Chapter Fourteen--Loneliness
Chapter Fourteen
Loneliness
ro·mance: an ardent emotional involvement, a fascination or enthusiasm for someone
The bottom line: life in the kingdom of God is like waiting for the love of your life to return.
It was going to be a month-long trip to Korea and India. I was excited about the many ministry opportunities and challenges that were before me. I felt privileged to be doing what I was doing. At the airport I said a long, sweet goodbye to my lover and my lifelong best friend, Luella. She was a bit tearful; it was a long trip, and she knew that I would be far away and often unreachable. I was ready to embark on a journey that it seemed I had been preparing for for years. As I walked down the concourse, I kept looking back for one last glance at her. I remember being halfway down the walkway and looking one more time and being disappointed because the crowd had obscured Luella. She was gone.
The flight was long, and I couldn’t wait for my feet to touch earth and my body to find a soft bed. As I was digging through my suitcase that first night, I discovered a piece of chocolate that Luella had hidden away with a typical Luella note. I went to sleep with a smile on my face at what she had sent with me to make my journey easier. Although Luella was physically in Philadelphia, I had taken her with me and she had left pieces of herself behind for me to remember and enjoy.
As the days of separation increased, I found myself thinking about Luella more and more. In fact, there were moments when not only would I wish she were there to share the experience with me, but I would start to turn and say something to her, only to be jolted into the reality that I had left her at home. By the time I passed the midway point of my trip, I was counting down the days. I found myself daydreaming about getting off the plane and seeing her face. I envisioned the first sight of her, the first touch of her hand, the first kiss. I thought about sitting across a table from her and going through a detailed chronology of the trip. With my heart I saw her smile and I heard her laugh.
I began talking more about Luella to those who were with me. I wasn’t conscious of it, but I found ways to squeeze her into the conversation and sing her praises. Finally someone said to me, “You really miss her, don’t you?”
On those final days of the trip it was hard to concentrate. I politely did my duty, but my heart was not in it. I wanted to get on the plane and make my way home. And the closer the day came, the lonelier I got. I just wanted to be home with Luella.
A Central Romance
What drives our life in the kingdom of God? What motivates its activity and fuels its duty? What is the one indispensable ingredient that immediately separates it from life in the little kingdom of self? I can answer these questions with one word: romance. Now, maybe you’re thinking, Paul, what in the world are you talking about? What does expanding my life to the size of the kingdom of God have to do with romance? I could understand if you had said theology or ministry, but romance? I just don’t get it.
As I watch the church operate, as I look back on my own life with the Lord, and as I look at the Bible and how it describes the Christian lifestyle, I am more and more persuaded that there is one central thing, one foundational pursuit, one unchallenged heart that must lie behind it all. And if it doesn’t, nothing will be as it was meant to be in the big kingdom. That thing is not an unwavering commitment to a consistently biblical theology. It is not working to build a comprehensive Christian world-and life-view through which you look at everything in life. It is not a dedicated pursuit of involvement in the fellowship of the body of Christ. It is not a life shaped by a persevering commitment to ministry and service. And it is not a zeal for daily personal devotion, study, and worship. This one central thing is not so much a pursuit, a habit, or a duty, but a passionate disposition of the heart.
Behind every good thing that the King calls us to do, the one thing that will give us motivation and direction is this central and abiding romance. It is meant to be the one holy romance of our lives, the romance for which we were both created and redeemed: Christ’s great cosmic love for us and our responsive love for him. At the center of the kingdom is the King; and therefore the center of kingdom living is a deep, abiding, life-shaping affection for the King. This one central love fuels everything else we are meant to pursue as we exit the narrow confines of our self-defined kingdoms and begin to enjoy life in the big sky country of the kingdom of God. We are simply meant to be madly in love with Christ. He is meant to be the thing that occupies our minds and fills our hearts. He is meant to be what excites us and brings us joy. He is to be the One whom we are living to please. You really will expand your life to the size of the kingdom of God when you heart is absolutely captured by this one central romance.
At its core, life in the big kingdom is not so much about pursuing a thing; it is about pursuing a person. It is about having the eyes of my heart focused on Christ. It is about a soul that is filled with appreciation and brimming with affection. It is walking around astounded that he would place his affection on me and even receive my flawed love. It is living with the hope that someday we will no longer be separated; someday I will be united to him and live with him forever.
In the meantime, life in the big kingdom is not just about being thankful for his provision, for fellowship, sound teaching, and worthwhile causes to give my energies to. No, central to big kingdom living is being thankful for him; for his presence, his forgiveness, his patience, his mercy, his gentleness, his wisdom, his compassion, his companionship, his kindness, and his love. Big kingdom living is about feeling incredibly blessed, not just because of the physical things, the beneficial circumstances, and the many people who have been placed in my life, but feeling blessed because of him. I cannot believe that he would love me! I cannot believe that the King of kings, the Creator, the Savior, and the Ruler of the universe would ever desire to be my friend. And I live with grateful amazement at the lengths to which he went to have this love relationship with me. It is this one central romance that gives motivation and direction to every other good thing that defines what it means to live for God’s kingdom and glory. And when your heart is not captured by this love, no matter how many external Christian pursuits you are giving yourself to, you are still actually living in the little kingdom.
No Time for Romance
We are so distractible. We are so fickle. We are so incredibly busy. We live at such a frenetic pace. There are so many ways we have found to fill our days, yes even our lives. Could it be that we keep ourselves so busy, so on the run, so distracted by the events of the day, or by the plans of the days to come, that we have little or no time to pursue this one central romance? Could it be that we have been welcomed to a love relationship with Christ, which by ourselves we would have never pursued or could have never deserved, but now are too overcommitted to run after and enjoy?
