9 If Sex Is about Obedience, Then It Can’t Be Just about You
I tell parents all the time that one of the first and most important heart issues for young children is authority. Sinners naturally dislike authority. They tend to want to be their own authority. Sinners are oriented to self-sovereignty and the writing of their own moral code. Children tend not to ask their parents for more rules and closer accountability. Children tend not to celebrate when they have been told what to do. Children tend to look at authority as something that robs them of freedom. Children tend not to see authority as a blessing. Natural rebellion to authority, which in some way is the state of all sinners, is one of the principal heart struggles for every human being.
All this is important because you will never deal with the sex issue until you have first dealt with the authority issue. As we’ve noted throughout, the sexual struggle and the sexual insanity of the culture are rooted in something deeper than sex. They are rooted in a rejection of the authority of God over every area of human existence. They are rooted in a deep desire for self-rule. They are rooted in the human drive to take charge of one’s own life. They are rooted in the deep and abiding cultural heresy that says, “My body belongs to me and no one has the right to tell me what to do with it.” The sexual insanity all around us is, in fact, anti-authority madness that cannot and will not go anywhere good, because it violates the very nature of who we are and how the world was designed to operate.
As we’ve already seen, little children and grown men and women alike need to be confronted with the stark reality that it will never be about them, because they have been born into a world that by its very nature is the celebration of another. They have been born into a world not owned by them. They have been born into a world that was not intended to be ruled by them. Any authority humans have is representative or ambassadorial. Human authority is never ultimate. Every human authority is placed where it has been placed to visibly represent the invisible authority of God. Here is the bottom line that must then shape the way you view everything, including sex: the world we live in is a world under rule. This means that I do not have the right to do whatever I want to do, whenever, however, and with whomever I want to do it. Because there is an authority over all things, there is law. And because there is law, for every area of my life, there are morally right things to do and morally wrong things.
So the issue for every human being is, will I submit to the directives of the One who rules over all, or will I deny his authority and write my own rules? This is the ultimate and inescapable human decision. So sex can’t be just about reaching the highest moment of pleasure, because that is an essentially lawless way of looking at sex. Sex has to be about obedience to the law. If there is an authority who rules every dimension of your life, then sex can’t be just about you. It is always about God’s will, his way, his plan, his pleasure, and his glory and about the degree of your willingness to submit to him.
Another factor is the lie of self-sufficiency. This lie tells me that I have everything I need inside of me to be what I’m supposed to be and to do what I’m supposed to do. I do not need the help, wisdom, and guidance of another. I am able to figure it all out, and I am able to live the kind of life I was designed to live with no outside assistance. The fact is really the opposite. Human beings were not created to live independently or self-sufficiently. Human beings were created to be dependent. We were created with fundamental needs that we cannot meet on our own. We are born with a need for a wisdom we don’t have. We are born with a need for strength we do not possess. We all need to be taught and enabled and, because of sin, rescued and transformed. The self-made person is a fantasy. The independent human being is a delusion. We are weak and needy, all of us. There simply is no escaping it.
So this is the way I should view myself, including my sexual self. In sex I will either accept the fact that I am weak and needy and seek the help of my Creator or deny the empirical evidence I daily give of who I am and act as if I know what I do not know and am able to do what I cannot do. So armed with a belief that my body is mine to use as I choose and that I am wise and strong, I will write my own sex manual and do what I want with my body and the bodies of others, all the while telling myself that I am wise and that what I am doing is good. And day after day I will deny my sexual insanity and blame on others the trouble that results.
It bears repeating that the sexual mess all around us is much, much more than a sex mess. It is a mess of self-worship, a denial of community, a rejection of authority, and the individualization of sex that results. You cannot move toward sexual sanity without addressing these root issues. You can’t isolate sex and successfully fix sex without dealing with the underlying issues that have caused the mess to be the mess that it is.
