2 Wholesome Talk
It was a book title that said it all: Vulgarians at the Gate (Prometheus, 2001). Steve Allen had entertained America on television for decades, but now as an older man he was grieved at the coarsening of the medium he had dedicated much of his life and gifts to. His book is not the comedic ride you would expect from Allen but rather a stinging critique of a medium gone vulgar. Vulgarians was published more than twenty years ago; think of what Allen would write about Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, or TikTok today.
Why have these wonderful tools of human communication seemingly been taken over by coarse, angry, vulgar, cruel, vengeful posts from almost every side? Why does a mocking response draw a crowd, quite willing to join in? Why do we seem to be aggressors on the hunt rather than participants in a conversation? Why does controversy magnetize us? Whatever happened to wholesome talk?
Eric Hoffer, the hugely popular street-level American philosopher, commented on the power of malice: “It is remarkable by how much a pinch of malice enhances the penetrating power of an idea or an opinion. Our ears, it seems, are wonderfully attuned to sneers and evil reports about our fellow men.” With these words Hoffer proved to be a better theologian than he probably knew.
Jesus said that as sinners we love darkness rather than light. As long as sin still lives inside of us, there is in us an attraction to evil. It is a humbling thing to admit. The power of sin’s temptation is that it appeals to something inside of us. Here is the clearest way to biblically view Hoffer’s observation. It is always the evil that is still inside of us that hooks us to the evil that is outside of us. This is why we are attracted to the dark and damaging words of gossip or why we laugh at mockery that should repel us. This is why we are not only attracted to malice but we soon join in, or why we spend way too much screen time tracking down the latest controversy. None of this would happen if it didn’t feed something that our hearts desire.
What does this have to do with wholesome talk? Let’s go back to Steve Allen’s Vulgarians. Allen was right, but not at a deep enough level. It’s not just that we hear and read words on popular and social media that would have shocked us not too many years ago, and it’s not just that vulgar sexual terms and blasphemous use of the Lord’s name have become regular; it’s what is behind those words that needs both examination and the kind of transformation that only grace can provide. Why do we glory in a put-down, a mocking hot take, or verbal cruelty? We have a problem, but it’s deeper than vocabulary.
I want to spend the rest of this chapter examining one passage from Ephesians that exposes why we react toward one another the way we do, what a much better way looks like, and what makes that better way possible. This passage sits right in the middle of Paul’s lengthy portrait of what it looks like in everyday life and relationships to live in light of the gospel of the grace of Jesus Christ: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption” (Eph. 4:29–30).
The first thing that is vital to notice is that Paul’s discussion of wholesome (not corrupting) communication is not a discussion of vocabulary. He doesn’t define “corrupting” talk by giving us a list of forbidden words. Now, this doesn’t mean that we are free to use sexually explicit, damning, or culturally impolite terms whenever and however we wish. But this passage does warn us that defining unwholesome talk by a list of words is too low of a standard. For Paul, “corrupting talk” is first and foremost a matter of the intention of the heart. You can cruelly mock a person and not use one single bad word. You can post something that is meant to harm while not using certain offensive words. You can react vengefully while priding yourself that you haven’t damned the person. If, as the family of God, we are ever going to address the culture of harmful reactivity that lives not just in the surrounding culture but also in our family, we must get below the level of vocabulary and shine the light of biblical wisdom on the thoughts, desires, and intentions of our hearts.
Here’s how this passage immediately hits me. It sets for me an impossibly high standard, one that somehow, someway I fall short of every day. I wish I could say that everything I speak or write flows out of the kind of intentionality that this passage calls us to. I wish I could say that I have matured to the point where I never react in a way that resists the beautiful call of these words, but I can’t. The seemingly impossible standard of the wholesome talk in Ephesians 4:29 always carries my thoughts to James 3:
Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness. For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things.
How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water. (James 3:1–12)
Open your heart to the strongly stated warning of these words. How does James characterize the problem with our talk (tongues)?
“If anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man.”
