8 Selflessness
Self gets in the way, constantly inserting itself and making things more difficult than they would otherwise be. It turns relationships into a minefield; you never know when you’re going to step on the wrong thing. It turns words into weapons, blessings into entitlements, and desires into demands. It makes you self-excusing while being critical and judgmental when it comes to the other guy. It makes dissatisfaction a regular state of being and gratitude rare. It finds reasons to be unhappy and takes credit way too often. It is a state of self-importance that weakens your ability to put yourself in anyone else’s place. It makes you love power and control, and it makes you see serving as burdensome. It makes you think too much about how you feel, how you feel about how you feel, and how you feel about how others respond to how you feel. It tricks you into thinking that you’re more of an expert than you actually are, while you resist the expertise of others. It causes you to think that your experience is the experience, while you discount the experiences of others. It makes everything personal; everything is about you somehow, someway. It causes you to speak a lot and listen little. It is life caving in on itself, a dysfunctional and dissatisfying existence. It is the opposite of the way things were meant to be, the opposite of the way we were created to live.
This sad way of living is called selfishness. Note how I am using this word. I don’t just mean that you are not a very giving person because you want everything for yourself. What I mean by this word is that the driving motivation for everything in your life is self. You are at the center of your world. You do what you do and say what you say for your own purpose and pleasure. You are what motivates you. You are what makes you happy. You are your goal. You are fundamentally self-aware and self-possessed. Your foundational lifestyle is selfish, no matter who you think you are and what you say you believe.
It needs to be said and repeated often, particularly in our current cultural setting, that there is no idol more attractive, seductive, and deceptive than the idol of self. You could argue that every act of disregard of the commands, commitments, and wisdom principles of Scripture is rooted and motivated by the worship of self. This is what drove the first act of disobedience in the garden and continues to cause us to step over God’s boundaries today. This is why Paul says that Jesus came so that those who live would no longer live “for themselves” (see 2 Cor. 5:14–15). When worship of self functionally replaces worship of God, you simply will not live, act, react, and respond as God intended and has commanded. A failure to obey God’s commands is never just a breaking of some abstract moral code; it is a breaking of the worship relationship you were created to have with the Lord of lords. Every act of disobedience is a denial of God’s rightful place and an insertion of yourself into his place. This is why David, having committed adultery and murder said, “Against you, you only, have I sinned / and done what is evil in your sight” (Ps. 51:4). Every act of hatred, cruelty, dismissal, disrespect, violence, prejudice, and harm against one of God’s image bearers is ignited and fueled by the worship of the idol of self.
But, you may ask, what does this have to do with the church, which is full of people who have given their lives to the Lord? Well, if the DNA of sin is the worship of self, and if all of our sins have been forgiven but not yet fully eradicated, then there will still be artifacts of the old worship of self within us. All of us have to deal with the temptation of selfism every day, whether that is getting mad at someone who has disagreed with us, or angry at the drivers who are in our way in traffic, or impatient with children who need parenting at an inopportune time, or envious that a friend is enjoying blessings that we would like for ourselves, or simply doing what pleases us instead of what God says is right for us. As long as sin still lives inside of us, there will be a problem of selfism in the Christian community. This is why there is so much conflict in the church. Few of the struggles within the church are purely about things of biblical or theological consequence. It is self-importance that causes us to have trouble living with and ministering alongside of one another. Minor offenses, petty quarrels, desires for recognition, and battles for control get in the way of the life and mission that God has called us to. Yes, in the community of faith the worship of God collides with the worship of self. One of the evidences of this is the culture of toxic reactivity that lives on our social media sites and in the conversations of Christians, who have been called to the following lifestyle: “With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (Eph. 4:2–3). If we loved this way—God’s way—more than we loved our own way, this culture of toxicity would disappear.
Jesus knew what still lived in the hearts of all who would follow him. That’s why he said, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me” (Luke 9:23). The foundational command of Christian living is self-denial. Selflessness is the platform on which every other aspect of Christian, biblical discipleship stands. The call to humility, gentleness, patience, service, forgiveness, generosity, unity, and love requires self-denial. Without selflessness there will never be a surrender to a greater agenda than my own. It is selflessness that causes me to use the things in my life as resources to love the people in my life, rather than using people to get the things that I want. This selfless living is not possible outside of the transformative power of God’s grace. In order to live this way, I need to be rescued from me, and not just once, but again and again. This why John says, “For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace” (John 1:16). I don’t need one infusion of grace; I need infusions of the spiritual chemotherapy of God’s grace again and again until the cancer of self-worship no longer lives in my heart. That day is coming, but until then, my hope and yours is “grace upon grace.” Think of the disciples of Jesus. They had left everything to follow him, yet right after Jesus told them of his soon-to-come suffering and death, they commenced to argue about who would be greatest in the kingdom (see Mark 9:33–37).