The little child who becomes comfortable rejecting the authority of God, as it comes through the authority of his parents, is heading for sexual insanity. The teenage girl who mocks her parents as hyperconservative and embarrassingly old-fashioned, and so rejects their authority, is heading for sexual insanity. The college graduate who has been persuaded that his life is his for the using is headed for sexual insanity. The middle-aged man who thinks he has the independent strength to keep his sexual desires in check is headed for sexual insanity. There is no escaping it—your sex life always reveals how you are dealing with the unavoidable issue of authority. You submit to the laws of the King, or you set yourself up as king. That’s it; there is no neutral world to live in.
What Does Obedience Look Like?
Obedience is more than a set of behaviors; obedience is an attitude of the heart. I will pirate the definition that my brother, Tedd, has given for obedience: Obedience is the willing submission of my heart to God that causes me to do what God has commanded without challenge, excuse, or delay. May I say at the get-go that an obedient heart protects and purifies your sex life. At the core of sexual purity lives a willing recognition of and submission to the authority of God.
Let’s unpack Tedd’s definition. The essence of obedience is not simply doing the right stuff. Rather, the essence of obedience is the heart, and what must live in the heart of the obedient person is a willing submission to God’s authority. Obedience that is not willingly submissive is not obedience. If you must force, cajole, threaten, or guilt others into obedience, you have to do that precisely because they are not obedient. They lack the willingness that is at the center of every obedient life. Sexually pure people are pure because they have a willing heart, and because they have a willing heart, they are ready to say no to powerful desires, raging emotions, and seductive temptations, turning and doing what God has called them to do. The person who fights what is right, who constantly questions it, who looks for ways around it, and who occasionally even mocks it will not be sexually pure for very long because he does not carry around within him an obedient heart. He will not be able to stand against the daily temptations he will face in this world gone sexually insane, and he will not say no to his quickly wandering desires.
This willingness of heart causes me to have a “what-has-God-commanded?” way of looking at my life. I don’t mean that I live a legalistic, rules-bound existence or that I live tentatively and fearfully. I am saying that I have a boundaries way of thinking about life. If God is in charge, and if he has decided what is morally right and wrong, and if he has clearly communicated that to me, then there are moral boundaries of heart and behavior inside of which I am called to live. Inside those boundaries is a life of beautiful freedom and happiness. Outside those boundaries are danger, destruction, and death.
Think of the word picture of boundaries. Pretend you are living in a yard that contains every good, true, and beautiful thing a human being could ever want, and around the yard is a twenty-foot-high chain-link fence. And consider further that outside, on the other side of the fence, is a world of real danger, full of things that will cause your death. If you accepted that what is inside the yard is really very good—things that give you life—and if you accepted that what is outside the fence is really very bad—things that lead to death—wouldn’t you be thankful for the fence? And wouldn’t you be willing to live inside the fence with contentment and joy?
But think with me: if you looked at that fence every day, thinking about how you could get through it or over it, if you touched it or shook it to test its strength, if you tried your best to look through it until you had fence marks on your face, wouldn’t you be doing all that because you believe that the good stuff may be on the other side of the fence? You see, you have much more than a behavior problem; you have a boundary problem. You don’t believe that the fence is there to ensure that you have what is good. No, you have come to believe that the fence is in the way of good, and the minute you allow yourself to believe that, you are on your way to finding a means of getting to the other side of the fence.
In my sexual life I am willing to submit to God’s commands because, deep within my heart, I really do think they are good. I really do believe that God’s laws give life and freedom; they don’t rob me of it. I really do believe that God is wise, good, and trustworthy. I really do think that it is best to live inside his boundaries. So I willingly, in my heart and with my hands, do what God has commanded me to do with my sexual self. I’m not staring at the fence wondering if the good sexual stuff lives out there. I am not haunted by thoughts of what I am missing. I am not unhealthily curious about the lives and sexual exploits of people on the other side of the fence. And I don’t feel disadvantaged because I’ve been chosen to live inside the fence. Rather, I turn my back to the fence and joyfully celebrate all the rich and good things I’ve been given that I would never have had the sense to choose for myself. I wake up each morning feeling not restricted but blessed, and I surely don’t equate freedom with having my own way. I know I need fences in every area of my life, including sex, and I know that without God’s boundaries I would wander into dangers that would be my doom. God’s boundaries do not inhibit a joyful sexual life; they are the only context in which it can be fully experienced.
