11. Prayer to St John the Evangelist (1)
11. Prayer to St John the Evangelist (1)
by a man fearful of damnation
Holy and blessed John,
chief of the evangelists of God,
best beloved of the apostles of God.
You were pre-eminent in the love of God
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among so many who were eminently loved,
so that outstanding love
was your characteristic sign amongst them all.
John, who reclined familiarly
on the glorious breast of the Most High;
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God gave you to his mother as her son in place of himself
when he left her at bodily death.
To you, blessed one, so loving and so loved of God,
this little man who is accused of God
appeals with prayers,
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so that by the intercession of one so loved
he may turn from himself the threat of the wrath of God.
For, sir, because of his sins he needs must
seek someone to intervene for him,
and he runs to that well-known friendship of yours
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with him whom he fears as an avenger.
I know, sir, what power you have
through that same friendship
by which you can do what you wish before God.
I hope in your goodness,
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for you will not turn away from a sinner
who calls to you in anguish.
I turn to you, although I am so dull,
yet with all the love of my heart,
and I presume to ask your powerful intercession
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for my sinful soul,
so that you may draw it back from those torments
to which it is being drawn away
by evils of every kind.
*
But alas for my wretched state,
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how my sins cry out against me!
For lo, when I try to find comfort
in your friendship with God,
I am compelled to hold back from that very friendship
because of my sin against God.
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Beloved of God,
because I have sinned against your beloved,
I am certain that I have deserved your hatred also.
O immoderate offence, offence against God,
that offends not only him,
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but also those who are able to intercede before him.
Indeed an offence against God deserves to be hated
by the friends of God,
and not only by his friends,
but by himself and all his creatures.
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Sins, sins, the more considered,
the more horrible you become!
Where are you carrying him away to, whither do you take
this miserable little man whom you have seduced?
Where does he fall to, where will he be cast down to,
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this unhappy soul who follows you?
What does he lose, I say, what hardships does he endure,
who is forced away by your malice from the love of God
to which he could hold by innocence,
to become abhorred of God and all his creatures?
*
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If sins draw down upon themselves
such universal execration
for those whom they drag away from God,
where can he hide himself, to whom can he show himself,
this little man weighed down by the pack of his sins
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which he is not able to put off,
with horrible and stinking wounds and sores of his sins
which he is not able to heal?
It is such a one that appeals to you, John, beloved of God.
Such is my soul that appeals openly to you.
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No – rather, this is my misery,
that I am on such friendly terms with the world,
and weighed down by so many sins,
that I have made myself an enemy of God.
*
Alas, that is a name abhorred by all things,
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the name of ‘enemy of God’!
How evil draws it to me, how justly it is imputed to me!
Alas, the truth of the matter convicts me
as an enemy of God,
but a great horror prevents me from avowing it.
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Alas, I have provoked God and all things to vengeance,
and there is nothing left that is not offended
to intercede for me.
Grief, sorrow, groans, sighs,
where are you present if here you are absent?
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Where are you fervent if here you are tepid?
Let my limbs be wrenched apart by torments,
let my inside be consumed with dryness,
let there be uproar in my inmost being,
if only he will look upon my misery with compassion!
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O you compassionate friends of God,
have compassion upon one so needy,
by that same compassion that God had towards you!
Come to my help,
lest the wrath of God overwhelm me with his enemies!
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I refuse, I detest, I loathe, being or being called
an enemy of God,
although I confess that I have sinned against him.
If only someone would help me!
*
John, that disciple whom Jesus loved,
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if you will acknowledge that as your title,
I will pray to you by that same love:
I acknowledge my great need of your help.
John, John,
if you are that disciple whom Jesus loved,
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I pray you, by that very thing,
let me, by your prayers,
be that sinner whom Jesus forgives.
If that glorious breast
was a familiar place for you to lean upon,
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I ask that through you it may become to me
a place of salvation.
I confess, sir, beloved of God, that you are right to be angry
with one who has sinned against your beloved God,
but it is certain that the Lord will spare a suppliant servant
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for the sake of his friend.
Therefore, O blessed John,
endowed with so much love before God,
his accused servant implores you to reconcile him to him.
Beloved of God, it is not contrary to the love of God
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if you help one of his accused,
not by defending him, but by interceding for him.
I do not ask you to defend my iniquity,
nor do I want it defended,
but I make confession of it and seek for intervention.
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Friend of God
do not count him God’s enemy or yours
who, with as much love as he can, confesses and believes
God to be your friend.
I believe and confess it,
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and I want to love such a great love
as was granted you by God.
I ask you, by the grace that was given you,
turn away from me the hatred of God which is my due.
Do this, sir, for the sake of that love of yours.
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Do this because I am his handiwork,
his servant, and his redeemed.
Do this therefore for his sake and in his presence,
lest what he has created be lost,
lest what he has redeemed perish.
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Do this as you truly love his work,
and confess his blessed name.
*
Jesus, against whom I have grievously sinned,
Lord, whom I have wickedly despised,
Omnipotent God, whose anger I have stirred up by pride;
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you are the lover of John, your blessed apostle,
and to him your terrified accused flees.
Your sinner, your offender, however great his wickedness,
however great his disgrace,
holds the name of your beloved
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between him and the threatening sentence
of your just judgement.
By that blessed love spare him who seeks John’s protection.
Lord, by what name will you have mercy upon sinners
if you condemn someone who prays
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by the name of your beloved?
Lord, under what cover is there protection,
if under the name of your beloved there is punishment?
Where is there refuge if with your beloved there is peril?
Lord, do not feel hatred for him who flees to your beloved.
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Lord, Lord, do not let my iniquity avail for damnation
more than his grace avails for mercy!
Good Lord, do not let your hatred of me
mean the loss of the work of your hands,
but let your beloved avail
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to spare the servant you have redeemed.
Most kind God, who ‘hatest nothing that you have made’,
behold what you have made and redeemed.
Why then will you damn him, Lord, who accuses himself
and calls upon you, if you do not hate him?
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Do this then, Lord, on behalf of him whom you loved most
among your disciples,
so that you may not condemn me,
for you only are the Saviour,
may you be blessed for ever. Amen.