You Lost Me, Explained
You Lost Me, Explained
It feels as if they are reading from a script.
Young adults describe their individual faith journeys in startlingly similar language. Most of their stories include significant disengagement from church—and sometimes from Christianity altogether. But it’s not just dropping out that they have in common. Many young people who grew up in church and have since dropped out do not hesitate to place blame. They point the finger, fairly or not, at the establishment: you lost me.
Anna and Chris are two such young people. I met them on a recent trip to Minneapolis. Anna is a former Lutheran, now an agnostic. After years of feeling disconnected, she was pushed away, finally, by the “fire and brimstone” sermon the pastor preached at her wedding ceremony. Chris is a former Catholic who became an atheist for several years, in part because of how the church handled his parents’ divorce.
I met Graham on another business trip. A natural-born leader, he was attending a program for Christian students. Yet he confessed, “I’m not sure I really believe all this stuff anymore. When I pray I feel like I’m just talking to thin air.”
As I was finishing the final edits on this book, I ran into Liz, a twentysomething from my home church in Ventura, California. When she was in high school, I had been an adult volunteer in the youth group. She said that, despite her upbringing in church and attendance at a Christian college, she had been struggling with feelings of isolation and judgment from her Christian peers. She had met a family from another religious faith and was impressed by them. “A few weeks ago I decided to convert and join them.”
———
Each story is unique, yet they have much in common with the unique stories of thousands of other young adults. The details differ, but the theme of disengagement pops up again and again, often accompanied by a sense that the decision to disconnect was out of their hands. A colleague of mine forwarded an article about Catholicism’s loss of so many young people. Among the online comments, these two stood out:
I wonder what percentage of . . . “Lost” Catholics feel like I do, that we did not leave the Church, but rather, the Church left us.
I hung in for a long while, thinking that fighting from within was the way to go, but I ultimately realized that it was damaging my relationship with God and my relationship with myself and I felt no choice but to leave.[1]
The familiar themes that emerge from such stories do not make them any easier for parents and church leaders, who have poured much effort and prayer into young lives, to hear. In fact parents’ descriptions of the you-lost-me phenomenon are also eerily similar. An earnest mom, Pam, stopped me after a conference. Her question: what should she do about her engineering-student son, who after being a committed Christ-follower for many years was now having significant doubts about the relevance and rationale of Christianity?
I had lunch with another Christian parent who was at the point of tears because his nineteen-year-old son had announced that he did not want anything to do with his parents’ faith. “David, I can’t explain the loss we feel about him. I am hopeful that he will return to faith because I see how good and generous he is. But it’s so difficult for his mother and me. And I can barely stand the way his negative choices are affecting our younger kids. It’s all I can do not to ask him to leave our home.”
THE STRUGGLES OF YOUNG CHRISTIANS
If you read my previous book, unChristian, written with Gabe Lyons, you may wonder where this new project fits with that research. unChristian looks at the reasons young non-Christians reject the Christian faith and explores the changing reputation of Christians, especially evangelicals, in our society. That book focuses on the perceptions and priorities of young non-Christians, or outsiders, as we called them.
You Lost Me, on the other hand, is about young insiders. At its heart are the irreverent, blunt, and often painful personal stories of young Christians—or young adults who once thought of themselves as Christians—who have left the church and sometimes the faith. The book’s title is inspired by their voice and mindset, and reflects their disdain for one-sided communication, disconnect from formulaic faith, and discomfort with apologetics that seem disconnected from the real world. You Lost Me is about their perceptions of churches, Christianity, and culture. It gives voice to their concerns, hopes, delusions, frustrations, and disappointments.
A generation of young Christians believes that the churches in which they were raised are not safe and hospitable places to express doubts. Many feel that they have been offered slick or half-baked answers to their thorny, honest questions, and they are rejecting the “talking heads” and “talking points” they see among the older generations. You Lost Me signals their judgment that the institutional church has failed them.
Whether or not that conclusion is fair, it is true that the Christian community does not well understand the new and not-so-new concerns, struggles, and mindsets of young dropouts, and I hope that You Lost Me will help to bridge this gap. Because of my age (thirty-seven) and my position as a researcher, I am often asked to explain young people to older generations and advocate for their concerns. I welcome the task because, whatever their shortcomings, I believe in the next generation. I think they are important, and not just because of the cliché “young people are the leaders of tomorrow.”
The story—the great struggle—of this emerging generation is learning how to live faithfully in a new context, to be in the world but not of the world. This phrase, “in but not of the world,” comes from Jesus’s prayer for his followers, recorded in John 17. For the next generation, the lines between right and wrong, between truth and error, between Christian influence and cultural accommodation are increasingly blurred. While these are certainly challenges for every generation, this cultural moment is at once a singular opportunity and a unique threat to the spiritual formation of tomorrow’s church. Many young adults are living out the tension of in-but-not-of in ways that ought to be corrected or applauded, yet instead are often criticized or rejected.
In the vibrant and volatile story of the next generation, a new spiritual narrative is bubbling up. Through the lens of this project, I have come to understand and agree with some, though not all, of their grievances. Yes, we should be concerned about some of the attitudes and behaviors we encounter in the next generation of Christians, yet I also find reasons to hope in the best of what they have to offer. Apparently they are a generation prepared to be not merely hearers of doctrine but doers of faith; they want to put their faith into action, not just to talk. Yes, many young dropouts are stalled in their spiritual pursuits, yet a significant number of them are reinvigorating their faith with new ideas and new energy.
