work and at home?
strong, solid testimony that will show to the world and to people around us that they need the Lord Jesus as their Saviour.
Many times I have heard a new believer testify that what made him come to know Christ is that he saw something wonderfully different in the life of a Christian friend he knew. This Christian's life was full of goodness and righteousness. He was always honest and sincere. And the light that shone in this Christian's life was the light that guided him to find salvation in Christ, the true Light of the World.
We should perhaps ask ourselves whether our own lives are like that. Can people see the light shining in your life? Has someone ever told you that what brought him to Christ was the light that shone in your life? If we truly have been saved and love the Lord, let us strive to live as children of light.
Discussion Questions
1. Have you faced any situation where you had to make a decision to follow Christian standards of conduct rather than the world's standards of conduct?
2. Read Ephesians 5:4 — What limits should Christians have for their jokes and humor?
3. Ephesians 4:31 says that we should not speak evil about others. What guidelines should we observe in order that we will not be guilty of gossiping when we share about someone's needs and problems with others to be prayed for?
4. What attitude should a Christian have toward responsibilities at work and at home?
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How to Handle our Relationships
with the Non-Christian World
(Matthew 10:34-37)
When we speak about relationships, the most important relationship is that of marriage. The reason this is such an important relationship is that it is the only human relationship we have that must cause necessary changes in many other relationships. When a man gets married, he commits himself fully and only to his wife. This instantly causes a change in his relationships with his parents — he is no longer dependent on them, and with his friends — he is no longer single and free to be very close to them, and most especially with female friends — he cannot pursue an intimate relationship with any female friend other than his wife. He can no longer relate to them the same way that he did before, because he is now a married man. The marriage relationship also creates many new relationships for him. All of a sudden, he now has parents-in-law, brothers and sisters-in-law, new uncles, aunts, nieces and nephews, all from his wife's family. The same thing also happens for the wife. Her relationships with others also change as a result of the marriage.
And this is the point that I am making: this is why, when we become Christians, all our relationships with everyone around us are drastically affected. When we turned to Christ for salvation, we entered into a permanent and unbreakable covenant relationship with Him. We took Him to be our God. And He took us to be His people. And this binds us now to God in a relationship which is very much like a marriage relationship, but one that is much closer and much more important than marriage. We are now "married to God" in a
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sense. And He is a Holy and Righteous God, who will not tolerate any sin. And this relationship which we have with God must bring about some fundamental changes in the way we relate to others, and especially in the way we relate to non-Christians around us.
I think I might not be wrong to assume that most of us are first generation Christians. Most of us probably came from non-Christian family backgrounds. Before we came to know the Lord, we probably did not face much conflict in our relationships with our parents, brothers and sisters. And we were free to make friends with anyone we liked. Nothing at all restricted us from developing any friendships and relationships with others except of course, for our own personal likes and dislikes.
But after we became Christians, our relationships changed. Our new-found relationship with God caused these changes and we found ourselves no longer able to enjoy the same level of intimacy that we used to have with those who are still outside Christ. Conflicts suddenly arise where there were no conflicts before. Some of us had greater conflicts than others. I have heard one brother testify that when he told his widowed mother that he had become a Christian, she instantly chased him out of the house and would not let him in for a few days. Other brethren may have received just a reprimand or the cold shoulder for a while. Thus far I have never heard anyone testify that their non-Christian loved ones were overjoyed or thrilled to hear that they had become Christians!
According to the passage we read awhile ago from Matthew 10:34-37, the gospel is like a sword that divides families, setting a person's own loved ones against him or her. And when such deep conflict arises, our love for Christ must remain strong and steadfast, although we may feel a great sense of sadness over the changes that has taken place.
And our close friendships with non-Christians may also undergo the same kind of change. We may still enjoy each other's company and conversation for a time, but as we grow in our love for Christ,
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while most of our non-Christian friends remain unreceptive to the gospel, a painful parting of ways inevitably comes.