Now, back to our definition. The qualifiers in the definition are important: “without challenge.” If in my heart I am yelling at God because he won’t allow me to do what I want to do, if I am questioning whether he is good and kind, if I am mad because I can’t do what others seem free to do, I do not have an obedient heart. The heart of an obedient person does what is right but doesn’t kick and scream all the way. Obedient people are not angry at God as they are obeying. You’re not actually submissive to God in your sexual life if you’re mad at him for what he has told you not to do. You’re not obedient to God in sex if you’re questioning God’s character and wisdom. You don’t have an obedient heart in your sex life if you often wish that the world was ruled by someone else who would give you more freedom. Sexual purity begins with resting assured that what God commands is kind, wise, and good; no need for challenge.
The second qualifier is equally important: “without . . . excuse.” An obedient person doesn’t excuse his sexual sin; he mourns it. We are never more creative than when manufacturing “logical” reasons for stepping beyond God’s loving, protective, and clear boundaries. We don’t want to face the fact that at some point we are all fools and rebels. We want to think of ourselves as wise, reasonable, and moral. So we work to convince ourselves, others, and maybe even God that what we have done is not so bad after all, because look at what we were dealing with or facing. We may even try to convince ourselves that there was no other way, that what looked foolish was really smart, or that it’s not so bad just this once. If you can convince yourself that it’s right, even good, to live on the other side of God’s boundaries, you’re heading for sexual insanity of some kind. You will hop God’s fences and do with your body and the body of another what you should not do, all the while convincing yourself that it is okay.
The third qualifier is even more deceptive: “without . . . delay.” The obedient heart is quickly willing. If you are willingly submitting to God, you do it right away and without delay. You don’t say, “I’ll start obeying God in my sex life tomorrow.” Delay is just one of many ways we seek to retain our autonomy and self-sovereignty. Here’s how delay operates:
You’re flirting with a woman at work, and it has become a bit sexual. You know you shouldn’t be doing it, but you sit down with her again in the lunchroom and tell yourself that you’ll cut it off tomorrow.
Your heart is pounding as you’re surfing toward that porn site, hoping your wife doesn’t wake up. You know you have no business being there, but to ease your guilt you tell yourself this is the last time.
You’re seventeen, and you’re in the local park at night with your girlfriend. You’ve got your hand inside her bra. Your hand is shaking with a combination of excitement and fear. You know that what you’re doing is wrong for you and for her, but you couldn’t resist one more time. You tell yourself you’ll break it off with her in the next few days.
You’re living with a woman who is not your wife, and you’ve recently committed yourself to Christ. You know you should not be sleeping with your girlfriend, but you tell yourself it will be such a hassle to separate and find separate apartments. You’ll deal with it, but you can’t handle it right now.
You know you’ve gotten hooked on a television series you have no business watching. It leaves you thinking in impure ways, but you tell yourself that you’ll finish out the season and not watch the new season in the fall.
Delay is disobedience in a tuxedo. Delay gives you room to rebel against the authority of God while telling yourself that you have every intention to obey, and in so doing you’ve eased your conscience when it actually needs to be troubled. Your sex life is always a window on how your heart is responding to the inescapable authority of God.
It’s important to understand that, like obedience, disobedience is not just a set of behaviors; it’s first a condition of the heart. So it’s important to understand the psychology or posture of the heart behind obedience.
