CHAPTER 11
DEEP EXPECTATIONS: WHY AM I EXHAUSTED SO MUCH OF THE TIME, AND WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT IT?
Kara Powell
DEEP DESIGN, STEP 1 (DISCERNMENT): NOW?
I love football. My idea of a perfect Sunday is coming home from our church service, making waffles and playing with my kids, turning on a football game, and falling asleep on the couch during halftime. The best Sundays are when one of my two favorite teams is playing on television: the San Diego Chargers—and whoever is playing the Oakland Raiders. Believe it or not, during those Sundays my husband refers to himself as a “football widower.”
I’ve loved football for as long as I can remember. When I was 12, my brother, two neighbor kids, and I formed “A.F.A.S.”—or “Alley Football All-Stars.” (I don’t think we ever trademarked the name, so feel free to use it!) We had plays, we practiced, we had cheers, and when it came to game time, we scored touchdown after touchdown against the other kids in the neighborhood. That is, until mom called us in for dinner.
But even when none of my teammates were around, I still loved to play. I’d hike the ball to myself, take a few steps back, throw the football high into the air, catch it, dodge imaginary defenders, and run as fast as I could for the crack in the sidewalk that marked the end zone. I was a “one woman team.” And I played with gusto.85
Whether you like football or not, too many youth workers Now end up like I ended up in the alley—as one-person teams. Demoralized by a lack of volunteers, frustrated when others let us down, and pressured by others’ expectations, we end up shouldering almost total responsibility and control over our ministry.
DEEP DESIGN PROMPT
We end up as Superpastors.
I coined the term Superpastor when I was writing my Ph.D. dissertation. To me it represented the best label for what I struggled with, and what I was reading about in the literature. It’s our tendency to believe that, as leaders, we are somehow more than human. We might not believe we’re literally “faster than a speeding bullet” or “more powerful than a locomotive,” but we start thinking we don’t have weaknesses and struggles—or if we do, we’d better not show them to others. When the rest of the world needs to slow down and take a break, we keep going, and going, and going. It’s workaholism (or at least hard work on steroids) cloaked in “dedication to God and ministry.”
If you’ve been in ministry long, you’ve probably experienced some stress and burnout. As part of my Ph.D. research, I compared the stress and burnout rates of pastors with those of people in other caregiving professions (e.g., therapists, doctors, nurses, social workers). To my surprise, pastors’ stress and burnout rates are about the same as those other professions.86
That means that while we in ministry may be tired, it’s not just because of stress or burnout. There has to be something more causing our fatigue. So I started researching an even deeper question: if it’s not just stress and burnout that makes us so tired, what is it?
Hindering God’s transformation: We think we’re Superpastors.
Creating space for God’s transformation: We are willing to work hard.
After reviewing the research on pastors and Christian leaders, I think I’ve pinpointed at least part of the answer. While stress and burnout rates are the same for pastors and those in other caregiving professions, there are three clusters of expectations for pastors Now that are different than most other jobs.
We can do it all. We are the perfect examples. We are always happy.
Mix these together and get that red cape ready because you’ve just followed the recipe for the Superpastor Syndrome.
Leaders and youth workers with Superpastor tendencies often feel the following:
Hindering God’s transformation: Rest is taboo.
Hindering God’s transformation: Comparison and jealousy.
Hindering God’s transformation: You focus on criticism.
Hindering God’s transformation: People don’t know the real you.
Hindering God’s transformation: High expectations for others.
You can’t rest (or at least you’re very bad at resting). You bring work with you on vacation, and you feel guilty when you’re home with a cold instead of out with students and leaders. You want to be the best, and you’re jealous of others. While you want others to succeed somewhat, you don’t want them to succeed more than you. You take a while to shake off criticism. If others praise most of your ministry and criticize one area, that area becomes like a stain on a white wall. When you look in that direction, all you see is the stain. You have few real friends, especially in your ministry. That’s not to say you don’t have meaningful conversations with others; it’s just that they’re calculated and guarded. As Eugene Peterson confesses about his former congregation, “They make me into a kind of holy persona and expect me to be that for them. It’s easy to let them; I like it. And because intimacy is difficult for me, as it is for them, it’s more comfortable for me to let that distance develop.”87 You place pressure on your spouse and kids. You want a high-achieving, well-behaved family, especially when others are looking.
It’s unclear whether the sources of these pressures are external (i.e., based on what others expect of us) or internal (i.e., based on what we expect of ourselves). My hunch is that it’s a mixture of the two. Regardless of the sources of the pressure, the result is the same: busyness and fatigue.