Usually, however, the pain of losing close friends is compensated by the joy of making new friends with like-minded Christians in church, or in fellowship groups. We develop new relationships that are closer and more meaningful to us than the ones we used to have, because there is now an added dimension in the relationship: a spiritual dimension that we did not have in our earlier relationships.
But our relationships with the non-Christian world are not over yet, because our daily interaction with people in the course of our work or studies still brings us into contact with them.
And God never intended us to isolate ourselves completely from society. In fact the Lord wants us to still be in the world, and to be the salt of the earth and the light of the world (Matthew 5:13, 14). For oftentimes it is only through the relationships that non-Christians have with us that they will be able to learn about Christ and be saved.
But while God wants us to be in the world, He also wants us to be careful not to be of the world (John 17:15, 16). And what this means ultimately is that we must strike a careful balance in our relationships with non-Christians. On one hand we must be close enough to them to influence them with our Christian lives, but on the other hand we must not be so close to them as to be influenced by their non-Christian lives. Striking this balance is not an easy thing to do. And we need to study what God's Word says about these relationships by looking at three important guidelines that we should follow closely in our relationships with non-Christians.
Strive to bring them to a saving knowledge of Christ
We see this in Philippians 2:15, 16: "That ye may be blameless and harmless, the sons of God, without rebuke, in the midst of a crooked and perverse nation, among whom ye shine as lights in the world; Holding forth the word of life; that I may rejoice in the day of Christ." In 1 Peter 3:1-2, the wives of non-Christians are told to win
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their husbands to Christ by godly submission and conduct, "Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear."
Both of these verses emphasise the important role that our conduct plays in winning our non-Christian friends and loved ones to Christ. Non-Christians should find in Christians, people who are most generous, reliable and trustworthy, honest and sincere, gentle and kind, helpful, patient and forgiving to them. Look at Galatians 6:10, "As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith." In Matthew 5:44, Jesus says that even if non-Christians hate us, curse us and abuse us, we should still bless them, do good to them and pray for them.
The Apostle Paul was persecuted many times by his own countrymen, the Jews, who were non-Christians. And yet he earnestly prayed for their salvation. This is what he said, " Brethren, my heart's desire and prayer to God for Israel is, that they might be saved." (Romans 10:1)
Is it your heart's desire and prayer to God that your own loved ones who are still outside Christ, may be saved? If it is, you must do your best to let them see Christ in your life at home. If you have offended one of them in any way, be very quick to apologise and make amends. And if a loved one has offended you in any way, be more than willing to forgive him. Do not let any grievance or grudges remain between you and your loved ones. Some of us may have unpleasant memories of the past when we were not treated fairly by our loved ones or were given much unfair punishment by our own parents. Do not hold this against them. Learn to forgive them and forget the past. And we are able to do this through Christ who now lives in us.
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And always be ready to demonstrate love, care and concern for them. For example, remembering the birthdays, wedding anniversaries, of our parents, brothers and sisters can help tremendously. Visiting them and offering our help when they shift house, or when a new baby comes, or when someone is hospitalised, is also useful. And try your best to be available to encourage them when they are going through a difficult trial or problem in life. Very often it is through times when our family members and friends are going through trials and periods of suffering, like sudden illness, grief and loss, that we have perfect opportunities to share the gospel of Christ with them and get a favourable response.
And when you have the opportunity to share Christ with a nonChristian friend or loved one, remember that manner in which you share Christ with them is as important as the message. Your speech should always be gentle and gracious, and yet also persuasive and penetrating. We see this in Colossians 4:5, 6 — "Walk in wisdom toward them that are without, redeeming the time (which means making the most of every opportunity we have). Let your speech be alway with grace (which means speaking graciously and pleasantly), seasoned with salt (which means that whatever we say is to be pure and penetrating), that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man."
