2. An Agnostic
Chapter 2
An Agnostic
It was 1915, and fourteen-year-old Isobel Miller stood on the dock, her long brown hair streaming in the wind. It was a typical summer’s day in Vancouver, British Columbia, and she was glad that she had brought a light jacket. She was at the dock to say farewell to two missionaries, Dr. and Mrs. Isaac Page, who were returning across the vast Pacific Ocean to continue their work in China.
The Pages were by no means the only missionaries that Isobel had waved good-bye to in the three years she had lived on the west coast of Canada. Her father, Samuel Miller, was involved in lay preaching, and her mother, Alice, was the president of the Women’s Missionary Society of the Presbyterian Church in Canada. As a result, missionaries often stayed in the Miller house, either coming from or going to the mission field.
It had once seemed exciting and dramatic to listen to the stories the missionaries told and to touch the woven baskets and headscarves they presented to her mother as thank-you gifts. But now Belle found it all a little tiresome. She wondered what really motivated people to give up their home and so much more and venture across the world to a life of hardship, danger, deprivation, and sometimes even death.
Finally the deep groan of the ship’s horn, the sign for the remaining passengers to get on board for departure, broke into Belle’s thoughts. Then she felt Dr. Page’s hand pat her shoulder. “Isobel,” he said, beaming down at her, “I am going to pray that God will send you to China as a missionary.”
Belle’s heart dropped as she concealed her surprise. You mean thing! I have no intention of going anywhere as a missionary, she wanted to reply, but she kept her thoughts to herself. Belle found it was easier that way. Her whole family was much too religious for her liking. Her grandfather Miller had been a Presbyterian minister and opened a home for seamen’s widows and orphans in England before immigrating with his young family to Eastern Canada. Her parents were always doing something with the Presbyterian Church or some other group of do-gooders. Until recently both Belle and her older brother Murray had to accompany their parents to the rescue mission hall in the slums of Vancouver, where their father would preach to the tenants and their mother would play the piano while Belle and Murray sang gospel songs.
The family outreaches had stopped now that Murray, three years older than Belle, was preparing to ship out with the Canadian Expeditionary Force to fight alongside British and French soldiers against the Germans in the Great War in Europe. Alice Miller had now turned her attention to making Belle a “socially fit” young woman. It had surprised Belle when her mother signed her up for speech classes and dancing lessons, but Belle didn’t complain. They were much more fun than singing gospel songs at the rescue mission, and for whatever reason, her mother thought that it was the next step for Belle.
At home, later that night, Belle tried to pray. She had been used to praying most nights before she went to bed, but this night no prayer came to her mind. She thought of Dr. and Mrs. Page on the ship. They were both probably thoroughly seasick by now, and she wondered why they made so much effort to go overseas as missionaries. What difference did it really make whether a bunch of Chinese peasants in some unpronounceable village heard about Jesus? This was a question that Belle did not think about much after that. Life for her was simply too busy with other things. Her brother Murray finally left to fight on the battlefront in France.
Belle could tell that it nearly broke her mother’s heart to say good-bye to Murray. After Murray had left, her father told Belle something she had not known before. Before her parents married, Belle’s mother had been a promising student at the Toronto Conservatory of Music. She was also very sensitive. Within a one-year period her father’s business had collapsed and then her father had died suddenly. Another tragedy hit after that; her brother Fred died of tuberculosis. Combined, the two deaths had caused Belle’s mother to suffer a nervous breakdown, from which she was still recovering when she married Belle’s father.
“We must be careful not to overburden your mother at the moment,” Belle’s father concluded earnestly. “If anything happens to Murray, I don’t know what she’ll do. She’s put every ounce of her efforts into raising you two children.”
Belle smiled weakly. As the only child at home, she had the double burden of trying to be perfect and of distracting her mother from her brother’s absence.
The weeks and months passed, with occasional letters arriving from Murray, who was fighting in France. Each letter talked about the mud the soldiers had to trudge around in, or the shortage of meat or coffee for them to eat and drink. Even though the letters were not cheerful, each one brought relief to the Miller family, as they knew that Murray was still alive.
While her brother was away fighting, Belle threw herself into her schoolwork. She was an exceptionally well-rounded student who excelled in just about everything she did. She played the piano and guitar. She expertly sewed many of her own dresses. She was the best dancer in her dance class, she won the speech prize at school, and then, astonishingly, she won first place for academic achievement in the whole province of British Columbia. For that honor she received a special medal from the governor general of Canada.
Belle could tell that her parents were very proud of her various honors, and her mother began to talk about Belle “marrying well.” Although she went along with such talk, Belle did not let her parents in on her own plans for the future, but she did have set ideas. She planned to attend the University of British Columbia and then go on to become a university professor. There was one subject that she loved more than any other—English—and she knew that she would spend her life happily studying and teaching English literature to students.
Throughout her remaining years of high school, Belle secretly pursued her goal of attending the University of British Columbia. Sure enough, she graduated easily and then prepared for the transition to being a university student.
While putting away her high school memorabilia in preparation for college, Belle came across an autograph book she had forgotten about. She flipped though the pages of the book until she came to her grandmother’s distinctive cursive writing.
A noble life is not a blaze
Of sudden glory won.
But just an adding up of days
In which good work is done.
Belle shrugged her shoulders as she read the words. She still missed her grandmother, who lived back in Toronto where Belle had been born, but she felt that her grandmother was one hundred percent wrong about the quote. She could think of nothing more dull than adding up days of good work. Absolutely not! She was off to university, and she promised herself that she was going to have a blazing amount of fun while she was there.