How many of us Superpastors are out there? While it’s difficult to know for sure, I’d estimate that more than 70 percent of youth workers are Superpastors. (And that’s conservative—the real number is probably higher.) For those of you you who aren’t math whizzes, that leaves 30 percent who are not Superpastors. At least there are some youth pastors who have found that elusive escape from the Superpastor Syndrome, but how? We’ll turn to that now.
DEEP DESIGN, STEP 2 (REFLECTION) : NEW?
In the midst of my research about Superpastors, I attended an annual forum hosted by the National Network of Youth Ministries. The first night of the talk, Louie Giglio, leader of the Passion conferences and worship gatherings, presented some New perspectives on deep ministry that Superpastors often ignore.
Creating space for God’s transformation: There is an escape from the Superpastor Syndrome.
Scripture: God is the great I AM.
Scripture: We are the great I AM NOT.
Louie started by talking about the God who is the great I AM—the God who, in the midst of Moses’ fear about approaching the people of Israel, promises that “I AM who I am” (Exodus 3:14a). Louie then asked a question I will never forget: “If God is the great I AM, what does that make us?”
Louie paused and then answered his own question, “That makes us the great I AM NOT.”
Think about what it means to be the great I AM NOT in youth ministry.
I am not the students’ rescuer. God is.
I am not their healer. God is.
I am not their comforter. God is, through his Holy Spirit.
I am not their hope. I am not their peace. I am not their life. God is. God is. God is.
And ultimately, I am not their pastor. God is the ultimate shepherd.
When I speak to groups of pastors and youth workers, I like to say to them, “True or false, you need God.” Most agree, “True.”
So I continue, “True or false, God needs you.”
The quick, knee-jerk reaction for over three-fourths of youth workers I’ve asked is similarly, “True.”
But wait. Really? Does the God of the universe need you, oh youth worker, to accomplish his work? Can’t he accomplish his work with limestone, elm trees, dandelions, and zebras if he chooses to? Are you really that indispensable? God’s definition of himself as I AM tells us he does not need us. It’s time to reclaim our I AM NOT-ness! It’s time to put away the red cape of the Superpastor and put on a T-shirt that says I AM NOT.
Research: Past solutions have encouraged doing “more” of something.
During my research I realized that many efforts to eliminate leaders’ fatigue tend to rely on “more” techniques. (This is similar to the “more of the same” solution we discussed in Chapter 1). Exercise more. Sleep more. Eat better. Get into a support group. None of these “solutions” are inherently bad. In fact, most are very helpful. The problem is that they’re too shallow. You can do them and still be a Superpastor. In fact, they can even make things worse—becoming another part of the Superpastor lifestyle. To escape the exhausting Superpastor lifestyle and truly live as I AM NOT, we need to stop in our tracks and do a theological U-turn. And that means confronting what I call the “Omni-Temptations.”
Omni-Temptation 1: Omnipresence
The first New way to live as I AM NOT is to stop pretending you’re omnipresent. “Omni” means “all,” and it’s common for youth workers to communicate that we can be everywhere at all times. It sounds pretty silly when you think about it. Only God is present everywhere at all times. But faced with the almost infinite demands of students and families, it’s tempting to act like we can be there for them 24/7.
Scripture: Only God is omnipresent.
“Sure, I can make it to the campus Bible study tomorrow. You need me to speak there, too? Yeah, I can do that.”
“You want to meet for coffee tomorrow because you’re interested in helping lead worship music? Hey, we’re desperate for new leaders. Name the time and the place, and I’ll be there.”
A sophomore named Jennifer taught me that I couldn’t be omnipresent—and that this is okay. She walked up to me after church one Sunday and handed me an invitation to her play on Thursday night. “Kara, I’d really like it if you could come see me in the play on Thursday.”
I knew I was free Thursday night. I had intentionally kept it open. I was busy Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday nights, so I wanted to just relax on Thursday.
I had a decision to make. Would I do what she was asking, or would I tell her the truth about my need for rest?
I paused and made my choice. “Jennifer, I’d love to be there on Thursday. I’m really proud of you and am sure you’ll do a great job. Technically, I’m free, but I’m out every other night this week with kids or leaders, and really feel like I need to keep that night free to rest.”
Jennifer looked at me and shrugged. “That’s okay. I’m glad you’re getting the rest you need.”
As Jennifer walked away, I was stunned. I just said I couldn’t be there for her, and nothing terrible happened! She didn’t faint. The earth didn’t open up and swallow her—or me. In fact, something very good came of it. She realized I am human—like her—and I needed rest. When Jennifer graduates from high school and looks back on our relationship, I’d rather have her remember me as a balanced person who modeled peace and gentle strength than a shallow youth worker who was always “there for her”—and always exhausted.