Try not to condemn their gods or religion directly or make fun of their beliefs. They might take this as a personal insult to them and will not listen to you after that. There are gentler and more effective ways to help them understand the truth, like talking about the peace and blessings you have found in trusting in Jesus alone. So do your best to bring the non-Christians in your life to Christ. That is our first guideline. Let us now go on to look at the second guideline we must follow in our relationships with non-Christians:
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Guard yourself from being influenced by them
to compromise your loyalty of God
This principle can be seen clearly in Deuteronomy 13:6-10, "If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers; Namely, of the gods of the people which are round about you, nigh unto thee, or far off from thee, from the one end of the earth even unto the other end of the earth; Thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him: But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people."
Now of course this does not mean that we must put to death anyone who leads us away from the Lord today. Remember that this command was given in the context of Israel, which was a theocracy, ruled by God Himself. The church and state were not separate but were one and the same. Spiritual apostasy was therefore regarded as a criminal offence, equivalent to treason, which deserved a death sentence.
We are no longer under a theocracy today, so this punishment does not apply any more. But the principle behind it all is still very applicable to us. We must not allow anyone to compromise our relationship with God, even if they are people who are very close to us. The Bible shows us the disastrous results of violating this principle in the life of Solomon: King Solomon with all of his great God-given wisdom could not resist the strong influence of the 700 wives and 300 concubines he married. Most of them were actually gifts to him from neighbouring nations that wanted his favour. But these women brought their pagan idol worship right into Jerusalem and gradually they led Solomon into idolatry. First Kings 11:4-6 relates the sad account of Solomon's spiritual decline: "For it came to pass, when Solomon was old, that his wives turned away his heart
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after other gods: and his heart was not perfect with the LORD his God, as was the heart of David his father. For Solomon went after Ashtoreth the goddess of the Zidonians, and after Milcom the abomination of the Ammonites. And Solomon did evil in the sight of the LORD, and went not fully after the LORD, as did David his father."
This was one of the saddest turning points in OT history, because it brought the whole nation of Israel from the great heights of its golden age of spiritual and material prosperity all the way down into the depths of sinful darkness and destruction. Let this example of Solomon be a grim reminder to us of the dangers of allowing ourselves to be influenced to compromise our commitment and loyalty to God through our relationships with non-Christians.
There are some who have the mistaken idea that in order to win non-Christians to Christ, they must identify with them and come down to their level, even to the point of adopting the same kind of appearance, language and worldly lifestyle that they have. They think that this was what the Apostle Paul meant when he said "I am made all things to all men, that I might by all means save some." (1 Corinthians 9:22) So, to reach out to those who frequent discos and other nite spots, they actually join in with them, going to these places and doing whatever their non-Christian friends do, hoping that this would give them the opportunity to communicate the gospel to them. But what usually happens is the very opposite. The non-Christian asks them, "How is it that you as a Christian can indulge in all these things with us?" This kind of evangelism is known as infiltration, and it does not work.
Remember this principle: you must never allow any friendship or relationship you have to compromise your loyalty and commitment to God. If you have a good relationship with a friend who is a nonChristian and it has been going on for some time and you find that all your efforts to influence him for Christ are not producing any results; and you find also that it is starting to have an adverse influence on
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you spiritually, then you should seriously consider ending the relationship.
When I was a teenager, I had a close friend in school whom I was very fond of, because we really had so much in common. We were always together, studying, eating and playing. We went through secondary school, pre-U and even NS together. But I was a Christian and he was not.
And though I had tried a number of times to share Christ with him, he refused to budge an inch from his Buddhist beliefs. When we became university students, I saw him less and less because we were in different campuses. And because I became more involved at that time in a Christian fellowship group and was growing spiritually, I did not have much time for him. I had to turn him down a number of times when he asked me to go for a concert or party. My friend was upset about this and he came and confronted me one evening with another friend. We had a very long heart to heart talk and it finally boiled down to this: he felt that my commitment to Christ was hindering our friendship and I felt that our friendship was endangering my commitment to Christ. And so with heavy hearts, we ended our friendship. It was a painful decision, but it was necessary.