So it is important for us to be humbly honest about the roots of toxicity that live in our churches, the wider Christian community, and in our internet conversations. The conversations that are needed about important cultural, political, theological, biblical, and ecclesiastical issues will become dark, hurtful, and divisive when self is at the center. It takes selflessness to patiently listen to and consider another’s perspective. It takes selflessness to respond lovingly and respectfully. It takes selflessness to avoid judgments of character and motivation. It takes selflessness to care more about the reputation of your Savior than how you are being responded to. It takes selflessness to find more joy in encouraging than in condemning. It takes selflessness to forgive, restore, and reconcile. It take selflessness to debate in a way that preserves unity. It takes selflessness to treat someone you disagree with as a brother or sister. It takes selflessness to care more about the mission of your Master than the number of clicks or followers you’re getting. It takes selflessness to admit you were wrong, you misjudged a person, or you misunderstood a post. And it takes grace to be selfless at any time and in any way. It is time for us all to cry out for that grace. And as we do, it’s important for us to remember that God has promised that when we cry, he will hear and answer.
The Culture of Self and Toxic Reactivity
What happens to our personal and digital conversations when self is at the center? They become dark and toxic. Let me detail how this happens and what it looks like.
The culture of self causes people to be too easily offended. When you are in the center of your world, somehow, someway you make everything about you. Your life is about who notices you or who does not, who agrees with you and who doesn’t, who respects you and who doesn’t, how much you are heard or ignored, whether your side is winning or not, or whether you’re taken seriously or not. It is meism gone wild. Because life is all about you, you are always looking for a personal offense, whether you realize it or not. So you will invariably personalize what is not personal and, because you do, you will be adversarial in your response, which will usually get the same in return. This will reinforce your feelings of personal attack and seem to validate the very personal way you experience things. Because you are always on the lookout, you will find offense where there is no offense and hurt where there is no hurt. A few words posted or a look on someone’s face will have the power to offend you and set you off. Contrast this with the peace of heart and peace in your relationships that result when your life is about love of God and love of neighbor, rather than being all about you. Such is the selfless culture to which all of God’s children have been called.
Because life really is all about you, you will be too in love with your own opinion. Romans 12:3 calls us to refrain from thinking of ourselves more highly than we ought to think. Many of us simply hold what we think in too high regard. We are too proudly content with what we think—not because it’s biblical but because we think it. We are too sure of being sure and we feel too right about always being right. We are too ready to have an opinion on everything and too ready to assume that our opinion is the opinion that everyone should have. We are too quick to assess that we are wise and surrounded by those who are less than wise. We love to hear ourselves talk or read our own post, while we impatiently tolerate the responses of others. Because we are too in love with our opinion, it is hard for us to be good students, hard for us to learn what we don’t already know, and hard for us to hear from those who know more or better. We have forgotten the sad fact that sin reduces all of us to fools and that as long as sin still lives in our hearts, artifacts of foolishness will remain. Selfless living recognizes that there is only one who is perfectly and faithfully wise all the time and in every way and that all of the rest of us need to be daily rescued by the grace of his wisdom, no matter how long we have sat at his feet.
When you are in the center of your world and too in love with your own thinking, it is hard for you to handle disagreement. I have seen how topical, theological, or political debates quickly escalate into heated arguments that often turn personal. When this happens, it tells you a lot more about the debaters than it does about the topic being debated. If you go into a conversation remembering that you are still a sin-flawed person, capable of being wrong, always needing to learn, and in constant need of God’s rescuing grace, you will be open to consider opinions, perspectives, and interpretations that are different from your own. And if you believe in the sovereign and loving care of your Redeemer, you will be open to him putting someone in your path to interrupt your private conversation, to make you think about things you would have never thought about on your own, and to bring you to new insights, understandings, and commitments. If it is practically impossible for you to think that you’re incapable of flawed thinking, then any disagreement will be taken as a personal offense, and rather than having a respectful debate with those who disagree with you, you will tend to attack them personally. The selfless person holds his thinking with an open hand. Even when he is holding on to biblical truth, he is willing to admit that he may be holding it improperly or out of balance, always being ready to learn and grow. Spend time on social media and you’ll begin to wonder how many humble, selfless learners there are out there.
If you are in the center of your world, too confident and too sure, you will tend to resist correction. It make sense, doesn’t it? If you’re sure that your thinking is nearly always right, then you don’t think that you’re a person in need of correction. You will tend to see yourself as the corrector rather than the one needing correction. You will always be trolling for the next poor soul who needs correction whether you’re conscious of it or not. You will not live in the humility of knowing that you have not arrived but are on the pathway to maturity of character and thought. It is humbling to confess that there is nothing in you or about you that is perfect yet and that by grace you are becoming what your Creator designed you to be and what your Savior chose you to be. This means that resisting correction is more than blowing off another person; it is resisting the loving, rescuing, and maturing grace of your Savior. The paradox here is that people who resist correction are the people who most need correction. God has ordained for the body of Christ to have an unending conversation that is mutually edifying, encouraging, comforting, correcting, redirecting, empowering, and motivating. Our Lord, who is committed to his work of correcting grace, uses human tools to continue that work. We all need to humbly hear and consider the rather blunt words of Proverbs 12:1: “Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, / but he who hates reproof is stupid.”
