9: The Intersection of Family and Faith
THE INTERSECTION OF FAMILY AND FAITH
Family Life among Unchurched People
As pop-culture powerhouses like Modern Family, Real Housewives, and New Girl reveal, the American family is being reinvented. Some distinctive norms certainly differentiate the average churchgoing family from the average unchurched family, but the unconventional is becoming more normal across both segments of American family life. More blended families. More single parents sharing the kids on alternate weekends. More gay and lesbian couples raising children. More twenty- and thirtysomething singles forming de facto households. More diverse ideas about what family means.
The Mosaics are accelerating the reinvention of family that has been underway for forty years. Young adults are the most pragmatic generation yet when it comes to marriage; while most want to get married (someday), it’s got to “work” for them. Same with raising children —before most other considerations, Mosaics look at the practical issues involved in starting a family. And if those reinventions aren’t enough, many young adults are redefining “family” to include their tribe of friends.
But the overhaul of the American family doesn’t end (or begin) with young adults. Think about even the most conventional, Leave It to Beaver-ish family unit. That father, mother, 2.5 kids, and a dog —whether or not they attend church —are under enormous pressures of activity, busyness, and distraction. Between youth sports leagues, school-based programs, and extracurricular activities, many kids (and their minivan-driving parents) are on the go seven days a week. Add in Mom’s online class to finish a degree and Dad’s out-of-state travel for work, and you’ve got intense competition for that family’s time and engagement.
Church involvement often loses out.
Many churchgoing families are becoming less churched simply by virtue of their busy schedules and conflicting demands. The typical rhythm of being a family —even a good Christian family —is becoming less connected to church engagement. Two decades ago a “regular churchgoer” was a person who attended at least three weekends per month and often several times per week. But today a regular churchgoer shows up for worship once every four to six weeks. The insanely busy family schedule is creating a whole new species of well-meaning but less-committed churchgoers. They are almost churchless, not because they intend to be, but because church involvement is one among dozens of demands.
Most candid church leaders will admit that churchgoing is geared toward conventional families; that is, most churches’ “market” is married parents raising children together. But what has been the norm —the conventional family —is becoming less and less so. The orientation of church programming toward a shrinking family demographic will prove to be a challenge for many faith communities because they don’t (yet) know how to disciple the rapidly growing number of unconventional —unmarried, overcommitted, nontraditional —families.
Obviously, this lack of preparation has profound implications for the choices we make about ministry, which we will discuss in the final chapter.
The Family Life of the Churchless
Nearly half of churchless people (46 percent) say family is their highest priority. But what does that mean? Something different, perhaps, than what you might expect. A majority of the unchurched (56 percent) are single, whereas a majority of churched people are married (55 percent). In fact, the unchurched are nearly twice as likely as the churched to never have been married, and twice as likely to cohabit. Most of the nation’s unchurched adults are not only churchless but also spouseless.
So why and how is family such a big priority for so many of them?
Like most other Americans, the unchurched see family as a network of relationships that provides personal support, security, belonging, purpose, comfort, and the opportunity to receive and give love. They look upon family as a natural part of a normal life, and these relationships represent a vital part of their identity. They know who they are because of their family connections and shared experiences.
But that does not mean the families of the churchless mirror those of churched adults. Three out of every ten unchurched adults have children under the age of eighteen living with them. Most of these young people are in homes with two married parents, but one-fifth are in homes with a single parent who has never been married. One-seventh are in homes with cohabiting adults and a similar number are in homes with parents who are separated or divorced.
Less than one out of every five unchurched households (18 percent) is a “traditional family” —that is, a married husband and wife with one or more children under eighteen.[12] Thirteen percent are “nontraditional families” that include children. One-quarter (26 percent) are married adults without children in the home, while the remaining 43 percent are single adults living without children under eighteen.
Understanding these demographics can help to explain why many of the common approaches to attracting the unchurched —many of which revolve around children —fail to produce the hoped-for results.
{Insert bar chart “Households of the Unchurched”}
Married with (or without) Children
Unchurched people who are married take their commitment seriously. The vast majority also claim to be happily married. Three-quarters say one of their highest goals is to stay married to the same partner for life. (A large share of those who do not have this goal are single and have no plans to marry.) Two-thirds say one of their highest goals is to have a satisfying sex life with their spouse, while half say that having children is one of their highest goals.
The interest in having children is considerably lower than among the churched (71 percent) and is related to the fact that the unchurched are younger —and today’s young adults, churched or not, are less enthusiastic about raising children. As the costs and complexity of child rearing have increased, surveys over the past decade have shown declining interest in raising kids. This shift in attitude may also be related to the increase in self-centeredness that studies have identified among churched and churchless young adults. It’s the “selfie” generation —a cohort of young adults who are perfectly comfortable posing for pictures and being the center of attention on their social media feeds. It’s tempting to blame Mosaics for their narcissistic tendencies, but we have to ask: who raised this generation? In many ways Mosaics are simply following the Boomers and taking the self-centered revolution to its logical conclusion. When the question is, What’s in it for me?, the self-sacrifice demanded by parenthood is not an attractive answer.
Still, the churchless are looking for relational connections in this rising tide of entitlement. Nearly half of all unchurched adults agree that having a mentor to coach them through the child-rearing years is very important. However, while millions of them see value in and hope to have a good parenting mentor, relatively few (15 percent) believe they need more parenting input from their peers. Parenting advice offered by friends, neighbors, and associates has little impact and is rarely appreciated.