“The tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness.”
“No human being can tame the tongue.”
“It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.”
“With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God.”
These are strong, convicting, and disheartening words that alert us to the fact that what we are considering in this book is not a little thing that we should find a way somehow to live with. No, what we are dealing with is something that sets people, relationships, families, government, communities, schools, and the church on fire. So, we have to ask, “How do we tame the untamable?” How do we harness what James says is a “restless evil”? What hope of change do we have for our culture of reactivity? Let the power of the words of James 3 convict you, but don’t let them discourage you. Ephesians 4:29–30 has powerful answers for us: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption” (Eph. 4:29–30).
Let me go back to what I earlier observed about Paul’s application of the gospel to our speech. He focuses not just on our words but also on our hearts—the intention behind our reactions and responses. This is exactly where the attention needs to be. Jesus said that every word that comes out of our mouth finds its origin and formation in our heart (see Luke 6:43–45). Your reactions will only ever go where your heart has already gone. So, a commitment to wholesome talk isn’t first a commitment to a restricted vocabulary but rather to change at the level of the thoughts, desires, intentions, and choices of the heart. Paul delineates three heart commitments that will always lie behind a culture of wholesome responses to one another.
Every Response Must Be Shaped by a Consideration of the Person
“Only such as is good for building up.” Here is an application of “love your neighbor as yourself” to our world of communication. It is a call to responses that are deeply loving. I am not posting what I am posting because it makes me happy or it satisfies some philosophical, theological, cultural, or tribal desire in me. This is a call to other-centered communication. My reaction is not done for me but out of loving consideration for you. There is something that I want for you, but it’s not that you would be simply proven wrong, put in your place, exposed for what you are, proven to be the fool, exposed as a member of a certain tribe, soundly mocked, getting what belongs to you, knocked off your pedestal, or harmed in some way. No, what this passage calls me to is the polar opposite of what the culture of reactivity does and ultimately produces.
Imagine even stopping to think of the person you’re reacting to as a person, that is, a being made in the image of God. Imagine taking the time to think of others in their world, having a normal set of responsibilities and people who love them and whom they love. Imagine considering how they have been hit with the burdens, temptations, and heartaches of life in this fallen world. Imagine taking time to think about how they will be impacted by your words.
Now imagine responding not just because you like the verbal skirmish but because, out of love, you really do want the person to benefit from and be built up by whatever it is you are about to post, tweet, or say. Imagine caring enough to want that person to learn something new, to grow in self-awareness, to have a deeper confidence in God, to be encouraged in some way, or to gain new courage or motivation. What if every reaction were preceded by this kind of other-centered consideration? What if you only ever spoke to build up? How different would your reactions be? How many previous reactions would you have to delete?
“Only such as is good for building up” means that the core character quality of wholesome communication is love. In these words is a call to intentional, focused commitment to loving communication, no matter how wrong you think people are, no matter what you think of their tribe, no matter how hurt or angry they have made you, and no matter how high you think the stakes are. When love is the expendable ingredient in our communication, there is no end to the hurt, chaos, division, and harm our reactions will produce. When you refuse to abandon this call to love and determine to only ever speak the truth in love, you will say what you need to say in a radically different manner and with an entirely different tone. The darkness of social media isn’t difficult to understand; it is the darkness of the failure to love. The human community, as God designed it, cannot function without love. Human communication cannot work without love. Without love, human interactivity becomes a war zone with a list of casualties too many to number.
We are not islands. We all need builder-uppers around us. We all need encouragement. We all need loving rebuke. We all need insight. We all need fresh starts and new beginnings. We all need to know that we are not alone. We all need gifts of patience and grace along the way. We all need love; there are no haves and have-nots. Each of us needs to be built up and each of us is called to be a builder. This mutuality of community is a beautiful gift from a wise and loving God. It seems that we have devalued this gift and viewed being right, winning the day, and putting someone in his or her place as being more valuable. The human community will continue to be harmed and our digital meeting places will continue to be dark and dangerous as long as tearing down seems more attractive than building up.