But this raises the question: what if the relationship that is affecting my commitment to God is not just a friendship, but a family bond? What if my parents, brothers or sisters are the non-Christians who are influencing me against Christ? Then I cannot just leave and separate myself from their influence. Instead I have to resist it. There may be times when issues like ancestor worship, eating food that has been offered to idols, and Chinese funeral rites will come up. And because we love and respect our parents and do not want to upset them, it might be quite tempting to just do everything they want us to do. Then we must remember the important principle that no matter how much we want to please our loved ones, we cannot compromise our loyalty to God.
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There is one way that you can avoid unpleasant confrontations if you come from a non-Christian family: talk with them plainly about these issues long before any critical situations arise. For example, if a Chinese festival is coming, it is good to tell them a few weeks beforehand that you as a Christian cannot eat the food that will be offered to idols. They might not be happy to hear this, but at least this will give them time to get used to the idea, and you can avoid greater unhappiness.
Now, what if you are not an adult yet and your non-Christian parents do not allow you at all to come to church on Sundays? Please do not do what some have done: lie to their parents that they are going to the library or community centre when they are actually going to church or Bible Study. The end does not justify the means. Imagine how that will affect your testimony when they discover the truth.
If you are faced with this situation, what you should do is to obey them, pray that God would soften their hearts, and keep asking again and again to be allowed to go to church. In the meantime, you can still keep the Lord's Day holy as you worship the Lord at home, in your quiet time, and fellowship with Christian friends in school. Ask your Christian friends to pray for you. And if your parents can see that your life has changed for the better, that you have become more obedient and loving, that will help prepare them for the day that the Lord will move their hearts to give you permission. You can think of your situation like the Jews in captivity, who were not allowed by their Gentile lords to go back to Jerusalem, rebuild the temple and worship God there, until God moved the heart of the Gentile King Cyrus to give them permission. In the meantime, they continued to worship God in the land of their captivity in synagogues. The principle of submission to God-ordained parental authority applies here.
We now go on to look at the third and final guideline that you should follow for your relationships with non-Christians.
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Do not become unequally yoked with them
The Scriptures very clearly demarcate a line that we must never cross when we develop relationships with non-Christians. Once we cross that line, we become unequally yoked. This term is taken from 2 Corinthians 6:14, "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?"
We would be going against the Lord directly if we involve ourselves in relationships that compromise our holiness, and especially in relationships with members of the opposite sex. This must be a major concern for all who are not married yet. Let us face the facts — many if not most of you who are now unmarried, by sheer probability, will have settled down with a life partner in five or ten years' time. You may deny it now and say, "Oh no, not me – I am quite content to remain free and single," but after some years, for some uncanny reason, you meet someone whose personality and disposition somehow attracts you and affects your whole life, and you might just change your mind very quickly!
But this is where you have to proceed with the utmost care. I say this with great emphasis, because I have known so many fine Christian brothers and sisters who ended up marrying non-Christians, even though they knew full well exactly what the Bible says about unequally yoked partnerships.
The question is sometimes raised, "I know it is wrong to marry a non-Christian, but can I go out for a date with a non-Christian?" Please realise that this is a dangerous thing to do. A Christian friend I knew when I was a university student was very attracted to a tall and handsome classmate who was not a believer. One day, he asked her out for a date, and she found it hard to resist his request. In spite of her Christian convictions, she went out with him, reasoning to herself that she will use the opportunity to win him to Christ. This missionary dating did not lead him to Christ but instead it led them both deeper and deeper into a steady relationship.
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Her closest Christian friends observed this and they all counselled her about the dangers of the relationship, and then in desperation, she asked me to do an evangelistic Bible study with him. She prayed very hard that he would be converted. After about 8 weeks of in-depth personal Bible study, this tall guy told me that he now accepted Christ into his life. You can imagine how overjoyed my friend was when she heard the news. They started going to church together, reading the Bible and praying, but did they live happily ever after? — No they did not! As soon as their relationship became steady enough, he stopped going to church, stopped reading the Bible, stopped praying and professing to be a Christian. On looking back, I realise that his conversion was a false one, because what he wanted was her, not Christ. As she continued her relationship with him, her own spiritual life suffered severe backsliding, and the last that I heard is that she has not yet come back to the Lord.
