how to fix it either. But can I pray for you?”
Share a Meal
Whenever I (J. Warner) arrest a suspect and prepare to interview him or her, I order a meal for both of us. I then sit down with my suspect, so we can eat together. When I first started doing this, my partner refused to join us. “I’ll buy him a meal,” he said. “But I refuse to eat with a killer!” I could certainly understand where my partner was coming from. But something remarkable happens over a shared meal. We don’t typically eat with strangers or people we don’t like. After becoming a Christian, I developed a heart for the suspects I arrested. I saw our meal together as the first step in a relationship, despite the tragic circumstances that brought us together. My interviews following these meals were markedly different from the interviews I conducted before I recognized the divine power of a shared meal. Think about it for a minute. How many important moments in Scripture occurred during a meal between God and His people?
Something Timeworthy
The power of a meal is equally important for young people. The results are indisputable—kids who have regular meals with their family, or other caring adults, are less likely to engage in risky behavior and to perform better in school. It is over meals that stories are told, jokes are laughed at, and meaningful conversations occur. In a generation that is fluid, sharing regular meals creates a sense of identity, belonging, and community.
Have a Conversation
The A&E channel ran a special show called Undercover High, in which seven young adults aged twenty-one to twenty-six went back to high school to get an inside perspective on students today. The undercover students made many of the same observations about Generation Z that we made in chapter 2, yet what alarmed them most was the disconnect between teens and adults. One of the undercover students said, “They [teens] are craving for adults to understand them and see them for who they are and the struggles they are facing.” The undercover students concluded that, most of all, young people today just want someone to talk to. Are you willing to have a conversation with a young person and help fill his or her deep need for relationship?
Love Relates
There’s a reason why the word relate is the root of the term relationship. If we hope to relate to the youngest generation, we have to invest in relationships. There is, perhaps, no better illustration of the importance of relationships than social media “comment” sections. I (J. Warner) have been making the case for Christianity and God’s existence for many years now online, and during this time, thousands of people have commented on my articles, blog posts, videos, and podcasts. Some of these remarks have been courteous, and some have not. One pattern has emerged: the people with whom I have little or no personal relationship are by far the harshest critics of my work. If a friend disagrees with something I’ve written, he or she is more likely to provide a gracious counter-argument. Strangers, however, are less kind, patient, or well mannered. As a result, I’ll confess that I’m less likely to take their criticism seriously, even if it is warranted.
Relationships are the runway on which truth lands. Take the time to listen with empathy, mentor from a place of wisdom, and demonstrate your concern and care for the young people you hope to influence. Prepare them for truth by gaining their trust.