From the first day she set foot in the institution, seventeen-year-old Belle loved the hustle and bustle of campus life at the University of British Columbia. The university was located within tram distance of the Miller house, and Belle was able to attend while still living at home. On her first day of college, Belle held her head high, determined that she was going to squeeze every ounce of enjoyment out of the four years of study for her degree. It was August 1918. The Great War was winding down, Murray was on his way back home to Canada, and everyone, it seemed, was in a good mood.
During her first week at the University of British Columbia, Belle made a decision that would affect her time at the university. Dr. Sedgewick, head of the English department, was lecturing the roughly one hundred students in his freshman English literature course. In the course of the lecture he offhandedly remarked, “Of course, no one in this enlightened age believes anymore in the myths of Genesis…” Dr. Sedgewick paused for a moment as Belle listened closely. “Maybe I had better test that out before being so dogmatic,” he added. And then he asked matter-of-factly, “Is there anyone here who believes that there is a heaven and a hell? Or who believes that the story of Genesis is true? Please raise your hand.”
Belle immediately raised her hand and looked around to see who else in the class believed as she did. Seeing that only one other person had raised a hand, she was overcome with embarrassment. And more so when Dr. Sedgewick retorted, “Oh, you just believe that because your mama and papa told you so.” With that he proceeded with his lecture.
As Belle walked home that night, she thought about what had transpired in Dr. Sedgewick’s English literature class earlier in the day. Was she wrong and the professor right? Why did she believe the Bible? Why did she believe in heaven and hell? And was the Genesis account of creation really true?
As she pondered these questions, Belle came to the conclusion that maybe Dr. Sedgewick was right. From her earliest memory she had been taught to believe these things by her parents. But was simply believing something because your parents told you so a good enough basis on which to build your life in the modern world? Of course, she had seen many startling answers to prayer in her family. But did such answers really prove that God existed? After all, she had learned in her psychology class that the mind could exert a powerful effect on matter. Was what she thought were the answers to prayers just coincidences? Or maybe those who had prayed had inadvertently answered their own prayers.
Belle’s mind was abuzz with thoughts as she sifted through her questions and their possible answers. Before she reached home that night, she made a decision that from now on she was going to be an agnostic. She chose this position rather than atheism because she was not fully convinced that God didn’t exist. Maybe, she decided, He was out there but just not interested in what happened to mankind.
Since she was now an agnostic, Belle could find no good reason to continue attending church with her parents on Sundays or reading her Bible each morning. With no church on Sunday, she would be able to stay out later on Saturday nights dancing and use her Bible-reading time for study. Belle could see that her parents were not happy about her decision to stop attending church, but neither did they try to force her to go with them each Sunday.
Her first year at the University of British Columbia was everything that Belle had hoped for. She found it easy to keep up her grades and still have time to go to parties and participate in the college drama group. In fact, Belle made so many new friends during her first year at college that in her second year she was elected secretary of the student council, a feat previously unheard of for a sophomore.
Better yet, during her second year at the university Belle fell in love. The object of her affection was a returned soldier from the Great War named Ben. Ben was everything Belle (and her mother) hoped for. He was tall and athletic, a star player on the varsity rugby and basketball teams. He was also charismatic and charming, and although a Baptist, he didn’t take it all too seriously. He liked to dance and have a good time.
For the next two years, as they continued their university studies, Belle and Ben were inseparable. They became unofficially engaged, and Belle’s parents welcomed Ben into the family. And then Belle was struck a bitter blow.
One day during her final year at the University of British Columbia, Belle was walking toward the library with her friend Cora. “I think someone has to tell you this, even though it will hurt. I’m sorry I have to be the one to do it,” Cora said as they walked.
Belle stopped in her tracks and waited for what her friend had to say. What could possibly be that bad?
Cora continued. “Remember when you were sick and Ben asked if he could take Reba to the fraternity ball?”
Belle nodded.
“I hate to say this, but that wasn’t the end of it. Lots of people have seen Ben and Reba around together since then.”
Lots of people except me, Belle thought to herself and then mumbled something like a thank-you to Cora before walking off alone.
A jumble of thoughts flooded Belle’s mind as she walked by herself. Surely Ben would not be seeing another woman behind her back, and certainly not someone on campus. How was that possible? They were supposed to be getting married in a year. Belle couldn’t believe it, but then she couldn’t think of any reason why Cora would lie to her. She decided to confront Ben directly and see whether there was some kind of misunderstanding.
The following day Belle caught up with Ben outside the entrance to the university. She walked up to him and said abruptly, “Someone told me that she’s seen you out with Reba a lot lately. Is that true?”
Ben looked startled. His lips curled into a smile, and his voice became soothing. “Why Isobel, you’re such a softy! You don’t supposed that after we’re married I’m not going to take out another woman if I want to.”
Belle felt her heart skip a beat at Ben’s reply. Then in a trembling voice she said, “Then we part. Good-bye, Ben.”
Belle tried hard to meter her steps and move at a steady pace as she walked away, at least until she was out of sight of Ben. Then she stopped and burst into tears. As waves of humiliation rolled over her, she pondered what she was going to do now. Did everyone on campus except her know that her boyfriend was a womanizer? All of her dreams, all of her hopes, were tied up in marrying Ben, and now they were shattered. Marrying Ben was out of the question.