Relationships take commitment. Relationships demand time. Relationships require perseverance. Relationships call us to sacrifice. At its core, biblical faith is not a commitment to an ideology; it is an undeserved welcome into a relationship. It is Christ making us the “apple of his eye” and calling us to love him more than anything or anyone else in our lives. Can you imagine a man declaring his love for a woman, telling her that she is more important than anything else in his life, and yet finding little time to deepen their communion and love? It is possible for us to declare ourselves to be Christians, to say that we love the Lord more than we love anything else, and yet to have no time for Christ!
It is frighteningly easy to find so much satisfaction in the things we are doing that we have little time or energy to find satisfaction in Jesus. The problem is that few of the things we are pursuing are harmful in themselves. We can give ourselves valid reasons for being involved in all of them. And so the distractions in our lives don’t trouble us. They occupy our schedules with logic and plausibility, even though they prevent us from pursuing this one central romance that is meant to be the unchallenged source of our meaning, identity, purpose, and hope.
Our schedules are filled by:
exercising,
night classes,
music lessons,
theater,
shopping,
vacations,
second jobs,
home decorating, golf,
Little League,
concerts,
restaurants,
remodeling,
politics,
television,
hair appointments,
iPods,
museums,
doctor appointments,
budget balancing,
VCRs,
amusement parks,
walking the dog,
conferences,
reading,
cooking classes,
and on and on...
Is it possible that we can sing of our love for Christ on Sunday, but have no time for this one central romance on Monday? Could it be that we have filled our time with too many things? Could it be that we are not frustrated captives of our busy schedules, but are, in fact, the heart-driven controllers of our time? Might our schedules actually portray what is important to us and gives us joy?
At the epicenter of the kingdom of God is a love relationship with Christ, a deep affection for Jesus that guides and shapes everything you are, everything you think, everything you desire, every decision you make, every word you say, and every action you take. Jesus is the kingdom! His kingdom is first a kingdom of love! His welcome to the kingdom is actually an invitation to an eternal love relationship with him.
Now, does this sound mystical and impractical to you? Does it seem too ethereal to really connect to your everyday life? Well, let me remind you that for all the powerful emotions and magic moments of a human romance, a healthy love relationship is actually pretty mundane and practical. You have to make the practical commitments of time, money, affection, and energy. You have to listen well and speak clearly. You have to be determined to be patient, forgiving, forbearing, and humble. You need to recognize the places giving and serving are needed. You have to take time to call, write, email, or text. And you have to decide what things you will give up in order to do all of these things. The health of this relationship will not depend on three or four big significant moments, but on ten thousand little moments where you did the loving thing. So it is with our relationship with Christ. It is the grand affection that is lived out in thousands of little choices and actions. When we are serious about our love of Christ, our lives will show it.
Fickle Hearts
When we examine our lives closely, it becomes clear that our problem is not our schedules. It is not that God has put more on our plates than we can possibly accomplish in seven, twenty-four-hour days. Our problem is our fickle hearts that wander away from this one central romance and so easily give our affection to another. The Bible calls this “love of the world.” And the Bible tells us that if we love the world, the love of the father is not in us. (See 1 John 2:15—17.) James says that we get angry with one another because we are spiritual adulterers, and the person next to us gets in the way of what we love. (See James 4:1—4.) The world is so attractive to our eyes and so seductive to our hearts. The creation can seem so much more real than the Creator. The sights, sounds, touches, and tastes of the world can seem to make us more alive than the purposes, promises, presence, and provisions of a God who can neither be seen nor heard. This is a battle you do not win once. It is a battle that you must face every day. You must tell yourself that in this world you are surrounded by other lovers who will seek to woo you away from the one grand romance that is to be the core of your existence. You must prepare for this seduction and you must steel yourself against the temptation to spiritual adultery. And you must do it again and again and again, or your heart will be stolen away.
Loneliness
If love for Jesus really is the central affection of your life, if he owns your heart and commands your thoughts, and if knowing and pleasing him is the one determined pursuit of your life, then you will live a lonely life. Yes, you will be thankful for all the wonderful fellow romancers that God has put in your life. You will be thankful for every moment of human understanding, patience, gentleness, and compassion that you are blessed to experience. You will find joy in your relationships in the body of Christ. But your heart will long for the day when you will actually be in his presence forever. Living in the big kingdom is like waiting for the one you love to come home. When separated from your earthly lover, your loneliness surfaces in various ways:
Why do you do all of these things? Because you are lonely for the one you love, and you refuse to numb the ache in your heart by letting anyone or anything else take his place while you wait for his return. Christian life is meant to be marked by an ache of deep spiritual loneliness. The Christian life is meant to be shaped by an eye that is constantly on eternity and the amazing reunion that is to come. That’s why Scripture repeatedly describes the Christian life as a life of waiting. (See Rom. 8:23—25; Gal. 5:5; 1 Thess. 1:9—10; Heb. 9:28.) Our problem is not that we fail to be satisfied. Our problem is that we are too quickly satisfied. When we are not lonely, it is because present lovers have stolen our affection away, and for the moment, we are satisfied.
Big kingdom living is supposed to look like waiting for the love of your life to return. You are waiting, but in your wait you are actively doing everything you can to deepen your love and prepare yourself for the reunion that is to come. And as you do all of that, there is an ache in your heart, because you really do want to be with the one you love forever.
The final question: where in your life are the “other lovers” that compete with your love for Christ?