From this generation, so intent on reimagining faith and practice, I believe the established church can learn new patterns of faithfulness. You Lost Me seeks to explain the next generation’s cultural context and examine the question How can we follow Jesus—and help young people faithfully follow Jesus—in a dramatically changing culture?
A NEW MINDSET
This is a question every modern generation of believers must answer. I believe that, within the stories of young people wrestling with faith, the church as a whole can find fresh and revitalizing answers. Let’s call it “reverse mentoring,” because we, the established Christian generation, have a lot to learn from the emerging generation.[2]
We are at a critical point in the life of the North American church; the Christian community must rethink our efforts to make disciples. Many of the assumptions on which we have built our work with young people are rooted in modern, mechanistic, and mass production paradigms. Some (though not all) ministries have taken cues from the assembly line, doing everything possible to streamline the manufacture of shiny new Jesus-followers, fresh from the factory floor. But disciples cannot be mass-produced.[3] Disciples are handmade, one relationship at a time.
We need new architects to design interconnected approaches to faith transference. We need new ecosystems of spiritual and vocational apprenticeship that can support deeper relationships and more vibrant faith formation. We need to recognize the generational shifts from left-brain skills like logic, analysis, and structure to the right-brain aptitudes of creativity, synthesis, and empathy. We need to renew our catechisms and confirmations—not because we need new theology, but because their current forms too rarely produce young people of deep, abiding faith. We need to rethink our assumptions and we need the creativity, honesty, and vitality of the next generation to help us.
As we begin, recognize that we have both individual responsibility and institutional opportunity. Our interpersonal relationships matter. We need to allow the Holy Spirit to guide our parenting, our mentoring, and our friendships. Yet the next generation’s faith cannot be addressed simply through better relationships. Institutions such as media, education, church, government, and others significantly influence the faith journeys of the next generation. Implication: we have to reexamine the substance of our relationships and the shape of our institutions.
Do you sense, as I do, that we are at a critical point for the substance and shape of the Christian community in the West? In Eric Metaxas’s biography of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, he vividly describes the leadership and clarity the German pastor demonstrated in understanding the evils of the spirit of his age (the Nazis) and the tragic capitulation of the church to culture. Metaxas writes this about the toxic cultural atmosphere of Germany at that time: “The First War and the subsequent depression and turmoil had brought about a crisis in which the younger generation, especially, had lost all confidence in traditional authority and the church. The German notion of the Führer arose out of this generation and its search for meaning and guidance out of its troubles.”[4]
Our research at Barna Group leads me to believe that the next generation of Christians has a similar crisis of confidence in institutions, including government, the workplace, education, and marriage, as well as the church. I am not saying that our times are ripe for the rise of a new führer—God forbid—but I do want to suggest that our cultural moment demands of us Bonhoeffer-like clarity and leadership. Where institutions failed the next generation, he stepped in as a mentor, confidant, and friend. Where culture demanded mindless conformity in exchange for a sense of belonging, he created deep, kingdom-centered, alternative community. Where the church accommodated Nazism’s ungodly beliefs and practices, he spoke sternly and prophetically to its leaders and adherents, challenging them to repent and reform.
In coming chapters, we will explore the seismic shifts in our culture. We’ll hear directly from young dropouts and situate their personal stories against the backdrop of profound cultural change, so that we can better understand their shifting worldview. If we begin to grasp their assumptions, values, and allegiances, I believe we will catch a fresh vision, as Bonhoeffer did, for how the Christian community can obey Jesus’s command to make disciples in this and future generations.
Let me offer my thanks to the thousands of young Mosaics who shared their experiences for this project. (See Terms Used for Generations for Generational Definitions such as “Mosaic,” “Buster,” “Boomer,” and so on.) If you are a young adult, perhaps you will see something like your story reflected in these pages. I hope this book provides you with a sense that you are not alone, that there are many Christians who are eager to listen to and reengage with you in the grand, yet often challenging, Way of following Jesus. I would like to think God could use this book to help you find your path back to Christ and his church.
If you are a parent, grandparent, educator, pastor, or young Christian leader, my goal for this book is that it serve as a resource, helping you consider how to transfer faith from one generation to the next. In addition to young people’s views, You Lost Me includes contributions from experts and influencers of older generations. Given this multitude of viewpoints, I can almost guarantee that some of what we will discover together will make you feel threatened, overwhelmed, and perhaps even a little guilty. My aim is to provoke new thinking and new action in the critical process of the spiritual development of the next generation. As a faith community, we need a whole new mind to see that the way we develop young people’s faith—the way we have been teaching them to engage the world as disciples of Christ—is inadequate for the issues, concerns, and sensibilities of the world we ask them to change for God. Whether we come from a Catholic, evangelical, mainline, or Orthodox tradition, we need to help the next generation of Christ-followers deal well with cultural accommodation; we need to help them live in-but-not-of lives. And in the process, we will all be better prepared to serve Christ in a shifting cultural landscape.
But first, we need to understand the dropout problem.