One of the challenges facing unchurched parents is setting standards and guidelines for teaching their kids right from wrong. In contrast to churched adults, they lack one critical resource: trust in the Bible. Whereas four out of ten churched parents (41 percent) say they rely on the Bible to define moral parameters, only one out of twelve unchurched adults (8 percent) does so. The churchless compensate by trusting their feelings and personal experience to a much greater degree. They are nearly twice as likely as the churched to turn inward for such guidance (77 percent compared to 40 percent). It is interesting to note, however, that when crisis strikes the family, the unchurched and churched report similar responses. They are most likely to turn to their parents (one-third) or their spouse (one-fifth) for help and support. However, 20 percent of churched people say they would also seek out someone connected to their faith, such as a minister or fellow believer, or engage in a spiritual act such as prayer or seeking guidance from the Bible. Only 7 percent of the unchurched would rely on faith resources in a family crisis.
What Churches Bring to the Family Table
Parenting and family life have changed dramatically over the past quarter-century. While the notion of bringing a child to church for religious instruction made sense to parents two and three decades ago, the appeal has fizzled somewhat over time —though it still is stronger than most other motivations the churchless express for coming to church. Today’s unchurched parents do not automatically assume that a church can offer them significant help as they raise their children in a confusing and dangerous world. In fact, churchless adults are half as likely as churched parents to believe churches are a very helpful resource for parental development (24 percent versus 47 percent, respectively). We partnered with Reggie Joiner and his organization, Orange,[13] to study how parents, both churched and unchurched, relate to churches and what they expect from church. More than half of churchless parents (54 percent) say they would not seek parenting help from a church.
However, many churchless adults (42 percent) do see churches as an important resource when it comes to the moral, spiritual, and character development of their children. Another 8 percent mention pastors, youth groups, and the Bible as resources of value. In total, half of unchurched adults identify church-related resources as the most helpful tools available to them for shaping the inner life of their children. That’s only slightly less than is true among churched adults (58 percent). In the Orange survey, one-quarter of churchless parents (24 percent) said they would like a church to provide support to their family, whether spiritual, emotional, moral, or some other kind. Of all the activities —sports, camps, events —offered by churches to kids and families, what parents want most is help instilling values and character in their children.
Faith-based sports programs provide some success at attracting unchurched families to church-sponsored events. While such programs do not draw a majority of unchurched families, about half feel that a high-quality program would be attractive to them and their children. In particular, however, they are seeking programs that offer facilities, equipment, and training superior to other options available in their community. Only 4 percent say they would be drawn by the provision of spiritual and moral development in conjunction with sports.
Aside from that flicker of interest, however, two-thirds of the churchless say parental training and child-rearing resources and programs would do little or nothing to encourage them to attend a church.
Reflections on Unchurched Family Life
As a review of the last few years’ headlines reveals, marriage is being redefined in America. The growing acceptance of same-sex marriage, the acceptance of divorce and serial marriage, the embrace of cohabitation, and increasing skepticism about marriage in general all have an impact on what’s considered “normal” when it comes to family. The fact that young adults, in particular, are redefining family to include close friends, even though this is a regularly shifting group, points to the impermanence and unreliability associated with family in the minds of millions of people. Given these continuing shifts, churches may have a difficult time connecting with the unchurched if their ministries are tailored for traditional households. In particular, single and married-without-children adults have little reason to connect with a church if its resources are funneled toward children’s and family ministry.
And yet . . . the church must not altogether abandon its ministries to children. As we have documented elsewhere, kids who are exposed to biblical worldview teaching before the age of thirteen are much more likely to pursue Christian faith as an adult than those who are not.[14] Pastor Larry Reichardt of South Coast Fellowship in Ventura, California, emphasizes the importance of connecting with kids where they are, instead of trying to attract them to church first: “We share Christ with kids on the streets and then we visit the kids’ families at home and pray for them. We start small groups in their area in English or Spanish and minister to their needs. We also do physical things in the neighborhood to demonstrate we care, sharing the love of God where they are and how they are. Eventually, we ask them to church.”
John Burke, cofounder of Gateway Church in Austin, Texas, and president of Emerging Leadership Initiative, points out the worldview differences between today’s kids and those who were children decades ago: “I don’t see [direct evangelism] as a primary strategy for our post-Christian context. It worked in the ’50s through the ’80s when the task was clarifying the Gospel of Grace to Builder/Boomer kids who grew up with background knowledge of the God of the Bible and His story. That’s no longer the case.”
Clearly, the need for churches to introduce kids to God and the Scriptures is as great as ever. But as an ever-greater number of young adults come of age without a foundational understanding of Christian principles and the Bible, churches must also reconsider their strategies for ministering to the unchurched. Does your faith community offer an experience of family to those who are single? Do young marrieds feel incomplete or less than other couples because they don’t have children? Are single moms and dads given the kind of support they need to be both parents to their kids? Do divorced folks have a safe place of supportive relationships where they can heal and grow?
As it has for millennia, the church can help families grow in faith and love. To do that, we must adjust our expectations and methods to reflect the changing landscape of the family in our culture.
Forward Thinking
• Do you know the family demographics of your church’s surrounding community? How well do your church’s ministry priorities reflect those demographics?
• What is your church doing to introduce children to a biblical worldview? How could your kids’ ministry be more focused on this goal?
• The modern family comes in many shapes and sizes. To what extent is your faith community “one size fits all” when it comes to family ministry? What could you do to support and nurture families that fall outside the traditional norm?