Chapter 3
OF THE SICKNESS OBTAINED FROM GOD
ils, and every kind of pain except the actual departure of the soul. I asked all this so that by it I might be purged, by God's mercy, and afterward live more for the glory of God, because of that sickness. I also hoped it would assist me in my death, for I desired to be soon with my God and Maker.
I made these two petitions — for a deeper sharing in the passion, and for the sickness — with a condition (for it seemed to me that this was not the common object of prayer).
Therefore I said, "Lord, You know what I want. If it's Your will for me to have it, let me have it. If it's not Your will, good
Lord, don't be displeased, for I only want what You will."
Concerning my third petition, by the grace of God and the teaching of holy Church I conceived a very great desire to receive three wounds in my life — that is to say, the wound of true contrition, the wound of natural compassion, and the wound of fullhearted longing for God. Unlike the first two petitions, which I had made with a condition, I asked this third gift very strongly and without any condition.
The first two petitions passed from my mind, but the third dwelled with me continuously.
Chapter 3 Of the sickness obtained from God by petition.
And when I was thirty and one-half years old, God sent me a bodily sickness, in which I lay three days and three nights.
On the fourth night I received all the rites of holy Church, and I believed I would not live until morning.
After that I lay sick two more days and nights. On the third night, I thought many times that I would die, and so did those who were with me. Since I was still young, I thought it a great hardship to die, but not because there was anything on earth I wanted to live for, nor because I feared the pain, for I trusted in God's mercy. I would have preferred to live so that I could have loved God better, for a longer time, and thus, by the grace of God, have been able to know and love
Him better in the bliss of heaven.
THE REVELATION OF DIVINE LOVE
For all the time I had lived on earth seemed to me so insignificant and brief, compared to the reward of endless bliss, that I thought it nothing. That is why I thought, "Lord, is it possible that my living no longer is for Your honor?" And I understood by my reason, and because of the pain I was feeling, that I was going to die, so I assented fully, with all my heart and will, to be at God's disposal.
Thus I endured until daylight, and by then my body, from the middle downward, was dead, having no feeling at all.
Then I was moved to ask to be set upright, and, with help, to be propped up, so that I could have more freedom of heart to be at God's disposal, and to think about Him while my life should last.
My curate had been sent for to be at my deathbed, but by the time he came my eyes had become fixed and I could not speak. He set the cross before my face and said, "I have brought you the image of your Maker and Savior. Look on it, and be comforted by it." It seemed to me I was all right as I was, for my eyes were fixed upward, gazing in the direction of the heaven into which I trusted I should come by the mercy of God. But nevertheless I assented to fix my eyes on the face of the crucifix, if I could do it, and so I did. It seemed to me that I might last longer looking straight ahead than directly upward.
After this my sight began to fail, and it grew as dark around me in the chamber as if it had been night. I could only see, I don't know how, the image on the cross, in daylight.
Everything besides the cross was ugly to me and frightening, as if it had been fully occupied by devils.
After this, the other part of my body began to die, to the point where I had scarcely any feeling, and my greatest pain was shortness of breath. At that point, I was sure I was going to die.
And then, suddenly, all my pain was taken from me, and I was as whole and healthy in every part of my body as I had ever been before. I marveled at this sudden change, for it seemed to me that this was a secret working of God, and not the work of nature. And yet this feeling of ease did not