Wesley Meets a Moravian Leader
WESLEY MEETS A MORAVIAN LEADER — 23
leave the city in forty-eight hours. I did so, and retired to Hernhuth to Count Zinzendorf.
"The village of Hernhuth contains about a thousand souls gathered out of many nations. They hold fast the discipline, as well as the faith and practice, of the apostolic church. Last year the brethren there wanted me to conduct sixteen of them to Georgia, where two lots of ground are assigned us; and with them IJ have stayed ever since."
I asked where he was to go next. He said, "I have thoughts of going to Pennsylvania. But what
God will do with me I do not know. I am blind. I am a child. My Father knows, and I am ready to go wherever he calls."
"wbo sbaLL
CONVERT WE?"
Journal, January 1738 Wesley returned to England feeling himself a thorough failure. He had converted no Native Americans and had been involved in a disastrous romance that led to a lawsuit that drove Wesley from Georgia. As his ship neared England he was certainly at a low point in his life.
On Monday, [January] 9, and the following days, I reflected much on that vain desire, which had pursued me for so many years, of being in solitude, in order to be a Christian. I have now, thought I, solitude enough. But am I, therefore, the nearer being a Christian? Not if Jesus Christ be the model of Christianity. I suspect, indeed, I am much nearer that mystery of Satan, which some writers affect to call by that name. So near that I had probably sunk wholly into it, had not the great mercy of God just now thrown me upon reading Saint Cyprian's works.
Fri. 13.—We had a violent storm, which obliged us to shut all the hatches; the sea was breaking over the ship continually. I was at first afraid, but cried to God and was strengthened. Before ten I lay down, I bless God, without fear. About midnight we were awakened by a confused noise of seas and wind and men's voices, the like to which I had never heard before. I can compare the sound of the sea breaking over and against the sides of the ship to nothing but
"WHO SHALL CONVERT ME?" ~ 25
large cannon or American thunder. The rebounding, starting, quivering motion of the ship much resembled what is said of earthquakes. The captain was upon deck in an instant. But his men could not hear what he said. It blew a true hurricane, which beginning at southwest, then went west, northwest, north, and in a quarter of an hour, round by the east to the southwest point again. At the same time, because the sea was running (as they term it) mountain-high, and that from many different points at once, the ship would not obey the helm; nor indeed could the steersman, through the violent rain, see the compass.
So he was forced to let her run before the wind, and in half an hour the stress of the storm was over.
About noon the next day it ceased. But first I had resolved, God being my helper, not only to preach it to all, but to apply the word of God to every single soul in the ship. If but one, yea, if not one of them will hear, I know my labor is not in vain.
I no sooner executed this resolution than my spirit revived. So that from this day I had no more of that fearfulness and heaviness that before almost continually weighed me down. I am sensible that one who sees being "in hell" as an indispensable preparative for being a Christian would say, I had better have continued in that state; and that this unseasonable relief was a curse, not a blessing. But who are you, O man, who, in favor of a wretched hypothesis, thus blaspheme the good gift of God? Has not God himself said, "Zo find enjoyment in their toil—this is the gift of God"? Yea, God sets his own seal to their weak
26 — A LONGING FOR HOLINESS
endeavors, while he thus keeps them occupied with the joy of their hearts.
Tues. 24.—We spoke with two ships, outwardbound, from whom we had the welcome news of our being but one hundred and sixty leagues from Land's end. My mind was now full of thought; part of which I wrote down as follows:
"IT went to America, to convert the Indians. But oh! who shall convert me? Who, what is he that will deliver me from this evil heart of unbelief? I have a fair summer religion. I can talk well; nay, and believe myself while no danger is near: But let death look me in the face and my spirit is troubled. Nor can I say,
'To die is gain!'"
I have a sin of fear, that when I've spun My last thread, I shall perish on the shore.
"T think, truly, if the gospel be true, I am safe; for I not only have given, and do give, all my goods to feed the poor; I not only give my body to be burned, drowned, or whatever God shall appoint for me; but I follow after charity—though not as I ought, yet as I can—if haply I may attain it. I now believe the gospel is true. J show my faith by my works, by staking my all upon it. I would do so again and again a thousand times, if the choice were still to make.
Whoever sees me sees I would be Christian. Therefore are my ways not like other men's ways. Therefore I have been, I am, I am content to be, a by-word and a proverb of reproach. But in a storm I think, 'What if the gospel be not true? Then you are of all people
"WHO SHALL CONVERT ME?" — 27
most foolish. For what have you given your goods, your ease, your friends, your reputation, your country, your life? For what are you wandering over the face of the earth? A dream, a cleverly devised myth.'
Oh! Who will rescue me from this fear of death? What shall I do? Where shall I fly from it? Should I fight against it by thinking, or by not thinking of it? A wise man advised me some time since, 'Be still, and go on.' Perhaps this is best, to look upon it as my cross; when it comes, to let it humble me and quicken all my good resolutions, especially that of praying without ceasing; and at other times, to take no thought about it, but quietly to go on in the work of the Lord."
"\bat bave 1 LEARNEO
OF MYSELF?"
Journal, February 1738 After his ship landed, Wesley summarized his trip and what he had learned.
It is now two years and almost four months since I left my native country, in order to teach the Georgian Indians the nature of Christianity. But what have I learned myself in the meantime? Why, (what I the least of all suspected) that I who went to America to convert others was never myself converted to God. [am not out of my mind, though I thus speak, but I speak the sober truth. Perhaps some of those who still dream may awake, and see that as I am, so are they.
Are they read in philosophy? So was I. In ancient or modern tongues? So was I also. Are they versed in the science of divinity? I too have studied it many years. Can they talk fluently about spiritual things? The very same could I do. Are they plenteous in alms? Behold, I gave all my goods to feed the poor.
Do they give of their labor as well as of their substance? I have labored more abundantly than they all. Are they willing to suffer for their brethren? I have thrown up my friends, reputation, ease, country; I have put my life in my hand, wandering into strange lands; I have given my body to be devoured by the deep, parched up with heat, consumed by toil and weariness, or whatsoever God should please to