Another dynamic propels the toxic reactivity that seems to be everywhere around us: the self-centered person will tend to focus more on the sin, weakness, and failures of others than on his own. You are always in deep spiritual trouble when you are more engaged, grieved, and motivated by the sin or error of others than your own. Is it too easy for you to be irritated by the character flaws of others, while being too tolerant of your own flaws? Does the anger of others bother you more than your own? Do you rail against the prejudice of others, while tolerating your own? Do you love to point out the inconsistencies in others, while being unwilling to examine your own? Do you jump on the weaknesses of others, while being protective of your own? Do you point out potential errors in other theological camps, while never being willing to consider where your camp may be in error? Do you quickly point out where others need to learn, while being unwilling to be taught yourself? Do you work to expose the sin of others, while hiding your own? Is your lifestyle more of a pointed finger than a humble confession? The conversation of Christians on social media often makes it seem as if we’re quicker to point the finger and to assign blame than we are to admit wrong, confess our own need to change, and grieve that we still fall below God’s holy, righteous, wise, and loving standard. Could it be that much of the toxicity that harms our digital and personal conversations is addressed by Christ’s questions in Matthew 7? “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye?” (7:3–4). And perhaps we would do much better at protecting ourselves from the toxicity that lives around us if we did what he calls us to do in verse 5: “First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.”
If you have put yourself in the center of your world, in the digital or personal community, you will tend to be a divisive not a unifying presence. People who make life all about them obviously don’t interact with attention to, love for, and appreciation for others. They live with unrealistic expectations (life and people will serve me), so they experience constant disappointment and the anger that follows. Being right, being affirmed, being on the winning side, controlling the conversation, putting people in their place, and getting attention are more important than encouraging the community’s unity, understanding, and love.
Making life all about you doesn’t lead to unity.
Personalizing what is not personal doesn’t lead to unity.
Being adversarial in your reactions doesn’t lead to unity.
Not being able to handle disagreement doesn’t lead to unity.
Resisting correction doesn’t lead to unity.
Too much love for winning doesn’t lead to unity.
The key to unity, which the Bible presents as a treasured and essential quality for the family of faith, is selflessness. We find the best presentation of this in Ephesians 4:
I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call— one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all . . . until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ, so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes. Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love. (Eph. 4:1–6, 13–16)
It is important to notice that this passage presents two unities: the unity of the Spirit (4:3) and the unity of the faith (4:13). If we have any hope of reaching the second, we have to be careful to protect and maintain the first. The unity of the Spirit is the divinely created spiritual bond that you and I share with all other believers. This means that no brother or sister in Christ is ever to be viewed as the enemy. No matter how much we may disagree, by the sovereign redemptive plan of God we are in the same family and connected together as members of the same body. The same Spirit that now lives inside of you lives inside of me. And the call in the early verses of this passage is to do everything we can to not damage this unity. How do we do this? The answer in the passage is clear: selfless living. Self-centeredness always disrupts and damages unity.
What does this selfless lifestyle look like? It means being committed to humility, gentleness, patience, forbearance, and peace. If the Christian community, both digital and personal, were functionally committed to these qualities of response, then the toxic reactivity would disappear. Yes, we have a long way to go before we have any semblance of unity in matters of the faith, but the only way to get there is by the selfless, unity-protecting lifestyle that this passage calls us to. Notice the wisdom of the second part of the passage where we are called to speak the truth in love. If we want together to get at the truth, to understand it fully, and to apply it comprehensively, the only pathway that will get us there is love. Truth not spoken in love ceases to be the truth, because it gets bent, twisted, and distorted by other emotions and agendas.
If I have something very difficult to say to two people and one feels a bit beaten up by me and the other person knows that I love him, which one is predisposed to listen to and consider what I have to say? The answer is obvious, isn’t it? If you are a child of God with a Bible in your hands, you don’t need a special manual to tell you how to interact, react, and respond on social media. The gospel is your guide and Ephesians 4 is your manual. But here is the problem. As long as sin remains in us, self-centeredness will continue to be a huge temptation and selfless, other-centered living will be a bit counterintuitive. So, we should all start by confessing that we don’t always care about the unity of the Spirit. Sometimes we just want to be affirmed or defend ourselves or protect our tribe or win the day. Sometimes we lack humble gentleness. Often we are driven, angry, and impatient. Sometimes we don’t prize peace. And often we fail to speak the truth in love. No wonder we are such a distressed and divided community. And as you confess, cry out for the grace that is yours in Christ. Pray for rescue; no, not from the people who you think are deeply wrong or who draw out your anger. Pray that by grace you would be rescued from yourself, that is, from the selfish tendencies that still live within your heart. And then remember Ephesians 4 every time you go to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or TikTok. God is honored and good things happen when his children live together and communicate together with a humble commitment to protect the amazing bond between us that he alone created.