Experience: Others often want us to get the rest we need.
In the last several years I’ve decided to honor a weekly commitment to a Sabbath. Having a weekly time to PRAY and PLAY has been one of the most powerful ways I’ve admitted to myself and to others that I’m not a Superpastor. For more about what Scripture teaches about Sabbath and how you can incorporate it into your life, see our free resources at www.cyfm.net.
Scripture: It’s time to stop pretending we’re omniscient.
Omni-Temptation 2: Omniscience
In addition to realizing you’re not omnipresent, living as I AM NOT also means recognizing you’re not omniscient. While I may wish I were omniscient—or all-knowing—the facts are facts: the amount I don’t know about life, God, and people far exceeds what I do know. Instead of admitting they don’t have all the answers, Superpastors try to hide their limited knowledge. Instead of resting in life’s inevitable ambiguities and channeling energy toward true relationships, Superpastors devote energy toward pretending they don’t struggle or doubt
It was another sophomore girl who taught me this lesson. Corrina’s grandmother had been diagnosed with cancer the week before summer camp. When we talked about Corrina’s grandmother at cabin time, I tried to tell her the Typical Christian Youth Worker Stuff: “Nothing is impossible for God. He can heal her, so let’s pray for healing and his will to be done.”
During the middle of camp, I got a phone call from home with my own set of bad news. My stepmom had also been diagnosed with cancer, and it had spread to her lymph nodes. As I ended the phone call, I knew I needed to talk with Corrina. I found her in our cabin with a few other girls and told them my news. I couldn’t even finish telling them before I started to weep.
Corrina grabbed me and held on. She started weeping also, and in typical Girls’ Cabin at Camp fashion, soon all of us were crying. This time I decided not to pretend I had any answers—for me or Corrina or any of the girls who were going through trauma. When we prayed, it was heartfelt prayer. I confessed to God that I didn’t understand cancer, I was frustrated that it had invaded my family, and I wondered aloud if he’d choose to heal my stepmom. Corrina did the same with her grandmother. Other girls did the same with the difficulties they were experiencing.
Experience: It’s okay to admit doubt and pain.
Both Corrina’s grandmother and my stepmom ended up healed—by God, by the chemotherapy, or by a combination of the two. For that I am most grateful. But I’m also grateful for the New depth I learned that week at camp. I don’t have to pretend I have the answers. Life is too complex and too gray for my simple solutions.
Omni-Temptation 3: Omnigiftedness
Finally, stepping out of the exhausting Superpastor Syndrome means realizing we are not omnigifted. Unfortunately, the gifts and abilities pastors are expected to master have increased exponentially over the last few centuries. H. Newton Malony and Richard I. Hunt have suggested that, even as past images of leadership fade away, the pastor is still expected to play the hero of yesterday while also modeling today’s brand of heroism. In the period after the American Civil War, the ideal hero and pastor was a person “of power” whose preaching was forceful and influential over groups and crowds. Toward the end of the 1800s, the new hero became the “liberal progressive”—a pastor who could not only preach powerfully but also pursue social justice and be active in politics, union movements, and slum clearance. Following World War I, a new hero emerged: the competent manager. At this point, pastors were expected to be efficient administrators in addition to passionate preachers and social justice crusaders.88 While Malony and Hunt stop their analysis at this point, the new approaches to worship and technology that mark the start of the 21st century demand liturgical creativity and computer mastery in addition to all previous job requirements.
Translating that into youth ministry means that youth workers today are generally expected to have…
The entrepreneurial vision of Bill Gates The organizational abilities of Stephen Covey The passion of Maya Angelou The humor of Jon Stewart The counseling skills of Dr. Phil The authenticity of Oprah Winfrey
I’ll state the obvious: Oprah is Oprah, you are you, and I am me. And God has given each member of the body of Christ unique gifts that he wants us to use. All God expects of me is to use my gifts—not my gifts plus your gifts. So if we’re going to escape the tiring expectations of being omni-gifted and instead simply be me-gifted, we must step off the Superpastor pedestal and develop a deeper team.
History: Expectations have grown for pastors and leaders over recent decades.
Scripture: God wants me to use my gifts, not yours.
DEEP DESIGN, STEP 3 (OBSERVATION) : WHO?
Chris Brooks, president of Urban Reclaim Youth Ministry Foundation in the Twin Cities, is someone Who has learned to step off the Superpastor pedestal the hard way. During his 11 years of youth ministry experience in church and parachurch ministries, he has faced plenty of internal and external Superpastor pressures. Only when he “fell flat on his face” did he take off his cape and develop an effective and deep ministry. In his current role of “equipping urban youth workers in Minneapolis and St. Paul with the tools and capacities necessary to fulfill God’s call with excellence,” he hopes to help others learn from his experience as he continues to learn from theirs.