Part of the psychology of disobedience is to somehow, someway, convince yourself that you’re smarter than God. Your rules are better or more practical than his rules. Your desires are more legitimate than those he desires for you. What you’ve planned for yourself is better than what he has willed for you. Maybe it’s just telling yourself that the sexual boundary you’re stepping over isn’t such a big deal just this once. Or it doesn’t make sense that you can’t sleep with someone you love even if you aren’t married. Or you reason that culture has evolved, that we know things we didn’t know when the Bible was written; it doesn’t make any sense to be controlled by outdated, culturally bound rules. Disobedience always involves placing more reliability and value on your wisdom than on God’s. You make a choice to do what makes sense or appears attractive, regardless of what God has said on the topic. Your position, when it comes to the wisdom of God, is not one of submission; it is one of critique. Whether or not you know it, you’re standing above God, willing to reject what comes from him, what makes no sense to you.
Disobedience not only claims greater wisdom; it claims ownership. You find doing what you want to do comfortable because you view your life as belonging to you. If your life belongs to you, then you are entitled to do with it what you want. Disobedience always has an ownership posture. It claims rights that no human being has. As we laid out in a previous chapter, God owns you and everything about you. Any posture of ownership is a delusion that will only expose you to danger. You don’t have a right to your own body, because your body doesn’t belong to you. Disobedience also requires your willingness to reject the moral law of God and write your own moral code. It gives you the authority to determine what is right and wrong, good or bad, true or false. But this is an authority that only God has. One of the sweetest graces in the Old Testament is when God, who knows everything from origin to destiny, tells his newly redeemed people how he’s created them to live. He did not design them to be morally self-guiding; he lovingly gives them the moral guidance they desperately need. You are always submitting to God’s law, or you’re writing your own laws.
Finally, disobedience involves easing your conscience by arguing all the time for the logic of what you’re doing. You are able to be comfortable with stepping over God’s boundaries because you are a very committed and skilled self-swindler. We all do it. We tell ourselves that we’re the good guys, that what we’re doing isn’t really that bad, and that our little sins aren’t technically sins at all. Self-swindling works to quiet your internal restraint system that tells you to say no when you want to say yes. Self-swindling works to dull the pain of a conscience that is under the conviction of the Holy Spirit. Self-swindling is selling to yourself that you can be disobedient and still retain your allegiance to God.
I remember being a bit stunned in a moment of counseling when an unfaithful and adulterous man said to me, “You would understand what I did [speaking of his sexual relationship with another woman] if you lived with my wife.” It was the old “my wife made me do it” argument. He was saying in desperation that he’d been driven to this act by the horrible woman he was forced to live with. This is what self-swindling does. It rejects personal responsibility and all the moral choices of the heart that always lie behind doing what is wrong in the eyes of God, and it works to make us feel good about what God clearly says is not good.
Jesus Wants Your Body
Sex is never just about physical pleasure. Sex is never just about horizontal relationships. Sex is always about obedience. Your sex life is shaped either by a willing submission to the authority of God or by you taking authority over your life and body as if it belongs to you. There is no escape.
This issue of obedience extends to the most intimate uses of your body. It is here that Romans 12:1 is very helpful: “I appeal to you therefore brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.” It could not be stated more clearly and eloquently. This passage connects your body to worship and obedience. Worship of God means you willingly give your body to him. You forever forsake ownership of your body and what you do with it. You view your body as belonging to God—his for the using. And you commit yourself to an obedient use of your body, that is, to doing with your body only what is holy and acceptable in his sight, no matter what your passions, thoughts, or desires tell you. Sexual purity is found in the intentional sacrifice of your body to God—no longer your desire and your way, but according to his will and for his glory.