Every Response Must Be Shaped by an Understanding of the Situation
“As fits the occasion.” Before you react, consider the moment you’re speaking into. First, make sure you carefully read the whole post and pay attention to the comments that follow. If you’re in a face-to-face conversation, pay attention to the situation and location of the conversation. I have received many critical and angry comments on Twitter by people who apparently did not read the entire post because if they had, they probably wouldn’t have responded as they did. Don’t allow yourself to quickly react to a title of an article you have not carefully read.
Second, before you react, reflect on the cultural moment. Is this a moment of cultural confusion? Is it a time of cultural grief? Are the various cultural tribes angry and at battle? Has the culture lost its way? Is it a cultural bandwagon moment that everyone seems to be jumping on? Then ask yourself, “Why do I feel the need to respond? What am I hoping my reaction will accomplish? Do I have anything to add that would clarify, advance, or calm the conversation? Is my desire to react born out of hurt and anger or motivated by loving concern?”
As a believer I should think about what kind of moment this is for the church. Is this a volatile, divisive issue for the body of Christ? How much impact is this having on my everyday Christian community? Are there threats to the gospel? How is the church of Jesus Christ being viewed, both in the way it understands and how it handles the issue? How is the current discussion and the way it is conducted affecting the reputation and ministry of the church? As a member of the body of Christ, how should I interact with the issue at hand? As a believer, why do I feel compelled to join in? Are my reactions needed? Will good result? Ephesians 4 reminds us that wholesome communication flows from a careful consideration of the moment, the situation, and the occasion.
Every Response Must Be Shaped by the Goal of Grace
“That it may give grace to those who hear.” Chapter 4 of this book explores what it means to have your words rooted in grace, so I will be brief here. Every reaction must be shaped by a commitment to the right process of communication, and the right process is shaped by what you want your words to achieve. Paul says everything you say, no matter when you say it, no matter who you say it to, and no matter what the topic is, must have grace as its goal.
Whenever I talk about responding with grace as a goal, I am met with misunderstanding. When people hear the word grace, they think I mean being nice, being permissive, being passive, or choosing not to deal with difficult things. It is important to recognize that God’s grace is anything but passive. Grace never calls wrong right. If wrong were right, there would be no need for the rescuing, intervening, and transformative operation of grace. Grace is not about ignoring wrong; it is a radically different way of dealing with wrong. Responding in grace requires humbly admitting your inability, coupled with a robust trust in the power of God.
So what exactly does Ephesians 4:29 mean for the world of communication, both personal and digital? The answer is found in James 1:19–20: “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” There is so much instruction about gospel living and communication packed into this verse, which I will cover in later chapters, but here I want to focus on the three phrases “quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.” It’s as if Ephesians 4:29 were written as an explanation of what it looks like to be committed to listen first, allow time before you speak, and never speak out of anger. If we all were committed to having these three directives shape our reactions to one another, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and many of our personal relationships would be immediately transformed. The toxic dump of cruel, mocking, disrespectful, dismissive, and vengeful communication would be gone, the power of tribalism would be weakened, and the wisdom that is only ever attained collectively would have room to grow.
But here’s the rub. For this to happen, we all need to be visited by rescuing and empowering grace. Talk toxicity is a heart problem that is solved only by redeeming grace. I must confess, I do like to talk more than I like to listen. I do have moments when I let anger shape my words. Here’s the humbling thing we all need to confess: toxic talk is never caused by the one you’re talking to. It’s always caused by you. Likewise, wholesome talk is never initiated by the one you’re talking to. It always starts with you. Like every other spiritual need, God meets our reactivity trouble with forgiving, rescuing, and transforming grace.
We have a problem. It’s harming us, our unity, our ability to grow together, and our witness. But there is help for the taking in the powerful grace of Jesus.
Eric Hoffer, The Passionate State of Mind, and Other Apohorisms (New York: Harper, 1955), 167.