.Chris, you say that when you tried to be a Superpastor, you ended up falling flat on your face. What happened?
In youth ministry, we are often expected to be “one man” or “one woman” shows. When I was serving at my last two churches, I was expected to be the administrator, program implementer, volunteer recruiter and trainer, preacher, and vision caster. To be honest, wearing all those hats made me feel pretty good. People looked up to me because I had all of those responsibilities.
The downside was that I couldn’t deliver what was expected of me because I was trying to do too much. Most of what I did, I did really poorly.
Were there any particular areas that suffered?
Definitely teaching. There were times when I was teaching a certain subject, but I didn’t know the first thing about it. I’d fool some of the kids and leaders in our group. But people started to catch on that I wasn’t teaching any substance. People who knew their stuff started asking, “For real? That’s all you’ve got?”
What did you do as your ministry started to crumble and people started to grumble?
It’s always a challenge when you think you’re Michael Jordan, and you realize you’re a rookie. I had to face the reality that I was in a leadership position I wasn’t qualified for, and I was in over my head.
The first thing I did was identify my allies. Stepping out of the Superpastor Syndrome meant some people were going to turn against me. I knew I needed people who would stick with me and support me. I started with my two friends in my accountability group. I met with them, emotionally barfed on the table, and asked them to help me clean it up. I told them I couldn’t live like this anymore. Not only was I struggling in my church, but also my wife wasn’t pleased and my own kids were getting my leftovers.
Shouldn’t your accountability partners have talked with you about this before you hit such a big wall?
They tried, but I wasn’t ready. They had tried to help me before with managing my schedule and getting more time with my family, but I didn’t really hear them.
What did your two friends do to help you?
I asked them to help me strategize whom I needed to talk to, when I should talk to them, what I should say, and maybe most importantly, what I shouldn’t say. They encouraged me to go first to a few key stakeholders in our church, like the chair of the board, and ask them to help me work with the men’s and women’s ministries in our church to mobilize more mentors and teachers.
What about the kids and leaders in your own ministry?
I talked with them after I talked to the church leaders. I put the adult leaders on notice that I was thinking about changing my leadership style, and I wanted them to be praying.
I told the students about my change of heart in a sermon. I’ll never forget that day. I confessed to the students that I had focused more on their behavior than on their hearts. I repented and asked for their forgiveness.
The amazing thing is that students not only forgave me but decided to be part of the solution. They met together and asked themselves, “How are we going to help Chris?” Their answer took the form of a new student leadership team. But it was only when I stopped being a Superpastor that we finally had indigenous leadership development.
What types of changes did you make with your adult team?
I totally changed the way we invited and interacted with new leaders. As new leaders came into the group, we started doing a front-end assessment of their gifts, temperaments, and love languages. I wanted to gather as much data as possible about them so they could operate in the areas of their spiritual gifts and strengths. That way they’d not only be more effective, but also they’d stick with us (and their kids) longer.
What instruments or tools were especially helpful in trying to get to know your leaders?
I’m a big fan of the “Strengths Finder” instrument. (See http://www.strengthsquest.com for more information.) I also like the book Life Keys by Kise, Stark, and Hirsh because it’s very holistic. Another important resource was Love Languages, which has helped me figure out what types of affirmation are meaningful to myself and to others (e.g., Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Services, or Gifts).
What changed in the way you trained and nurtured your leaders?
Mark Maines is another youth worker trying to figure out how to escape the Superpastor Syndrome and better coach his leaders. At the end of this chapter, you can find a Coaching Worksheet with questions he asks his leaders. Blank copies of his Coaching Worksheet, as well as a Leadership Assessment Form and related article, can be downloaded for free at www.cyfm.net.
This may sound simplistic, but once we knew how every individual leader wanted to be cared for, it was much easier to care for each person. If someone’s love language were quality time, I’d have coffee with them. If they find being encouraged meaningful, I’d try to encourage them either in person or in a note.
Once I realized I couldn’t be a Superpastor, I realized I needed other adults to help me nurture these leaders. We invited seasoned adults in our churches to be “coaches” and meet with our adult leaders to talk about their relationships with God and their lives outside of the ministry.
Another struggle for Superpastors is finding rest. What did rest look like when you were a Superpastor?
Rest meant nothing to me when I was a Superpastor. There was no concept of rest in my life. Even when I was on vacation, I was thinking about the ministry and calling in daily to make sure everything was okay.