And it’s important to understand that the directive in Romans 12:1 is not God’s way of robbing you of life simply because he is in charge and has the power. Paul puts all this in the context of God’s mercy. This is grace. In calling us to make this intentional bodily sacrifice, God is rescuing us from us and protecting us from the dangers of a world gone mad. And all this reminds us that we need God’s law, but we must understand its limits. God’s law is effective in exposing our moral neediness; it works to give us moral tracks to run on, but it cannot transform us. The law has no ability to make our hearts willing and pure. If it could, the Redeemer, Christ Jesus, wouldn’t have had to come to live and die and rise again in our place.
So sexual purity doesn’t begin with a commitment to keep God’s law; it begins with a confession that you don’t want to and you can’t. It requires the confession of the selfishness and rebellion of your heart. It owns that you often find impurity more attractive than purity. You see, if sexual impurity was just a matter of a wrong set of behaviors, then the move toward purity would be just a matter of replacing old behaviors with new and better ones. If sexual impurity were just a matter of the lust of the heart, then that would be the thing you would need to address. But the reality is that sexual impurity is rooted in things that are vastly deeper than wrong thoughts and wrong actions. Sexual impurity grows in the soil of the scary condition of the sinful heart. I struggle with sexual impurity in the same way I struggle with materialism or gluttony, because I struggle with something deeper. What is this deeper thing? I struggle with self-worship and self-rule. In my heart there are still ways in which I want to be at the center of my world, where what I want, feel, or think I need is more important to me than God’s will or the real needs of those around me. There are ways in which I am so busy loving and worshiping me that I have little time or energy left to love God or others.
I grapple every day with self-worship, and because I do, I want to be sovereign over my own life. I want to rule my life and set up my own rules. I want to have what seems best to me, and I don’t want God or others to get in the way. I cannot escape how sex exposes both of these things in my heart. My sex life is always shaped by who I worship and by whose rules I submit to.
So when I face the deeper struggle of sexual purity, I am not helped just by getting a greater understanding of my sexual self, a clearer awareness of where I am susceptible to temptation, or a better system of accountability. Those things are helpful, but they easily become a way of asking the law to do what only grace can accomplish. My struggle with sexual purity reveals the degree to which I still need a fundamental renewal or transformation of my heart. It is only when I worship God above everything else, love my neighbor as myself, and willingly submit to God’s authority that I will be pure. In the most basic sense, when it comes to the sexual purity battle, I have met the enemy, and it is me. I am the greatest sexual danger to me. I am my greatest source of temptation. I am the source of my struggle. The self-worship and self-sovereignty that still live in my heart cause me to be attracted and susceptible to the sexual temptations everywhere around me in this world that has gone sexually insane.
So does this leave me hopeless? No! God, who knows how deep my struggle is, has gifted me with the lavish provisions of his powerful rescuing and transforming grace.
Where does purity start? It starts by confessing your profound need and that you are unable to change what needs to be changed. Sexual purity doesn’t begin with setting up a regimen for behavioral change. It begins with mourning the condition of your heart, and when you do, you can rest assured that you will be greeted with powerful grace because your Savior has promised that he will never turn his back when you come to him with a broken and contrite heart.
Without this deeper heart confession, behavioral reformation and community accountability won’t ultimately free you.
Review and Reflect
1. Why do human beings struggle to submit to God’s authority? How does self-sufficiency factor into our struggle with authority?
2. Chapter 9 contains a definition for obedience: “Obedience is the willing submission of my heart to God that causes me to do what God has commanded without challenge, excuse, or delay” (p. 136). As you consider your sex life in light of this definition, where do you see misalignment? Identify specific thoughts, words, or deeds.
3. Describe the ways in which a submissive heart nourishes the ability to live within biblical boundaries.
4. Explain how the “psychology of disobedience” works (p. 141). Where have you seen this play out in your own life and choices? Take into account what you identified in question 2 above.
5. Paul Tripp writes, “An obedient person doesn’t excuse his sexual sin; he mourns it” (p. 139). How does Psalm 32 reveal the constructive way to deal with sin? Name specific steps shown in the psalm.
Heart Reset
Romans 12:1–2