The tragedy of this story is that it is not an isolated incident, but is repeated again and again as time after time single Christian men and women find themselves attracted to non-Christians by a love that is not from God. It is never God's will for a Christian to fall in love with a non-Christian. Probably no committed Christian ever sets out purposely to fall in love with a non-Christian. The relationship starts out as plain, simple friendship or even a casual acquaintance.
The critical point when the faith of a single Christian is put to the test is when the friendship crosses the line into a dating relationship, a relationship which is exclusive to some extent. He spends all the time with his non-Christian date and is not keen to bring her to fellowship with his Christian friends. As he spends less time with them, he cuts himself off from their support and admonition and has no one to turn to when problems begin. Single Christians must be extremely careful and selective about who they should and should not date. Why? Because for most men and women, some date will eventually lead to marriage. While the purposes of dating go beyond just looking for a marriage partner, the fact is that the majority of
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marriages (and probably all marriages in Singapore today) begin with a dating relationship. When you regard someone as your special friend, eventually you may say to that someone, "I want you to be the most influential person in my life. I want to share your values, your goals, your successes and failures. I want to marry you."
When a Christian deliberately marries a non-Christian, he or she has fallen into two very serious errors: Firstly, the Christian has disobeyed God's explicit command — "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers" (2 Cor 6:14). Secondly, the Christian has broken the first of the Ten Commandments, "Thou shalt have no other gods before Me." Because he or she has made an unholy and unsaved sinner an object of greater love than God. He or she has actually violated the precious covenant "marriage" relationship with God and mocked God to His face.
As true believers, what should matter most to you is not whether "she is all that you've ever wanted" or whether "he is the man of your dreams." What should matter to you most is whether he or she is the one God wants you to marry. This is one instance where you must be controlled by your mind, by what you so well know from the Word of God, and not allow your heart to take over the control from your mind. Because as the Word of God says, "the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked. Who can know it?" (Jer 17:9).
Now, what should you do if you are already involved in a dating relationship with a non-Christian? Please do not let it continue. Although breaking up will be a painful experience, it is better for you to bear the pain than to grieve the Lord your God. And if you do this, God will surely bless you and help you, as He promised, "Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you, And will be a Father unto you, and ye shall be my sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty." (2 Corinthians 6:17, 18).
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This same principle of unequally yoked relationships applies also to a Christian who enters into a close business partnership with a non-Christian. Although you may think that from a human point of view, the prospects for success in such a partnership are very good, there is no firm assurance that you will prosper. Amos 3:3 tells us "Can two walk together, except they be agreed?" Sooner or later you will encounter differences. The non-Christian partner will not have the same ethical principles as the Christian partner. The Christian will probably end up making all the compromises.
The Scriptures warn us about the awful consequences of entering into a business partnership with a non-believer in the story of King Jehoshaphat's shipping venture with the ungodly King Ahaziah. This is recorded in Second Chronicles 20:35-37, "And after this did Jehoshaphat king of Judah join himself with Ahaziah king of Israel, who did very wickedly: And he joined himself with him to make ships to go to Tarshish: and they made the ships in Eziongeber. Then Eliezer the son of Dodavah of Mareshah prophesied against Jehoshaphat, saying, Because thou hast joined thyself with Ahaziah, the LORD hath broken thy works. And the ships were broken, that they were not able to go to Tarshish."
Now perhaps someone may say, "I have a non-Christian business partner, but my business is doing extremely well. And I think that this means that God approves of my partnership, since He is apparently blessing it." Please do not be mistaken.
We must never use prosperity as the criterion to judge if something is right or wrong. Even the wicked prosper but this does not mean that God is blessing them and approves of their wickedness. Psalm 73 reveals that He is just allowing the wicked to prosper, for their greater destruction!
The only criterion that we must use for judging if something is right or wrong is the Word of God. And God's word says "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath
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