What are you doing differently to rest now?
Now that I’m trying to build the capacity of others, I have great rest. One of my old senior pastors had a motto: “Divert daily, withdraw weekly, and abandon annually.” I’m trying to follow that.
Sounds catchy, but what does it mean?
“Divert daily” means that I stop every day and do something unrelated to my ministry work. If I’m 15 minutes early somewhere, I stop by a creek and sit for 10 minutes. I try to keep a worship CD with me so that if I have a few minutes before a meeting, I can listen to some music and connect with God.
“Withdraw weekly” means having a spiritual retreat once a week. To be honest, I don’t do it weekly. I do it monthly. But it’s a nonnegotiable for me, and it’s even in my job description. I block out the whole day and don’t make any appointments or take any phone calls. I try to allow God to set the agenda. Sometimes I sense that God wants me to drive through a certain part of town and pray for the people. Some days I go and sit at the basilica or in a church sanctuary and pray for hours. Some days I dig into a spiritual formation book and write in my journal.
“Abandon annually” means taking your darned vacation! Don’t save it up, don’t bank it. Take it. No wonder our own kids don’t think life is very fun when we never get away with them. Saving vacation time is like the Israelites who tried to store up manna. It ends up rotten. When it comes to vacation, use it now, while you’ve got it.
Are there particular times when you are still tempted to tie on that cape and try to be the superhuman leader?
Unfortunately, I still find myself slipping into Superpastor Syndrome when I feel like I have too much to do and not enough time to delegate. I wish I would slow down, analyze the problem that faces me, and then involve others in solving it. But far too often I either hog the ball or fumble it. I’m still learning to be a team player.
Chris, what advice would you give those who’re tired of being Superpastors but are afraid of what others will think if they slow down and become less of a “one person show”?
We’ll never be able to end the Superpastor Syndrome on a deep level if we keep perpetuating models of leadership that revolve around one supposedly omnigifted leader. In order to do the great amount of work that needs to be done, we have to empower others.
DEEP DESIGN, STEP 4 (APPLICATION): HOW?
Application Questions:
If you were on trial and accused of being a Superpastor, what evidence would people use against you? Do you think you’d be convicted? How do you feel when you think about the fact that God is the great “I AM,” and you’re the great “I AM NOT”? Which of the “omnis” is the greatest temptation for you: feeling like you have to be omniscient, omnipresent, or omnigifted? Why do you think that is? How are your ministry and situation similar to Chris’s? How are they different? Chris mentioned the effect the Superpastor Syndrome was having on his family. How is your family affected by the way you fall into the Superpastor trap? Chris started by talking with the key stakeholders in his church about involving more people in leadership. Who might you need to talk with in your church about your leadership needs? As Chris talked about the recruiting, training, and nurturing he provides for his staff, what ideas did you get about your own ministry team? As you think about stepping out of the Superpastor Syndrome, how do you think your life or your ministry needs to change so you can go deeper?
COACHING WORKSHEET
How will I go deeper in ministry by stepping out of the Superpastor Syndrome?
Source
COACHING WORKSHEET
What is going well in our ministry?
What needs to be addressed?
How would you coach me for the future?
Next Steps
Robyn
Students are enjoying themselves and building community. Our teaching is becoming a strength. Our culture is drastically different than one year ago.
There are various levels of commitment amongst our staff. Life Group development needs to be developed for leaders. We need more staff.
Ask current staff to help recruit new staff. Invite students to suggest names of adults who seem to care about them and see if any of them want to join our staff.
Communicate expectations to all staff and ensure commitment. Develop plan to recruit more adult leaders.
Amy
Teaching is solid. Reel Spirituality is great. Change is gradual but healthy change is occurring.
We need to adjust our calendar to major holidays (i.e., cancel more Sundays).
Get input from parents about adjusting the holiday schedule.
Adjust calendar to include major holidays off; run schedule by a few parents.
Hany
Consistency has been our strength. We are regaining students’ trust. There is a growing excitement for the upcoming programs.
Small groups continue to need development.
Continue to work hard to connect personally with students. I think you are doing a great job.
Continue to recruit, train, and release adult small group leaders.
Billy
I feel supported and resourced. I enjoy the freedom to risk and fail. I gain beneficial perspective from our relationship.
I need more specific training and development.
Junior High Leaders desire more personal contact. Occasional presence in Junior High would be appreciated.
Create coaching plan that includes specifics and strategies.
- -philosophy
- -systems management
- -advanced planning
- -adolescent issues
Thanks to Mark Maines for allowing us to include his Coaching Worksheet. Blank copies are available for downloading for free at www.cyfm.net.